now i am lost in my head. running around the labyrinth that is my brain. and the more i try to run from the razorblade butterflies that have occupied my body. the deeper i delve into thought, and the more stronger they become. I have seen alex twice in the last week. 2 days in a row. what a mistake. i first saw him for 3 hours at beverly,we met there at midnight it brought all my inadequacy back into me. every thought of me never being able to live up to alex. My head filled with the fact that Alex and Stacy where always better than Kevin and Stacy. i can't say it refilled my brain, some thoughts never left. but that is all he talks about, we joke, we say this and that, but all he has to say is the past. he is nothing but the past. his introduction of me to his friends is always the same, this is the bastard, haha: what a sad life. the second time we hung out was the day after it was me, and him in the afternoon, then later on murphy. it was amusing. as the day went by the more pathetic he got. he is not a victim, he is simply the creation of his own lazyness. and as time past that day, and he tried to create an image of thier everlasting love and how they had so much between them. it had the opposite effect he wished. i loved her more everymoment. and by the days end, as he had lied to me again, and again, and again the concept of him being better than i had vanished. as i watched alex and murphy make out on my couch, i put on my headphones, and started to draw, i fooled them of course. they asked i showed them an old picture. i drew freedom, i drew perfection. i drew stacy and i together, in the pose that signify's us (to me anyway)...i laughed for murphy. and i laughed at alex. like a dog. he latched on so quickly. after that day. calling me everyday, trying to recindle the old relationship. he called murphy everyday, until she blew up at him. he is clinging on now. he is the wanting. and i am not. that is a freindship that will die. for i do not hate him. i loath him. i loath what he stands for. who he is. what he was. i loath the fear i still have of him; of her ever going back to him. for i am not as deluded as he is. and if there ever is a time where they are together again, i pray for her soul. i pray for her happyness. but he is nothing but a weak, delerious boy. if he was an animal, i would have freed it from its misery long ago...i want to leave this all behind. but as of right now, i am lonely. so very lonely. i am awake with the energy of a thousand suns, and withnothing to do my mind will continue to create these razorblade butterflies using every bit of energy it can find. and today, it is getting harder and harder to appreciate the pain. but i will remember love. i still love her. i love her so much...as she is now laying in her bed...i will lay in mine. and i hope she calls me tommorow. i want to see her again. i want to take her out. i want to love her.i want to just spend time with her but perhaps, it will not happen. perhaps she will only see me on sunday, on a sad occasion...and this era of without her, will begin without doubt. i love her. i love her. i love her. i love her. i love her. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you, no matter how many times i say it, i will continue to live without a response. i miss her so much. live life right?... life life one day she may have forgotten all about me, on that day, dear god apollo, when she looks up at the stars, i am burning star IV. let her see me and remember me. drag my star into her memories, and let it burn bright. let her remember how i loved her, and then release her to true happyness, who ever with. later.

since the moment i woke up today, they have been there. They have been fluttering around with out purpose, or even an incling of getting tired. all tries to kill thme has had no effect. Thier wings cut into my thoughts and leave my already mangled inards in a bastard knot. These razorblade butterlies that have been inside me all day are the birth of lonelyness, and even more, the thought of stacy being so close to me now. and yet so far away. as chliche as that sounds. it is so true. with her home for the next three days and not 3 hours away, the want is becoming stronger. and this night, tonight, right now, lonelyness: has never had more power. i wait i hope. and these butterflies just breed of it. they grow in strength. making me think of her, wanting her even more. they are cutting until they find tears. my mind twisted today. i sit in a room with no lights, candles burning, and gypse music erupting with its strong guitar. my hands want to rip through my skin. so pathetic i feel now. so weak. for a time, this setting took me away, i read, i drew, but no avail, they never left, i layed in bed watching the flickering shadows as the candles burn themselves out. taking my mind into fantasy, into places filled with magic and creaturse, and lands: but it did nothing, it always brought me back to these razorblade butterflies. because even my imagination, the most beautiful places i imagine, i want to share with her.... there is a heavy disappointment running rampant with these beasts. i hoped for something. i always hope...

