i can't stay over you. it seems we drive forever but can never get away from here. well, just one more try? i'm guessing you are over me... i guess it's bravery. i stayed in the car cause the weather had gotten to me.. but, it's really these road signs and freeways that i can't take. this can't be how you live... it's like a ball and chain 'round your waist or a simple state. my mind's sick again, i'm tasting nothing but four words: please-don't-leave-me. with your scents on my face, i can leave and have you for days. i still can't see you. summer came and we got lost, all of us. i am nothing without you. you still won't remember my face, features mixed too well with the alcohol. cover ourselves in your fear, i'll stay and watch that moon disappear under these lights of the city. oh, the city's screaming at me. as we breathe the words, i better go. the sun is up and taking back all the shadows that covered this ground and our feet like a blanket of coal. i miss who i used to be.

hannah: i'm really sorry about how things ended between us hannah: i honestly never wanted to hurt you like that tom: im glad i grew up from it ' i hope that dreams come when i die so we can talk, i won't wake up. i'll ask you how your life turned out. i'll never know that i'm just dreaming. ' i feel like i'm in the dream state.

i never found the camera i was looking for my i DID establish that i am in dire need of a new one. i seem to have messed mine up, the quality is really bad on mine now. well, not REALLY bad.. but it is driving me mad. plus, i need one with better focus. that's upsetting me as well. and i want an ipod, but i don't know if i'm willing to drop 250 bucks on something that i could break. camera--sure. ipod--ehh, not so much. maybe i'll just go for a cheesey other mp3 player.. as long as it serves the purpose, right? for christmas i wannnt: -the first season of 6 feet under, reaaally badly. me and lawrence were at the dollar store once and we found it on vhs just SITTING in the middle of everything and it was like.. 10 bucks. pfft. grab that shiiiiii. vhs is nice and nostalgic, too.. hmm... {I'M MISSING THE RERUNS RIGHT NOW!} -movies. i just can't remember what. OH! elizabethtown and the wedding singer, mhm. -that's pretty much it. hahaha. i'd like to see my bestfriend. i miss him so much, it's ridiculous. oiii. i'd like some thoughtful presents from my friends this year, really. i could buy that stuff that i want on my own. the best present i ever got was this mix cd of songs that made one of my friends think of me and a list of WHY each song was on there and what memory it brought up annnd stuff like that. so great. and rachel once made a collage of james franco and wrapped some dr pepper in it. the collage stayed in tact and the dp's were FABULOUS. mm. i'm getting excited for christmas.

wow, i really haven't written in this thing in so long. i tried livejournal, but i don't like it. i guess it doesn't feel as personal? so since july 20th: lawrence came back and things were pretty fucking dank, summer was amazing with him and the school year started. i turned 16 on august 29th, and that VERY SAME DAY, lawrence had a big fight with his parents and they kicked him out of the house.. making him leave for his dad's, 300 miles away from me. my birthday was spent crying with him, basically. i'm failing history. ehh. i know i've brought the grade up, but it pissed me off. my teacher is a snot, seriously. i got a job! i type and run errands in the county court house, it's pretty cool. i feel sorta legit i guess. oh. and wonderwall is the best song in the history of the world. i swear.

i am realizing that i'm not a good person. i used to think i was different. i used to think that i wasn't cliche. i used to think that i was a good friend. i used to think that i was caring. but i'm not. and now i hate myself. today in second period, they were talking bad about kat. the whole time i kept thinking 'i'm gonna regret saying anything...stfu hannah' but i didn't stop them and i contributed to the shit talking. not too much, but enough to make me a bad person. then in study hall, i wrote a letter to a boy and i put some jack's mannequin lyrics in it. then magga and hwa read the lyrics and kept teasing me. first off, it was a song-i didn't mean anything by it and we both know that. second off, i didn't want the other kids in that class to start any shit about me and that boy. but i felt bad. cause ultimately, i DO kinda like that boy. i didn't mean anything by the lyrics, but idk. i srsly need a vacation from life. i need to just go back to the beach and stay there by myself for 3 days. i need to clear my head and try to figure out who i am again... cause it's no fun hating yourself. gag.

