i love how my life can reach a plateau of shit and just when i think its at the highest elevation and i've figured out a way to climb down...something else explodes and catapults me to a new plateau with no warning. today i found out that there is a warrant for my arrest thanks to my dear dear bastard of a father. and also, as of 4:30 pm today my loan is written off as breach of contract, and they can take legal action with me. basically im fucked. when i finally find a job (which ironically i have an interview tomorrow) they will attach my wages, make it so i cant get financial aid, make it damn near impossible to live. people say im strong and i can do it. i've gone through much worse. yeah, i have but all that much worse is still there. and it just piles up and piles up. and just when i get comfortable enough to face the 700 mile high pile of shit it gets higher. the only thing i wanted for myself was education. why is that so hard to get. its fucking education. im not asking for gold bars, a mercedes, and a fucking mansion. im asking for FUCKING EDUCATION. right now im just in a low state of mind. by tomorrow i'll be back on auto pilot and keep fighting the ever growing pile of shit. because the only thing i have is my pride anymore. and i didnt work my ass off in school and work to fail. im going to fight till i win or fight till i die fighting. which ever comes first. i really cant wait to finally reach the surface. this constant force pulling me back is really starting to physically hurt me.

Hopefully this will pass the time as the melatonin kicks in. I really don't get it, 2 melatonin used to be an overdose for me, and 1 would knock me out in 20 minutes. Now, it's taking 3 to 4 hours to feel any type of drowsiness on 3 pills. And trazodone just makes me retarded. haha In recent news, there really isn't any especially in Hillsville. I did get Sharon a new cage today. It was 5 dollars at the flea market, It was for a bird i believe, but I made it work. I took the cage she was in peviously and cut a hole in the bottom and stacked them to give her double the room. She has 4 floors now. I don't really know why i got so attached to this rat, but I have, and I would do anything for her. haha I only had enough to buy coffee or food for her and i picked food for her. I feel like she doesn't get a balanced enough diet. I dunno. My AT&T pre-interview is on Tuesday, and I'm getting super nervous. I went on their site because they have some material to read to prep yourself, and it seems like a lot of work. And I'm more than ok with that, we all know i love a challenge, but then i got to thinking...this job is like...hardcore, and i dont half ass things, so i would be very absorbed in this job, learning all the things i need to to be top notch. thats just what i do. i would love that, but at the same time, i dont want to get so attached or involved that i lose sight of my goals. my goals are the whole reason im looking for a job. to pay off arcadia and get a place in pittsburgh so i can finish going to school. so...would i rather stress myself out like i know i will do, for 10.11, or....try to find two fast food jobs, or a cashier job....i really need to be focusing all my energy on my future. really spending my time thinking about what i want out of myself, not trying to keep all the newest changes at ATT in check. And ive really been jonesing for some creative time. ive got so much inspiration with everything thats going on in my life, and all the music ive been finding..... i dunno. im going to go the appointment on tuesday, and whatever happens, happens. im not going to purposely fail, but im not going to stress to the point of being sick. im going to go in with a clear mind and good intentions. and if i dont meet qualifications, i will start calling the places i applied to last week. i'd like to start working out again, i never felt more motivated than when i worked out every day. well, im going to try to go to bed now, its been 2 hours since i took 9 mgs of sleeping pills, and im still not anywhere near sleep, but hopefully if i lay down on the couch i will get drowsy. till next time, jessi

