.Its been awhile. I would write about something. But nothing exciting ever happens to me. Nobody new in my life. I completly forgot about this sitdiary, and then outta nowhere just kinda remembered i suppose. Im going to quebec for three weeks. I cant wait to get out of this place. Im done tho, ill leave some lyrics. "eyes reflecting tears of inner sadness as the fragments of my heart fall to the floor and this room where you convey a frowning mastery of lingering regret, you never let your heart go free"

. You were the antidote that got me by Something strong like a drug that got me high .

.its been soooo long since i wrote in here. i got a new computer so its all good now. . Nothing is new with me. My life is completly boring latly. . I see him all the time now. I miss him and want him soo much. But ill just keep waiting. . Well my dad has nothing to do with me anymore. The past 3 weekends its supposed to have been my weekend with him hes forgotten to get me every single night. Things at home are fuked. Im stressed. Work completly sucks to. . Going to see black eyed peas on the 15th. Dont like them much but it'll still be fun. Its a concert. .I can't shake you, no matter how much I hate you, because you captivate my mind with all my rage and you know how to get to me, even after all these years, because you knew me. One last cigarette we'll share tonight, and I'll chase down the door, wanting to leave more than stay and stare at your eyes. You're beautiful when you're wrists cry and you crawl to the floor. I'll walk away from you, wishing your eyes would stop gazing at my inner thoughts. My eyes bleed tears I never though would fall for someone so miserable yet smug. I can't feel for someone I hate, and you have to stop comming back, leave me alone and let me be. I need time to straighten out what you've done to me, what you claim was my saving, my learning. You never understood me, you always took me for granted, but I came back, always came back. Because it's me at fault now, because I let you, I let you enfold me.

its pretty late. im tired but dont feel like sleeping. Ive spent the last couple days with kim. That was fun. Went to a party type thing last nite. Took a buncha pics. i really would like to talk to mike. break the ice so things can start happening. hes not like any other guy ive hooked up with. hes the good kind. cant explain it. were probably moving. just into the town where my highschool is but still its better than this place. "You say the most beautiful things, an endless list of treasures of trimmings. It takes all my faith just to start I don't care now how much I'm wrong my song it shames your ears every sentence a failure. Slant rhyme is all I can give half truth is all I'll get. Show us all what grace can mean, all of what I might be. Close your eyes call it escape. We'll run away from everything Lie to me, love me We'll run away from everything."

she said I don’t know if I’ve ever been good enough I’m a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in and I don’t know if I’ve ever been really loved by a hand that’s touched me, well I feel like something’s gonna give and I’m a little bit angry... she said I don’t know why you ever would lie to me like I’m a little untrusting when I think that the truth is gonna hurt ya and I don’t know why you couldn’t just stay with me you couldn’t stand to be near me when my face don’t seem to want to shine cuz it’s a little bit dirty

havent written in here forever.. nothing new.. my life really is as boring as shit. been hanging out with new people. Its alot better, maybe even found myself a good guy. But with my luck ill end up fuking that up to. i always seem to manage somehow. Like i dont know what it is. im not a shy person. just whenever im around people i act so quiet like i dont know what to say. i keep telling my self to just knock it off. but i cant. people dont get it. ive lost two people becuz of it. maybe its becuz im scared. scared of what i dont really know yet.

Hockey wasnt as good as i thought it would be.It was fun.But you know.I got high before my second game and i was just ripped, but i had so much energy, i was all into the game. So i got voted mvp haha. our team went bowling during our game breaks.How fun was that.=|. Anyway i was waiting outside after that and two guys frum another team started whisteling.I just sorta walked away.Then they watched all of my games from behind my bench.Fuktards.At least they were decent looking. Its kool meeting n hangin with diferent ppl.Thats why i like playing guys hockey so much.Fuk sexist ppl arent going to let me next year tho.Unless i can proove myself. Ive become in those really horrible moods latly.Like feeling down alot.About i dont know.I guess its just everything.My mom said she was trying to get a job outta town.But doesnt look like thats happening.I was really looking foward to maybe moving.Starting over.Meeting new fuking people. HMmmmmmmmmmmm Im out. .keep.it.real.

