well i haven't been on here in forever..but i'm really bored so i guess this will pass my time. this summer has sucked..i no longer work at target..i think i got fired but i'm really not sure. i just couldn't go back. it has been over a month since i have set foot in that store. i love my job at loving arms. i love working with kids and my boss is one of my best friend's mom..so it works out nice. i work every weekday 8-5:30. then i come home, change, and go to kelley's. that is my life. i think i am going to die sept 2 because that is the day she is moving to st. cloud. i guess i will just have to go party with her every weekend. i love that girl. she is the best friend i have ever had. she has stuck with me through everything. i lost the girl i called my sister. she wants nothing to do with me. she acts like my mom is her best friend..even though we both know how we feel about her. but she is getting close to my mom because she knows that will piss me off. its working. i also lost my britts.. she won't talk to me either. i can't decide how i feel..but what i will say is that i love her to death and i am really lost without you. one person i am afraid to lose is my boyfriend. he is amazing, and adorable, and makes me feel beautiful. but i don't get to see him very often. it makes me sad. but just because i never see him doesn't mean that i should break up with him. if he is using me then you can say i told you so. but i don't think he is. so drop it. i'm so sick of people telling me what i should do with my life. i'm big enough to make my own choices..even if i know that they aren't good. i love this growing up stuff..it is bundles of fun

so i failed another class..which means i might not graduate next year..i have to retake spanish 2..and i am not going to get into any college that i want..i have screwed up my life big time..i have gone back to my old habits..i cant be an angel for long i guess..i love my friends..and they help me through everything but i guess i didnt know that some dont like when i talk about my problems..i know thats what my parents pay that scary man $100 an hour to do..but sometimes you just want to talk to the people that mean the most to you..but i guess i know now so i wont bring it up..sorry.. britty and i are closer than ever right now because we are going through the exact same things..we talk all the time..but it isnt happy anymore..we dont really laugh..usually we just cry..i have so many regrets in my life that i wish i could go back and change..but i cant..i honeslty wish i could go back to last summer and redo everthing..i hate my life right now..and i have nobody to blame but myself....

Sooo last night i talked to j.b. and i feel really bad..someone asked me who julia liked and i said j.b. and one of my friends said that was caitlin's bf..so i told julia and she laid off..the thing is he didnt think they were going out..they have this on again/off again relationship..so i felt really bad because he was telling me how he felt about her and it made me feel like crap because i ruined it..then i talked to caitlin and then i kinda turned against j.b...and we cried in the hallway because caitlin loves him and they have been together for over 4 years and other things that we can relate to..we had a really bad night last night..people were mad, sad, crying, throwing up, screaming, running away, anything you can think of it happened last night...and it all comes back to me because i had to be the cool friend..i just think that my friends are better than that and that we can have so much fun sitting watching lifetime movies..why are we so hooked on lifetime when our lives are so dramatic..almost everyone had some big dramatic thing that got spilled last night. we had our own lifetime movie going on..it was crazy..why are some people such jerks and other guys are sweeties..phil has started his call you tomorrow thing again..and brant bought us doughnuts this morning and came over at 5 before he had to go to work..why can't phil be like that..i am not saying i want to change phil i just want to understand how his small little brain works...because he didnt get the best boyfriend award...he got the biggest heartbreaker award...we were all in such a good mood last night until one started crying..then we all spilled..and all i wanted to do was talk to someone but i had nobody to call..they wouldnt understand..i walked into a group of people who are soo close and i'm trying to figure out if i belong or not..i love my friends..but i just dont know them like they know each other..kelley and rachel are sooooo close..and so are caitlin and jenna..but i dont have a best friend in that group...they would probably shoot me if they read this because they have invited me to everything they do..true friends are what they are..