we finaly talked. and here i am. can't sleep. been crying for the last hour, cant stop. won't stop. dont want to stop. im gonna going to cry myself to sleep. with her ring on. and wake up crying too. one day. i will find forever with her. one day. love, i love you stacy. forever. good bye baby

so today, i got home from class and put out all her things again. put on her ring. gave her time. patience, patience o god reward patience. im going to ride this plane out of your life again. i wish that i could've stayed but you argued more than this i wish you could've seen my face in the backseat staring out the window ill do anything for you kill anyone for you so leave yourself intact casue i will be coming back in a phrase to cut these lips i love you the morning will come in the press of every kiss with your head upon my chest where i will annoy you with every waking breath till you decide to wake up i earned through hope and faith the curves around your face that im the one youll hold forever if the morning never comes for either of us then this i pray to you wherever ill do anything for you this story is for you cause i'd do anything you want me to. for you

i look back at old entries like i always do when im in trouble. and maybe, i dont know anything. these days suck. to be honest, waking up sucks. waking up is like a tease. for a second i forget everything.then open my eyes and start to remember reality. then sleep is all i want again. blah. well we got the bathroom painted. the appraser should be in today. and we are selling it underpriced to one of those emergency realitor companies. so we loose more money, and become more in debt. its the only way though. this home has turned into a house, and this house into someone elses nnext purchase. soon i will vanish from all the old things. everyones going to come back come the holidays and i will simply be gone. new cell phone number come 2 weeks, and then no more house. its perfect. one day someone will be like hey, whatever happened to kevin, and someone will say, who knows. then they will say off rediculious things like, i think he did that or this, or perhaps simply say, why shoudl we care. either way. itll be funny. my heart is telling stacy will call soon, tell me she misses me and wants me back. But my head tells me otherwise. Its funny. for heather it took me 10 minutes to gather everything and put it in half a shoe box. for stacy it takes 4 hours 3 big boxes, a room so empty it makes me sick and im still not done yet. i just want to keep it all out keep it all so i can see. i havn't decided whats worse, waking up seeing pictures and details that remind me of her, or a room so barren that it reminds me of her aswell. in the end it really dosnt matter, i think of her every moment anyway. but its not my choice now. in the end, its all karma. for her the story started 3 months ago, badly. for me, it started over 4 years ago. whatever is going on with her, its all on her. i dont wnat to pack anything away, not a thing. but for some reason if im in my rooom, thats all i can do. i love her. anyway, now theres really only one thing to do. get the hell out of here. theres one thing i hate. pitty. breanna called me cause stacie sayed i dont hang with noone, it was a great idea and all, and i need to thank her. ts just, i dont want pitty freinds. im letting people call me. and thats that. we'll see. i have 4 days off, thur to sun in a weak and a half, and since those plans arnt going to happen. i think im gonna visit chris in indiana. unless something different comes along that is. but other than that, deffnintly gonna visit chris. yeah. or go camping. chris or camping alone. yeah. something. disenchanted is the best word i'v found out of that damn list. it fits. later dayz.

Chris Crittenden Without You if my heart shatters like twists of angels tumbled into dice, gin dissolving the last of their wings, you are gone from the metropolis of my blood, the achy fountains, the soft esplanades, the bridges heaving over storms. without you, the stars waddle like geese on ebony grass, dumb white-patched heads drifting where you once thrilled the linger of summer. the weepy flesh of guitars does not shudder like you— you are the sound music craves but will never be. i am jagged without you, stairs lacking rhythm, sine waves flung off cliffs into petunias of foam, into silent black bellies, fish that clutch lightning and drown— far from slender candles seen though wineglasses, their incautious pulse

alright, so this sucks. actually, it ROYALY sucks. im so broke, i can't afford food. can't afford gas. My father is even more broke, actually broke is not the word, IN DEBT is. between the two of us, we can't even fill the refrigorator. with ANYTHING.... aaaah!!! all i have to say at the moment.