Tournament in threee days. Rightt on. I get to seee Him!!! Keep.it.real.

why does tonite, have to end? why don't we hit restart, and pause it at our favorite parts. we'll skip the goodbyes. if i had it my way, i'd turn the car around and runaway, just you and i.

well i just got back from kenora. I had a hockey tournament. We didnt do that well. We ended up d-side runner ups. I got creamed hard into the boards tho last 10 minutes of our final game. We stayed over night on saturday, and we were all swimming and in the hot tub after our game for like 5 hours. 4 guys from outta town that play for us sometimes came and yea one of them was like whoa. Got my mind of of shaun and that did some good. Guess it made me relize not all of them are like him. I cant wait for our next tournament in two weeks i get to see him again. Kinda sucks he doesnt live in the same town tho.

*two more days till christmas, cant wait. I havent written in here for awhile, n im at my dads, n hes never home, so im super bored. Not a whole lot is new. My sister is down from BC, its good to see her, cuz i havent in a couple months. *well i was really lookin foward to christmas this year, but its all turning so horrible. Like my mom has been so upset latly, n its brought me down seein her like that.She does so much n she doesnt beserve to be like that. *As for me n marty, were pretty done i could say, i just told him he turned into a friken jerk n havent talked to him since. But stupid me, im going right back to the thing i need to walk away from. Shaun. En, i dont know what will happen, but were gettin close again, like how we used to be, n it feels so good. *I have nothin left to say really, Have a merry christmas, hope everything's workin for ya. =.I.think.of.your.face.n.how.i.fall.into.your.eyes.=

This weekened was my hockey tournament, in our home town. and of course we lost every single game. we could have kicked ass but i dont know what happened.Pisses me off tho. So i just got back from watching the finals, kinda dissapointed it wasnt us but o well. Theres always next time. Im going to winnipeg next weekend. Shopping time again. Only for christmas shit but o well. I got a fuking slapshot to the leg yesterday in one of my games, and my leg is so swollen and bruised, it hurts like a biotch. Mom made chocolate brownies today, i got to eat the leftover chocolate mix, mmmm. haha. but im outta here. Goin for a bath. =. And in the end. We will be together. .=

today was good, went for lunch with marty. i had a awesome time. we went to the pet shop haha and checked out all the animals, i found out hes afraid of snakes, what a guy lol. hes gunna have his moms bf's car this weekend so hes gunna come and get me and were going to go into dryden. wow have i ever missed him. Other than that i won my hockey game tonight, 6-3. I had 3 chances to score on an empty net and u think i got one of them.. no brutal. But im super tired. Im outta here. Nite

Fuk after school today joey was there to pick me up and amanda and kimmy came to, well we were going down the highway at 200km/hour and i was like joey slow the fuk down, and as he was slowing down a cop droce right by us, put their lights on. Joet flipped he was like non-stop swearin. The cop clocked us at 177, and he told us thats the fastest hes ever caught someone while being a cop haha. But joey was like almost crying becuz he is prolly loosin his license, and the fine was so big that they couldnt even give him a ticket so he has to go to court. And becuz we were all underage (except of course joey) they had to phone our parents. Shitty deal. But fuk kim and amandas parents freaked, im just not allowed in the car with him anymore. I feel so bad for him tho, cuz everyone is so pissed at him. Anyway, other than that i had a pretty borin day, went to school, and hockey practise. N now im downloadin music. But im out. Keep it real! =.We'll be miles apart I'll keep you deep inside.=

Three ThingsCreated by andy and taken 10041 times on bzoink!Three things that scare me:1Dieing2Being alone3MidgetsThree people who make me laugh:1Jenna2Bam 3martyThree Things I love:1Bam margera2Marty3my friendsThree Things I hate:1Liars2Vegetables3Conceited pplThree things I don't understand:1Life 2Math3MeThree things on my desk:1Web cam2transworld magazine3NotebookThree things I'm doing right now:1This2msn messenger3Listening to musicThree things I want to do before I die:1Fall in love2Be happy3Travel the world =]Three things I can do:1Play hockey2Snowboard3Make people laughThree ways to describe my personality:1shy when i dont know you2outgoing3funThree things I can't do:1Math2Confront people about certain things3Be meanCreate a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink!

