I decided to make an online journal so I can write my thoughts down as a way to help me cope. I have however, decided to keep it annonymous, as these are my own thoughts. So, here it is. My life has become very confusing for me. First of all, the one person in my life who I truly think I love has left me. Granted, we did have a very long distace relationship..he lived in another state. I know that I still do, and always will love him though. He is one of those people that comes into a person's life and makes such a huge impact, that I know I will never, ever forget him. I know in my heart that we will not be together, so I know I have to move on, but it hurts all the same. I have been working on trying to move on, and I started to have feelings for another guy, which didn't end up working so well. He knows that I had feelings for him, but they wern't mutual. Then there's R. (That's what I am going to call him on the offchance that someone I know stumbles across this) R and I have had a long history. A long and confusing history. It seems that everytime we finally confess that we have feelings for eachother, something screws it up and we stop talking for a while. Then we eventually start talking again, and no matter what, those feeling always come flooding back to both of us. This really scares me because of the first person I mentioned. I am afraid of loving another because for one, I don't want to be hurt again. Also, I am afraid to love another because I am worried that if I let myself fall in love again, B, (the first person) will come back to me. I know that I should just move on and forget about him in a relationship sense, but it's so hard because I know I still love him...But I also know that I could very easily love R. R and I have been talking, and we decided that we are going to hang out more, and see if anything more happens. We are going to see if there is still chemistry between us, which I know there is because there has been since the moment I met him 4 years ago. Everytime I think I'm ready to move on, and try a relationship with R, B comes back into my thoughts and I don't know what to do. I just wish that it was easier to get over him. We are really good friends now, and I keep wondering if that could ever turn into anything else agian. I honestly don't think it will, and that is why I know I need to just move on, but there is always that small chance. I guess what I need to do is just figure out if I want to rely on a small chance, or move onto something that could be great. I always used to think that it wasn't possible to love more than one person at a time, but I am beginning to wonder if I was wrong in thinking that. B will never leave me for as long as I live, whether we get back together or not, so I am starting to think that love is something that can be shared between more than just 2 people at a time. I know that I will learn to love another in time, but I also know that I will always love B. I know that it is very hard for R to try to have something with me again, because we have hurt eachother before, but I am very glad that he is trying. I know that this time I can be better. Even though I love B, and always will, and even though he hurt me, he has helped me in ways that I cannot even begin to describe. He has shown me that love is all around us, and that it's not hard to find. Even though he ended our relationship, and I know that I still have feelings for him, he has helped me move on. He showed me love; something that I had not truly known before, and he has made it possible for me to know that I need love in my life, whether it is with him, or otherwise. So I know that in time, I will be able to truly, and fully love another. I really think that this journal will help me in many ways. I think it's so good for a person to get their thoughts out of their head. If anyone reads this, I just want to make it known that I don't mind if you comment on it. Another person's input is never a bad thing, even though these are my thoughts.