His words hurt more than they ever have. I don't think I can get through this without an emotional breakdown. I try not to look at him because if I do, I might just die. I'm trying to be so positive, but I can barely hold myself up. Oh God please help me.

I want to be strong so bad, but I can't do it anymore. I've maintained my confidence and my self worth for the past 3 years, but I feel it has deminished down to almost nothing. I'm to blame for everything and I've started to beleive that myself. I'm tired and exhausted and I don't have one once of motivation left in my body. We don't respect eachother. Mostly I don't respect myself because I've let a man control me and manipulate me. I'm my mother, my aunts, my grandmother. I'm a firm beleiver that love isn't everything in a relationship, but it seems that's the only reasons I'm still here. oh and I owe my life to him.

This diary is filled with the misfortunes of my life. And it is the only thing I look back on when I've almost given up, and then I see how far I've gotten. My marriage is unpredictable, as all marriages probably are, but I fear mine wont last sometimes. When I look at my future hes not always there, I'm alone. In the two years we've been married I actually deliberatly cried infront of him, it wasn't because I was sad or mad, we were having a normal conversation, about the future. I'm a woman, more intouch with my emotions, and he knew why I was crying I didn't even have to explain myself. I know he feels the same. Sometimes it feels I'm fighting with a child, he must feel the same seeing as how we are the two most stubborn people we know. I think I must do something on my own, something thats been on my mind for a long time. This world is such a sad place, so many faces to capture so much misfortune so much beauty, and I want to be there, I want to be there when it happens. After all, you've got to let the world change you before you can change the world, right?

I cannot help but be what I would not: A river raging reckless through our love; But anger is the closest thing I've got To what far more aggrieved must in me move. I know quite well that I'm not being fair: You could not help but be untimely gone. But unlike you, I could not be but there To feel our child go dead within my womb. How you are like the wind, and I the earth That bears the seed you scatter on your way! Mine alone the brutal joys of birth; Yours alone the choice to go or stay. Despite our love, despite your sympathy, I know that I in this alone must be.

i'm so scared.

I'd be naive if I said we will last forever. I love you to death, and wont stop till I know it's not worth it. I hope I have enough pride to let go. We're not any different from that adorable couple in HS that gave eachother promise rings and swore they'd be with eachother forever. Like you've said "our marriage is just a tittle". I want to stop talking about children and our wedding because it would just be another crushed hope. Although our kids would be pretty sexy. I feel like I'm your wife, but you don't feel like my husband, I think I should stop calling you that too. Shoving problems under the rug will make things worse in the future, and I'm glad we talk about what we need from eachother. You make me see a side of me I would've never seen, I hope I do the same to you. I just wish you wouldn't look at me and see utter failure. I love you so much I choke when you look at me. I want to make you proud, but I think in order to do that I have to be proud of myself first. I'll prove to you that I'm not all talk.

At age 17 I've accomplished things a 25 year old woman hasn't.... not necessarly good things... By the age of 17 I was finished with school, literally, I fired school from my life. I was married And I had moved away from my mothers house. So all of my former classmates are getting ready for graduation, and they look forward to the hugs and the congratulation cards and the proud parents and the cool after parties with the keggers... and I just sit here in this empty apartment looking at our "mat" we use as a temporary bed. In this city, this peice of shit city, it's scum. All of the waiting and excitment and the anticapation, for this?... regret and doubt.. for the first time in this whole year that we've been together I have doubt. I have pleased you in everything you've asked for. Your true colors are coming out. You're a child, and a self centered asshole. A simple "sorry" and a hug would've been nice, or maybe "happy anniversary, I'm sorry". Making me a box dinner that tasted like shit didn't help much either. but hey, did taking out the trash and washing the dishes clear your guilty mind? I'm disgusted by you, but still want to craddle you at night, instead I turn my back towards you and never move till you're gone at 5:40am. Don't worry I'll still be here when you come back, I'll be making dinner like always. I wish I was 13.

seems like everything in this journal is about that one guy... you know, my significant other.... I frustrate him. He frustrates me, but I think I'm more patient with him. well atleast I don't call him an idiot. He can be pissed at me all he wants, he still has to pick me up from the airport tomorrow night and fuck me silly. I love him to death, and I push his buttons. I need to change that though. I need to see him.

