I want to get away. I want to release the pain. How am I supposed to do this? Release the heartache, the cold, the cruel, everything. I want to make it go away. I want to start over. There is no way I can change myself now. Neutral doesn't last long. Soon you realize that you really have some feelings that you just don't want to accept. It's hard to feel release of those feelings.

I don't think I have any true emotions right now. I haven't found any meaning to anything. It's almost as if I don't care. But the thing is, I do care. I care about my friends, family, the choices that I make...but I don't care about someone special. Someone worth the heartache, the tears. It's really hard to find anyone anymore. There are no true feelings existing within me. I'm almost numb. [[edit]] Betrayal. It's more than a word. It's a fucking knife in the back.

So today was supposed to be saddening and depressing. It was actually just fine. I am still pretty neutral right now. *sigh* Is life as complicated as I make it seem to be right now? I don't know.

I really don't like anyone at this point. I just really miss the whole dating thing. Like, you really do miss what you no longer have. I miss that little feeling in the corner of your heart that tells you "yeah, we're together. he likes me." I miss that feeling of being in the arms of someone and knowing that they have you, you're safe...you're cared for. I don't know what I am looking for in a guy. I guess I'll deal with just about anything right now. *sigh* All I know is, they sure won't be found in my school.

I feel really empty lately. Am I missing something that I once had? I really don't know. Maybe I will figure it out soon. It's like, I want something...I just don't know what it is. *sigh* I just want to figure all of this out.

That's just what I want. I want SOMEONE to hold me in their arms. I haven't felt that good since...well, the movies. I miss that feeling. It's what I live for. Without it, I just become cold. Could it be possible that I am not strong enough to be alone? Is it that I just want something that I know I can't have? -sigh- These are the times when I miss old relationships...the ones that I always seem to end.

So what do I do? Sit here in a depression just wishing that I had seen this all before it was too late? Or just forget this ever happened and snap back into the reality that, YEAH this happens to everyone and it's stupid to make a big deal. I know, the second one sounds about right. But, I mean...we all know how a broken heart hurts a bit more than an actual wound...it takes a new person to heal it. I just, want to FIND that new person. Could he be right here and I not even know it? Probably. I just need to open my eyes a bit wider and find out just who the hell it is. *sigh* I just wish he would come to me...

I really just want to get away from here. I've been crying over him. She lied...and she she kept it so well for so long. I really can't trust her anymore. I can't even look at her right now. I don't want to think about how much they love each other, and I am not going to let this get the best of me. Oh, how he breaks hearts. If only he would come back to me...if he could just love me like I love him. What is it about me that makes her seem so much better? Why am I not good enough? I just want to cry myself to sleep...and I probably will. My friends told me he isn't good enough...well then who is? Who could possibly be right for me? Or, rather, who am I good enough for?

So I really did cry myself to sleep...shows how strong I am when I'm alone. But, I will get over him. I already I have, yeah...I don't need him. I need someone who actually cares. Let's see what I am: I don't wear slutty clothes. I don't lie. I don't pretend to be anyone but myself. I'm not easy. I put others before me. I make an effort to try and fix things. My looks aren't terrible. I'm not dumb. I have decent taste in music and fashion. There really isn't anything potentially wrong with me...other than getting a bit angry at times or being a little violent. Why can't guys see that? Am I missing something here?? I'd like to know. So yeah, if you see this too...can you let me know? I really want someone who pays attention to who I am, inside and out.

Maybe he's not what I'm looking for. Maybe what I am looking for is right before me and I have no hint as to what and who it is. Is this all just a stupid game that in the end means nothing because death ends it all? Or, is this all just because I have to realize who I am before I can realize what I really want in relationships? Perhaps my thoughts, emotions, feelings, are all just a mirage as to who I am. If only I had a sign as to what this all means in the end. -sigh- I just want to feel like I am worth something.