hmmm so yeah i havnt written in here forever (sorry kim) like u always say im just too busy looking at ppls myspaces lol jk why does thing say i dont have any friends?? has everyone left me? lol sooo im hoping to get a lot of gurlies together for a bday dinner for me! (yay so excited) at like cheesecake sometime in the beggining of november. thad be really cool. and i think for my bday i want a myspace lol eh id get obsessed and be on that all day. but its ok im not doing much else right now anyways. cept waiting for stupid test results and making huge and detailed plans about my birthday and halloween and newyears. none of which except my bday will be completely exciting. well id like them to be totally awesome but im thinking ill save all my excitement and energy for when i move and party my ass out here when i dont live at my parents house anymore and when im actually legal. lol thad be nice. i duno jus being out here and getting in trouble does not sound appealing to moi. so yeah i went back to the desert to visit my mom and take that stupid test last week and i saw sooo many people i havnt seen in forever which is cool. i need to get my permit ahhhhhhhh god im so behind i hate it. ok im doing that as soon as i go back so i better study for that test now. i hate studying for tests! yeah but my birthday... hehe i havnt been this excited for something in a while yay i cant stop saying yay. i dont get excited about stuff anymore. i wont say i get shot down but sometimes my ideas are kinda far fetched and not everyone likes to dream lol i.e.- everyone. i bought a halloween costume and im gona sell it. ill take cute pics in it first well i duno if i can find something worth while to wear it at ill keep it. too bad i cant be trusted drinking anymore. that was such a stupid night no tthat remember much. haha i can jus tell justins sitting at his computer waiting for my to be done typing this so he can read it. lol and if im wrong im gona be surprised. so kim started selling avon and mark and thats awesome. i think im gona sell mark. not as much stuff as the avon catalog but i doubt my mom would wana have shit under her name, thats kinda a touchy situation. lol one thing i am gona get under my name is a bank account with an atm card off of it at bank of california. im hoping they still do atm cards fer ppl under 18. im hoping praying and like begging! well im tired of typing so im outtie but yeah if anyone reads dinner at cheesecake on the third of november its a thursday yess bday time...... is shaniqua there? HELLLL NO!

so im watching frankenstine i love this movie soo halloween speaking of which im guessing mines gona suck. justin and ive been arguing over the dumbest thing tonight and he could never in a million years understand my perspective. sometimes i feel like im arguing with a parent. its frustrating. i hope i have a decent halloween weekend thad be nice since last years sucked and this year i spend like 60 bucks on a realy cute costume. but i prolly wont. pray for me . im really hoping i pass that stupid test im stressing over it like no other . and now since i guess im going back to the desert on thursday i should start studying for my permit test too. i wana get that outta the way. if i could pass that by the end of october thad be cool im gona study tommorow i just have to. i have a laundry list of things i have to do like wake up early cuz im on an awfull schedule. i hate waking up so late everyday. im bummed cuz justins gona be at school all tommorow not that were talking right now anyways. sigh well im off to plan my stay in the desert there so much i need to make plans for. wish me luck nighty

i wish life was easy i wish things wernt complicated i wish i was a millionaire i wish i was a brittish school girl and still 15 i wish i could start over i wish i could see the future i wish i could help

i absolutely hate it here in the desert its hot as hell and i always fuck up i dont know why i jus don think. but seeing as i have no where else to go im fucked i hate my life and i hate the desert i absolutely think my life is pointless im jus stressed out and feel like shit thats what the desert will do for ya. hmm why did i miss this? and my roofs being re done so i cant be home ah life sucks

uhg its like two in the morning and justins been working on his website all day. it looks dope as fuck though but since no ones writting in this thing anymore im gona take a break unless something dope comes up. im bummed sariannes in mexico i miss having a girlfriend to talk to and she left this morning. oh dear. i think i might make a myspace i mean why not? i wana find people i havnt talked to in forever. id ask justin to help me but i think hes kinda against the idea only cuz before i got all jealous and started to get anal about stuff and it started all this bullshit and all this time ive cared if he had one but only because he cared if i had one. i dont even think we were together back then. weird last august a year ago. our aniversarys on sept 2 mandis birthday lol wow a whole year. i better not fuck it up i like fucking things up on aniversarys. not this though i want it to stay i like it. ive always thought justin was sent to take my grandmas place. and to like help me grow up considering my parents kinda lack in that department. its not theyre faults though i mean theyre not awful parents jus preoccupied. i think thats the best excuse ive ever come up with theyre jus preoccupied. perfect im contempt with that excuse, are you? **looks around the table, sees only nods in approval** good. i want this dog to go home now he pisses and shits everywhere and i take him out and he still does but hes old to and he whines but before it was worse hed whine in the middle of the night and it was jus awful. but its better now im tired kids so for now i bid u adue night night always mssmizzle