Well, needless to say, as the pattern of my life continues without any letup, I did not go to Ohio. Once again another hope, and another letdown. I was really hurt, and kind of maniacal. For some reason, every time something terrible happens I act like I didn't expect it. And then once I calm down, I realize, well, I should've seen it coming. So, since I haven't gone to Ohio, I've basically been at the apt or at my mom's house. Neither one is fun. I go to the apt so I can see everybody, and I wind up only hanging out with Wyatt and Jeff. Once or twice I got to see Jenny and Christina, and that was just because Jeff was going to hang out with them. Every day i was at the apt I got high. I didn't like that. It got to the point where I boiled all of Jeff's pieces to get the resin out, and then once we smoked that, We just lit the resin caked to the sides that we couldn't boil out. i burnt my damn lip doing that. It was fun at the time but once I came down from that delicious high I was disgusted with myself. I mean, during my highs I did a lot of heavy thinking an it kind of paid off, but it still doesn't validate it. I find that now, if i'm at one place for more than 4 days I get really antsy. Like I HAVE to be moving constantly or i'm going to be stuck there forever. Maybe i'm just going crazy. lol The good news is that I've devised some kind plan. It's a little sketchy, but it's a goal. I seem to have lost sight of my goals lately. On Monday i'm gong to be taking care of a lot of loan problems that having been weighing on me for quit some time and i'm also going to be raping the boardman strip for jobs. I know i have a really really awesome and intense pre interview with ATT but that could be a month before I get a yay or neigh. So, i'm going to take the first one that offer me a job. out of like....a shit ton of places. And if i so happen to get this job at ATT i'm going to go against everything i stand for and just leave the first place. Because i'm sick of seeing people just drift through life and just leave jobs and pick them up like nothing. i do everything responsibly and i BUST my fucking ass to keep a good reputation anywhere I go. And everything turns to shit. So i;m going to start a new approach that encorporates a little of my structure and a little of a fuck the world approach. i'm so done with trying to impress other people, and dong for other people. this is my time to really work on me no matter where i am. if i have to lay low at my moms and work 50 or 60 hours a week to pay off Arcadia and save up for my own apt in pittsburgh. then i'm going to do that. otherwise i'm oing to get nowhere, and i have to get out of new castle. it's just something that HAS to be done. i'm not happy here, i dont go out in public, i'm losing my friends slowly somehow, i just cant be here any longer than i have to be. and as far as my father is concerned, i don't have one. he stole my car, and bought an expedition. he i treating everyone like gold except for me. so whatever. i dont need him. i do miss layla and lane though. it really upsets me that i cant be there to watch them grow up. layla is getting so big. and i've only been gone for about a month. well, i took two melatonin so i can sleep through the night. i hate that i have to take sleeping pills to go to bed, and drink caffeine to be awake. it feels nice to word vomit. have a good day or night. i'll be back sometime soon.

So, I'm sitting in my room amongst many boxes bags and crates. It's really heartbreaking yet exciting all at once. I really didn't want it to end this way, but I know it's the right thing to do. Since I got home today I've cried I think about 5 times. The stupidest stuff will get me going too. I was crying while eating dinner. lol oh man. I've got way more stuff then I anticipated. It's crazy. I mean, I know I'm a packrat with sentiments, but geeze. in more depressing matters my dad found the title to my car before I did, so he cornered me. I had no choice but to sign it. What was I gunna do? I really hate fighting and drama, so I let him have his way. Doesn't it always work that way? I suppose I'm never going to get it back. I will be very surprised if i do. But I will be DAMNED if he gets my car AND the money I owe him. If he wont give me my car back, he's not seeing 1 penny from me. I'm kind of really bittersweet about the rest of it though. I'm really gunna miss jeff savannah layla and lane. like i'm tearing up just thinking about it. Layla and Lane don't understand why i'm leaving and its not fair to them. Layla lights up as soon as she sees me. and Lane loves listening to the Beatles with me. i really truely am going to miss those kids. But I know this is for the best. it has to be for the best. because theres nothing better here. nothing. i just pray to any God that will listen that I have the strength to get through all this. My head is a million places right now. I can't finish a single thought process, so I'm gunna go.

Well, I have no idea why I decided to make a SitDiary. it's always been Christina's thing to do this, but I figured...This is the beginning of a new chapter in my life. So, why not document it. I haven't documented something in a very long while, and I'm hoping that in 20 years when I look back on this time I can recall why the hell I did it. That's really all for my first post. I'm going to be spending time with Sam today because once I go back to my dad's it's pretty much no turning back from there. I will have one day to get everything out and hand him the letter that will most like ruin our already thin relationship. I'll be back tonight i'm sure, my head has been going nonstop since I left and I sure would like a release.