so josh is coming for a visit and i can't wait. the last time we seen eachother was like 6 months ago. and man i can't wait to mess around with him. he's got one of those nice nice jock bods. mm damn i'm just crazy about it. the only prob is danny. he's getting emotional still about this whole thing and i feel bad just dissing him these past few days because i do really like him it's just too heavy to try and make me bust out of the closet just because he's comfortable doing it doesn't mean i am. i prefer the only people knowing are the ones i mess with. it all comes down to danny saying i'm ashamed and maybe i am. the only reason i am is because i'm not sure yet. i still like girls. i only like certain guys. and i don't know. it's fucking highschool. i'll figure all this shit out in college. maybe. so josh is coming and he gets to crash here for two weeks. niiiiiiiiiiiiiice. only thing that has really sucked about today is my sister having all of her dumbass little friends over and hearing a multitude of high pitched screams over the past 5 hours. i need ear muffs.

doctor says my knee needs rest and i need to relax it and not be too active. which is going to be almost impossible for me. i hate just laying around. fucking ridiculous. and to add problems to problems danny refuses to let up and leave me alone. he says i have feelings for him and are just too conditioned to not reveal them. convo in short: danny- you love me. me- i dont think so. danny- then why all the time we spent together. me- umm its called sex. danny- i refuse to believe that yadda yadda yadda. me- well believe it. click. goddamn i shouldve know better. he seemed emotional from the beginning. i cant wait for josh to come back into town. at least he can fuck and still act like a straight dude. and not get all damned emotional on me. bleh bleh. i shouldve know better. im not sure but i think my mom thinks somethings up with danny calling all the time. i lost my cellphone so now i have to depend on the home phone which i shouldve never given him the number. god im a moron. eventually all this is going to come crashing in my face and i hope it doesnt happen before graduation. i cant handle that. its hard enough not being sure let alone being half gay and a fucking jock to boot. this may have worked on the o.c. but in this town i dont even want to think about it. shit. i need to get a shower. i smell. -tagger

so now danny is mad at me. it's stupid really. it isn't my fault i can't go around being all happy and gay and not expect my team or my friends to diss me. i mean it isn't my fault i just want to be seen as normal and not as the gay jock. the gay quarterback. the homo teammate. i mean what the fuck. i think i'll just have to not see or talk to him anymore. i don't want it to be like that but it isn't like i want him to be my boyfriend i just like to screw. it's a lie that girls are so complicated because when you compare them to guys it's totally the other way around. our conversation in short- danny- you need to come out. me- i don't want to danny- then what about us? me- i don't have to come out to have sex. danny- you're ashamed bla bla bla me- yes maybe i am so what. danny- hung up phone. well so what. i don't even know what i like yet. i mean guys are cool but girls are still pretty cool to me. this could just be some experimental phase in my life and it could pass. maybe it won't but still why do i need to declare some thing right away. no more calling him for awhile. now i need to find someone else to mess around with. damn i hope my knees okay. seriously. if it isn't i'll be so fucking pissed. -tagger do people generally comment around here?

um. not sure what to say really. had one of these a long time ago but don't think it works anymore. i don't know. i play football. i'm a senior. i'm gay but no one really knows. i like sports. and i'm pretty damn bored tonight. my car got totaled the other night and i banged up my leg so now i'm condemned to keep myself occupied at home so i can wait and see what the doctor says about my leg next week. if it's bad i won't be able to play or practice and i will end up killing myself. not for real but yea. and the gay thing i don't know maybe i'm bi. i'm undecided i think. for now. my sister keeps playing emo music and i wish her dead for that. i wish very hard. very hard. i'm wishing harder right now. i have 3 brothers and one lame sister. she thinks she's protesting against exploitation of women but is the first to drop her pants if a guy says so. in short she's a slut in hiding because she doesn't think anyone knows. but everyone knows. bla. no more about her. what's everyone doing? someone tell me a story to entertain me. i will not step so low as to try myspace or a chatroom. there are some things i will not do. this seems boring. -tagger