i am.... unhappy sad upset lonely tired confused disoriented longing pmsing anxious angry antisocial bitchy nervous naked betrayed dazed bitter screwed scattered isolated jealous jaded fucked

ok its like midnight and i have cramps and a headache and i dont want to be in the desert nonetheless at justins parents house. im sorry but i wanted to go home and sleep in my own bed its ok though because ill get to do it tommorow night. and at least im getting my nails done and lunch wit my mom tommorow which should be nice god that woman gets on my last nerve sometimes i swear but its ok shes my mom and i cant ever change it so might as well get over it now cuz if i dont ill have a long time to stir over it. moving on, so i argue with my boyfriend when im drunk and were ass holes to eachother when someone is with us 24 7 for like four days when were used to being alone im sorry but i tend to get a lil bitchy when im not by myself sometimes espcailly when im about to start my dot im really bitchy so i argue and its mistaken as being in a bad relationship. ya know if i seriuosly thought i was in a bad relationship i think id help myself out and at least take some time away from them rather then be stuck outta town with them 247 its not like i dont know what im getting myself into by going back outta town with him. it really shouldnt be that big of deal i mean ok if i was literally geting beat to a pulp every damn day then ya kno i think id think about leaving but i was drunk and being argumentative. and having people er person tell me that i should reconsider the relationship is kinda like ok well ya know its my relationship. i dont think theres a time in any relatipnship rather it be the perfect little house on the prarie relationship or fucking beyonce and jay z im not gona get out of a relaionship im not ready to get out of. ill be soo bummed and jus want that back even more and then put myself back into another unhealthy relationship thats why women are in unhealthy relationships is beacause ppl force them to leave and then theyre forever yearning that missing peice that they feel they were stripped of and so having something so precious taken away you your going to want to replace it with a duplicate. there fore another unhyealthy relationship. to be mentaly and physically sane after the beakup you have to decide you need to get away on ur own. ur not gona do anything you dont want to . no one will you wouldnt want to if u were told to if anything youd want to rebel and do the oppesite whether it was conciously or not but im not about let someone else dictate over my life and tell me how shitty my relatinship is. we argue because were in love and pissed that the other would be so retarded. whatever i mean its my life and if i really get fucked in the end which i highly doubt i will ill take it back and say they were right but that doent mean that my next relationship wont be unhealthy. we shall see what the outcome is and wether or not my theory is right.

ok so i jus finished helping babe with his test study guide thing pain in my ass hope i got everything on there... no im sure i did he doesnt have a book so i have to look shit up and then have to make sure its for biological anthropology i dont care tho i like shit like that. my dad should be coming back from canada next weekend some times. hes been gone forever. this whole years been flying by i cant beleive its already fourth of july this weekend wooo whoo! timeto drink and sit in hottubs lol yay i need a car... and a liscense lol oh wel ill get there wether its before 18 or not i need my liscense i should prolly look into that relaitvely soon doncha love how i cant spell? one of my favorite characteristics... yeah summer school was alright kinda shoddy buncha little kids that jus pissed me off lol im over it... im glad to be back home in my bed with my baby being able to wake up at two in the afternoon if i want well were gona go to class and then to see war of the worlds so i love ya big kiss ttul xoxoxoxooox

whore for attention i need it to breath all eyes on me please i want your attention but sorry to say that i don't want you i just think i do not the one for me please take a seat next in line be descreet you're only here for one reason don't pretend to care i don't want to get attached i know why you're here wish i could say i wrote this...

so im going back today well technically tonight i was supposed to go back sunday but im glad i didnt it was nice to spend a couple more days with my baby we went min golfing yesterday. it was a lot more fun when your little its like i was trying to remake something i cant kinda sucked when reality set in as i walked thru a hot park that smelt like little kids and rude attendants and i realized im not little anymore. im at that awkward age where im too old for everything i used to like and too young too do everything i want to do. its like oh well im stuck in the middle. ya know that song clowns to the left of me jokers to the right here i am stuck in the middle with you. it was funny i wasnt bummed about it tho its kinda made me wake up a little bit and realize im growing up really fast and before i didnt want to be the little kid i was and now i do. odd how things work out sometimes. ive spent so long pretending im older and i was finally at the point where i was like i wana be 11 again. its not necessarliy a guilty feeling when i watch cartoons but im scared someones gona walk in the room and be like arnt you too old for nickelodeon lol i dont give a fuck im always down for rugrats. lol yeah oh ok even better im sitting on the bed chillin playing sorry online lol im a geek and Ashlee* (name changed to keep the guilty innocent) ims me and apologizes for tearing my top down like five years ago in front of her brother who once was infatuated with me and now jus thinks im hot which is kinda weird cuz hes never anyone id even look at twice... anyways so after that weird confrontation she tells me to come to church with her. jesus fucking christ i havnt been to church in soo long like forever and if i did go id go with my grandma which im starting to heal i think that last entry helped along with comments anyways shes like u should go and i say no itll be too hard no fucking way i hate church id rather convert to judism before i go back to church and it really does bring back memories ya know? so i tell her its too hard and shes like whats too hard . once again jesus fucking christ , should i spell it out? and so i explain my grandma died on christmas and i used to go to church with her so im not down for the holy conception. no response and she jus signs off line i mean shes awesome and i think its sad she was thinking about something that happened when were like 11 and to fret over it for years im not like that so i feel bad when people are i mean if i did something i cant fix it why worry about it its over move on with ur life its cool she apologized very cool lol but i mean if being christian is remembering all your sins and hanging onto them with guilt for more then a month, why would i wana be going along with that?

