me: you're breaking my heart. him: i know him: remember...[blah blah blah about his paper] me:glad to know that's all you're worried about him: you know that's not.

i will be my own insanity.

he looked at me and asked me if i was ok, and i slowly [or maybe it was quickly?] nodded my head; i couldn't speak because breathing took too much of a concious effort, and i couldn't move my eyes because they were glued to a spot on the wall above the tv screen. all i was aware of was that it seemed as though i could feel every cell in my body, the back of my head was on fire and the rest of me was shivering, and how he was on the couch next to me, and it didn't seem close enough. now all i can hear is this stupid smashing pumpkins song playing on my computer, with all its glitches, and drunken cries from all over the house. it isn't good enough.

i want someone who feels they should have been born in the past. someone who feels drawn towards the 60s and 70s. someone who is drawn to the dark and tragic, someone with a deep mind who feels passionately, someone who sees how wrong things are going in the world, someone with theories and opinions. i want someone who is interested in the paranormal, the unknown, the mysterious. i want someone who will live with me in a big old victorian house, someone who loves rainy days and winter, soemone who thinks about death, yet not in a suicidal way. someone who lives off of music, someone with a poetic or artistic mind, interested in things away from the main stream, someone who likes spur of the moment trips and sight seeing in foreign countries. i want someone who is complicated, someone who is spontaneous, someone who enjoys taking walks in the woods and pondering things in their spare time. i hope, someday, i find someone with at least some of that. i hope.

yes, things are better for me, but they were never really bad with me and him. it had less to do with him being late (he had a very valid reason...he never gets to see his brother, who is in the marines, and his brother made a surprise visit to their family, and they had to go out to eat, etc, and he didn't have his cell phone with him.). besides, when he called me, i guess he could tell i had been a little worried, because he kept apoligizing. but i think it had less to do with arriving late and more to do with pms and the fact that i didnt feel good. he said that you had gone up to him and told him, not whispering like it was a secret, so that people wouldn't think what you were telling him was a big deal, but just telling him subtly that i had gone outside, quietly, so that no one else would hear. i had hidden in the shadow of his car, i was on the ground with my head in my hands, sobbing, not caring about the fact that i had a skirt on, i was pretty much just fuck everything at that point. i shrank even farther into the shadows because i heard someone coming, and saw a shadow, but i got a vague sense that it was him, which was confirmed when he said something like "ok...well i don't know where the fuck you are..." and walked toward the woods. i called out to him, and he came back and comforted me, and i don't really remember what was said, but it was probably a lot of me apoligizing and calling myself names and being embaerssed, because i didn't know how anyone knew i had been crying, and i had planned for him to never see me cry. He helped me up, and asked if i wanted to go for a drive, and see if i felt like going back to the party after that. and then, i came back. that kid is so awesome. oh, and he said he thought you were really nice, and i was like, yep. she is.

these are visions and daydreams (not the kind that are like i wish i was on a tropical island with this person but where you just let your mind go and see where it takes you...i guess you could call it a trance...or you could call it paranoia.) from the past few days. my head has been going wild with them. none of them are something that i want, just something that ran through my mind. *we are in the backseat of a car parked in the parking lot at his homecoming. i decide to give him head, to try to make him happy. ive been so stressed out that i start silently crying as i do it, and he stops me and asks me what is wrong. i turn away from him and cry harder. he pulls me to him, i have clothes on but im so cold and i feel naked, im always so cold, and he holds me and asks me what is wrong and why am i shaking and why am i crying and why are my hands always so cold now. and i just shake my head and my bottom lip trembles and he just holds me. *he just decides to stop talking to me. and i never get ahold of him again. *we are at homecoming, i am dancing with him, having a good time. he's looking at me like he's taken with me, and suddenly a blonde girl walks up and looks at me like i'm disgusting, and asks him who i am. and he looks at me and says oh yeah becca...i forgot to tell you. i think we should break up. they dance the rest of the time. kelsey and courtney didnt go for some reason, so i was there by myself, and they didnt let me leave. and where would i go if i could leave? so i just stood and cried and watched them practically have sex on the dance floor. and everything reminds me of him.

