Everytime I get a call from a certain boy, I get more and more confused. It's like he's trying to start something again, and I know that if he asked, I would never turn him down. There is nothing wrong with me going back to him, and I want to more than anything...so why am I so confused? I think my confusion is a result of not knowing what he is thinking. When I go down to visit him I think things will become more clear...or I hope so anyway. It's so hard to know with him because it seems like he still has feelings for me. Especially since the one he left me for didn't take him back. (which I find rather funny) So, since she didn't take him back, and that's the only reason why he left me in the first place, shouldn't he now come back to me? I know people would tell me not to go back to him because he just wants to be with me because he can't have her, but I don't care. I just want to be with him again. I just want to be more of a part of his life than I am now. I find myself wanting to be in his presence more and more these days. I long for his kisses, and his intoxicating embrace. He is so beautiful in every way. I don't truly know how I would move forward in life if I wasn't atleast his friend. Meeting him that summer night..July 29th 2005 to be exact, was the best moment I have experienced thus far. I love him with everything I am. ..the best day I can ever remember Always remember...

What is it that I'm looking for? There is something that is definitly beyond my grasp, but I don't know what it is. This thing which entices me forward, holds me down with each step. I am longing for something, or maybe someone, but I really am confused, and blinded as to what it is. I think about it every day, and I know in my heart that I will someday reach it, but I can't comprehend what this thing that taunts me is. I know there is something missing; some great finishing peice of a puzzle..so tell me, what is it? There will come a day, a great moment of clarity, where I find my missing peice. When this day comes I will rejoice in knowing that I am whole. Untill then, I will search.

I don't remember the last time I was as happy as I am at this moment. Right now there is nothing wrong at all in my life. The weirdest thing is there is nothing that made me so happy, I just... relaxed. I had the best cigarette I have ever had, and I stared out my window at the clouds, and I was happy. I feel like nothing can bother me at all right now. Even though I miss B, and I don't know where my life is going, it doesn't matter anymore. All that matters is that I wake up everyday, and live. I have never been so apreciative of my life before. I feel like everything has fallen into place, and nothing can bring me down. I love everything, and everyone in my life at this moment. I am happy. I am me.

Fine. You win. I'll wait around for you to show me that this will never amount to anything because if you don't show me, I won't believe it. ---But keep in mind that it could amount to something wonderful if you'd just let yourself out there.

Today was interesting to say the least. Not much happened, but at the same time, it was almost too much. I don't like sitting there in class wondering if R ever looks my way, or if he ever thinks about me. I'm really tempted to ask him if he wants to hang out tonight if he doesn't have any other plans...I really think I'm going to. Another thing..P is so amazingly cute. I can't even begin to get over how attractive he is to me. It's almost unfair. I have decided that there are so many things I want to do with my life, because I don't think it would be fair to me if I don't do everything I have ever wanted. When a person thinks of something that would be cool or fun to do, why doesn't he do it? Why would he hold himself back? That is why I have decided to live for the day, instead of trying to make a plan for myself. To some, that would seem like I do things on a whim, and they would tell me that I'll regret it later. But that's them, not me. I am to the point in my life where I don't regret a thing I do because there is no point in regrets. Everything I have done in my past has led me to where I am today, and I am very happy with myself now. So, when I get the inclination to do something, however random, crazy, or impulsive it might seem, I am going to do it. When I'm on my deathbed, I want to be able to look back at my life and tell myself that it was worth it. I want to feel accomplished, and I want to feel like I have lived my life to the fullest. I want to experience everything that I've ever dreamed of. A wise person once said 'We must laugh at the odds, and live our lives so well that death will tremble to take us.' Has a truer statement ever been said? I think people take life way to seriously. Life is such a fragial thing, and it should never take backseat. Reality will continue to ruin the lives of the people who take life granted. People wake up every morning and go to work. Then they come home, eat supper, and go to bed. It's the same day in and day out. Why can't that be different? Why can't people think for themselfs and realize that they have dreams, and that going by routine every day isn't going to allow them to reach those dreams? If only society wasn't so brainwashed... p.s. I can't stop thinking about you, R. Give me a sign. Give me anything. Give me a reason to believe in you.

