well that didnt last long. right off the wagon again. and the worst part is i was sick as fuck last night all until 6 or so this morning due to taking some hydrocodones. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? subconciously i worry. i wonder if im actually trying to kill off all of me. end up brain dead in some morturary just because i cant get over the past few years or so. drinking again. this time its a bottle of vodka i tricked a coworker into allowing me to buy. why? because anyone else who wouldve taken me home wouldve without a doubt said NO. but he doesnt actually know any better. he knows they call me ALCOHOLIC by joke. but not how the real deal is. i knew this would happen. there was only just a second of doubt. of concern that i would do it. and then it vanished as soon as we came closer to the store...i knew i wanted it so bad i wouldnt say no this night. fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck. there seems to be two parts of me. one who wants to get it all together again and the other who doesnt seem to care whether i live or i die. whether i do it now or later. im pissed but im not. part of me is only pretending to be disappointed in myself. while the other part is regretting the decision deeply and sincerely. i obviously cannot be trusted. i cant even trust my own fucking mind to say no. what is it going to take? what in the hell else needs to happen for me to actually fucking take this seriously. i think i/ll make a list. -------------------------------- THIS IS THE LIST OF JACKED UP SHIT I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED OR UNACCOMPLISHED DUE TO DRINKING: -------------------------------- 1. 2 MYSTERIOUS BLACKEYES 2. LOSING MY VIRGINITY TO A STRANGER 3. STEALING 4. BEING HOMELESS FOR ABOUT 3 MONTHS 5. BREAKING MY ROOMIE/S WINDOW 6. MAKING OUT WITH RANDOM STRANGERS 7. LOSING ABOUT 10 TO 20 GOOD FRIENDS 8. FIGHTS 9. SLEEPING OUTSIDE 10. GETTING MY IPOID STOLEN 11. GETTING MONEY STOLEN 12. FUCKED UP FINGERS ON MY RIGHT HAND THAT DONT REALLY BEND ANYMORE 13. WALKING IN MY ROOMIES ROOM WITHOUT MY PANTS ON 14. GETTING COMPLETELY ILL A THOUSAND AND SOME ODD TIMES DUE TO DEHYDRATION DUE TO DRINKING AND NOT EATING 15. BEING DEMOTED 16. CALLING OUT OF WORK 17. EMBARASSING SITUATIONS INVOLVING A NUMBER OF THINGS LIKE YELLING, SLURRING, FALLING DOWN, BREAKING THINGS, CURSING AT PEOPLE, FIGHTS, AND MY SEXUALITY QUESTIONED 18. MOLESTING PEOPLE NO MATTER WHAT 19. WANDERING AROUND AT 5 IN THE MORNING ALONE ON THE LAS VEGAS STRIP 20. RUINING ANYTHING MY ROOMIE OWNS 21. EATING MY ROOMIES FOOD 22. A FUCKED UP LEG INJURY DUE TO FALLING THAT STILL HASNT HEALED 23. PUTTING THE MOVES ON A GOOD FRIENDS BOYFRIEND 24. ALLOWING MY CAR TO BE LEGALLY STOLEN 25. COLLECTING DEBT BECAUSE I DRINK AND AVOID PROBLEMS - BILLS BEING A HUGE ONE OF THOSE PROBLEMS 26. PISSING OFF A PACK OF LESBIANS AND PISSING OFF PEOPLE IN GENERAL 27. FIGHTING WITH MY BEST FRIEND 28. ALMOST GETTING KICKED OUT MORE THEN ONCE 29. NO SAVED MONEY AT ALL 30. BY NOW A COMPLETELY USELESS LIVER ----------------------------------- AND THOSE OF COURSE ARE IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER. ----------------------------------- dont think for a moment im stupid or retarded or some buffoon who doesnt know any better. for a long time i didnt recognize. but now i know more clearer then day that i have a problem and looking up i probably forgot a ton more things that belong on that list. its been a few years of wracking things up. i just dont know what to do. people that love me want to help but they cant. theres no real way they can and it makes all of us sad. god. help me. please.