Rain pools and seeps beneath your door I laugh when you come with a bucket To try to scoop it out the window I smile as you slosh it on me instead And I splash some on you, since Rain only reminds us of sunny days to come Drops of rain will never stain your carpet For many years to come Tears pool and seep beneath your door I cry because you turn to me with Tears in your eyes. Because I wonder if whenever I’m kissing you Somewhere someone like me is missing you But tears will never stain your carpet For many years to come Blood pools and seeps beneath your door I moan. The blood escapes my sorrowful, weeping body As if it were afraid my despair will spread. When you get up your courage to look You see The Forgotten But you do not recognize the bleeding, ragged, dark heap with matted hair And glassy eyes A tired little rag doll, you leave her Crumpled on the porch to die Where blood will forever stain your carpet You find the coroner’s note slipped underneath your door As you silently weep and pray no more In the pocket of the dying girl, There were found a few bloodstained bills And a note “I’m so sorry about your carpet, my love.” And rain and blood and tears have all stained your carpet over the years A rug covers the stains that remind you of the dull brown color of my hair that you called auburn to your friends. And the bloodstained bills sit wedged between random pages of a bible that you haven't touched since blood seeped beneath your door. __________________________ i bet his other girl is skinnier than me.

July 31st? Saturday (the dates seem to be confused, it actually says 30th, but the last day was the 30th?) Today we all got up early to eat a German breakfast with all different types of bread, cheese, and meat. It was different for me because I am not used to waking up in time for breakfast (or lunch, some days) and if I did eat breakfast, it would be something small such as a single poptart. This was a huge breakfast, and after I was fully Wilfried or Barbara would ask me if I wanted more, and tell me to try things, and I knew that Dad would get pissed at me if I didn't accept their hospitality, so I ate more and more. I feel like a cow. Barbara took me and Christina to the grocery store, which was a lot smaller than the ones in the US, because almost everything is closed on Sundays (i think mcdonalds might be an exception?) They had many more kinds of meat in the meat section, some disgusting like cow's stomach, and some that were made for kids, that looked like teddy bears and things. After we got back, I took a shower, so did Christina, and then we went to Bonn, which is a very large city near Nuen-Kirchen. First we went to a German Museum of Recent history, which had lots of things about world war two in it. It was very sad, of course. Then there was something where everyone who went through was supposed to vote on which had more control over the view of the people, the goverment or the media. Almost 90 percent chose the media. Then we went to the Haribo factory near Bonn. Brett was freaking out about it before we got there, and once we got there he was taking armloads of candy and buying them. I got a few, everything looked so good, but I'm trying to lose weight while I am here. The city is beautiful. We ate at a German restaraunt that aws almost 500 years old (almost everything here is old, or so it seems. I love it) I had some strange dish that was a skillet with potatoes, cheese, and meat in it. It was good but too much food. Carbonated water is outrageously popular here! Not even the flavored kind, just regular carbonated water. Every time that Christina asks for tapwater for me from the restaraunts they look at me like I am insane. Then we walked the streets of Bonn. I found out today that Jan is actually 16. He is awesome now compared to last time we saw the Vonderbanks, too (and hotter...don't tell anyone I said that, no one knows.) Brett told me him and his friends smoke (not saying that makes him cool) and I'm not surprised. I don't think smoking cigarettes is illegal here because I have seen vending machines selling mostly American cigarettes for 4.50 Euros out on the street. While walking in Bonn, I began to see shops with clothes that I liked, and Christina told me that amost everything would be on sale because of the change of seasons. Keeping my 100 Euros amount of money I am allowed to spend in mind, and forgetting the fact that I have already gone back-to-school shopping, I went all out...the clothes were cheap. I got an awesomely colorful shirt that I love, a short black homecoming dress (I loved it so much I decided to go to homecoming because I had to haev it, even though I had planned on staying at home. For only 29 Euros!) It was quite a deal. At the next shop I bought a Berlin shirt, a Köln shirt, and a red tank top. After we were done shopping, we went home and I wa so exhausted that I went straight to bed. I love the German forests! I said I would love to go for a walk in one and Christina said she thought w ecould go for a wlak through one near her house (we=Brett, me, Jan, Christina). I am very excited!

