I do my best for the world when it does little for me. Who can I turn to when my own mind can't see? Heavy with burden solid with guilt. Demons tear down the walls I have built. I could be tragic a tragic hero at best. But who will come when I lay down to rest? There are no believers in ways anymore. I am alone, outnumbered; there is only war. I don't know why these things come to mind. But for somebody else they are a story to find.

Ugh. I need a piece of glass to put my head through. I need an axe and a forest to release tense anger and frustration on. *sigh* but if I only had these things. I suppose CS will do. Kill until I am too tired to care anymore. I hate having bad thoughts made true. Am I doomed to constant failure? To have everything I work for fall from under me every time something "good" happens? WTF. Why should I bother then. Maybe I'll just tell everyone I settle for less than I want now, be sad so others are happy. That's a good thing right? Maybe I should stop trusting everyone completely. My "naivety" is definitely getting the better of me. Pah, thinking someone could hold a promise...what was I thinking. The world doesn't do that anymore, not for a price. I guess I'm the only one that cares enough to do things selflessly. The only one that actually doesn't have ulterior motives, that will help without being asked.

Heart torn asunder he weeps to wonder what is real because he cannot feel I was thinking of cool words to use and write about, and this is what I came up with. I like words.

Well, I got myself sick. Probably from kissing Nicole when she was sick, haha. Ah well. Kinda sucks but isn't bad. I'm weakened and have a sore throat, but otherwise fine. I miss her.

lol, this is goofy, and not wholly true. The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to the First Level of Hell - Limbo!Here is how you matched up against all the levels:LevelScorePurgatory (Repenting Believers)LowLevel 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)HighLevel 2 (Lustful)ModerateLevel 3 (Gluttonous)ModerateLevel 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)LowLevel 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)Very LowLevel 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Very LowLevel 7 (Violent)LowLevel 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)ModerateLevel 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)LowTake the Dante's Inferno Test

So pardon me while I burst, in azure flames. I've had enough of this world and its people mindless games.

So I've been having a turbulent recent two weeks. All told (in the order I was told), my excitements are: *one of my friends back home lost some morality *I found out my sister is dating a married man *my CA is a minor league pro-wrestler. Good to have in a friend *I've had 4 exams. ow. *I won a "best sportsman" award, huzzah *one of my friends has died So yea. Been...interesting to say the least. My hope for a happy entrance to Spring Break was cut with attending a funeral/memorial when I go home. D'oh. I do have a juice box to make me happy though.

So I was thinking a few days ago. Why do we call other races by false adjectives? Take for instance African-Americans. That is the politically correct way to describe their ethinicity. But it is incorrect. They are the same race as us - humans. We're all humans. Race and species are the same in my mind. It's not called the race of mankind by accident. They were not born in Africa, but rather here. What would we say about others not born from where their genes come from (not in the biblical sense)? Should we call people Japanese-Americans, Asian-Americans, Canadian-Americans, Mexican-Americans, French-Americans? NO! They are who they are. If they were born in this country they are Americans, plain and simple. If they were born in a different country than they should be known by that, not a diluted form. Thus we have Japanese living in America, Mexicans living in America, etc. Technically all us white people are European-Americans because that is where we came from. But we're not called that. We're Americans. Why can't people get that through their heads? Why must they be such idiots as to label everything incorrectly? Black, white, pink, brown, tan, pale. These, although crude, are at least true, since they describe skin color. I mean, wtf is caucasian? I apparently am, and I didn't learn that until I started taking standardized tests. On a different note, why do many institutions teach tolerance? By implication, to tolerate means you are putting up with something you can't stand. Why not teach acceptance like other places? Acceptance that things are the way they are. If you want to make a big fuss then change things. But to accept something over tolerate it is much better in my opinion. Instead of not liking somebody and putting up with their problems, accept the fact that they messed up, have problems, and you can choose to help them or not. A lot of things are a two-way choice like that, even though people don't see it that way. All done for today.

I think Nicole is the best. Stupid Valentines Day, costing me money though...

