Wow how time flies. I just stumbled on this for the first time since 12th grade. What a shock. I can't believe I was such a messed up teenager. I did a lot of dumb shit, and I was not kind to myself. I hated me. But I'm glad to say that is all in the past. im 31 years old now. I have two children, ten and six, girl and boy. They are the light of my life but also extremely exhausting. I have a wonderful fiancé who lives out of state for work right now. I'm hoping to move soon to be with him. But there's a lot of huddles keeping me here. Hopefully it will all be settled soon. I have for the most part, over come all my suicidal tendencies and stopped hurting myself like six or so years ago. I'm happy with who I have grown to become. I'm strong. I'm independent. I have my issues but I'm pretty kick ass honestly. I just wanna say for anyone who felt the way I did growing up, it rlly truly gets better. All you gotta do is survive. Keep breathing and survive....... thank you so much for reading and putting up with my bullshit for those years. I enjoyed having a place to vent.

WORK BLOWS!!!! so i work at salem cross now, i hate it. and today some drama happened that makes me wanna cry. mark, my buddy, has been under a lot of stress and is on meds for it. he offered me some before and i turned it down. well i think he gave sunny some and he was freakin out, almost about to pass out. and well i told terri and she told the boss. plus hes been doing bad shit latly so...wtf? and now this whole drama has broken out about shit. terri wont believe it wasnt him, i think it was personlally but hes a friend and im tryin not to get into the fight cuz they are my 2 best buds there, so im just like stressed from it. then mark starts talkin about hurtin himself and it made me cry, it depressed me so fuckin bad. and now im like.....blah!!! i feel nothing. on the lighter side, me and adam are in LOVE. believe it or not. we want to move in together and shit. its great, we have a good time together, and its fun. were really serious about eachother too. we want to have a baby, we've only been together 2 in a half months, lol. but were not gonna of course cuz were way TOO YOUNG, but at least what we feel is real. he makes me happy, thats what matters. so things are going good with him, so thats great, finally found someone who loves me as much as i love them, and thats what matters in life.

SO HERES WHAT HAPPENED, after the break up iwas heart broken, untill i talked to adam drunk, fun convo. then we started talking alllll the time. even right now. he asked me out last thuresday, i said yes. so im happy bout that, hes a sweetheart. we have fun together. went to the mall last night, he bought some new boots. i went into a bad depression though early this week, i almost did some dumb shit. but i kept myself form it. so i feel happy and strong about that. my birthday is in 17 days, woooo!! im going camping for my bday with adam and the joes, and shit. its gonna rock!!!!well, i guess thats it, until next time, PeAcE!!!!take care.

HE DUMPED ME....yeah true story. he emailed me sayin he still loved nicky [who doesnt love him by the way] and he left me. so im hurting badly. cant stop thinkin about him. i really did love him. i know its hard to believe with me and my clingyness, but i did. he treated me so good all the time, made me feel like i was worth something. i felt beautiful, happy, and loved. but its over now. i hung out in warren with my boyz, lol. with dave, sam, and jesse, and my sister. we just chilled. went swimming, walked around warren every where, had pizza. went to the concert on the common. saw adam collis, hes being a sweety to me, thanks. he wants me to call him, he knows i need to talk but, i dont think i can. a ton of people try cheering me up. i have to call like every one tomarrow....they all wanna know if im still breathing i guess. anyway, ive been through hell today, hope tomarrow is better. PeAcE.

JOSEPH ANTHONY CRUZ.......weve been together more than 2 months now, and everythings still ownderful. weve had some little fights, one like major fight, but we are more in love than before. he moved back in to warren with his mom, so i can see him ALL the time now, YIPEE!!! saw him last night, our first alone time in a long while, it was VERY NICE. I love just being with him, and thinking about him, and dreaming about him, i just love HIM!!!! he treats me so well, better than mikey even, and we get along so great. im not scared to tell him anything, ive opened up sooo much. im going on birth control soon, my appointment is in a week or so. I worked 33 hours this week, im tired as fuck. got to work at noon today too. but next week i get like 15 hours....WTF!!! thats BULLSHIT. i NEED hours!!!! grrrr. anyways, besides that im good. havent written chapter 3 yet, but soon as i have time i will. and ill let you know when i post it. PeAcE!!!!

OMFG!!! so i found a pic of craig today. i sat back and was like gonna cry. i kinda missed him, then i got very angry, cuz of all the shit hes done to me. so i sat there for a few minutes thinkin about it all. then i cut out the 2 pictures and the part of the newspapper article about him and i BURNT them. ha, im so fuckin proud of it!!! I hate him so much!!!! Today kinda sucked. i talked to joe for like half an hour, went swimmin for like 15 minutes, it was lonely, and i listened to music. thas all i did all day, it sucked, i wish there was something i could do to keep my busy and from being bored. i have to clean my house tomarrow, its gonna suck. but god forbid my dad will be unhappy when he gets home thuresday. i got to work thuresday...i dont want to!!!! i hope i can see joe this weekend, i miss him soooooo much!!!! anyways, thats it, PeAcE!!!!

