is it bad that I hate it when every time I come home my mom scans the fuck out of me? because i fucking hate it and i fucking hate it when she cant just ask me how my fucking night went. FUCK.

It seems as though every time I update, there isn't anything good to say. Well, its a really long time since my last entry and so many stupid things have happened. Well, now I'd say I have gathered myself out of everything to start new. I haven't exactly experienced new things but I'm just waiting for school to start. I am going to take a break on depending on myself for things, such as rides to places, the people I choose to open up to, and whatever comes along. Me opening to people is a problem, I'm timid. I know that either way people will judge you so might as well have people see you the way you want them to. I am not going to have friends with benefits either. I want to take all the lonely people and be friends with them. I don't know, its been 12 days that I could have turned my life around but I havent. I am thinking if I might just be saying this all year. I don't think I will though. I don't know where to find people that are compatible with me. I am difficult but longing for human interaction.

My friends have become fucking nutty. I think I'll hang out by myself for a while until I calm down. I know they wont calm down because they don't see it as a problem. Oh well. Peace.

summer isnt so much of a summer to me. im slavin at school from 7-3pm monday - thursday. it also doesn't help when i'm taking trig and pysch. blahhhhhh. so much has happened since my last entry.. wow.. endless nameless.

So this is what comes down to having a two night little gathering: friends, drinks, bud, sex, fun. What came out of it: getting exploited, getting drug tested, house arrest. This is seriously the best week my parents aren't home ever! I have no idea why my sister narc'd me out. No one really knows.. all I know is that I'm getting tested and I need to get some detoxifiers asap. I slept for a little over 12 hours today and I'm so mellow right now. This sucks. My life has officially went down the shit hole. So out of all those unnatural.. or whatever the word I'm looking for is.. stimulations.. all I have left is the pleasure of getting pleasured. I ruined my life.

in a nutshell, i can describe my life as good. i may be reconsidering people but they are okay for the time being. school is harsh because its soo free. college is crazy. there is so much i can say but ive started to learn what it is to keep quiet.. or maybe i havent found someone worthy enough to share to. as far as i know, i dont have best friends, i dont know anything about my friends.

Shit happens and this is number five for month five. I dont know what to think of this.. i really need to pace myself. Last night is kind of the guy I'm after.. but not really. He's kind of shitty and I know i was the girl just for the night.. or for the while. Unless something turns around.. which I highly doubt. But anyhow, I think I'm in trouble.

Man.. Friday night was pretty crazy. I dont want to regret things but I think right now I'm just scared. Another mark in my life, August 7, 2004. The only thing I think I would regret is the fact it wasn't someone I truely care about. Or keep hoping that Matt will come around. I hoped, I'm still hoping. Anyhow.. this kinda sucks but not really. It was good just not the guy I was hoping for. He's hot.. if that makes anything better.

This is some good times. I guess I finally got pushed away and pushed myself away. so basically, i have a couple of friends but i'm here writing this entry. I wish he would call though. haha the first weekend I haven't seen him. Wow. Oh well, i'm not going to get too attached because, well, I know how it all ends. But, part of me says that's stupid because part of me tells me he's not like that. I will find a way to screw things up. I know I will.. I usually do. i'm always telling myself i need something new. so i went back to the old and there was no business for me there. well, back to the old two just not one in particular. i thought things were going well until it bites you in the butt. i guess there's nothing for me to do. everyone does that kind of stuff but rarely you get caught. yep you did get caught but whatever. i love how i went from crying one whole day to my life changing completely around. well, now i'm back into some kind of phase and i'm not sure if its the same as the old. i hope not and i hope i'm just overreacting. i cant help myself but.. who knows what this will bring this time.

So I found this new boy and I hope it works out. :)

practically, i cried all day. .sucks.

Matt is one cool dude.

feelings so mutual, why is it that i still have to wait for you to come? i'm gonna go in there and make a move. all this talk is boring. i hate thinking without knowing.

back to this up and down cycle again. but i dunno. this time is different. i dunno if i care anymore. i do but ugh.. all i can feel right now is my stomach. i want to throw up. he makes me sad, as always. i just want to spend prom night with the one i really care about. but its not like he doesnt care.. but it seems like he doesn't want to go the extra distance for me EVER. oh well. i dont even know what i'm talking about becuase i keep getting fucking interrupted.

It makes me wonder what am I doing wrong or what is wrong with me. I spent my first Valentines day NOT alone but very much alone. We even slept in the same bed but very much far apart. I don't understand how can you not even joke about affection between us. What am I even waiting for? Special/right/perfect moments? Do those really exist? I am bound to become asexual if you don't come save me soon. You, yourself even seem like you dont' want that to happen but c'mon.. why should I save myself when I keep waitng for you to save me. Why stay single when we both know we'd rather share moments together more than friends. Come around or I'll dig myself a hole.

you are you. i am me. but what we cant see is that we're probably the missing pieces to the puzzle. i miss you already and it hasn't been an hour. i hope i can continue to be strong to where I DONT always crawl back. where i can learn. and hopefully you realize.. you dont know what you got till its gone.. i crush. i shatter. i crumble. but you dont. two stubborn minds equal to nothing good. so i am not stubborn. this time.. i will be. i will be strong. i hope you miss me when im gone.

It's really intense.. I'm on the verge of being fired so I need to jump in so I can quit. :) haha. The down part.. THERE IS NO DOWN PART. I get to spend more time with people and I have FREE SATURDAY NIGHTS. Since HE has no work throughout the week.. I get to spend more time with my favorite!! Aww I'm so excited. And I'm soo broke...

I dont know what I want anymore. I'm stuck between my friend and how I want to be treated like he did before. Not be the outside of the circle amongst these new people. I tell myself I should separate for a while because then maybe when we "meet again" it'll be so perfect. Separating to me, I'm thinking like two weeks. Two weeks won't be long enough for that "till we meet again" mumbo jumbo. Separating for..... two months. That would kill me. I know where the easiest way to get a hold of him is.. but I'm soo tired of using it. I love going places and just talking and it hurts that right now I dont even know how to hold a conversation with you. I dont know how to get you to give me the attention like you did before. You are tired of hearing the same crap over and over but I'm still trying to clarify EVERYTHING. I wish there was an easy way of showing you what youre doing to me even though you dont know it. I wish it was so simple between you and i. Or is it ME again playing the fool. Fuck if I know..... I just feel like I'm standing still.

I think i'm done trying to be up to par with my friends. I will take everything one step at a time yet i want to try/experiment with everything. Yup.

Maybe I shouldn't have told him that I'll always come back.. it leads to more emotional abuse towards me. Well, yesterday we had another dispute, two actually. The first one I found out was a joke.. the second one, I'm not too sure of it. He said he's sorry and he told me that he's thankful that I came back. We had a quick moment at the Block. I just wanted to hug him. But, we were watching the movie and I layed on his leg.. he told me to get off cuz its pants are riding his jock. Access DEnied. geez.. Anyhow, let's see where we end up tomorrow...... ps. I think I liked it better when people know I can't drive. While I was getting ready to head out the door this morning, I get a phone call saying "should we continue walking or are you going to pick us up?" I thought about it and I was like "wtf.. first day I have a car back.." No no, I was more like "wtf did you just say to me?" Anyhow, I just thought I should share. Since it's such a big deal and all, I should say something. But, I dont. This is my expression of friendship.