I am going to write this, and then I am going to go to bed. I have to get up early tomorrow and go in and makeup a biology test or disect an earthworm, whichever mrs bloor thinks is more important. ______________________________________ Friday: As I look back, everything is such a blur. I'm not even sure what I did until Kelsey got there. The plan was, that her mom was going to take us to West County, where we were going to meet up with Landon and a few of his friends at the food court. Of course, I havn't been to West County in over a year before that. I was just kind of eh about the whole situation, I'm not usually good with new people, or people I don't know really well. So we would meet up with them, do whatever at the mall, and I would call my mom and she would come and pick me and kelsey up. It was 5 or 6 something, and they picked me up. I wore makeup and made my hair look nice. Blah blah. So, neither of us had been to west county mall in a long time, and her mom couldnt find the food court entrance, so she dropped us off at the famous barr entrance and we wondered around the mall for 15 minutes or so until we found the food court. then, we saw them, but kelsey wanted to keep walking around the food court and act like we didn't see them. Did i mention I am very shy? I kept doing what we now call "pulling a becca." kelsey and i would be walking along, and iwould suddenly stop, without her noticing, and she would keep walking and talking to me while i hid in the hallway to the bathroom or such. Then, we got there, we pulled up chairs at the table they were at, and watched Kurtis and D'journo eat. Fun, yes? no. I was a little uptight. Then, we hear a bunch of yells, and I see three more guys walking towards us. It was Hardon and D-Rad led by Connley. descriptions: Kelsey-you know her. or, if you don't, and you go to my school, you should. Landon-Kelsey and him had been likin each other for a while now. They liked each other in second grade, and then he moved away, but she recently got back in touch with him and they liked each other a bunch again. D'Journo (oh, however the fuck you spell it, who cares.)-i am questioning his sexuality. you will see more of that later. Kurtis-dyed blonde hair. Cute, but little boy cute. Momma's boy? Messy eater. Connley-oh, how to describe connley. (warning: sentimentalism ahead.) eyes the color of the shallow parts of the ocean in hawaii, brown hair, freckles, not much at all taller than me, but muscular. an actor? i'm not sure what to think of him yet, he baffles me. One minute he is being kind, and the next minute he is acting like a self-obsessed narcicist. then, ill ask him if he is really likethat and he says hes just fucking with us. I wish i understood you...Scorpio. What a coinkydink. A scorpio with blue eyes...hm. if you don't know what im talking about, just don't ask, its crazy anyway. He has a laugh that makes me smile. Hardon-reminds me and kelsey of shaggy from scooby doo. kinda looks like him and kinda talks like him. D-Rad-I think he is the quietest out of them. He is really nice, he has a lot of earings. ok, so theres some background info. Connley was the shortest out of them, and he was soo loud. He went straight over and bought some huge chicken terryoki sandwich with fries. Things got interesting after they came, he was so hyper, always the center of attention. He is the opposite of me, i guess. It was story after story with Connley. Me and Kelsey were the second center of attention, because we communicated across the table by using only mouthing words and gestures, and no one else could understand us. After a while, people started blocking our vision, so i decided i needed to pee and kelsey and i went to the bathroom. she had ended up thinking i kind of liked kurtis, when i actually kind of liked connley. so we talked, then we went back, and then we finally got up and walked around the mall. First, we went to hot topic, and Connley wanted kelsey and i to feel his ear. It has some wrestling thing, because he wrestles. ok then. and then we left there, and then we went back in. and then we left, adn then we went back in. We went in that store like 5 times in a row, by the time we left for the last time, a guy that worked there was standing by the door in case one of us decided to steal something and make a run for it. Then we went to Galyans. This is where the fun stuff starts. By the way, I get real shy around Connley. He would talk to me, and I would kinda look at my feet with my head but look up at him with my eyes, and blush, and say, yeah. I was reminding myself of laura wingfeild. (shudder). Well, the guys like to take camping trips, so, we went straight to the tents. There was one of those tents that just has a roof and open sides, with this matress thinger on it, and i layed out on it and just watched everyone. When I decided to get up, I told Kelsey i needed help, so she took one of my hands, and Connley just happened to be nearby so he took my other hand. Connley layed down there after I was up. Then, I went and layed on a stack of cots, on the first one, but under the others. Connley followed, and layed down under there with me to ask me if Kelsey liked Landon. I told him yes, she definitely does, and then he started asking me who i liked. He said, do you like landon? and i said no. and he said do you like hardon? and i said no. and he said, do you like d'journo? and i said no. and he said, do you