"Too Much To Ask" Its the first time I ever felt this lonely I wish someone could cure this pain Its funny when you think its gonna work out Til you chose weed over me, you're so lame I thought you were cool until the point But up until the point you didnt call me When you said you would I finally figured out youre all the same Always coming up with some kind of story Everytime I try to make you smile You're always feeling sorry for yourself Everytime I try to make you laugh You can't Youre too tough You think you're loveless Is that too much that I'm asking for? I thought you'd come around when I ignored you So I thought you'd have the decency to change But babe, I guess you didn't take that warning 'Cause I'm not about to look at your face again Can't you see that you lie to yourself You can't see the world through a mirror It wont be too late when the smoke clears 'Cause I, I am still here But everytime I try to make you smile You'd always grow up feeling sorry for yourself Everytime I try to make you laugh You stand like a stone Alone in your zone Is it too much that I'm asking for? this is my life in a nutshell i duno not necessicarliy word for word phrase for phrase but im jus upset. and ya kno what? i like wallowing in my own pain. lol i duno it gives me some sense of like "ok wel u suck and everyone else agrees" i duno i feel sorry for myself and i do it to myself. i listen to sad music. i make myself a victim i do it to myself. im so confused about my self and like who i am its like rite there almost in my hand. but i just cant see it. argh i dont get im frustrated. im the person shes talking about it. why do i complicate things? but am i not allowed to have any self pity? isnt that a normal human reaction? to make themselves even worse then they do? maybe deep down im a bad person cuz i hate myself. why do i look bad at times when im alone and jus be like hmmm i duno not because i was with anyone but there was some sense of clarity. i dont get anything im soooooo confused and i cant fix it at all no matter what i do. what can i do? i always fuck shit up too why can i not argue with my mom? why do i mis grahm kracker like theres no tommorow i dream about her all the time its like ok i miss you jus come back. i wana just sleep in case i dream about her but it only happens when i dont pray for dreams about her. i hate it i wana be prepared and know what to talk to her about, she tells me about heaven kinda she tells me i have to find out but shes happy, we were on my bed talking in my room three years ago when i was in eigth grade when the world was easy. i wana be 11 again and have no problems and have her there. and jus be in my room. i dont want anything else jus that to be alone in my room with katie next door with no parties or anything else to worry about i dont wana grow up i wana be in like 8th grade forever when life was easy damnit damnit damnit why couldnt i realize this back then and be like cherish these moments? why wasnt i home more when she was sick? why wasnt i there when she died? i want her back but i cant do anything im powerless i cant fix this part of my life i hate hate hate myself for not being there i shouldnt have left i saw her on christmas i got her gifts back like four day later and returned them cuz i couldnt handle seeing that stupid passion vhs she had vhs only person in the world. why do i still cry about this? do you ever get over losing someone? i dont know i wana be old and i duno what i want i dont know what to look forward to either i need answers i wana be little fuck thats all i want i wana be my parents little kid again. but im not and im never gona be again. i want my grahm kracker why all of the fucking ppl she wasnt supposed to die for soo long she should have seen me graduate she should have seen me get married why me. why her why not anyone else.

ok so apartment livings gay when the whore from next doors patio is below our room and its two in the morning and im trying to get laid and shes out theyre talking with her friends... kinda a catch 22 cuz i wana be loud sometimes too but im trying to get some but distraction keeps gettin in the way damnit stupid whores ps isnt the puppy cute? i want her

