I drifted in and out of consciousness on the bathroom floor. My mind clouded with the evening’s events and the heroine induced dreams. Looking back I find it nauseating that I never worried. I could have drown in my own vomit, been found in a ditch the next morning and I was too drunk, too drug sick to care.
Strangers, unfamiliar faces. I felt myself being lifted, carried into a room, set down on the bed. He was on top of me the next time I opened my eyes. Inside I was panicking, I saw the stepbrothers face instead of the stranger’s. I was five years old again.
James.
I felt the body of the stranger pulled off of me. Stepbrother’s face was pushed aside by James’ in my mind. He carried me out of the house and to his car, laying me gently in the back seat. I slept all the way to his house.
The next morning I woke up to his face, lying next to me in bed. The tears flowed freely, guilt searing my cheeks with every drop. All I could do with apologize. I had so much to be sorry for. And all he had to give was love.
But that’s James. Through everything, my lies, deception and stupidity, in the throes of my addictions and illness he was there. Rescuing me from dangerous situations, somehow knowing where I was and that I needed him. Forgiving me for everything, I owe him every smile I make these days, everyday I am clean and happy. I owe him my life.
But for this particular smile, I blame you. For reading, and commenting. I get better and happier with the person I am with each kind word I read. It’s taken such a long time to have the courage to get this all out. But it needs to be told. So I continue to write, to live and to smile.
I love reading your diary and always smile when I see that I have a comment from you. So you see, you make us (or at least me) smile too.
I hope to someday find my own "James". I am so glad you found him and that he makes you so very happy and content.
Keep Smiling....
Thank you for all your kind comments as well.
Love,
Kate
♥
Liz