You think you are over someone/something and then one random act changes everything. He called me last night at like 10 and i was watching a movie with my dad so i didnt want to interupt bonding time..then at like 12 i looked at my phone and found out who it was that called and i almost dropped dead... why..because he hasnt called me in over two months..with no explanation of why..one night he says i will call you tomorrow night and then over 2 months later he calls..but he isnt the same..he is being nice..and saying i'm sorry...not like him at all..all he wanted to do was talk about my feelings.. i got to yell at him and that felt wonderful and he didnt even hang up..he told me that just because he hasnt called me for 2 months that doesnt mean he hasnt thought about me..i told him to go write a love novel because he always knows what to say to make a girl fall for him but buddy i'm not that girl..i am a girl that doesnt want to be used..i dont want to be the person you turn to when you feel like it..i want someone who loves me and that crap you say about loving me isn't working..i'm sick of his lies and his work..and his farm..and his other little gf's..i dont care..he just thinks i am going to sit and wait for him to figure out if you really want to be with me..cause i dont have time for that nor do i want to be the girl you want me to be. i want to be in a relationship not this dream world you live in..now that i have vented about him i will tell you about my other guy problems..ok so i have known this guy forever he is my cousin's cousin and its never been more than that when he is sober..he is a sweet guy and i like him but when he is drunk he is in love with me..does this mean he only likes me when he is drunk or does it mean that he can be truthful when he is drunk..i really dont know..we only see each other like once a year because he moved to the cities with his brother..then there is this other guy who i hang out with a lot..but i dont want to fall for him..i think he likes my friend but she tells me that he has always been the guy who is there for her..she wanted to set us up but i just dont know how i feel..im so confused right now with my life..i just hope it all works out the way i want..

Now you know that I miss you. And u also know that next year we get to be together in choir. And you also know that Heidi has never liked you because of your hair color..lol..Dano we have had so many laughs and giggles. You are the only person that ever comes to my house. I seriously don’t know what I would do without you. You are the friend I never could be mad at. Except that one time. And the way I see it we are like you and your cousin..we see too much of each other and then in the end we still get along. You are like a sister to me. I love the little monsters. And karate class. If you think all the fun we have had in the last two years its amazing. You are one of those people you look back at high school later in life and say we were best friends in high school, had so much fun, and I truly believe that we will be friends for the rest of our lives.. Cause I think I would die without you. And plus I know what your true middle name is..hehe..You are the person I can trust with any secret and know that you wont tell anyone and that you wont judge me. Even when we go through our ruff spots we still cant stay mad for long. I just wish that you weren’t do sad. It makes me sad but if you want I talk you know my number and I will be there for you if you need blueberry muffins at 6 or good dip at 2 in the morning. Cause I love u

i have been everywhere tonight and i cant find a princess dress...i dont wear dresses anyway and now i have to look "pretty" on friday..im not looking forward to it. i went to the little dragons karate class with dano to watch matt the monster in action. it was the highlight of my week.even if it is monday. well i have to go do my lovely homework because late work is due in 8 DAYS!!!

So today i cleaned my car because i am almost 16.....im soo excited..i wanted to have a party but my basement isnt going to be done in time..thats ok..anyway i will fail my test so im not going to take it on my birthday...i ran over another bush..this time at home depot..no i am not cheating on menards we were only looking for something that menards doesnt have...i saw my best friend at menards..anyway..i am sorry to jeff and jenna..i truly am..i was just being rude and childish..sorry..i dont want to get between your relationship..sorry

Tonight we went to joannas for the anti semi-formal parrrrty...but lets start at the beginning..we had pepfest..the good part was the fact that we could make fun of jenna's best buddy/brother?..jen you know who i mean..anyway..after school em, dano and myself went to cashwise..we bought snacks and then waited in a 50 min line for a carwash..and one of my biggest fears just happens to be carwashes..and her car leaks...scary...then at 4 we went to joannas and i wasnt all excited to be there..but then i got over my crab spell and had the time of my life..we sang karoke and sat in the bathroom listening to stories of saddness happening at the semi-formal..so sad..but then joannas bathtub leaked all over my sweatshirt...then when we were going home we got stuck with a train and then steven called and i had to talk to him because of that new law thing..we were laughing soooo hard he had to ask me if we had been drinking..i didnt..but i did have the most fun in a long time..i laughed..like really laughed..it felt good..then when i got home i was all hyper and i slipped and fell on the living room floor and my dad said he is going to bring those drug and alcohol tests home..or not..but im in a good mood now..and im home and its 10:35ish..i hope we can party like that again..im going to get diamond..darn u jess...13 days..