WOOO, sitdiarys working again!!!! well heres what you missed over the past month. me and mikey are through [yay] and im with joseph cruz, he is wonderful. there has been some issues but we are doing good and i have high hopes for this. the 13th will make a month for us. i got suspended for 3 days for going to school shit faced one day and some bitch ratted me and matt out, i got grounded for a month but my dad lost track so im un-grounded now. work still sucks!!! Before i was with joe, i had sex with seth, it was pretty amazing but he soon screwed me over. he was gonna ditch me at prom for a 9th grader, EWWW. so i didnt talk to him for 3 weeks. kyle kicked him out of the house and hes back at home. me and kyle arent really freinds anymore so im back chillin with my seth [who no longer loves me though] or so he says, lol. culinary reached its boiling point, we all were screaming at eachother and about to rip eachothers heads off. then i got an email from one girl and sent a nasty one back...they took me down to jangles and we had to work all the shit out. now we are all friends again and had fun in new york on the 6th. ive posted more poetry and chapter 2 of my story on my other diarys so please check them out!!!! and check me out on myspace www.myspace.com/dope_bitch . until next we meet, PeAcE!!!!

OMG, today kicked ass!!!! i was chillin at all arts day and it started out sucky but ended kicking ass. i chilled with seth, kyle, logan, kris, it was awesome. we fucked around and coused truoble. it was kjust what i needed...to just chill and be crazy. i hate being me...and doing all i do, it feels good to be out of control. we left school early to go smoke butts and kris drive me and logan home. i had to flash him...it was so FUNNY. although i didnt want to, it was kinda funny. kyle is my new boy, me and logan are good freinds anain same with me and kris, and me and seth are just...WOAH together. were crazy. i was soooo hyper, i like raped and humped sarah and karen, it kicked ass!!!! cant wait to do it again. On a serious note, me and mikey are doing good, we chilled yesterday. with whitey and georgy, i love georgy!!!! i love mikey sooooooo much, cant wait to marry him!!!! were gonna have a camp out..with my 5 carzy mutha fuckers and with whitey. we need more chicks though, lol!!!!! itll be fun, gettin wasted in the woods all night. hehehehe, well got to go eat cheese, PeAcE!!!!!

Broken....ok so i wore a skirt today and everything and i was nervous about it cuz of my scared up legs. of course the second i pass the girls from culinary in the hall before first block, they start talking about them. ewww did you see that, so gross, what a psycho, etc.... It pisses me off. i didnt talk to anyone all day almost. i talked to kyle in the morning, mack for about 2 minutes between class and kate at the end of the day. 3 conversations all day. see, NO ONE LIKES ME!!!! I HAVE NO FUCKING FREINDS!!!!! i cant take it any more and my art shows it. fuck the world. i hope some one slits those girls throats in thier sleep!!!!!!i hate them!!!!! on a lighter note, i love mikey with all my heart. he writes me pretty poems that make me cry. we might go with julia and matt to the movies tomarrow, yay!!!! fun fun!!!! i have to work 7 to 2 tomarrow, fun, NOT!!! i have $200 in the bank now though, im so proud of myself, and im selling my guitar. so im ok with that. i hate school though cant wait till it ends!!!!!

This Weekend Rocked!!!! well i went to mikeys friday adn we chilled, very fun. then saturday i worked till 1:30 and went to dinner with my family. it was SOOOO good!!!!! i had the best burger i ever had. yum!!!! then i went to mikeys again and got laid, lol. had fun as always, hehe. i love mikey sooo much. This weekend is my spring fling and i got the pass signed so that mikey can go with me. i cant wait for every one to meet him!!!! hope they love him as much as i do.well thats about it, PeAcE!!!!!!!

I HATE CULINARY. those girls keep talking shit about me and i cant stand it. i had a fucking panic attack cuz of them. i cant stand those 2 faced bitches, i kinda wish bad things on them, and im not a mean person so thats bad. i cant wait for them to graduate. cant deal with them anymore. they make me so mad you know. well thats about everything that happened, PeAcE!!!!!

SO.....im not sure why i got rap stuck in my head but its all good!!!!! anyways, things are going good right now. i dont get to see mikey often, it pisses me off but its only becouase my sister keeps staying after. i had no school today, it was fun!!!! NOT!!!! but i have a new pic, cute right? i know it is, lol!!!!! im bored, i think when i my other computer i will start posting more on the other 2 diarys, k? cool, well, have a nice night, and PeAcE!!!!!! p.s.Happy Birthday Erin!!!!!!

