alright, so i need to pull out of this rut. ok, maybe thats a little unrealistic, how about i just cope with it a little better. lonely, well that wont change. so. yeah. the last few days have been ok. i just need to get my barrings. sometimes im completely amazed. alex calls me last night at FUCKING 3:15 in the morning. WTF. tells me to get online and read his diary entrie.....another rant about how he dosn't give a shit and hes going to change things and if in 14 days nothing happens, he will kill himself. coward. he has become so weak. honestly, who calls someone like that, attention is his goal...fuck'em. i understand the crave for attention, but nothing, no amount of lonelyness or depression will push me back that way. and i remember the pact we made way back when, that suicide would never be anything coming out of our lips. but i guess, somethings are impossible. him keeping his word is one of those things. work is work. my department did really well and we'r getting a lot of praise. finaly some recognition. i dont think i want to do the animation thing. i love drawing, but im not excited about sitting infront of a computer. its not what i want to do. now i just have to figure out what i do want to do. the army would be awesome, can't do it though. peace core, can't do it. hell americore can't do it. i have to get rid of this sleep apnea or its gonna kill me. maybe i can be like that guy in lord of war. that would be cool. life is life right. whatever happens happens. im worried about stacy though, now that nick has moved up there, she will be very lonely. i dont want her to be lonely. and theres nothing i can do about it...lonely comes with other feelings, lonely brings about sadness. brings about tears. i dont want her to be sad dammit, i want her to be happy. thats all i want. thats it. but today, i have to clean my room, write my paper, and go to class, and some how figure out how not to go insane. the fact is, that i don't have anyone here, even as freinds u know. but im doing it to myself. i mean, i could call up people, but i dont want to. i lost contact with these people for a reason. and i already saw what happens when u do things out of lonelyness with alex, it blows up in your face. some freindships are ment to die. im not going to call people that don't want me around. the friendships that stayed, or the freindships. the others, dust in the wind you could say. it may be a pride issue aswell. i wont call, but if im called. i just need to make new freinds, lonelyness is an evil thing, fucking razorblade butterflies never die. but its ok. we'r becoming freinds. i guess i wont be alone with them flutting around inside me. eh. miss her still. i made her cry on saturday when i told her i still loved her. of course no response, just tears. then happyness, but tears and not response. fucking lonelyness. ill kill you, i kill you like...like crazy super squirl, with car, RAAAOOOR. so im gonna go off and get my shit done. i don't know. perhaps im just loosing it. chris is coming back, possibly permanently, he's having a lot of trouble, not with school but depression. he wants to seek help. i think needs it. he sees himself thinking and wanting to do things that he knows isnt right. unlike alex. he knows man made death, is by no means an escape, it is selfish, it is cruel, and i can not understand how alex, after his sister is willing to give his life away. chris is brave for facing his problems. alex is a coward for giving up. life gives you shit, deal with it, life gives u bliss too it just has to be earned. thats why i'll never give up. no matter what, if these feelings inside grow and swollow up everything again. ill keep living. i wont be killed by anything other than god. and even he will have a fight coming. i am a living entity, i was given life for a reason. and no amount of suffering, pain, or fear will stop me from being. i will live. i will take on everything. i will breakdown, i will cry, i will be dark, i will be hurt, there will be set backs, but these things end. and if they dont, then im not fighting hard enough. and if i can't fight hard enough, then i will live with burden. i am not just a man, i am part of this universe, like all things. i will never forget who i am. what i am. what is life? if it is not impacted and impacts. sadness, happyness: life. nothing will stop me. except god himself. nothing.