well. i had a bottle last night. i knew i'd do it eventually. and i did. and now i want another. and i knew that would happen too. i feel like hell though. and i went into my new job sorta lit. and i can't do it. but. i want it so bad. i wish i had never ever picked up a bottle in the first place. i've been a drinker since i was young. i've been an alcoholic since i was 21. since i could buy it. and sneak it into my room. every since. it's been my best friend. and even though i know i feel best and on top of my game without it. i want it. always. wanting. always. needing. always. thinking. about it. vodka. nothing else. a beer if i'm desperate. but. voddie. my best friend. and my worst enemy. my killer. my love. and why? because. i don't know. because. i grew up watching my mom drink. my relatives drink. i got a taste for it when i was young. and i never seemed to shy away from it again. how depressing. i don't want to die like john. from liver cancer. dead. and gone. liver cancer took him. and lung cancer took my mother. and here i am not learning a goddamn thing. how upsetting. and depressing. i feel it right now. i can see me walking right to the store. and doing it all over again tonight. but. i can't. god. i can't. please no.