Well lorne went off but i ws a naughty girl which kinda ruined it for me. I got a bit drunk one night and got with this guy. I regret it of course and ever since i've been in tears every night. i haven't seen paul since i got back and didn't want to tell him over the phone. I feel so awful. i hope he forgives me and we can work things out but then i dont deserve him. i'm thinking i should maybe break up with him so he can find someone worth liking. I cant believe i did it. After how much he trusted me. i dont no wat i'd do if he did forgive me. i'm in no way deserving of his forgiveness. I no its not the worst possible thing to do in a relationship but it is to me. i've never cheated on someone before and although this was jst a kiss its more then i've ever done in terms of cheating. and to paul, who's done absolutly nothing to deserve it. ABSOLUTLY NOTHING. i was thinking that i'd lost feelings for him before i went away but now i realise i've lost him all the feelings are back. I'm in no way expecting forgiveness and even if he did he deserves better. i no i've lost him...wat have i done.

happiness

Whats the point in gathering to celebrate something u dont believe in? Whats the point in spending a day celebrating shit withpeople u dontlove? Cos they're ur family...ok but then its a day of fake smiles anyway because everyone's fighting. Christmas day consists of fake smiles and depresive drunks, showing me exactly wat i dont want in life. I wish i could sleep through this day forget about everything ...except paul.

Fallen victim to it again everythings gone black i feel like there's no one im alone, isolated in hell if only and wat ifs seem meaningless the bad overpowering the good just one glimer of hope would be enough but it's disappearing quickly how could u know me i dont even know myself Dont wrap me up in cotton wool just tell me the truth i hate u enough as it is y do u bother with the lies... they're transparent just keep teling urself everythings ok keep living in a fantasy world soon u'll realise that doesn't work but untill then do me a faour Dont fuck with me

I found a cure for it all....end it, sounds simple but u wouldn't believe the sudden pain it caused... now i just dont feel it

Fustration to the feeling Broken inside To feel at all is lucky But to feel this Is like a back handed compliment A sharp pain that never sub-sides The emptiness of a busy life Lost control All guidence is out of reach And then there it is Laughing at you Teasing you at every chance ...hope

Ok well im trying to lose it but u no when u try so hard to keep something safe and it gets lost, well the opposite is happening to me. The thought that i could be prisoner to this feeling until i see him again is KILLING me, if i continue to have this im afraid of what i'll do, im trying but things aren't going to well, people say i should talk about it, but to who, i just end up babbling anyway and they zone out and it proves to be a waster of their time and mine. Ok stop it, thats it i hate this i'll keep it to myself, even from u guys from now on....

Lately i've been feeling like im not really here, like i dont really exist. Life has kinda just past and i feel like im watching, watching everything thats going on. Laughing at myself. I had a d&m with a friend on friday and i thought it help but still i feel dead. Has my life really lost all meaning or am i dreaming, imagining everything. Every detail. Someone pinch me, i dont like feeling like this anymore, i never did.

Your name Your memory Ok ok yes its that guy again but hey he's being an asshole and wont get out of my head, even though im trying my best to get him out, extremly fustrating. It was my birthday on friday the 13th, supposed to be bad luck but not for me, had an awesome time. 16 now YAY finally 15 was such a bad number. Starting up boxing next week so i can kick some ass. well nothing much else, im out xoxo Although u cant see it cos the writings black i scored equal lezbian and straight (55%) so to all my friends that suspected i was one to support lezbianism mybe ur right lol :P You scored as Lesbian. Lesbian55%Straight55%Gay45%Bisexual30%Are you Bisexual, Straight, gay/lesbian?created with QuizFarm.com

I'm fucked. I have had like 6 hours sleep in the past 4 days. I've worked more friggin' hours then i've slept. Somethings not right with that. Goin to the footy this w/e cant wait i'm obsessed. Got into a bitch with a mate today. She was being real insensitive to another mate and i opened my big mouth, fuck i hate how i do that. Anyway she went off and now im in the shit. I can't wait till i grow up and move away to another country, go visit america, england, ANYWHERE away from where i am now, i'll probebly think differently later but right now, in my life, Australia sucks. not forever just for now

Well i was thinking bout sam the other day considering everything and it kinda hit me that im ready and i could see myself with sam... i knew that it was more of a confirmation then a decision but anyway. I really like him, can definatly see myself loving him but then i got a sms from him the other nite after work saying it was a bad time for him and he just wanted to be friends. first reaction was 'huh?' but after reading it a few more times i realised wat he'd said. Then we're the tears, so after i calmed down i called him, if he was to gutless to call i was gonna have to. Spoke to him about it and he explained it a hell of alot better. He's year 12 was his first priority and it just wasn't the time for him to be preocupied with a relationship. Which is totally understandable. I mean i was disappointed but after hearing that i felt better, in control... THEN he says, 'its not like i WANT to do this, i mean i really like you, but i realise it's just not going to work, we'll see how things go next year.' that didn't help. Injecting me with false hope, wat the hell is he thinking?! I don't want to have to think that there might be something when no one knows what either of us will be like in a year. I dunno, it just makes me miss him even more. I mean i keep thinking about him knowing that he's probebly dropped it and left it behind. I dunno, i'm hopeless i spose. I just wish i knew what he's thinking.