July 30th, 2004 Friday Today has been very busy. the Vonderbanks keep us seeing lots of things, we have a full schedule ahead of us for the next few days that we are staying at their house. We got lost and couldn't find the nearest Autobahn and we drove around for hours looking for it. When we found it, I was a bit scared, because everyone drove so fast. The Autobahn does have speed limits most of the time, up to 130 km/h but there are still the parts where there is no speed limit at all. When the speed limit was 130 km/h, Dad was going about 120 or 125 km/h in the slow lane and people were zooming past us like we were parked! There is grafiti all over everything here, but it isnt too annoying or disturbing. Some of it is so colorful, it is beautiful in an art kind of way. Most of it is in English, surprisingly. Tons of cusswords, even more names/initials, and a few that actually have a message, like "no war" and then one with a girl's name signed with "for my love.." We finally found our way to Neun Kirchen, which is when we got lost again. We asked a woman for her help, but she said that she had only lived there a short time and did not know all of the road names. After another hour or so of driving around in the village, we found Christina's house. They were all on the deck waving to us (Barbara, Wilfried, Christina, Christian, Verena [Velena? I can't tell by how they pronounce it], and Jan). Barbara is Christina's mother, Wilfried is her father, Christian is her long term boyfriend, Verena is her younger sister, and Jan is her younger brother. He is between me and Brett's age, or at least that is what Mom said. Here is a description of their house: (it was a lot bigger than I thought it would be, because houses are generally smaller than here with the higher tax rate and all) it is very modern, with all hardwood floors and glass doors. Christina has a ton of hamsters! She insists that I sleep in her bed while she sleeps on the couch. Jan's room is next to hers, with the parents' room on that side also. On the main floor there is the high tech kitchen that is very modern, the foyer, Verena's room, a sun room, the dining room, and a large living room. The basement is finished and has the bathroom that my family will use. The garden is larger than most I have seen so far, with most of the yards being quite small. There is a terrace that connects to the living room, with a set of table and chairs. Mom, Dad, Wilfried, and Barbara had bier on it tonight, while Christina and I drank French cider, which is alcoholic but tastes wonderful--But I'll get to that later. The garden is filled with ponds and flowers and vegetables. I tried blueberries from the garden, they are delicious. Paths wind through the garden and bees so full of nectar they fly around slowly and lazily are all around. It is like the secret garden, and Wilfried grew all of it. (this is a small portion of the Vonderbanks' garden) Today when we got to their house they served lasagna and salad, and then we went out to the terace while Mom gave them our gifts to them. After that we discussed what we would do that day, and the Vonderbanks decided that they would take us to a nearby town called Siegburg, where there is an Abbey of St. Michael on top of a hill. We had seen this town from a distance on the drive to Neun Kirchen, and Brett thought the Abbey was a castle, which I found quite amusing. The abbey was very very old, Mom remembers it saying somewhere that it was built in 1050, but I'm not really sure; its pretty old, whenever it was built. Monks still live there. The climb up the hill was horrible, especially because it was so hot outside. We made it up the hill and then walked up the tiny spiral staircase hundreds of steps until we arrived at the top. We went out on the balcony and took pictures of Siegburg, then climbed carefully down the stairs and the hill into the town. We got icecream, but I was still full from the lasagna so I didn't get any. Mom got some that looked like spaghetti, with strawberry syrup as the sauce and grated white chocolate to look like parmesan. While we ate, someone in the town square was playing a didgeridoo. We looked for this pottery shop that was famous, but when we found it, it had already closed so we went back to their house. After the drinks on the terrace, we decided to get ready for bed (none of us are used to the time zone yet), which is why I am in Christina's room right now writing this. _______________________________ i read about this weird song, it reminds me of the ring...somewhere around 100 people have commited suicide after listening to it, or used the lyrics or the sheet music as a suicide note. its called gloomy sunday. i listened to it, it is quite haunting and depressing. there is something about it that is weird. the one i listened to was a version by sarah mclachlan, and it was especially chilling compared to the weird opera versions that i heard otherwise.