like kurtis? and i said no. and he asked, do you like d-rad? and i said no. He was saying stuff like "damn." like he was genuinely dissapointed, so I said sorry, because I hadn't taken my medication (i havn't in a long time) and i figured he was mad at me or something. Then he said "do you have a boyfriend?" and i said, yeah, but he's kinda mean to me sometimes. (ill give you two examples. example 1- he was supposed to come over, but he didnt show up, and not only did he not show up, but he never called. um, ok? then iwent over to courtney's house and cried about it while kelsey and courtney talked on the phone with Matt (Connley) and Landon. Later he apoligized, apparently he was too sore to pick up the phone and call me. example 2- I was a good girlfriend, and i went to his lacrosse game even though i dont like going to guys games, i dont know what to say when they lose. It was freezing, and even though I had 3 layers on, my teeth were chattering. He yelled to his friend that i was being a wuss and did he have a sweatshirt i could wear. yeah, the same friend he brought over saturday night. but ill get to that.) connley-oh, he sounds like a fag. does he think he's a hardass? me-i dunno. (blushes) connley-IS he a hardass? me-i dunno. (blushes). (seeing a pattern?) connley-well, lets put it this way. Could I beat him up? me-i dunno, i'd have to see your muscles. What do your abs look like? (shows me his abs) what do your arm muscles look like? (big arm muscles) well, if you can lift me up and hold me for more than 5 seconds, then you can physically beat him up instead of the other way around. him-I bench between 170 and 200, and i only weigh 130. I gotta keep my weight down you know, since i wrestle. me-you could lift me easily. him-so, if he's mean to you, why don't you break up with him? and blah blah blah. him saying nathan sounds like a fag. and then i got up, and realized my thong was hanging out majorly. embaressment. so, we walked around galyans some more. and sometime during the night connley and someone else got busted for racing up the escalator barefoot. oooh, troublemakers. not. after a long time, we went to payless/supermarket of shoes (cant remember) to visit connley's sister, who works there. he lives in stl city, but his mom is a teacher at parkway south so that's where he goes. just some insight. Then, we went outside to wait for Landon's mom to pick him and alex (got sick of saying d'journo) and kurtis up. I layed down on the sidewalk and looked up at the dark sky and wished there were stars to gaze at. Then, connley came over and said, man, this girl likes to lay down. and i said, is that bad? and he said no, but helped me up. there was a stream of people going back and forth acrossthe sidewalk with trash from the food court, and one guy wheeling trash, it hit some hubcap which was on the sidewalk for some reason, and it all dumped. connley helped pick it up (kind, yes?), and i got the hubcap out of the way. then i sat down next to kelsey again, and connley sat down next to me and said, so becca, how are you. me-fine (blushes), how are you him-my back is sore. will someone give me a backrub? me-(in my head. nooo i have a boyfriend dont do it becca dont doit!) him-(turns to me) will you give me a backrub? me-(looks to kelsey for aproval. she nods) ok. i started giving him a hard massage, and he stretched out his back and kind of moaned, haha. him-omg, that feels awesome. OMG, i love this girl! after a while, my thumbs started to get sore. he lifted up the back of his shirt and asked me to just rub his back soft instead of massage, and i did that thing with my fingertips to give him goosebumps. he told hardon he was getting goosebumps and he was like, well man, put your shirt down then. and he was like, noo, it feels good. so yeah. then he put his shirt down. and we just sat there for a while, and he started telling stories again. I asked kelsey if she wanted to spend the night at my house, and she did, and my mom said yes when i called her. she was on her way. then we met eyes, he smiled real big at me, and this time isntead of blushing and looking down i smiled out ofthe side of my mouth back. then i slyly asked, where's my backrub? connley-alright then. he sat down next to me, and started massagin my back. hes good. it felt really really good. like, really. and i was looking away from him this whole time. i dindt want to see waht his face looked like. kelsey was watching this whole time, but i didnt know that yet. Finally, i got over my laura wingfeild-ness and looked over at his face. my hair was over my left eye, so he couldnt see my eyes at first, which was good. All i could see was his eyes, and how blue green they were. i was lost, it seemed like hours i just sat there with wide eyes staring into his eyes. he had been lookin at me with this intense gaze, which is when i realized that his cockiness is probably just a skin, that he's different underneath. i said softly "thank you, very much." and he said softly back, looking at me that way, "you are very, very welcome" I think we may have started leaning, im not sure, all i could think about was how i was going out with nathan, so i turned away. kelsey saw this, too. and she saw how he was looking at me. right then, people from his school came outside, and yelled to him, and he quickly got his hand off my back. and i kinda smiled. landon's mom came, they left, but hardon, d-rad, and connley