so today was the final day of the move, my moms keys to the house are now on the kitchen counter, there are no more toys in my brothers room just carpet. The house is an empty shell of what it used to be. Most of the furniture is now gone. And it is now almost two am, and all that is in this house is the empty echoes of what used to be. today was a long day, woke up, showered, got chris, came back to the house, and we helped my mom move all the heavy thing into the flat for her and my brother. Chris and i then explored the surrounding area, royal oak. where we dropped in on an old friend coz who works there. its been like 2 years since i last saw him so that was cool. then chris and i went to this party we were invited to by robin. that was fun. chris got drunk. i watched. it was fun to be the youngest (besides chris). and now here i am. i didnt notice how empty this house was until just now. my dad is gone, because he works during the night, or whatever he does, i couldn't tell you, i dont know if its work or just fucking around. during the day all he does is sleep though...so i never see him anymore anyway. i don't know. yesterday night, i took apart my brothers bunk bed. it was late at night, and it just hit me. this hole situation, everything, so i burried myself into my ipod and held back the tears as my now manic father runs around dealing with watching his family move out, and my mother fights back breaking down completely while my father spits words and selfishness under his breath to my mother and then back and forth between them. as i took apart the bed slowly, it all just, i don't know. every bolt and skrew i undid just reminded me of how my dad and i put it all together just a few months ago in august, how my mom and dad where cuddling on the bed and my brother ontop and every one laughing and enjoying the new bed. i havn't cried about it..i havn't really anything about it. i'v been doing everything in my power to not think about it, and now im sitting in this empty house fighting back the tears that are already making my vision blurry. At least no one can disrupt me here. but i must remember, i'm not the victim here, i can't let my parents know that it's tough, its not nearly as hard for me as it is for them. right? its strange. im so happy for my mom, i havn't seen her smile i did today in so long, i havnt seen her unwinded, she just seemed so young today. so vibrant. it was so nice to see. her surrounded by her freinds. she was happier than i had seen her in ages. my dad on the other hand, i havn't seen him this unstable ever. he was always strong, now he's just...while i was taking the apart the bed, i just wanted to tell my dad i love him. and for some reason saying that in my head makes tears run down my face. i dont think everything gonna be fine. so now i have the house, and the flat. no more home. tommorow ill pack up a bag that i will just keep with me always. things i need you know. this house is not my home, niether is my moms flat. so starting today, im homeless. roof over my head, but no home. my dad already asked me if i could stay at my moms a week in april, he has a bunch of his freinds coming in and he would like me to stay at my moms. probably something to do with the condoms all over the basement. and since my mom and him havn't even shared a room in over a year i here, make your own assumptions (as well as the random pic's of women on his digital camera and photo's on the floor). im not the victim, they are. later

so the day was a good day, but now im depressed, and i don't know why. ok thats a lie, i do but i dont want to admit it. the day was actualy pretty good, woke up went to kanar with chris, stacie, and stacy (right there dammit, right there) and everything was fine, i saw her before everything was fine i hung out with her the night before everything was fine and then now all of a sudden im depressed. its happening again. i just want this to stop. i dont want her to mean so much to me. i HATE It... Can anyone understand that. she has a new man, i'v had my new girl in between and i thought i was moving on, but apprantley, 4 months is not long enough to not talk, so ok then, maybe i need more time. leaving Kanar (which was a blast) me going home to babysit and the girls going to an afterparty just left me mad for some reason, and now im all depressed..fuckin eh. I can't make up my mind either, if it is the fact that stacy and stacie are taking more part in something i introduced them into, or the fact that its just her......... All of a sudden, i dont want to go to western, i dotn want to see everyone therre, i dont want stacie, stacy, chris, murphy, charliote, jon, chris m, and possibly other people aswell constantly with me... With my parents sepreating and my mom and lil bro moving out, and this and that, i dont know. i dont like myself right now. i dont like how weak i feel, how weak i am. i just...i just want life to flatline for a minute you know. i dont want anyone, i want to be alone. completely alone. and when im alone, i dont want to WANT anyone by my side. just once...i want to be happy on my own....