friday should be nice. i hope it is. he's picking me up at 5am, and i'm gonna demand a taco run. then we go to.. fal. i think? anyways, we get out of school early-11:30. i'm hoping we get to hang. <3

rain on my mind, i've got a secret life. wipe it away, nothing can make me dry. fight all the while... fight till i think i'm free. fear reigns so we never see beautiful secret lives. it could make you, face all your fears smile in the day, fear takes its place at night. you're pretty in the rain, i love your secret life. it can make you, face all your fears i could leave you well enough alone believing you'd be overcome and gone by grace away better off than if i stayed. i could leave you, walk away. we'll save it for another day. through all the wars i've come to know, it's punches pulled, not towels thrown in. when they come knocking on your heart's door, choose the one who loves you more. and when you've found something to die for, hey i'll be knocking on your heart's door. it can make you, face all your fears. choose the one who loves you more.

i'm sick of people. i'm so fucking tired. i'm so busy making OTHER people happy and it's never enough. i don't know how i feel about tom. i don't have feelings for the other boy, though. i'm sick of people criticizing me without knowing EXACTLY what's going on. just for the record, the weather today is slightly sarcastic.

i talked to my dad today about tom, he said exactly what i've been thinking; he just hasn't grown up. he's so dependent. he hasn't gone through shit. he hasn't experienced anything bad. he just hasn't grown up. and i don't know what to do. i used to ask tom how he could miss me when he saw me less than 24 hours before... i spent pretty much all of yesterday hanging with that other boy, and i really miss him right now. :/ aslkjdfl

the warped tour lineup looks pretty good this year... fall of troy is gonna be there. thursday. underoath. HELLOGOODBYE! alexisonfire. plus all the usual others. school is beating the shit out of me. i have an 82 in algebra 2. that test i retook went realllly well, i made a 97. BUT, turns out i never turned in a homework paper and my mean teacher refuses to accept it late. so, i have a 0 locked in. FUCKME. english... sucks. history... blows. i THINK i'm doing alright in chemistry. but chances are, i'm wrong and am actually doing supershitty. I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL anyways, on the brightside-- today was fun. i still think i have a thing for that other boy and am questioning how i feel for tom. 2 days till fair break. i envy all of the kids on spring break right now. laksjdfiwls :|

wannabe scene kids make me wanna vomit. -fashion mullets, bandanas, blonde chunks, short hair, myspace, saying "rawr" don't add up to shit if you don't get to shows, idiot. so take as many pictures of you pretending to shoot yourself as you want, but that aint gonna make you scene, sweetheart. anyways, my computer deleted limewire without me knowing. i'm sick. schoolBLOWSbigtime. i stayed after and retook a test in algebra 2, cause i made a 5fucking4 on the original test. here's hoping that i made a decent grade. i need to finish reading a seperate peace. it's a really good book, the problem is me trying not to fall asleep in the middle of it. history sucks. i never know how i'm doing in chemistry. the rest of my classes don't matter. i was filling out forms for the ACT, and while i was bubbling in my "out of school accomplishments" (or lack of).... i realized how much i suck at life. ---- on the bright side, i finally found a copy of the new brand new stuff! hell yes.

man. i love that boy to pieces. his girlfriend is so luckyyyyy. i'm not a rockstar but i still tend to rock hard. you try to play games tease and try to keep me rock hard. try to make me slap you and see me in a cop car. catch me speeding in stock cars expecting me to stop hard. you playing with the mind of the craziest kind. telling me how much you love me when i know that you're lying. you must be snorting lines if you think that i'm crying. you manipulating, backstabbing, cold, and kaniving. i went from last to first but this is first to last. i'm the major league playa you can kiss my ass, trick. SHAKE IT LIKE A SALT SHAKER.

i'm listening to in your eyes, by peter gabriel, and i keep thinking of say anything. if i looked out my window to see john cusack lifting a radio and playing this song for me, i think i'd just about melt. and i'm talking to law. :]

i fucking HATE change. i hate drunken whores, especially ones that used to be my best friend. don't you hate when you think you know someone, and then they turn around and surprise you? fuck her. i realized the other day that i lost katti but i replaced her with lawrence, and i think it was for the better.