Do you know what you do to me every time? Either you know and choose to ignore, or you haven't learned yet. This time I'm going to try not to be frustrated, and I'm going to try my very hardest to be patient. You must know that you make that hard for me though. Sometimes I wonder if you realize that you turn me around in circles. You spin me around to the point where I'm so dizzy with confusion that I don't know if I'm heading forward, or if I'm simply holding myself back. I wish so much that these words were being said straight to you, instead of my computer but I fear that I don't have the courage to try to tell you this. I wish you knew how much I feel for you. I wish I could tell you how much I feel for you, but I am afraid that you would turn me down, or simply say that you don't know. I'm afraid that you will be afraid of commitment forever. You told me once that you hated that you didn't take the chance when you had it, and that if you were given the chance again there is no way you would hold back. Is that still true today? Will you still take the chance I'm giving you? Or are you going to avoid it again just because this is new for you, and you don't know what to do. Let me show you how. Let us learn to be whole again together. A heart cannot be broken if it isn't whole to begin with, so let's take that chance. We've both been through so much, so let's be together and make eachother happy. What would you say if I told you that I would love to spend my life with you? Would you run away from me, or would you take that leap and try something new? I am NOT about to give up on you, so you might as well take that leap with me and see what happens. If it doesn't work out, then so what? We'll move on. Simple as that. Just please, grant me the chance I'm giving you. Do you know what you do to me?

I decided to make an online journal so I can write my thoughts down as a way to help me cope. I have however, decided to keep it annonymous, as these are my own thoughts. So, here it is. My life has become very confusing for me. First of all, the one person in my life who I truly think I love has left me. Granted, we did have a very long distace relationship..he lived in another state. I know that I still do, and always will love him though. He is one of those people that comes into a person's life and makes such a huge impact, that I know I will never, ever forget him. I know in my heart that we will not be together, so I know I have to move on, but it hurts all the same. I have been working on trying to move on, and I started to have feelings for another guy, which didn't end up working so well. He knows that I had feelings for him, but they wern't mutual. Then there's R. (That's what I am going to call him on the offchance that someone I know stumbles across this) R and I have had a long history. A long and confusing history. It seems that everytime we finally confess that we have feelings for eachother, something screws it up and we stop talking for a while. Then we eventually start talking again, and no matter what, those feeling always come flooding back to both of us. This really scares me because of the first person I mentioned. I am afraid of loving another because for one, I don't want to be hurt again. Also, I am afraid to love another because I am worried that if I let myself fall in love again, B, (the first person) will come back to me. I know that I should just move on and forget about him in a relationship sense, but it's so hard because I know I still love him...But I also know that I could very easily love R. R and I have been talking, and we decided that we are going to hang out more, and see if anything more happens. We are going to see if there is still chemistry between us, which I know there is because there has been since the moment I met him 4 years ago. Everytime I think I'm ready to move on, and try a relationship with R, B comes back into my thoughts and I don't know what to do. I just wish that it was easier to get over him. We are really good friends now, and I keep wondering if that could ever turn into anything else agian. I honestly don't think it will, and that is why I know I need to just move on, but there is always that small chance. I guess what I need to do is just figure out if I want to rely on a small chance, or move onto something that could be great. I always used to think that it wasn't possible to love more than one person at a time, but I am beginning to wonder if I was wrong in thinking that. B will never leave me for as long as I live, whether we get back together or not, so I am starting to think that love is something that can be shared between more than just 2 people at a time. I know that I will learn to love another in time, but I also know that I will always love B. I know that it is very hard for R to try to have something with me again, because we have hurt eachother before, but I am very glad that he is trying. I know that this time I can be better. Even though I love B, and always will, and even though he hurt me, he has helped me in ways that I cannot even begin to describe. He has shown me that love is all around us, and that it's not hard to find. Even though he ended our relationship, and I know that I still have feelings for him, he has helped me move on. He showed me love; something that I had not truly known before, and he has made it possible for me to know that I need love in my life, whether it is with him, or otherwise. So I know that in time, I will be able to truly, and fully love another. I really think that this journal will help me in many ways. I think it's so good for a person to get their thoughts out of their head. If anyone reads this, I just want to make it known that I don't mind if you comment on it. Another person's input is never a bad thing, even though these are my thoughts.