I was watching some geese and ducks in the pond this morning. It's always an interesting bond I've noticed between them. The geese will sleep in the morning, while the ducks patrol around and keep watch. I found it funny that the ducks are making something of a ruckus, trying to impress the female ducks and whatnot. The geese would raise up, look around, and then go back to sleep. It was pretty neat. A cute relationship. School is starting tomorrow. Gonna be interesting, and I will see how the world works again in school. Yay, lol.

I don't consider myself a follower. I really don't like followers. They destroy their individuality to hopefully gain some recognition, and they always follow someone else. They don't make a name for themselves, etc. I am not so much a leader either. I am one, when the situation arises. I can be one, and I can do the task without a problem with being a leader. Back in the day I was, and did lots of things. However, I am not comfortable with being the leader all the time. No, I consider myself more of a rogue. Follow nobody, lead none. I don't do what people want me to, and generally ignore rules, usually because I think they are moronic or just dumb. If somebody really thinks certain ones are necessary, nuts to them. Such as the rule in high school that one couldn't go in the halls unless for dire reasons, in the name of "security." I said screw that, and wandered where and when I felt like. Meh. So that's it, I'm a rogue that can lead if necessary.

I love my Nicole so much. Thinking about her and everything else makes me feel so good and I love the feelings I get from her. Nicole Nicole Nicole...she's so awesome. Love her with all my heart. Well that was sappy but well worth it.

Dead men lying on the heart of the grave Wondering when savior comes, if he is gonna be saved Maybe you're a sinner into your alternate life Maybe you're a joker, maybe you deserve to die They were crying when their sons left God is wearing black He's gone so far to find no hope He's never coming back They were crying when their sons left All young men must go He's come so far to find the truth He's never going home Young men standing on the top of their own graves Wondering when Jesus comes, are they gonna be saved Cruelty to the winner, bishop tells the king his lies Maybe you're a mourner, maybe you deserve to die They were crying when their sons left God is wearing black He's gone so far to find no hope He's never coming back They were crying when their sons left All young men must go He's come so far to find no truth He's never going home Welcome to the soldier side Where there is no one here but me People all grow up to die There is no one here but me Welcome to the soldier side There is no one here but me People on the soldier side There is no one here but me

Considering my heritage one day, I came upon some interesting conclusions. At least, I think they're interesting. I'm most German and English. This combination is beautiful, as I find my strength of body and mind from the former, and my tendency towards the classic from the latter. I wish I had more of an English accent though. Always did like it and used to mimic it a long time ago. Wasn't very good, but hey it was fun. Heh, at least I have my name. Very English, a bit classy, and not too often anymore. Mainly because everyone bastarizes the name into Andy. I refuse to be called that. It is not my name. Andrew is my name, and if you wish my respect you'd call me by it. grr. Haha, that's always something I've believed in. There are people who call me andy still, and Nicole has pointed it out to me. My answer now is there is a mutual lack of respect, so I figure it evens out. I'm listening to beautiful piano music right now that is on a cd that Nicole made for me a while back. It's so good...I'm going to learn to play it eventually. I want to.

If I love one song by Saliva, it's "Weight of the World." Hauntingly beautiful, it's me in every sense. Zoom! Ah, only one more day left, then finals. Why am I still awake?? Haha, weeeee!

So it's December, and there's 23 shopping days left. Psha. If I ever got well and prepared for Christmas this early I'd laugh at myself and go do something fun. It's all over-commercialized anyways... School's almost done and I'm happy. I can't wait to move to the other hall. It will be a single, I'm so happy! No more dealing with roommates that suck. Huzzah! It's been an exciting school year, but I think next semester will be much better and full of even more new and exciting things. Ha, guess I'm kind of like Bilbo Baggins; always ready for another adventure. Nicole is doing well, although we found out that parmesian cheese is bad for her throat and nose. Which is too bad because we're both avid fans of Italian cooking. Knowing her she'll eat it anyways...silly girl. I love her so much and can't wait to see her tomorrow.

I hate stupid people. Unfortunately a lot of those people around here are black. Nothing against them, just I'm seeing a lot of people ruining their name. Tons of white people are worse though. Anyways...the world sucks like that. Stupid drunk people, smashing my bike...

swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart...

I've had so many thoughts lately. I need time to sort them and and make it all right.

Hehehe... Click on him, he's awesome! adopt your own virtual pet!