July 29th, 2004 Thursday We arrived in Wiesbaden after getting lost and having to get directions from an Englishman at a gas station, where me and Brett complained about the two and a half weeks ahead of us and worried that the Europeans would treat us horribly because we are American. I think it may have been partly because none of us had any sleep (except for brett) throughout the entire flight and we were all tired and crabby, because now that we are in our hotel in Wiesbaden and I look out the window to see the people picnicking and sunbathing and the beautiful architecture and the tiny European cars, i think i really like it here. We saw the kind of car that Brittany Murphy (sp?) and Ashton Kutcher (sp?) rented in Just Married. Its called a smart. The cars here are so weird looking, especially that one. Every now and then someone has an American sports car, which I suppose are very expensive because of them being imports and all, but not very often at all. I don't know why the sheet said we were staying in Frankfurt, since we are staying in Wiesbaden. It is beautiful here in this city, I can imagine myself living here. We had to go to a neighborhood and ask a German woman for help, and she was very nice; she even drew us a map of how to get to our hotel. So here we are. I guess the culture here is different, but there seems to be a lot more nudity on TV than in America. On a late night Jay Leno type show, they had a couple having sex in the shower. The glass was fogged butit was still quite obvious what was going on. I shall sleep on the couch tonight. I guess I was pretty damn tired the night when I got things together to pack, because I forgot pjs, my good hairbrush, and other important things. So now I must sleep in jeans. I am an idiot and I feel like smacking myself. I will write more tomorrow night. Love, Becca

it pisses me off when some of my closest friends lie to me. especially when the truth wouldnt have even hurt me.

well, i shall be using this journal for now to put up the log of my experiences traveling for three weeks or so in europe. if you are wondering about the dates, this is why they are so. ...it bothers me that my typing has decayed slightly so that if I am not watching the screen half of my words end up very misspelled. _______________________________ July 28th/29th. Today has been the strangest day! I spent the earliest hours of the morning talking online to the friends of mine that stay up late, leaving when it seemed as though i was on good terms with everyone. I wrote a diary entry but I was very tired and cannot remember exactly what I said, although I can guess it was probably some sort of exhausted goodbye. I could not fall asleep because I was anticipating the trip so much, so I got together things to pack into a suitcase and a backpack when I woke up, then went to bed. I woke up early with five or six hours of sleep and dragged myself out of bed because I knew I couldn't waste much time. It seemed so much like any ordinary day! I took a shower and threw some things into a suitcase, because I know I got everything together last night. My backpack is dreadfully heavy because of so many books! I had The Odyssey, two library books, Red Dragon, Hannibal, The Talisman, Jaws, Insomnia, and there may be more but I am not sure because I can't remember. Things seem to have reached a strange climax in St Louis, so many things happening on the night before I left! After packing I called Dairy Queen to tell them that I was definitely still interested in working there but that I was leaving for Europe. They told me to call them when I got back. We hired a woman who does oddjobs to drive us and our luggage to the airport, because we did not want our car to sit in the airport for so long. She takes us to the airport for every vacation, usually. We boarded the plane to Chicago. The flight turned out to be only forty or so minutes long, and it seemed shorter by the time the flight attendants go through all of the safety things. There were only 15 minutes or so between landing and takeoff when people were allowed to go to the bathroom. There was a two hour layover in Chicago when we had expensive airport McDonalds and sat around boredly. It is amazing to be in a building with thousands upon thousands of people that you do not know and will never see again. It feels so low to not notice the hundreds of people walking past you because they are insignificant to your life and you may never talk to them, to watch them flow by like an expressionless river, speaking in different dialects and languages. And what if I do happen to meet one person in that crowd, how strange it would be that we had passed each other by and had no idea. They have the funniest toilets in the Chicago bathrooms, I have never seen anything like it before. The toilets have thin plastic covers that rotate after you use the toilet, and the one that goes in goes in the trash and is never used again, while a new one comes out to cover the seat. I wonder, do all public buildings have these now, and I just haven't been out of my house enough lately? We finally boarded the flight to Frankfurt (Which is where I am sitting right now, cramped, not able to move my legs, and trying hard not to notice the incredibly hot German teenage guy sitting across the aisle from me.) There is no time, at home it is late at night and I wonder if my friends are online and what they are doing, and it is early morning here over the ocean. I am so freakin tired! We are in the back part of the plane, near the engines + screaming babies nearby=no sleep for becca. I really really need to go to the bathroom, but there is turbulence so I am not allowed to get out of my seat. I remember telling someone that if there was turbulence over the Atlantic I would be scared to death, but yet it is the exact opposite; things are so monotonous that every dip and jerk of the airplane is a welcome change. If the pilot does not turn the fasten seat belts sign off soon, I am going whether they like it or not. Well, I will probably write again when we get to the hotel in Frankfurt. The time goes so slowly! It feels like each minute is an hour when you fly through a sunset and three hours later you begin to see a sunrise. Well, good morning and goodbye.