I like waiting all day long for your phone call. I can't help but smell your deodorant every time I go to the super market. Everything you say makes me tingle and squeak like a 12 year old girl at a good chralotte show. You are brutaly honest, sometimes to the point where it hurts. I sence a bit of hypocracy when you say I'm the "best girlfriend", but later complain about how I dont give enough. I love that you like the Killers because I like seeing your red cheeks when I make fun of you for it. I hate that I'm jealous, and not just with girls, but with your guy friends too. I guess I just want ALL of your attention (don't worry though, all girls are enginered with it). I love that you can call me up while on the shitter, better yet, I like being there while you shit. I hate how I act sometimes, careless and ungrateful. I miss laying with you after sex, you're best at that. Don't get me wrong, our "sex-life" is unbeleivable, and is what I fantasize about most. I like how imature we are that we giggle when we talk about "it". I hate you when you drink when it's a large group of people. When you drink with me, you're wonderful. I hate how sometimes you look at other girls when we're walking down the street, I know it's just a reaction (you're a man). I hate how I am blind of anyone but you. actually, I like that. I hate your brother for puting shit in our heads (he's a mind fucker). You hate my brother, for simply being himself, don't worry I'm with you on that. I think you act imaturely when we fight in person, on the phone you handle it well. I love that you like Elliott Smith, because he is a big part of my mentality and now even more because when I listen to him I think about you. I love you in your uniform, and I make sure to remind you often. It's weird when I see a picture of you back in the day and all the feelings I have for you disappear. That makes me feel horrible and I cry for 5 minutes and then look at the next picture and I love you again. I hate how I can give in to you. I cringe when I think about life before you. You changed my life, no, scratch that. You are my life. I love you.

My bed is empty. So are my arms. I hate missing. I love nip/tuck though. And that's all that matters now.

How stupid was I to fall first. It's not suppose to happen like this. And to think that I could deal with it. I'm not weak dammit. I'm not. I hate this. I hate everything about this. I don't want it anymore. I wonder if I can reverse?

Togethernesss is wonderful. Phone is not. This is the last time before we can live together, which will be grand. I can't help but act like I do when we're not face to face. I'm selfish, I know. The things he says sometimes are just...dumb. There are certain things you just don't say to your girlfriend. learn boys, learn. Maybe I shouldn't be so....like I am. hard to explain. maybe later my lovelies.

I confess, Being young isnt the easiest. Im doing my best, But im wieghed down by this And Im rendered helpless. Lifes either a hit or miss. Just tell me im wrong or just say your right either way the days are long and i dont sleep at night. i dont ask anymore then of a heart to protect and a life to live for. out of respect, i depend on her for a sense of being, some kind of cure. it goes beyond what i am seeing, you have to find the strength to endure and i get this from you. -Nick It's been 2 wonderful, but hard months. The transition from a kid to an adult is really putting the weight on us both. it's nothing strange, everyone has or will go through it. I'll write about it when all my thoughts are clear and well-thought out.

Have you ever had that feeling in your heart like something bad is going to happen? She gives me that feeling almost everyday. There hasn't been a day when I don't think about her...so I call her. cell phone: no answer mum's house: no answer dad's house : no answer what happened to her? "Rachel got kicked out of her house... her mom couldn't handle it anymore... no one has seen her since" I swallowed hard and held back the tears. Never in my life have I felt so helpless. I know how it feels now. where is she now? where is she staying at? what drugs is she taking now? is she cold? why couldn't I speak up when I had the chance? How do you let go of someone that has been with you through thick and thin for most of your life? The one I called my best friend for 9 years holds that tittle no more. She doesn't know me. I know her even less. I see life as a long road. Maybe this is just another street sign?... I shall look four ways before I continue.

