i dont know what i expect to be any different after 12 years.

i really dont know why i expect his attitude towards life and everything to change.

maybe im just angry because i want a drink.

or maybe im just really angy because he doesnt help discipline these kids.

i dont know its hard to tell these day where the jumping point off is.

i come here because its safe.

safe from judgement.

safe from others knowing my thoughts and feelings.

a decade ive been using this as a way to say what ive always wanted to say when there is no one to listen.

a partner is supposed to be a partner.

although he helps in many ways i need help with keeping these kids in line.

some times i wonder why i of all people became a mother instead of just drinking myself to death.

or skipping the whole mom thing and i couldve still been enjoying my freedom.

freedom from adulting and chores and fucking cyber school.

freedom from trying to relate to other mothers i really dont give a fuck about.

i dont fit in.

im a square peg in a round hole when it comes to trying to like other people.

and here i gave birth to 4 more.

4 more people that annoy me to no end.

i love them dont get me wrong.

but there are so many limits.

i couldve taken off already if i hadnt of kept having children.

and now here i am stuck.

with some guy i try to be in love with knowing full well that i will never be.

ive tried.

and tried.

he remains this same person who never changes and never is happy about anything and i am absolutely so tired of his gray cloud.

i wish hed take it and go away.

he has the car. the job. the money. just leave. why stay where you are obviously not happy.

i mean i have limitations.

unless i plan on starting over in a shelter in the middle of a pandemic.

i have to wait it out.

but.

why doesnt he just leave.

i know why.

because hes a coward.