alright, classes started today, and they all bombed. one of my classes was the wrong one, and the other was a different time because apparently im one of three people who can get up before ten to go to class. so i can't take either, and guess what. now i've been royallllly skrewed....sigh alright. on the other hand... no thats pretty much it.

so i completely forgot about the new year, i know its now the seventh, but hey im preoccupied lol. ok. so this last year, LETS NOT TO IT AGAIN. pretty much that simple. there were ups downs, more ups, more downs. summer was great, before that, not so much, after, not so much. all in all. it was a year i will remember as the year i made the most mistakes. time to correct them. alright, for this new year this is my goal, wont call it a resolution becuase no one does those, and calling it a resolution is a simple doomfull piece of crap. 1. STAY SINGLE FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE (meaning don't fall in love, do not, under any cercumstance fall in love you stupid piece of crap) 2. GET INTO THE SHAPE I WANT 3. ORGINIZE AND PRIORITIZE 4. GO TO COLLEGE 5. (and again) DONT FALL IN LOVE...you dont have the time

AHHH!!! i feel good. what an understatement. i feel uncontrolable, i want to scream at the top of my lungs, I want to run, run through the cold snow with bare feet. i want to roar, howl even. i feel as though my blood is on fire, running through me igniting everything. so restless. i want to run.... i can't explain it, i feel so alive, heavy, powerful. i just feel... no reason really, been a pretty lame day actually, woke up really late, had to ruch to work, got yelled at at work, got off at around 11 then went to charlottes, watched the end of diehard and went home. and here i am, running burning for this next day to come. ARRRHHH!!! hahahaha, i feel good now, powerful, frightning even. i feel.... things are really going down hill ontop of everything, melissa and i are pretty much done with, she's going off to state, mom and dad are seperating, she's looking for an apartment, i don't know where i am going to live in a couple months, let alone weeks, all my freinds are leaving, i may loose my job very soon, and i am finaly going to be able to tackle my self. and yet, i feel so powerful right now, all this, all this...is nothing. on my own, there is no one to tear me down, or distract my vision, i am an arrow with no wind, i am perfect. i remember i am alive.... later

so i woke up this morning, after going to see rent with lauren (i cried, i laughed, you know) and i woke up this morning feeling good. just, hey, its the holidays, theres are going nuts and not much of anything is really happening. There is this intresting thing happening, the anxiety for everyone to leave really. most poeple arn't even home yet and im already excited what i am going to do when they leave. As i take steps away from everybody im hoping everyone will become happy for once. no more bitching dammit. lol. i feel good today can't explain it, but i felt as though i should write. i feel like drawing. i feel like picking up my guitar. This new year will mark the beginning of my personal transformation into what i want to be. and without anyone there to distract me, i will have no excuse to fail. we shall see who is pushing you then kevin. you will be in it for yourself. lets see if you can muster up some drive. anyway, gonna go shower, see melissa and go to work. but i woke up this morning, and im just more at peace. i hope everyone, is having a happy holiday and enjoying themselves. i wish everyone for the best. i hope everyone gets what they need, finds the love they've needed, finds themselves and can finaly be happy. i know this year has been a crazy one that has had more ups and downs than ceder point. but this is life. everyone continue to live well. the past is the past, it can't always be forgotten, but it can be overcome. the past were are decisions then, we ment it, we did it, and now we will live with it. we always are trying to do whats best, as humans, we are just prone to fuck up a lot. a Hole lot. also, dont be to quick to mix in the past either, remember, things left behind where left behind for a reason, even if you can't remember the reason now.

