Well, needless to say, as the pattern of my life continues without any letup, I did not go to Ohio. Once again another hope, and another letdown. I was really hurt, and kind of maniacal. For some reason, every time something terrible happens I act like I didn't expect it. And then once I calm down, I realize, well, I should've seen it coming. So, since I haven't gone to Ohio, I've basically been at the apt or at my mom's house. Neither one is fun. I go to the apt so I can see everybody, and I wind up only hanging out with Wyatt and Jeff. Once or twice I got to see Jenny and Christina, and that was just because Jeff was going to hang out with them. Every day i was at the apt I got high. I didn't like that. It got to the point where I boiled all of Jeff's pieces to get the resin out, and then once we smoked that, We just lit the resin caked to the sides that we couldn't boil out. i burnt my damn lip doing that. It was fun at the time but once I came down from that delicious high I was disgusted with myself. I mean, during my highs I did a lot of heavy thinking an it kind of paid off, but it still doesn't validate it. I find that now, if i'm at one place for more than 4 days I get really antsy. Like I HAVE to be moving constantly or i'm going to be stuck there forever. Maybe i'm just going crazy. lol The good news is that I've devised some kind plan. It's a little sketchy, but it's a goal. I seem to have lost sight of my goals lately. On Monday i'm gong to be taking care of a lot of loan problems that having been weighing on me for quit some time and i'm also going to be raping the boardman strip for jobs. I know i have a really really awesome and intense pre interview with ATT but that could be a month before I get a yay or neigh. So, i'm going to take the first one that offer me a job. out of like....a shit ton of places. And if i so happen to get this job at ATT i'm going to go against everything i stand for and just leave the first place. Because i'm sick of seeing people just drift through life and just leave jobs and pick them up like nothing. i do everything responsibly and i BUST my fucking ass to keep a good reputation anywhere I go. And everything turns to shit. So i;m going to start a new approach that encorporates a little of my structure and a little of a fuck the world approach. i'm so done with trying to impress other people, and dong for other people. this is my time to really work on me no matter where i am. if i have to lay low at my moms and work 50 or 60 hours a week to pay off Arcadia and save up for my own apt in pittsburgh. then i'm going to do that. otherwise i'm oing to get nowhere, and i have to get out of new castle. it's just something that HAS to be done. i'm not happy here, i dont go out in public, i'm losing my friends slowly somehow, i just cant be here any longer than i have to be. and as far as my father is concerned, i don't have one. he stole my car, and bought an expedition. he i treating everyone like gold except for me. so whatever. i dont need him. i do miss layla and lane though. it really upsets me that i cant be there to watch them grow up. layla is getting so big. and i've only been gone for about a month. well, i took two melatonin so i can sleep through the night. i hate that i have to take sleeping pills to go to bed, and drink caffeine to be awake. it feels nice to word vomit. have a good day or night. i'll be back sometime soon.