Have you ever... [x] been drunk. [x] rode in a taxi. [x] been dumped. [ ] shoplifted. [ ] been fired. [x] been in a fist fight. [x] had sex. [ ] had a threesome - kissing or otherwise [x] been kissed [x] snuck out of your parent's house. [ ] been arrested. [ ] made out with a stranger. [ ] stole something from your job. [ ] celebrated new years in times square. [ ] went on a blind date [x] lied to a friend. [ ] had a crush on a teacher. [ ] celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans. [ ] been to europe. [x] skipped school. [x] thrown up from drinking. [ ] lost your sibling. [x] played 'clue'. [x] went ice skating. [ ] dropped x. [ ] cheated on a bf/gf. [x] been cheated on. [ ] had a sweet sixteen. [ ] had a quinceanera. [ ] had a car. [x] drove. [x] kissed a member of the opposite sex [ ] kissed a member of the same sex [x] had feelings for someone who didn't have them back [x] given or recievd oral sex [ ] danced in front of people [ ] played strip poker [ ] slapped someone i loved [ ] been in an abusive relationship (abusive emotions) [ ] wanted to kill yourself [x] taken painkillers [ ] faked being drunk [x] been to canada [ ] been to mexico [ ] eaten sushi [x] seen someone die [X] lied to get out of trouble [ ] dropped out of school [x] been pregnant or got someone pregnant [x] done something you really regret [x] made someone you love cry Do you... [ ] have a bf. [ ] have a gf. [x] have a crush. [x] feel loved. [x] feel lonely. [ ] feel happy. [x] hate yourself. [?] think you're attractive [x] have a dog. [x] have your own room. [x] listen to rap. [x] listen to rock/heavy metal [x] listen to r/b [x] listen to techno. [ ] listen to reggae. [x] have more than 1 best friend. (2) [x] get good grades. [ ] play an instrument [x] have slippers. [ ] wear boxers. [x] wear thongs. [x] like the color blue. [x] like the color pink. [ ] cyber [ ] claim. [ ] like to read. [x] like to write. [x] have long hair. [ ] have medium hair [ ] have short hair. [ ] have a cell phone. [ ] have a laptop. [ ] have a pager. Are you... [ ] ugly. [x] pretty. [x] bored. [ ] happy. [x] bilingual. [x] white. [ ] black. [ ] mexican. [ ] asian. [x] short. [ ] average. [ ] tall. [ ] grounded [ ] sick. [ ] a virgin. [x] lazy. [x] single. [ ] taken. [ ] looking. [X] not looking. [ ] talking to someone relationship wise. [x] IMing someone. [x] scared to die. [x] tired. [x] hungry. [x] thirsty. [ ] on the phone [x] in your room. [ ] drinking something. [ ] eating something. [ ] in your pjs. [x] ticklish. [x] listening to music. [ ] homophobic. [ ] racist