these last two days have been amazing, last night melissa and i spent the night together again. And it was amazing. I really dont want to see her go in january...i really dont. it feels like years have passed since the summer, that this life is so rediculiously different, that everything has turned upside down, from family, to love, to where i put myself in the world, to where i want to be, to everything. and this gives me butterflies, razorblade ones, and i hate it. i feel the antisipation to be alone. like what will happen. in a year i want to go to western, so im going to start applying as soon as possible. i might room with chris spencor, or john Kardin, either one would be intresting....of all the poeple, nick got really excited. Stacie's boyfriend, lol. i think he's excited about another person to hang with besides andrew. lol so i bought the rascal flats cd today, its awesome. it brings back thoughts of the fair, the road. i want to be on the road again, the road to fair, and kanar. with blue skies, good weather, laughter. But i can't imagine myself there without the stacie's, but you know what, thats what i will plan. chris will want to go, but one time, i will go on my own. i want to be in kanar, i know its escapism, i know larping (live action role play) is the most geeky thing on earth, but ts so much fun, and its freedom. its acres of fantasy and freedom. thats what it feels like, freedom. i dont know what will happen from day to day, but at the same time i feel as though every day is the same. so bipolar. later.

well today is my birthday, whipee....(sarcasm) it was cool and all you know. the morning was great, spent my bday money on registering my car, that money lasted a hole 2 hours, got it at 7 was gone at 9..haha. after that melissa took me to breakfast and bought me a book, i also boughrt myself a bigger journal/sketch book thing for the spell book needed in kanar. (i miss that place, i was so rediculiously happy there) went to biggies, we talked about kanar, and just chilled, laughed, lol...chris. thats a freind. then went to work at 1:30 worked, worked some more, got off 10, and here i am. can't go out cause i have work at 7 am, then there really isnt anyone to go out with is there....(haha, end of december marks the end of the companions i do have) yeah, chris is leaving at the end of december to return to perdue, melissa is going to state, and i have seperated myself from all others with such vigor that i have no intrest in seeing them. but at least the ones i like come home for holiday break right....(things will get intresting) I spent a lot of the day thinking about where i was 3 months ago, 6 months ago a year ago...2 years so on you know. can't believe so much is different. can't believe i'm in this state. i think im going to go to western so i can do ROTC and criminal justice, do my years as an officer, and be happy....but then again, its western, don't want to deal with certain elements at western. but half a year as it seems has a way of turning the world inside out.....what evils await. today was over all a good day you know, but i wish i could have done more besides work...i can't wait to pick up my guitar, i dont know what i will call her yet, ill think of something. Life is funny. part of what is bothering me i guess is so childish, there were two people who called about my birthday this year, or said anything other than my parents who i didnt mention it too first. and that was chris and melissa. last year, so many more, a year before that countless. ha. i'v done it to myself. so yeah, its my birthday. happy birthday kevin. you loser. happy birthday. (i really need to cheer up, i mean it wasnt really as bad as i made it sound, but this place just brings out a place of complete "hey write what hurts" sort of thing) what i like about this hole thing is that, unless you read this, you'd never know i felt this way, not from the way i acted.

Did u ever have a moment where your thoughts seem to vibrate through your head without end. Each thought bouncing off the inside of your skull just to remind you its still there. Like a tree exploding with life, filling your body with roots trying to escape. Anymoment it feels as though my thoughts will tear through my flesh and carry me away on ravaged wings of thought and imagination. and there seems to be no rest from them. it seems as though my body is giving in aswell. My throught is overpowered by liquid, each breath another burden bringing about just another break in the coat of liguid that is slowly drowing out clearity into an ominiouse weez. My neck stiffens, and my eyes way heavily inside my head, pulling me down. Sleep calls my name, but i must denie it the pleasure.

Tearing at my skin again, living as a hypocrit is that of a torment. This day leaves me in a almost trance like state, no trance is to vague, i feel burned-out, like the wick of a candle, burning for six days longer than intended. the wax that burns off is dripping down feeding me again, the things that torment and feed the flames of the past continue and there are days i can forget, but now, with this empty house, a bad day at work, and stacy calling me the asshole, and fury running rampant inside my skull as if my brain itself was smaching against my head in an attempt to free itself...stupid bitch. She is lost in her selfpity, but perhaps so am i. hypocritical melissa is great, but i can't see a relationship or a future, so what do i do, i should be strong and say hey, lets go our seperate ways. but no, im weak. hypocritical i need to change myself, and i will. this stand off with stacy will end, i will become the person i was before, im just starting to deal with the abortion thing, and i need to do it alone. i REALLY need to do it alone...

