what the fuck's fuck happened? i'm watching someone on a rollercoaster and they're headed towards a dead end-there's nothing i can do to stop the damn cart.

in my dream there was so much glass. i broke so much glass. the dream felt so real. i have a grasp on what is happening to me-the people around me-the person, they do not. i can't bring myself to even write this. always speaking in code-so sly. all this is written on my forehead. too funny...

all i can do is prepare. i'll take care of what i can. i can vent here, to a degree, and continue keeping that momentum going. study study study. study myself, the material, and create a plan. that's what i'll do.

ahaah that's what i get.

i do wonder what would have happened... and then i remember the other option was the darker side of the coin. alcoholism is a beast of an addiction-i'm where i'm meant to be. i'm learning to be my own fire.

i was so happy...

there are brief moments now. i appreciate those moments so much more.

i'm going to end up running myself to the bone. i don't mind. i'm looking forward to the warm weather. I want to run like i used to... I want to get lost for two hours and come home and sleep. i miss restful sleep.

the song i'm listening to, it inspires peace. all i feel is nostalgic. i am at peace with my present.

i was so right. i knew that i would look back and think, "we were so happy there". the pandemic brought us together and now we're drifting apart. there. i said it.