im proud of myself. i can now watch all american rejects music videos with only minimal emotion at the familiar structure of the lead singer's face.

what a strange entry title. so yes. work. i wish that i could become friends with some of these people, a few in particular. like mr. gorgeuous blue eyes. he looks like a classical statue or something, you look up and see him, and you are slightly taken aback, your eyes widen slightly, because he is just so...sculpted. he has black hair, high cheekbones, and bright blue eyes. he spikes his hair up. and his face is like something from an old painting. one of those people that seem so beautiful you don't expect them to speak, or have a sense of humor, just to stand there looking beautiful, if you will. not sure if that makes any sense. it probably sounds very ignorant. who knows, maybe he just looks so attractive to me, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. but he does have a good personality too, if you would ever believe that is possible. he's actually a strange kind of funny... like standing in the cooler room and pretending to pee in the container of slush to put in the machine while me and a few other girls were getting dilly bars out of the freezer room to dip and bag. or excessively teasing me for droppign a dilly bar and having to throw it away. or just looking at me wiht this amused expression and shaking his head at me. the mysterious "a" guy. cuz i dont know his name lol. and then there is the 'm' guy. because i dont remember how to spell his name. it looked like some strange rendition of michael, but it was definitely not spelled like that. the one who made me feel extremely selfconcious when he noticed that i still had a trail of mascara under my eye from crying that morning. the one that was so faint when i was hurridly doing my makeup that i thought it was gone. but 'a' and 'm' both noticed it. the one who told me i had crap on my face, and wondered if i had been crying. the one who held the door for me when i backed out of his way. and then...then there's david. wow lol. how to describe david. how about this: i hated him at first. he is THE MOST obnoxious person i have ever met in my life. i thought he was sooo mean at first. when they were going over things with me again yesterday, he walked past and looked at me and said " i guess you're just a slow learner then, arent you." and while i was making a blizzard, he would come up behind me and yell at me to hurry up, or poke me in the back with a spoon while telling me to hurry up. they made him teach me how to make a slushy, and he wasnt nice or mean about it. and when i had to make a large brownie batter, which is my worst nightmare (the thing ALWAYS slips out of my hands a little bit. large brownie batter is the one that got me cut up. [sare- try to use the metal collars whenever you can. the plastic ones slip easier, and i learned that the hard way lol]) but anyway, yesterday it was a plastic collar. and i stood there trying to make myself press the switch. and here he comes up behind me, and says "you forgot to turn it on." and i'm like yeah. im too scared to because it slipped last time i did one of these. and he says, well are you going to turn it on? and i said, will you please? and he says, you want me to turn it on? and i said yes, please turn it on. and he asked if i was holding on tight, and then turned it on. and then corrected me because i didnt make it the right way. you see, the hard thing about training is that different people train you. and each one tells you a completely different thing. and when you do what one tells you, then the other one yells at you and tells you you are wrong. and in this case, for large blizzards, i started out putting the things in the top. then somoene told me to put in ice cream, toppings, and then mix so it would get to the bottom. and then someone else said no, thats wrong, the cup will break. put it in the top. and then yesterday i found out they were both wrong. apparently you are supposed to put in ice cream and toppings and mix. and then put in more ice cream, more toppings, and mix again. he said it was alright, that i would get it next time, and took it to the frotn counter. i guess the person complained, because they brought it back and yelled at me for not doing it right. it was still vanilla in the bottom. i hate brownie batters. and they are the flavor of the month so everyone gets them. so yeah. i was thikning i would have a horrible day. five hours with no friends working with me. and with most people not talking to me. and david...hes just such a character, i cant even descrive it. i will in a few minutes, i need to take a shower, brb. ________________________________________ ok, well, david. actually no. later. sorry. lol