well alot has been going on latly, i just havnt written in here for a while. Guess i havnt had the time. Well marty wrote me an email saying he thinks we should think about us going out because it might be a lost cause, so i was like w-e, then i got an email today saying that he was really sorry he didnt know what he was thinking and to call him. Fuk it i cant call. I dont need any more of guys bullshit. The first guy to ever seem serious when he said he loved me for the first time, got rid of me. So i dont know what im going to do. I miss him so much tho. I went to winnipeg with joey last thursday. I guess you could call it a date lol. We went to the movies, we went shopping and he bought be a fuking $100 element sweater. Like he forced me to pick something out or he wouldnt leave. It was crazy. Then he bought a dvd player that hes gettin installed into the dash of his car, thats gunna be sweet. And we went to redlobster for supper. He broke up with his gf yesterday and hes sorta a wreck. But hes comeing down on mon for two weeks so thats awesome. I have my fist hockey game this weekend and i cant even go to it god dammit. I am going to winnipeg again for the weekend. But ill write more later cuz im outta here. =. N' All the notes you wrote me. I kept them all ."

Didnt go to school today. I was to tired, so mom told me i could stay home. I have missed way to much school. Im passin everything, not with very good grades but i will have to work on that. Well i havnt written in here for a long time, and alot has been happening. Marty got back on saturday but didnt bother to come and see me all weekend. But then he phoned and asked me to go to lunch with him. That went ok. I spent alot of time with joey while he was in town. Yea i admit we kissed, alot. Nothing more. He told me he really wished i lived in redlake and that he really liked me. But i have just been feelin so shitty lately. I thought i found a guy (marty) that would last a long time and i would be happy. Then he has to go and do all that shit. I waited this long for him and hes making it seem like he doesnt even care. Its been two nites now that ive waited for him to call like he said he would but he hasnt. I kno i am at the wrong for kissing joey, but i have mixed emotions right now. N im so confused. Neway, things usually turn out for the worst so im ready for it. I watched a cinderella story and jersey girl last nite and this morning. They are chick flicks but they are so good. Yea im a loser. But i am going to go watch some viva la bam. I downloaded like 10 episodes on my computer haha. Aww Bam.. so HOT. Later =.Nothing seems to go your way and everything seems Wrong.

Tonight i was soooo fukin pissed off at my dad. I was right pumped all week because tonight was my first nite of hockey.. i went out after school and told my mom when dad got there to tell him to pick m eup for hockey.. well he decided to tell her that it was cancelled so i get home and asked where my dad was and she told me what he said.. so i was bumed out.. so me and amanda went to the arena anyway to see what was going on.. and there was my team practising on the ice.. and my coach was like why arent you playing.. and he told me that my dad told him i couldnt find my equipment which is a total Lie.. he just was too busy for me. What an ass. Ill freak on him tomorrow if he doesnt pick me up for hockey camp. Anyway i went to amandas till like 11 and then asked joey for a ride home.. but we didnt end up going home.. we drove around .. went to the dock.. aww im so confused.. marty gets out tomorrow and he isnt even going to come to the bay. Jerk. I guess its the fact that he hasnt been here for so long that the more im with joey the more feelings i have for him. Im so fuked.. i just miss marty so much. Well im out. Got hockey early tomorrow morning.

Fuk im tired. Im going to bed as soon as im done this. i havnt written on here in a couple of days so ill do that now. Good news Marty is comeing home for sure. Something fuked up over there so he cant stay, which makes me SO happy but it would have been a good thing for him to do soemthing with his life. I beleive in him tho he'll get somewhere, eventually. Haha jk hun. So saturday hes going to come straight here and were fianlly going to get to hang out like old times. Weve been together what 3 months now and only have been able to see eachother for a month of that. Anyway. Went to the all nighter at the movies tonight which is why i am on so late. Or should i say early. Its hard staying up for 5 movies at the drive in. But they were all good movies. God i couldnt get a ride out to homecomeing. Nobody in the bay could so we had our own party pretty much. I drank WAY to much and probably made an ass outta myself because i dont remember a thing. I remember getting home, (some people walked me home) and my mom asking if i had drank. Lol. Good thing when i woke up she just mocked my life. I didnt get in shit because she could tell i had learnt my lesson on my own. And i did. But w-e. Im going to bed now. Goodnite. =.Cant Wait till I can hold you in my arms again.= 5 More Days!