Pardon my absence. SIT was down for a while, and I forgot to check up on it until just now. Quick re-cap: This is the part of relationships that always comes back and bites me in the ass. I recognize I have a trust issue. He notices also. He deserves so much more in depth feelings coming from my part. Him pointing it out made me actually sit down and think about it. He deserves so much more, and I need to change that to make him happy. ... So, I open up and tell him something never mentioned before.. what happens...? Dissapointment. We are not ones who love drama so he made it loud and clear, something I already knew. And in no way I am stupid enough to lose something as great as him for drugs. What's done is done.. We wont worry about it ever again. =========================================== As for the good: What's the best present a girl can give herself as a birthday gift? a plane ticket for her boyfriend to come spend it with her :) So, plans for next week include: NEW digi cam lots of balloons cake candles cuddles relaxation kisses hand holding turkey eating champagne and never ending smiles.

The minute we pulled up the drive way to see him run like a little girl across the pavement made my heart go 100 beats per second. I shot out of the car as fast as I could just to find myself in a uophoria in his arms. I squeezed him so hard I felt I broke his ribs. I could tell he was nervous because there wasn't one second of silence coming from his mouth. I sat on the couch listening and looking him bable and stumble on words. That little shy 2 year old inside him showed.. it always shows when he's around me, and I like it. we jumped on the back of the truck and snuk a few kisses now and then when no one was looking, I felt like I was back in 5th grade all over again. That night was fun. we rented a hotel with a couple of friends... we were shameless.. if you didn't see the person you cared about for 3 months you'd be shameless too... or maybe it was just the alcohol, either way we didn't care that there was 2 people sleeping next to us in the other bed... The alcohol in his breath wasn't very appealing, but it was that or nothing at all. We didn't sleep that night. Everyday that went by felt like a dream.. the smallest things felt good. The way he held my hand when we walked down the street, making sure that he pays no attention to anybody but me. or those surprise kisses on the cheek/forhead that throw me off. the way he'll stare at me and kiss my hand. or the way he writes little messages on my hands. I wish this past week didn't go as fast as it did... I wish the days lasted longer than 24 hours. It felt as if we both lived there all over again... It felt so good just laying around doing nothing all day... cuddling, messing around, making jokes, watching porn. Then night came along and off we went drinking long necks and jumping in jacuzzies. I don't miss the smell of smoke on my hair.. the sleepless nights after tripping out on speed...or the days when I had no money left for food... but I'd want it all back in one second if I could just spend it with him. so here we go again... I'll wait however long, aslong as you promise me the same feeling of bliss in the air when we're together again. I miss you.

The days go by so slow...I want him here now... I want to hug him and kiss him, and then punch him in the face for making me wait so long. .....in 9 days. I know how I feel about the sex issue and I know I shouldn't be worrying about it because there is no need to.. not for a while atleast. I know who I am right now, and so does he.. but what if we change afterwards?.. he thinks he will because he's seen what it did to his friends... I know I'm not mature enough for it yet, and I still have a lot to think about the subject, but I just want to know where I stand on the issue... everytime he asks what I think about it, I can never tell him a straight answer because I just don't know how I feel about it. I promised myself I wouldn't do it until I was ready.. but what does that mean?... I don't even know what that means. It feels good to be with another virgin that doesn't preassure you... and I'm glad he thinks so strongly of it... The bad thing about it is, he's 18 I'm 17..we haven't seen eachother in 2 months..plus hormones and liquor... they don't mix.. haha.