I picked mikey!!!!!! craig wanted me back and i told him to fuck off!!!!! yay im so proud of myself!!!!! cept for the other night when i cut myself cuz of craig, man i hate him. besides that its the same old same...nothing new happened. i fixed my computer though, yipee but i need a new harddrive soon. well....guess thats it!!!! PeAcE!!!!

WELL, im faced with a difficult decision that i cant tell you all, at least not yet. i worked all weekend. im scared of the results im getting tomarrow. im bored, tired, cranky, and my brain hurts from thinkin things over again. but i managed to post to more poems....painsetsmefree, COMMENT THEM!!!!! thanks. PeAcE!!!!!

I HAD TO GO TO THE DOCTORS.....well i had sharp pains in my stromach and went to the nurse,well in a wheel cahir cuz i couldnt walk at all. she called my mommy and she came and got me. we made a doctor appointment and i might have kidnay problems like my aunt or appedixitus, cuz i have a swollen appendix. they did blood work so ill know more soon. but it sucked, im sooo scared and mikeys not on. got my check yesterday, $89.63. i now have $111.83 in the bank, wooo go me!!!!! im going to buy a new purse cuz mine broke and some hair dye tonight. then i got to work tomarrow at 7 in the mornignt ill 3 in the afternoon. so i wont be home. have a great night, PeAcE!!!!

HEY, i just posted the first chapter on from a whisper to a scream, sheck it out. the sn is storyxofxpain, in case you dont have it. and i also posted 3 more poems on painsetsmefree, like i promised, check it out and feel free to comment. there will be more to come. i had an ok day, didnt really do anything all day. i decided on my recipes for my culinary project its going to be all caribbean food. it looks good, cant wait to make it next week!!!! have to make the pie in advance, and marinate the chicken. everything else is a peice of cake, lol. hope you all ahd a good day, PeAcE!!!!! P.S. check out the bestest guy in the whole world, theking6907. hes my bf, and what a sweety.

HEY, i started a new diary called storyxofxpain, its a diary that i will post my stories on. i have written chapter 1 of my story and will post it soon. also, i know many of you miss my poetry on painsetmefree, so i will try to update it again very soon. i just have to go through what i have written and pic some good ones to post.thanks you, please add my new diary and my poetry diary if you havnt. good night.

WORK SUCKS!!!!! i got up today and went to work at 6:30. workes untill about 11 ish on drive through and then the rest of the day betwwen fries and counter. i had to do EVERYTHING for the new girl, she was SOOO slow. i hated it, best part is i get to do all agian tomarrow. i am home now, talking to my beloved mikey!!!! YAY!!!! he makes me so happy, he wrote me a poem and it made me cry, it was soooo sweet. well i have to run, have a great night. PeAcE!!!!!

Boring!!!! i have nothing to do today cuz i cant see mikey, TEARS**. i get to go pick up my check later and cash it. the last few days have been up and down. because i read through my old entries, i started to hate myself, i mean, grrr i was so immature. glad iv grown up a bit now. so i had a bad night but no cutting which is good. thats all thanks to jerry and mikey. i honestly think im in love with mikey, cant be sure yet. but he makes me very happy and he makes me feel good about myslef and he makes me feel beautiful. i like it. well, got to run, PeAcE!!!!!

hey been a while, lol!!!! im doing very good. i havnt been cutting. i broke up with ryan, and bdated craig brannconier, twice. lost my virginity [wish i hadnt] but things werent right, so we had to break up. hes moving to florida so, i had no choice, i will miss him though. im dating my best frined mikey hubard, swettest guy on earth. although im not over craig, things are looking good. im not sure if its love so please dont ask but i hope it is. hes WONDERFUL. Anyways, im no longer a punk or goth or whatever. i got some money and i bought new clothes. im like a preppy or a ghetto or what ever you would label me as now a days. im happy with it though, i look nice and i like it, so deal with it. im growing my hair out, it looks nice. i can put it up in a pony tail now. i even have bangs again. me holly and kate are no longer friends, but its ok. i have so many new frineds that i dont miss them. erin, liz, jolene, kayla, seth, sarah, karen, etc, so im fine without those 2. i have my premit and a job. im saving money for drivers ed, i work at mcdonalds, lol!!!! but im doing good there so its ok. im getting all good grades, especially culinary, highest grade in the class!!! im not sure what else there is to say, im finally happy being me. i have a myspace if you want to see the new look for your self, www.myspace.com/dope_bitch. add me leave some comments, have fun with it!!!! hope you all have a nice day, take care!!!!