Sam's 18th last nite, it was awesome, had a bit to much to drink so yeh my heads kinda killin me atm. Hadn't seem him in a while, but fortunatly he was stil interested. FINALLY after ages got to pick him up, you dont no how good it was. i'v had this really good feelin in me all day yeh kinda gonna stop there bout where i went with him, i'll keep that stuff to myelf. Well it's now a year since The Alpine School thingy i went to last year, kinda scary thinkin how long ago it was, i mean i haven't seen all those ppl for so long. Simo we gotta talk, catch up which ever, really soon. nyway i'm goin to sleep some more, tata xoxo

Met up with an old friend the other day. It was all good, EXCEPT a friend came with me and all she could think about was competing with ME. I didn't get it, i still dont. This chick is like the COMPLETE opposite to me. We're talking im blonde she's a brunette, she's got no curves i do, she gets friggen dipples when she smiles i dont, right down to i got big tits she doesn't have any and she still see's some way in competing against me. I mean we're in completely different areas here. TOTAL OPPOSITES!! then she comes crying to me complaining she's not pretty enough and she's to fat and shit. Fuck it's fusterating. Anyway im ot, totally drained from work. Still im getting closer to my 8 grand im lookin towards. Going to costa rica now gave the USA the flick. xoxo

last week of school, FINALLY!! Can't be fucked caring anymore, lifes pretty bland. Just the usual, finally no guy problems, SO OVER IT! Maybe i should just convent to lezbianism. That would be interesting. Need to get away, wanting DESPARETLY to go to the big USA, still saving. Just need aprox. $8 THOUSAND! shit. got msn? add me lilz7267@hotmail.com. works awsome, i no i must be losing it. Wacked into a heavy steel door before (as u do!)my heads pretty fucked better go sleep it off. Catch ya Leah xoxo PS i got a question for ya, if lifes so short whats longer?

Had the best weekend. took lana to Ocean grove and we got the best weather. Oh and grove guys are so HOT. Just sunbaked and went to the beach most days. Woke up 6 o'clock Sunday morning and went for a run down to the beach for some skinny dipping. Thankfully the water was really warm. Just chilled and had the best time, and now we're back at school, bored shitless with crap ass weather. Well i'm out i gotta work tonight, cya Luv Leah xo

If i can be me Why wont u let it happen Is my hapiness your worst nightmare?

I've had the BEST weekend for the year 2005, so far anyway. Friday night i went to rumours, this club at Knox. It's was fuking awesome, there were hundreds or people there we had to stand in the line for like half an hours just to get in. Some chick asked me to poick up her boyfriend, i was a bit confused and when i asked y she said 'because he thinks your hotter then i am and i want him to prove it' like you'd want your boyfriends to prove something like that. But anyway it was sooooo awesome. Ash and Luc came back to my place. Just mucked around till early morning till we fell asleep. Saturday i just hung out wit the girls a bit, went round to tasha's. My bro's bball game and went to the moies for a late one. Just mucked around didn't get home till about to which is early but later then i'd expected. Just chillin today, working tonight. Just got off the phone to Sam. I wasa suppossed to meet up with him today but i'm kinda glad i didn't because he seems to think i was willingly ready to sleep with him, which im not so i told him and now i just gotta let him calm down. I gtg anyway, gonna go for a walk Catch ya Leah

Maybe this isn't for me Maybe you are to old Is all your talk bullshit Is everything u want from me wat i can't give you Am i really special Am i what you want Mind or body Am i ready

School is shit. I mean last year it was awesome, class was mad fun except for when we had strict teachers and were forced to work. And now im with NONE of my friends in ANY of my core or elective subjects. It's a total drainer. Anyway aboe all that and 2 jobs that are KILLING me, there's Sam. I'm still not sure about whether its such a good idea to get serious with him and it's definatly not the afe and secure thing to do but i've always hated safe and secure relationships, they're to boring. Although i am still unsure about the whole sex thing but hey i'e figured it'll happen when it happens. I'm out Luv Leah xox

words said giggles sparks fly flirting eyes smiles could i be happy? Is this it? Wake me up i must be dreaming