**Where'd you go? I miss you so, Seems like it's been forever, That you've been gone.** For different reasons..i feel like im relating to this song.. it just repeating in my mind. two more days to go. **I miss you so, Seems like it's been forever, That you've been gone. Where'd you go? I miss you so, Seems like it's been forever, That you've been gone, Please come back home...** no tears at school..tears just where i feel that i can be understood.. not judged by people who don't no me i cryed with mum last night. then my best friend rang. i was so relieved that she rang. just her voice. in a strange way i just felt normal. that i was okay. listening to her lil stories. her listening to mine. the normality of it helped. i loved her for calling. :] mmmm.. mum tried to tell me other than dad. which she can't fix everything else is fine. she said.. you've got me you've got many caring friends your smart your pretty (all mothers have gota say that:p) and you have a sweet bf.. what more could i ask for. i almost sreamed DAD heh **Where'd you go? I miss you so, Seems like it's been forever, That you've been gone, Please come back home... Please come back home... Please come back home... Please come back home... Please come back home...** R.I.P daddy :'(

the seriousness of this week is starting to doom. in a wierd way i havn't felt it as much as i thought. but its going to be a nightmare..thats negative but wat other way are u meant to see the aniversary of ur dad's death. dn't dewll on it i try to think..itl be okay. its just one of those things. one day that won't be gud. mmm.. im still scared. i dnt feel much like writing.. i feel like having sum time to think. mmm life. it bites on days like these.

the 17th of march.. if you knew me you wouldn't ask. for those of you who don't. i don't know why your reading my diary but hey.. its my dad's aniversary. when i have a bad day it's hard to see how i'v almost gone 14 years without him. when i have a good day im proud that i have..although it would have been alot easier if he'd been here. everyone says.its okay.its fair enough to grief.n to take my time.im taking my whole life. just times like right now it hurts more i have to think im better than last year.i really do hope. i thought i was doing quite alot better.but a few things that have happend.made me realise i relly am on the edge.. its like emotions are a tap..sometimes it all comes out to much..over emotional waaaay over emotional..and then like yesterday and today.. theres no emotional at all except this wierd withdrawn feeling and numbness the start of this week i felt.i mean i realy realy felt it.i think a few people saw the change.. when i looked in the mirror i could see it in my eyes..this wierd pain.. n i could feel it to. i hurt for my dad. i missed him so much. i was worried bot trials..but thats one less thing to worry about seeing as im guranteed in without trialing...n a mate made me feel like i was losing it all.like my priorities were all rong..like i shud b guilty for somthing im sure i havnt done.. and brian.god. he topped it for me on a cuple of nights. those nights were u cry to sleep n the nxt day ur just out of it.. ever since then im numb..wen ailis gave me that letter im still numb..i no i shud say something rite something to her but i cant. thers no feeling for it..i dnt no wat i want.n i just i cant b bothered.i dnt wana b upset over it. my dad.its just this lump in my throat.and brian.it feels numb.. weve finally stopeed this fighting coz were both so hurt.all the questions are just sitting thea and i cant b bothered asking wen i no im not gna get the answer.its numb.im all numb all over.. n im lettn go coz i cant anymore.not this week im just so glad wen i go to school i can hold on to luke..he wants to no and i no he doesnt understnd.but even tho hes not pushing it hard he just holds me and pretends he knows.i love him for that. next friday will interesting to see how he deals.i dnt no if il b at skool.n i dnt no if id want to b at home.i dnt want to think about it but saying that makes my brian want to think about it more. it goes from hurt.to numb.to hurt to numb. n im glad its numb right now. i rely am. so this weeks had "okay" days.life balances itself out.and its never that bad. *try smile*

my head hurts like an absoulute biatch. lol yesterday was a v.gud today today was quite alright.. everything still remains good except for the minor few things =>like i said my head hurts.real bad.dumb migraines =>one person in particular is an absoulute ***** argh..argh..arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh =>my brain won't stop thinkn of brian.stupid brain..stupid brian..stupid =>out of four close friends..one only talks to one who only talks to two who only talks to two who only talks to one...confused? so am i.what happened.. i wish gurls didn't have to fight..cept for that ***** iv had enough of her. i ddnt do anything. she can apologize coz i give up i really couldn't give a toss if i didnt hav to deal with giving her my full atention everyday and getn shit all in return =>my head stil hurts if not more than before otherwise life is swell..:) *smiles*head hurts*smiles* lunchtime was nice..love being in his arms.is so safe..he is sweet.i think im starting to feel a lot more.. god damn it.i dnt really want to.mmmm and then theres that brian thinf.i wish he'd leave my head all small minor problems... must not think of them all at once and :( coz there very little and i am happy..smile