I was remembering back a year ago.. he was such a different person... I remember his graduation night when we were sitting outside, one beer in hand... we sat on those steps, his face was blurry, music and sounds of people talking played in the background... he talked about the woman he wanted but couldn't find... He left that summer, as did I... he wrote me twice.. I never wrote back... he came back, called me... we talked for 8 months without seeing eachother.. 4, 5, 6 hours sometimes... all those conversations, all that time spent.. he talked about other women, I talked about other men.. not knowing that he had a "thing" for me.. all those conversations about other girls, and the hole time he just wanted me... I remember the day he called, I answered... he didn't sound like the other days.. the tone in his voice, the way he stuttered, I could hear him swallow hard before he said the words that came to shock... "I like you".. there was a silence, I uttered a sound.. no words... he said "tell me NOW how it's going to be... if you say yes then we'll go from there, if you say no then we will forget all about this and never talk about it again"... my words were simply.. "i don't know".. he took it as a no... we hung up. I think I sat in that same spot for about 2 hours thinking about what had just happened, those words being repeated over and over in my head... that was a sleepless night.. how could I have not noticed it?.. I asked myself over and over "why?!"... he discribed the girl he wanted in every detail, I never thought he was talking about me.. That day finally came... I had spent the ngiht at a friends house.. we both woke up early, had some doughnuts.. I was nervous.. she made my hair and my makeup... he called and I gave him directions... I sat in the living room.. my heart raced 100 beats/sec... I saw his car drive up.. I ran out the door, he stepped out of the car, he looked older, he wasn't the kid I knew a year ago... I ran to him and jumped onto his arms, he wasn't expecting that... I wrapped my legs around him, I felt like a little kid... his arms around my waiste, they gripped harder.. I felt a feeling of releif.. like I had something back from my old life... I whispered "I missed you"... he put me down, I was happy.. he was like a little shy 2 year old.. I tried looking at him in the eyes but he would look back, it was cute... we hopped in the car I looked at him driving, how much he had changed.. although his face expressions were still the same. we went to Bree's house.. I put my feet in the pool while they played chess.. I would look back every so often and catch him starring, I'd smile, he'd blush... we sat on the couch, we were in our own world, I played with his hair, he fell asleep on my lap... in the bacground people making plans for the party that night... We got there, he held me close, the music was loud, there were stacks and stacks or beer boxes in the kitchen, the guys following the girls into the bathroom.. he got me a beer, we squeezed together on a lawn chair.. the stars were so bright that night.. he hugged me, I felt it.. I finally felt what he had felt for me months ago... The cops came, we ran to a room, locked ourselves in... he was drunk/tired... I layed ontop of him... he hugged me, his hands went up and down my back, I could hear him breathing harder and his heart pounding through his chest... I played with his hair, we both fell asleep... All those months of carring for someone, wanting to hug and kiss came down to this day... he gripped his hands around my head, pulled me close and kissed me... I felt the passion, how much he cared, how much he had waited for this... ...and I felt the same.

It's weird how a sertain song or smell can take you back in time... back when life was simple and carefree... back when i didn't have to worry about anything important... i was just a kid having fun. some tell me I have changed a lot, I'm not as fun as I used to be... others tell me I'm more mature and I changed for the better... but they don't know... nobody could possibly know. I've been independent my whole life... even when I was a child, I liked doing things on my own... I never let my mum breat feed me, I stopped using dippers at 6 months, I always got changed on my own, I did everything by myself. and that's the way I liked it and still do till this day. I wish I was still the innocent little kid that knew nothing about this fucked up life. Babies are so innocent and pure.. but it's life that makes them turn out the way humans are. Not even the people you're suppose to trust and love are good people [family]. Most men in my life have dissappointed me, and that might be the reason I don't trust many people. My friends..heh, they're not the most decent people I know, but I love them none the less. I wish I had remained the friendships with those that I lost... to me, my friends ARE my family... and my real family are people I would rather not associate with. I'm numb to all feelings since moving here... I take everything and lock it up never to come out. At first I was reluctant and refused of living here, I would've done antyhing to leave... then the pain vanished and the anger set in... months passed and I let evertyhing bottle up inside me... I had no motivation towards anything.. down to the point where I droped out of school because my grades were so low. I would've cared before, but now I see it as a big weight off my shoulders... I can breath more easy, and I smile more... but the damage has been done, and it's going to take a lot for me to be a regular person.. I'm learning, slowly, but surely. Looking back and thinking about each particular friend, they've all grown.. including me. Everyone has changed so much. We were all different people with different lives. But I have hope... things are looking up for once in a very long time.

Is it true that nothing is forever..? I mean, I know that when I die that it will.. but while I'm still alive? while I can still feel...breath...smell? thoughts flutter through my brain... thoughts of lonelyness I once felt.. What is it that I'm afraid of..? commitment? no. losing? yes. pain? yes. not seeing his face everyday upon awakening? yes. Just hearing a couple so deeply inlove break up without notice breaks my heart... why? because the boy has changed.. the girl, left to suffer as she drowns in her own tears... I'm afraid of change... change in him, change in me.. it's happened in a year..and it will happen once again as time goes by... is it ok to be afraid of change? we all change... change for the better...sometimes for the worst.. So the answer to my own question "do I love him?" is answered tonight. I do.. with my body, my soul, my heart. I love you... now let me suck up the balls and tell you...