maybe it wouldnt hurt as much if my memory of our friendship was gone..i wish i had never sat by you..never gone to your house..never been there for you when you cried..when u laughed..when i actually was able to help you..i just want to save you..dont you get it i dont want you to hurt..i want to take all of your pain away..make it be my pain instead..you have him now and now i cant save you..he is..everything i have said to you doesnt matter..when i told you that you were beautiful u didnt believe me..and now he says it to you and you smile..he hasnt been there like i have..why are you choosing his side..why is he taking you away...what am i suppose to do..im in pain but i dont think you notice because you are too busy with him..why do u say you tell me everything..you dont..you dont let your feelings out..i am just upset..i cant be your big sister anymore and protect you and now i feel useless..dont your get that all i have ever done is cared about you..and when i am mad there is something beyond what you think..i just miss you..i dont like it one bit...i want it all to be like it was before

Well today i got up at 9 to go to jays game but then i found out that it started at 11 so i was angered..so i went to walmart..then went to jay's game that they lost..but oh well..went out to taco john's with jimmy.. then i cleaned the upstairs quick and left at 2:45 for st. cloud...susie is doing a lot better..she has rehab every morning except sundays..kelly and brent brought brooke today and susie was so excited to see her.. brooke is such a beautiful baby...brooke gave susie a angel pin and susie was so excited to put it on..i put it right by her heart so baby brooke will always be with her..she is doing so good..and looking a lot better..even though she is still confused at times..even though that was the way she was before...it is good to see her...i love her and im not quite sure how i could make it through losing her...meg and i talked all the way home about how after almost losing your mom you look at life differently..boys, friends, clothes, and all of that goofy stuff doesnt matter that much..and you really learn who your real friends are in a time like this...i really miss megs..and i really hope she gets her life on track..thats all i got for tonight

ok..i really like him but he hates me..and i really dont blame him. i feel like i should say that im sorry..but i cant..i just cant.. i regret it sooooo much but i cant take it back...i just wish he wouldnt hold it against me forever!!..i always mess up when it comes to him

I'm at Carmen's with all of brittys friends..scary..

I really want the job. I would also like to say that Jenna Anderson is the best human on the earth. She got me an interview at three. im freaking out and cant sleep...and afraid i will say something stupid...no clue what to wear...one good thing about the nursery is that i never worried about that kind of thing. i actually have to impress someone enough to give me a job...this could be scary..

i threw his picture away today..i was cleaning my room trying to clean out everything i dont need..my mom is on spring break so we are spring cleaning..she has destroyed my brothers room and she says mine is next..so i decided i would destroy the room that i just got finshed cleaning.. anyway i was going through my keepsake box and i found his picture and for the first time i wasnt sad i was mad because i had kept it for way tooo long. then i found two more and cut them up into little pieces..waste of my time..4 years..that is so sad to say..i am just so i happy i can truly say that i dont like him anymore..go me..lol..one thing i have learned is that i dont need a guy to make me feel better..i learned this after not talking to phil for a month..there are still days i want to just push send on my phone just to hear his voice.. but i truly think i am over him...he was just one of those people that when i was sad he ALWAYS knew the right words to make me feel better and he made my heart melt..he didnt care how smart i was..what kind of clothes wore..but then he changed and i got smarter..and now it has been 1 month and 2 days and 16 hours and 8 minutes..lol..i feel a lot better now!! i think