hehe think it might actually be the first time i've chosen happy for my "current mood" hehehe yes life is happyful..i dnt think thats a word however :p my family..is good. mum not ag seeing as im never here so theres a big plus..n i havnt seen my bros in yonks so yeah wateva my friends..are fantastical :p speshally my ashleigh..yay were more close there days! n my lou i thinkn she good... finally got to see nikki today! hadn't seen her in ages.:) n ashlee haha funny night..had a talk about everything..well not everything just byron n luke haha which then brings me to luke :) explains all feeling haha he walked me back to ashlee's yesterday was such a crack up..he makes me laugh non-stop. ashlee's mum was threatening him with the woodn spoon. hehe everythings good there..my concern of him moving to quikly n bein to full on.is weakening..i fink its okay. i jus dnt like ppl happynes relying on me..ashlees gna tlk to him..so everyfing is quite happy n dandy for this moment.. :) smiles :) smiles for everyone :)

my last entry was what like 9 days ago.. and lifes different.ofcourse time changes everything. it always will change whats good to bad..or in the rarity whats bad to good. the weekend is what changed everything.well not everything.just boys. those anoying boys that you just cant live without. mmm it isn't that its changed badly.. im very happy.honestly the weekend although the drink makes some parts rather blurry. it was still fucking wiked. its was like wow.so much fun, with different people.and him. most gurls without meaning to have a list of "their guy"..what you imagine you'll find. hes not perfect by any means. but it fits or so ashlee pointed out to me kind caring lets me know i can talk about stuff that matters sweet quite gentlemen like, well he tries very funny a bit quirky not cocky but still confident,yet still has a shy side nice to your friends understanding not bad to look at and often suprising honest.very honest it fits. and even if you did find this guy.isnt it more likely that he's not even going to notice you!but he did thats so strange. he tells me how he thinks the world of me. that nothing good happens to him it seems like it could be a line or maybe he genuinely means it. people who know him constintly tell me how hes so proud. its like what the hell. im happy.days are good.we'v got this weekend planned.itl b fun.n wel be alone.itl be interesting. i ddnt even think itd last days.that itd be far to hard.that we were all to different. the first day i was so damn unsure. n then slowly it just fitted. no1 put up a major fight like it thought this is the first time iv really thought about whats going on. but what about life before he came. what about the guy i was fully n totally obsessed with. theres bin no time to miss it, too miss him. i dont like him anymore.but it wasnt a choice of ending it it was just something i knew i had to do. how can you be utterly happy with some one but at the same time a tiny weeny part of you thinks what happend the plans..the hopes..everything in the last few weeks. theres been no time to actually let it go. it was like it was a lucky escape in a way. this new thing is so comfortable.so fun. so everything iv wanted for ages..im startn to really like this guy.a guy who's people i swear against.lol whats the world coming to. xxx

mmm s'bin a wile .. theres not really alot to write about..diary's seem to be a list of complaints about whats rong in life..or for those rare people..wats going good.. im not sure what happins when you cant determind the difference.. everyday is average.sometimes on the verge of actually being good..but don't push it.. mmm. familys ok.tis always good when the lawyer has to come round and talk to every child. talk to my brother about why going to court isnt the best idea. and its not always a good thing to hide from the ird. he took one look at me ...your very quiet what are you hiding.at that moment i get a tx from brian.ha. like he cares anyways. like any1 really cares.tis almost certain that now not one but two of my brothers are leaving the country..sigh. o well. iv bin going to see dad for the past what 4 months.there is always a reason not to. a reason y its too hard. a reason y i dnt want to go alone..go to see dad..makes it sound like im going to pop into his house and say hey..no. mmmm *one day il go* friends are okay.well no some are good some are not.i cant do anything right for one.and patience ran out along time ago.one i worry about.one i also worry about.one i wonder what i can do to get through to her.all i love. boys..no one boy ofcourse.thoughts to jumbled.to confusing.to frustrating.to personal.to complicated to write.might as well keep it to myself ..tis beter that way.otherwise im labeled as obsesed.likely true. so thoughts are generally best kept to myself.tis easier that way.