So things are moving along. Work is becoming more and more annoying with the holidays, it seems that everyone is flipping out over simple things, and the leadership in the store has a stick up thier ass. Im so glad my supervisor is the only one in the store with some sence. So holloween came and went, that was quick, can't say much. got dressed up for work, came home afterwards and played video games. not much eh. Anyway. Last night i hung out with some people from work, gary, and sam. Sams just a fun person to be around, and gary is an older me. ha. sorta, not really. he introduced me to Kanar, which is a LARP (live action role playing) and im intrested cause its pretty much a renfair where u run around in the woods for three days and beat the shit out of eachother and act like your in a world filled with magic....now thats escapism if i ever herd it. it'll be a blast. And it'll let my inner geek run free...anyway, we went to ramshorn at just talked. ended up talking about sexual adventures and best buy and all that jazz...it was fun. i liked having conversation with new people...i liked it a lot. I mean, to be honest, the only people i converse with are Chris, and i'v been avoiding seeing melissa more than once a week because i dont want things to get complicated, more importantly, i dont want her as more as a freind. And i was quickly reminded by chris that i have not had a close female freind that did not involve an attraction...wait just thought of one, ha, Angelica. nevermind im in the clear. HAHAHA, suck on that chris. i wish things where as easy everyday as they seemed last time i wrote. havn't really talked to stacy in almost 2 weeks now, and...i dont know. i miss her. dammit all. as angry as i am, i still miss her. fuck. I mean honestly, she probably isnt even thinking of me, probably is mad at me for something and dosn't even realize she has hurt me in anyway...probably completely self obsorbed in yourself, god i miss that girl. blah. Im scared at the fact that in a few weeks (i believe 3) my birthday pops up, and thier college break shows up. meaning she'll be back in town. im afraid of being able to say no to her...or then again, im also afraid that she wont call at all...i mean its sick really ANYWAY!!! i do have to admit, that perhaps i have been going about things the wrong way. For years now i have been trying to figure myself out, and to do that i believed that i needed to be alone, well apparently that shit hasnt worked. i just need to have fun and see where things take me. my god, this is all to serious. lets just see what happens. later.

alright. so things happened. stacy came home, felt used, had sex, felt used. took her and chris to western, felt more used stayed two days, felt like a tool and then left. haha. my body decided to die while she was here and i was there. a fever, broncitus, u know, the usual. do mind this was a week ago now. charlotte hosted me for a night there, that was cool. left western with a bitter taste in my mouth, chris stayed up there till friday... the drive back was a sort of tripped out surge of anger, self rethinking, inner termoil, and eventual calm. we havnt talked in a little over a week. and i want it this way. let her live her life, we'll see what happens. haha. also found out she slept with evan, from evan of course. more lies from her. fun isnt it. so sad, so pathetic, she lies now about things she dosnt need to lie about. to bad, i am gone now. she wont have me back again. so 332 miles later, here i am back at home, and a lot more at peace. been having fun with melissa. dont think anything relationship wise is going to happen though. not now. dont want one. niether does she. but for the both of us its a fix of not being lonely and some mutual enjoyment of skin. she's awesome though. we will see what happens. but right now, i just need to be alone. still have no idea what i want to do with myself. trying to decide. thinking cop maybe. i dont know. what i want to do is save up money and fly to hawai and join a commune. haha. living of the land. and just seeing what happens when a person really puts aside this social system and leaves. one day i will see. so man your battlestations, there is a storm front coming, a type of storm not natural. almost demonic. it has aim. it has fury. and i am waiting, sword to the sky. for lighting to strike.... haha. im feeling ok, not content, but a lot bettter. later

