In light of current events, I find myself more and more confused. Confused about life, people, why and how things happen. In my manufacturing engineering class I cought myself wander off into my own thoughts instead of trying to follow my professors heavy french accent. I could still hear him but I had no idea what he was saying. For some reason all I was doing was looking at him wondering if he was going to die. Then I glanced around the room and my mind was filled with questions for everyone. All relating to death. I'm worried. I've never lost anyone in my life before Jamie. I've never experienced any type of grieving because of a loss with the exception of a few goldfish when I was younger. I'm an adult now. But I feel like I don't have my shit (thoughts and feelings) together. There is no composure. I am not calm. I don't understand life. Is the goal to be a good person, go to school, try to make a difference in the world or die somewhere inbetween? I'm numb except for a deep pain in my chest and sore eyes. I don't like talking about it because I feel like I can't say the words aloud. I can hardly say anything sometimes. Sometimes I think I'm fine and I'll start to sing along to a cd in my car but before I know it, I'll be choking on my own tears. Jamie, for you I would do anything. I wish I could hug you again. Hold you again. Laugh with you again. work at registration with you again. Dance with you again. Watch a scarry movie with you again like when we saw skeleton key and we saw mr jenkins and mrs warden... that was funny.. when you screamed really loud and we all got embarassed. wow I love you so much it hurts. I really wish you were here. You made a difference in my life. You brightened it up. Just like you did to everyone else's lives. I don't understand how you of all people could be taken from this world. This world needs you.