stayed. and kelsey of course. he stood up, stretched out his arms. i thought he was stretching so i just looked at him. and then he was like, fine, dont hug me then. so i was like, oh, i thought you were stretching. so i hugged him and he just stood there like that. and i said, ok, well nevermind then, if you arenyt going to hug me back. and then he told me to do it again and he hugged me back. it was nice, im not gonna tell how nice, lol. then we just talked for a while, and my mom came. In the car ride home, i felt emotionally orgasmic. thats the only way i can describe it. i felt like i was going to explode. i was all smiley, and then i realized that i was happier when i was with connley than i was when i was with nathan. kelsey helped me consider breaking up with him. we got home, i ran downstairs and screamed into a pillow, we got online. kelsey talked to landon on the phone, together they convinced me to consider breaking up with nathan, and i started talking to him. He thinks he broke up with me, but I really did start it. I was being mean. me-do you even really like me anymore? (minutes go by, no answer) me-ok, sorry. ill take that as a no, sorry for bothering you. him-wait i still really really like you STILL A LOT i know it seems like im putting you off, im so busy all the time,but i still really likeyou ok, well i guess you arent there me-i guess i was busy. him-hmmm you're angry with me arent you? you can at least tell me if you are angry with me or not. me-im not sure what i am right now. him-so, what now then? me-what do you want? him-i dont want to upset you. me-don't worry about upsetting me. say what you mean and mean what you say. him-well, then, i think we should break up. me-ok. you deserve more than walls and moodswings. blah blah blah, on and on. i got landon's congrats. and kelsey's too. and then, later, when me and kelsey went up to my room to sleep, i saw the unfinshed blanket i was making for him, teh dead rose, and the bottle of florida sand, and cried myself to sleep realizing that it was over and me and him could possibly never be a couple again. i felt so torn (i still do) because i still cared about nathan, and i would cry my eyes out, and then the next second be beaming from ear to ear because of connley, and then crying again. i felt like a yoyo, and it was making me sick. and we missed courtney!! and she is coming this weekend. at least, she betta. haha. and i forgot to mention, landon called connley, he said he liked me, or something. saturday: we woke up in late morning, to find out that landon had called. she called him back and we found out that the guys were wanting us to go to the pointe with them. i have no swimsuit that fits, and i hadnt shaved my upper legs in months, and kelsey said she needed to shave to, and they wanted us there in like half an hour. so we were rushing madly all overthe place, she went home to do whatever to freshen up, i shaved and it took forever and ended up using up all the hot water, so then i had to take an ice cold shower. blah blah, wrote in my diary, kelsey's mom picked us up to take us to the pointe. traffic on manchester was hellish. her mom listens to the z, and tipsy was on, and she was like "what are they saying? tipsy??" and i was trying soo soo hard not to laugh. and we kinda got lost, but we found it. we saw them in the pool area, and then we ran in to get our swimsuits on. when we went out in the pool area they were gone, so wegot our clothes on over our swimsuits and went back to the dry area, where they were playing pool. connley wore a blue bandanna today instead of a hat. there were people in there playing air hockey, whihc was getting connley's temper going (an irish temper, like mine), because the noises ewre givin him a headache. i ewnt over and converted change, and on the way over, i got hit in the stomach by the air hockey puck. one of them said sorry, and i just looked at them like they were idiots and kept walking. so yeah, they started pissing me off too. so we went out to the playground at connley's request. i was stupid and i wore shorts and it was like 50 degrees and slightly raining. good job, becca. we went out because connley was about to explode onthem. i swang. alex chased the geeese. he's a funny kid. oh i forgot to mention: i have a theory the reason they got out is because connley had to wear a speedo and record reactions around him while he was swimming for drama. he said some kid came up to him and told him he was disgusting, lol. i got on the carosel, and just kept spinning. faster and faster, and now i use that as a metaphor. we went to eat. talked about that nights plans. it was decided they would all come over, they wanted more girls so it would be even, but no one was online when i got home. so, they all got picked up by landon's mom, and then me and kelsey sat and waited for my mom to come over, and waited, and waited. i had given landon directions in advance. she finally showed up, we called landon's cell phone, and they were like, yeah, does your street say no outlet? and i was like yeah. and they are like, yeah we are at your house, should we just knock? i was like, OMG. we are on manchester right now. and i started crakin up, so then they had to drive around all over the place to wait for us to get home. when we got home, the door was wide open, we thought they had gone in anyway, but they weren't in there. and thats all for now, im tired. gah. wow, long.