these last seven days have been a swirl of delusion, escapism, fun, sadness, happyness, lonelyness, excitement, and complete randomosity. things are getting back to normal... Well Biggie is back in town, and because of a psychiatric evalutaion has decided to stay at home to battle off a growing and overpowering bit of suicidal depression he will be staying until his next semester at purdue begins. and so hilariousy always continues with the two of us. after seeing "waiting" we have adopted the "the naked ball sack game" to our own. man thats gross. anyway, you'll only understand if you've see the movie. I'v been spending most of my time with Biggie, to be honest, he's a nice distraction. But with him comes a lot of the past. through freinds and such you know. its just kind of crazy. and im not sure if i like it. i can call him and hang out. but im not sure if its a good thing. i really want to seperate myself from everyone except biggie. But when im with biggie it just dosn't happen.... I miss stacy. And im afraid that we will grow apart. we will both change in these up coming times, and i still love her. and i can't say no to that, not to her. i hope i dont work some time this weekend. She's thinking of coming down this weekend. i hope so, i havn't seen her in a while. her and evan arn't together anymore. (that was quick, wonder what happened, she wont tell me because she says she wants to protect me, she dosnt understand, my imagination has gone through every posibility the first time she told me they were together. I always over exagerate and imagine way to clearly, thats why i dont really freak about events that happen in real time, my mind already went through the actual event...again and again and again...silly girl) if she comes home, i wonder what will happen. love, lust, happyness....eh. i know what i want to happen, i want her...easy right. hahaha, kevin your an idiot. anyway, things are going ok, feel overworked, and confused. after talking to heather, i feel very bad about myself. she's been at biggies a couple times now and she babysits these kids, and it kills her...ANYWAY the more time i spend in this place, the more hopeless it feels. Constantly every second of every day is now consumed by the question: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE im turning 20 in december, 20. how sick is that. im already planning some form of get away. I really wouldn't mind spending it alone or at least with someone that i can just escape with. Its a tuesday, a new release day, so i'll definitly be working. Damn you kevin for having to be good at your job. i dont know, this soul searching thing isnt really working out. all i come up with is the same thing. the same thing. not what i want to be, but who i want to be with. is there something wrong with that? is that a normal dream? the more i think about it, the more it frightens me that i have convinced myself that i would be happy being with her, no matter what i was doing, someone tell me there is something wrong with that, or at least some sort of reasoning (this is where i point at the comment box, but realize that no one reads this). Reminder, CUT HAIR. i want to go to school, but i dont know where, and i dont know for what reasons. I want to do something outside, or maybe teaching, or perhaps nursing. For teaching and nursing, western has a good program, but whenever the word western comes into play, doubt fills my head and my mind starts to figure out if i really want to go to western for the education or the girl. haha. stupid brain.but back to my birthday (kevin ur ADD, stop it) i can't take off work because holiday hours wont permit it. it sucks. i do get paid vacation though, so HIZAH!!! Biggie is my best freind, but he we are not alike. we are similar and very different. sometimes i feel as though i am stuck in a world, where the norm is to drink, smoke and do drugs. wait, it is the norm. Even heather is now deep into the world of drinking. Stacy has "opened" up to it. and i wonder. maybe im just wierd. it dosn't matter, ill stay wierd anyway. i dont look down on those who do, i mean come on, i know my freinds. but for some reason, i know i would look down on myself. sigh. the world continues to turn, even if you fall off. so today, i get off work at a quarter to eleven, call biggie, he says come to the bowling alley, people are here. i drive half an hour to them, i see them for maybe 15 minutes, then they tell me hey, where going to the apartment ( i can't go there because Zack aparantly hates my guts and said i can't step into the apartment) so then i leave. and drive another 30 minutes back to my house. WTF was the point of that...honestly.And the problem is that zack is just weak. he wont act like he hates me or anything, he wont tell me, or guesture me, he just tells everyone and says things behind my back...poor thing...there are positive feelings aabout being hated, the feeling of power comes so easily. like your ontop of the world almost, but in an evil sort of way. Much like a hey, im so bad you dont want to fuck with me sort of thing. im a bastard. a sick hell deserving bastard. But things are going ok...yeah...things are going ok...i promise, im ok kevin.... liar.