Whenever I'm alone with you, You make me feel like I am free again. Whenever I'm alone with you, You make me feel like I am clean again. i wish i could stop feeling this way. i think i like this boy. i don't know what to do, but i wanna see him right now. i feel different around him. prom is today. alskdjfwoei :( i don't wanna go. it's stupid and overrated & i'll just know one person there.

boats & birds by gregory & the hawk is so good. seriously. download it. it's beautiful. tomorrow's friday, which would be great if my teachers didn't decide to put off tests till friday :[. anyways, lsldkfjwi!!

school takes so much out of me. if i'm not worrying about tests, then it's progress reports... or report cards... or a new project... or homework. a kid needs a break every once in a while. if it's not school stressing me out, its my parents stressing out about school FOR me. i'm never good enough for them. i'm ranked 3rd in my class and to them, i'm an idiot. i don't want to go to rice university. i'd love it if they'd let ME decide what i wanted to do with my life. they can only hold on to me for so long... you know those times when you're swimming and you start running outta air... and you try to surface but find out that it's farther than you thought it was? i'm still waiting to find my surface and breathe.

dear _________; you, my dear, are nothing more than a postergirl for the fucking myspace kid trend. go fuck yourself. don't copy my pictures. don't copy all of my survey answers, it doesn't make any cooler, you idiot. don't act like you hate myspace-- you're on it all the fucking time. don't say you hate people begging for comments and then post 4 in a row asking for some. no, you're not scene. you're not emo. you're not punk. you're not preppy. you're not fckng retro. you're a fucking fake. end of story. today was so blah. i think i forgot to do a lot of homework. thinking of school makes me nauseous. i look like shit. prom is saturday and i do not want to go. prom is so fckng overrated. i'm sleepy. my stomach hurts. i need to pee. i'm in such a piece of shit mood that its not even funny. gag.

last night was the big show. it was great, but i think i was the only one out of the crowd i went with that thought so. after the second band played, me and rachel decided to go behind the little shack and just sat down in the grass and lo and behold.. who came and talked to us? the bandddd! it was really cool, turns out they were all only a year older than us and it was their first out of town show. i had to ask for each of their names 2 times because i have an idiot memory. i do remember the lead singer's name, danny. i talked to him the most. john walked by me a million times before he acknowledged me-- and even then, he was drunk. my sister's got a cute boy, lucky girl. when i go to shows... i wanna meet new people and see a good band perform. i don't want to have my boyfriend attached to my hip and asking me if i'm okay every other second. and of course, that's what he did the whole time. i felt like i was doing something wrong because every time i would be talking to some guy, he'd come up and basically stand on top of me-- as if to show possession. after the show, he and his friends were dissing the bands and their performances and he said "if we played before a band like chiodos, they'd probably think we were awesome... but if we played this crowd, they'd probably boo us cause they're hot topic kids." lmao. so i said "ok, so you're saying that these kids are hot topic losers and chiodos is strictly hxc underground?" right. i may not know those kids well, but i know them well enough to say that they are true hardcore kids. they make him look like a trendyass poseur. that little comment pissed me off. then we all went to dairy queen and took up 3 tables. it was the bestttt. me and law are back on good terms--it was easier to get over than i expected. so, last night was great.

this is my second entry of the day. pft. um. things fall apart really fast, and its weird. she said hi to me when i was at practice today. she walked into the room and just said "hi hannah!" :|. i gave her a half-ass wave and went back to my papers. there were so many things i would've LOVED to say to her at that moment. right now i just want to go find him and hug him. it's only been one fucking day and it's killing me. today i realized how much little things remind me of him. THE PAINT ON MY WALLS REMINDS ME OF HIM. it's so fckng funny how i spent all that time complaining about katti, when i didn't even see what i had gotten in exchange for her. i was about to say that he was a better friend to me than she ever had been, but that'd be a lie. i miss her. i miss him. and i'm just waiting for the world to make sense to me again.