old habits are hard to break old friends are hard to hate no apology ever came but i find myself running back just the same.

omg. i dont even know what to do. sMiLe2MuCh697: nathan talked to me last night butterflygrl0318: he talked to metoo butterflygrl0318: what did he say to you butterflygrl0318: :-( butterflygrl0318: hes driving me nuts sMiLe2MuCh697: ok he said alot butterflygrl0318: by the way butterflygrl0318: sorry about how i acted last night online butterflygrl0318: and are you mad at me? sMiLe2MuCh697: no im not mad at you butterflygrl0318: k butterflygrl0318: i didnt do anything 'addictive', i realized that i was being irrational and just went to sleep sMiLe2MuCh697: yeah i didnt think so sMiLe2MuCh697: ok well he imed me and was like so becca is pissed at m sMiLe2MuCh697: e sMiLe2MuCh697: and i was like "playing stupid" to get alot out of him sMiLe2MuCh697: and he was like well thats the way she was acting towards me sMiLe2MuCh697: im like ok, why, hes like cuz i found out who she liked sMiLe2MuCh697: im like how did you find out?? sMiLe2MuCh697: hes like cuz "i know what car he drives" im like ok. butterflygrl0318: its cuz he looked for hidden places in my diary, which makes me really mad sMiLe2MuCh697: yeah hes like and i hate to say this, but i have been reading her diary, im like i would be pissed too! i wouldnt want someone reading my diary butterflygrl0318: its like obsessive butterflygrl0318: its freaking me out sMiLe2MuCh697: and he was going on and on about how you didnt like him going out of town so he broke up with you and stuff butterflygrl0318: what? lol sMiLe2MuCh697: oh and listen to this! butterflygrl0318: that makes no sense butterflygrl0318: hes very confused sMiLe2MuCh697: he was like did you guys walk to my house the other day? im like what? hes like did you walk to my house you and becca. cuz in her diary it says we were going to find out where "he" lives and we did, and he has a maroon car, so did you walk to my house? im like no, that was about another guy. he thinks all the diary's that are talking about a "he" its about him butterflygrl0318: omg butterflygrl0318: obsessive butterflygrl0318: omg butterflygrl0318: omg butterflygrl0318: i am so fucking freaked out butterflygrl0318: im about to cry sMiLe2MuCh697: dont cry! butterflygrl0318: ill try not to sMiLe2MuCh697: hes just yeah obsessive butterflygrl0318: andi havnt tlaked to zach since he left friday butterflygrl0318: and that is freaking me out too sMiLe2MuCh697: cuz i think you wrote a diary about conley being like every other guy?? or something?? and he thought it was him and hes like becca thinks i used her. im like what??? no she didnt! hes like yeah in her diary its talking about me im like NO SHE WAS NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU hes ok sMiLe2MuCh697: hes like ok* butterflygrl0318: lol, yeah, that was about conley butterflygrl0318: jeez butterflygrl0318: i should never have gone out with him sMiLe2MuCh697: i know. im like you must still like her sMiLe2MuCh697: hes like no sMiLe2MuCh697: im like ok sMiLe2MuCh697: hes like what do i have to do to prove it to you? sMiLe2MuCh697: im like nothing i believe you hes like no you dont! no you dont! im like jeez! butterflygrl0318: omg butterflygrl0318: he is like, insane sMiLe2MuCh697: yes i know sMiLe2MuCh697: i was going to save the convo, but i totally forgot butterflygrl0318: its alright butterflygrl0318: and did you see how weird stephen was acting when nathan was there yesterday? sMiLe2MuCh697: yes! and omg... sMiLe2MuCh697: nathan was like stephen thinks zack has a girlfriend. but he doesnt know for sure. im like no he doesnt. hes like we are trying to find out. im like he told me he doesnt hes like oh ok. they are trying to find out if he has a girlfriend? why? cuz hes obsessed with you butterflygrl0318: now im scared butterflygrl0318: what if he does have a gf butterflygrl0318: im sacred butterflygrl0318: *scared butterflygrl0318: why does this always happen to me sMiLe2MuCh697: he doesnt he told me he doesnt butterflygrl0318: he told me he doesnt too butterflygrl0318: but im still scared