its really odd and funny at the same time to sit down for a second and look back on your life and think about where people have gone and how theyve dissapeared out of your life. its funny when you hear a song that reminds you of that person and only at that time when your alone, listening to it on your computer completely concetrated, it reminds you of them and not before. i miss the person it reminds me of. and the person i was when i knew her. if i could explain exactly how i felt about that situation, id sound as tho im bitter and im really not. but i guess in a way i am. if she would have never moved and just stayed, my life would be so different, in a way that probably went for the worse in my case but a lot better for her. she didnt have to grow up in this cut throat shit hole of a town. and it makes me think what if justin left? or my dad? would i be broken and left to tend for myself? would i recover or fuck up and make mistakes i wouldnt have made if they were around. half the time i know they wont leave but theres a part of me that make me think its a very real possibilty. not one that id want but one that mite happen and id have no control over it. i ahte when i dont have control over situation i wish there was some way to explain how some music makes me feel. same with smells. i walked into my house and was on the verge of tears. my parents had turned on the ac and it jus reminds me of last summer and al the smells and the way the light shines on my house. but now if it was christmas already and i smelt and heater smell and the smell of our fake tree, i dont think id get excited more upset. i had an awesome christmas because i was justin but my grandma wasnt here. and i wasnt here when she died. she left with out me being here or being able to say goodbye. and ill never get to talk to her again. death is somthing you seem to take lightly untill it happens in your own little circle. but in reality death is all around us. my parents are almost 60 and 75. thats not very long from when theyre going to die but its close enough for someone to see. what will my mom do when my dad dies. ill still be young and i have a feeling my mom will live down the street from my house with my husband and my kids. id rahter have my kids have a grandma closer then further away and theres no way that i could let my mom grow old with out living close to her i want her to move out to newport with me whenever i leave. well actually not that we dont have enough money to send me to the art institute im jus bummed out about cooking. forty thousand dollars to go to school i could buy a brand new car. and even with all the grants and shit like that it would still be like 25 thousand dollars. a pimped out honda. thats a lot of money adn it pisses me off that only rich kids who could live off theyre parents money a prolly wont even go on to work in the field can afford it. its just disturbing. grrrrrr

i close my eyes i see you face your cute stubble your smirk when i cry why do we fight why am i dumb why cant i keep my mouth shut still tho u love me even tho im retarded youve given me so many chances so many times theyve slipped my mind you consume with your conversations your so smart it makes me proud i wana be the senators wife in that glamorous life with the lights still why am i so jealous of you? the one person i love more then anything youve got everything but so do i so why do i feel like your better off? because you can control your emotions your not some stupid girl who acts with out thinking why are you so lucky to think before you speak i feel as though ive bruised you though youll never know... cuz ive lied but you forgave me how can you love me still? ive never been so happy to see a picture of you and me like no one cant take the dream away youve changed me and i love it i could never jus walk away as i threaten to do im in love and im scared your so confident though as if nothing could break you i wish i was you and i close my eyes

rite now im crying but im not sure exactly why. today sarianne and justin got in some huge cat fight because theyre both bitchy and started fucking yelling at each other... retarded and like in the middle of it. its liek ok well great my bf and my best friend hate eachother. and sari was supposed to go to summer school with me and i have to go by myself and im really scared of going alone. i wont know anyone and what if the kids are mean to me. im gona be a loner. sitting in the back of this cooking clas at a school i cant even prolly afford to attend. im jus so confused i dont know what i want. i love justin but he jus makes me upset and i miss him like crazy, but i can jus tell he wants to go out and be a partying college kid and its jus so like gut wrenching to see my summer start off so shitty so early on. it sucks. and like what am i doing wiht my life? i mean friendship wise i have no friends. wow today i hung out with nellie for the first time in forever and it was awesome. i miss her i miss being normal being home for longer then a week. but i wana be with justin i jus cant stop crying. i dont even know whats wrong. i dont know what i miss... going to high school i miss the social thing, i miss having two ppl i talk to. and other ppl on my buddy list who i dont even talk to anymore. ive jus fucked up so much and i dont know why im unhappy. i jus feel so disoriented but im sure in a year i can get all my shit settled by the time i go to college but im jus getting this feeling justins gona break up with me. i dont know why but weve argued so many times today. and im jus frustrated and im sitting here listening to sad music which doesnt help sitting alone at home and my 23 year old boyfriend is at some bar prolly getting hit on. wow some perfect life.

Ok first entry took me friggin forever to get this thing to be black and it still doesnt even look that good. im so bummed i was supposed to go see a movie but that didnt exactly work out. this desert is jus such a downing place i jus wana sit inside (away from the heat) and dream about being at the beach. can anyone tell me why im not there? i dont have an answer for that one either... i wana go back to my 2nd home. but id miss my rents and sari but seeing justins deffintaly worth it. i duno what it is about this towm but theres def something in the air. ppl are so different down here then up in newport. odd but kinda funny to sit back and take everything in and look at this town from a different perspective. i love doing that from people. its really hard to get to a point where u can do that. its hard... i mean its jus such a task to pull urself out of a slum of shitty people, but when you do its fucking awesome to look back and be like wow i cant believe i did that shit... dont get me wrong i dont REGRET it i dont regret anything cept guys...but ya know you do what u gotta do...