and it's all too late. i've actually realized that this entire "not drinking" thing is some thing that should be for real and not just "the boy who cried wolf" story repeated again and again. only my story is "the girl who cried i'll stop drinking" but decided not to really stop until of course she lost her job. and now. faces going back home. back to a fucking place she despises more for just one reason. and this girl now realizes that there are real consquences to your actions. this girl now realizes that "hey i guess i can't laugh in the face of authority and not expect to get fired." ------------------------ of course i had already pulled it off once. barely. stumbling in out of my mind intoxicated the entire time pretending it was all fine. everything was OKAY. it not BETTER. and got caught. got seriously threatened and reprimanded. and this pretty little princess PROMISED "oh no i'll never do it again. i'm going to fix my problem." fast forward a few months later. after some turmoil and testing the limits. the pretty little princess actually calmed down. was taking it seriously. was getting all of the praise she was used too. "JUST KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING." the same words that somehow sealed her fate before. only this time. she fucked it up permanently. she tested the limits after awhile. coming in slightly hungover or drunk. and then. oh that lovely day. she decided FUCK IT ALL OVER AGAIN! i do as i want. and so she did. she downed half that bottle of vodka all the way to work...from 9intheam until 11whenevershewassupposed to be there. and what do you think happened? CAUGHT all over again. and this time it was over. told not to come back. paid out in full. and look at her now. shaking and crying about going home. stupid pretty little college educated knows completely better but keeps testing limits princess. a failure at the one job she was probably the best at. the one job she actually sort of ruled and would've become some thing more then just a slave. gone. this same time last year i was just getting over homelessness. due to? guess. go ahead. guess. i'll give you a hint...her number one problem. the number one reason why she drives people away. and why she loses everything she loved. booze. ------------------------- and now here i am. stupid little princess. applying everywhere i see a HIRING sign. and getting more and more nervous. then again. it doesn't help that this stupid little princess sat on her fat ass boozing it up for the last 10 days. pitying herself. and hating the people she used to work with. because. she talked so much. and knew so much. and messed up. way worse then any of them ever had. --------------- it's my newnewnewnewmillionth second day completely sober. and yes i'm proud all over again. and yes i mean it this time. but the ache is getting worse as my panic sets in. i'm actually repeatedly figuring that if i buy just one more gallon i would definitely have enough money left out of MY LAST $100 to buy work clothes if i'm hired or to buy a ticket. but i know. better then anyone will ever know. except another alcoholic. that-that one gallon won't be enough because then i'll stay drunk completely for the next 3 or 4 days and go SOBER again. and then the panic. no job. the worry. the need. will set in all over again. i want to keep crying but i know i can't. i know i can't WISH for a job. i know i can't fix it right away. but. please GOD. let me actually fix it this time. i'm afraid of what will become of me if i do happen to not find a job in time. what then? i'll completely go to shit i know it. having to leave rey's will kill me. because i feel safe here. heading home will kill me. WHY DIDN'T I LISTEN TO ALL OF THE SIGNS? I USED TO BE SO INTO THAT. SO SPIRITUALLY AWARE. SO INTUNE THAT I KNEW AFTER THE FIRST COUPLE OF WARNINGS...THINGS GOT ABSOLUTELY FUCKED. I USED TO WARN PEOPLE..."BEWARE THE SIGNS." AND NOW LOOK AT ME. ALWAYS LECTURING BUT NEVER LISTENING. AND NOW. 28 DAYS. LEFT. AT HOME-HERE WITH REY. AND I'M AFRAID OF WHAT I'LL DO. I'M TOO OLD FOR ALL OF THIS. AND WHY KEEP ASKING WHY. I KNOW WHY IT ALL HAPPENED. BECAUSE "QUITTING IS FOR LOSERS." RIGHT? ------------------------ AND I KNOW THIS RAMBLING IS USELESS. it won't fix anything. and i know there are people that'd probably like to talk to me. but i've shut down. i've shut down. become obsessive. and worried. this is me sober. hyper. OCD. and sad. but. what do any of the people i know need me for? more disappointment? i'd like to spare them that. and. if by chance i do end up leaving town. i don't think i'll tell anyone. it's best if it's left unknown. that way it won't hurt so much either way what happens to me. GOD, i'm so sad. i wish i could ask for your help. but. it's too late. i've used up my nine lives. and. i'm not as badass as i thought. or. wanted to be. or. tried to be. my 'don't give a fuck attitude' has been my worst enemy. and. now what? now what?