and tell me that you're happy now i'm only going to show little segments every now and then. it really isnt my place to show them, but oh well. i dont understand what was going on. he was in love. or he acted like it. and hes a bad liar but he must have been a good actor if he was trying to fool me, because he succeeded. i never fully believed him, never fully trusted him (its normal, with guys and me. i cant take down my walls. it wasnt saying anything against him) but this just proved me right. every guy that i go out with is the same. i dunno..it sounds wya too serious. but don't be mad at me or anything. please. ugh. i dont understanddddd i go to bed and my eyes go straight to his unfinished blanket, the dead rose, the bottle of sand, i smell his cologne. he haunts my thoughts and my dreams. i was stupid. well, maybe i wasnt. if he cares as little as he lets on then i was right to start the break up conversation. me-you are going to be like dang this girl is unsuitable as a wife [this is about the blanket that i never finished] me-because my stitching is like WHOA kind of bad him-wow cuz im gonna judge you as a stitcher him-or whatever thats called me-lol him-lol me-well, i cant cook, sew, iron, or do laundry him-im breakin up with you because you cant sew him-lol me-lol him-yeah right him-well i can him-so you can go out and get a good job me-no, you will just be like "haha i feel sorry for the guy that ends up marrying her" him-and ill do all that him-lol him-ya know what tho, if we do go out for a long time him-and i get outa highschool him-what then? him-cuz you would still be in highschool, and id be like at college maybe him-if things keep goin good him-nevermind, i think that should wait till that happens him-lol him-if it happens him-thats like 3 years away him-lol me-thats true him-(im thinkin too far into the future) yes, you were. was it lies?? hmm... riding in old suvs with boys.

ok. so. problem: nathan is avoiding me and seeming like a jackass. he doesnt answer me wheni talk to him, and if he does it is telling me he is busy and cant talk. so. noticing that stephen is flirting with me more. example: him-whats up? me-i decided to play dress up, so i was running around outside in a medieval dress him-i bet you look good in it me-it was my homecomming dress and on and on. i didnt flirt back tho. i don't know where that was coming from. so, nathan and stephen are real good friends, right? and stephen liked me before me and nathan went out, right? yes to both. i met nathan by going to one of stephen's games. so, what if he liked me this whole time, and is now seeing a chance or something? doubtful. BUT, if he does like me, nathan wouldn't want to steal me from his friend again. so, he would be nothing more than polite, and often less. often not talking to me at all. trying to get me to not like him anymore, and to like stephen. just being a good friend. helpin out a buddy. screw you both. unlikely, but the pieces fit? sort of?

fuck the last entry except for the awesome comments from sarah. i do miss him. kelsey tells me, that i shoudl tell him how i feel. actually, her words were a bit dramatic. NATHAN IM IN LOVE WITH YOU AND I MISS YOU SOOO MUCH GOD I MISS YOU or somethingother. i cant do that. maybe, someday, ill get up the courage to tell him that i miss him. maybe. but then, whats the use. he obviously doesnt miss me. might as well get over him. courtney is trying out for modeling. she seems to be getting more and more concerned with looks. oh well? i can't change her personality. i just hope she doesn't make bad decisions in the future...

things are not as they seem. some secrets are better lost it turns out, and some things are better if they never happened. such as me meeting that group of people. i'm starting to not miss him as much, i think. i do. just not as much. i can see myself getting over him, sometime.