I woke up to two texts this morning. One from Aaron, one from, yes, Jeff. The one from Jeff said, "out of time a day to remember" Let me insert the lyrics here. "I've never felt so sober I've never felt the way I feel tonight Your words made everything drag on, and on I finally found her, and when I did I just couldn't make things right Is this really happening, oh god I think I just ruined my life What the fuck am I doing? I can't tell the difference from wrong and right I can guess my decisions cause I haven't been this person in my whole life I think I need something new here When I keep longing for what I had No need for second opinions I do the best I can to ruin what I have come on Don't think you've got to go in alone here I've got nothing left to hide your dying just make up your mind I thought this was what you wanted Someone who gets everything right (Gets everything right) I thought this was what you wanted Someone to put you first in their life Cause we're running out of time Something just from the new year Hey, Hey, Hey It's a moment that's not as bad it's what's a part of my vision The optimistic me, so we can make this last but no You ruined my favorite records By singing them then I think of you [ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/out-of-time-lyrics-a-day-to-remember.html ]Thats just hope you remember All of the guilt inside, and I believed in you for once Don't think you've got to go in alone here I've got nothing left to hide Your time, just make up your mind I thought this was what you wanted Someone who gets everything right (Gets everything right) I thought this was what you wanted Someone to put you first in their life Cause we're running out of time Just know that it kills me When I hear anything to do with you You will see, oh believe me I need to be right where you are And know that I'm leaving, leaving And you won't hear for a year from now And this kills me. cause now I think that everything everything was about you I thought this was what you wanted Someone who gets everything right (Gets everything right) I thought this was what you wanted Someone to put you first in their life Cause we're running out of time Don't think you've got to go in alone here I've got nothing left to hide Your time, just make up your mind" I didn't even have his number saved in my phone. Jeff thinks Aaron is in jail. Good thing too. I'd rather have him not know things about my personal life. Yes, do I have hardly any friends because of him? Yes. I am rebuilding my self. Piece by piece. A new person with the help of my wonderful boyfriend who understands the brainwashing and pain and agony I've gone through this year. I'm not that 17 year old Virgin. That girl died. I'm 19, college student, independent, chubby, a bit of a punk, feminist, almost vegan, that doesn't give a fuck. I will let my muffin top hang out, my hair be unbrushed, my legs so unshaven, my hair color grow out so I have I think about three inches of roots now.... I'm in a better place.

I just had the most amazing conversation with him. He wanted me to tell him about this "strange feeling" I had. I believe it to be love. Actual love. I think he might possibly know. It scares me. I don't think he'll be able to ever feel the same about me :/ Yet, I still care about him so much. I can't wait to be in his arms finally. I can't wait to look into his gorgeous blue eyes. Ahhh. We spend 30 mins to an hour just making noises at each other and speaking nonsense. I love it! I have this feeling, in my heart. I think it might be, well you know. Gosh, this is insane! In other news, Ryan and I are pretty much BFFs. I love him too <3 I also ordered new jewelry and some holy butter and emu oil for my lobes. I can't wait to be at least at a 0g so I don't feel like stupid when I talk about stretched ears with Ryan. I'm currently taping my 6g to 4g.

"ruby, don't take your love to town" CAKE, "Sue" Your 33 Black Angels. So I'm canceling my Illionis trip, if I can. I'm so unsure. He's perfect, he really is. Things are going too fast. He reminds me of (jeff) the way he tells me I'm so amazing and gorgeous and how he'll never let me go. It's so adorable, but I don't know if he'll be able to move here. And me going there isn't really well, I might have to eat 300 dollars because of this. Aaron pretty much told me where I stood with him. He said he doesn't want to have to "compete" with another guy. He's right. I shouldn't be stringing him along...because the only reason I even considered Ryan as a possible choice was because it was convient....I couldn't break up with Jeff till I had someone else, I had to get him to a point where he wouldn't take me back- even though he was willing after I told him I had talked to Aaron. I told Aaron I didn't want to use him as my emotional crutch. He said that he would have been there for me. I feel so stupid for doing all this to myself and to other people and getting myself in this huge fucking mess. I just need to stop it before it goes any further, before he falls for me any more, before I dig myself a deeper Karma hole. I should have just broke up with Jeff, or STAYED broken up with JEFF, and stayed with Aaron. He would be here right now, and not going through everything he is right now. Urgh. So now, I'm spending ANOTHER 300 to see Aaron. I am hoping that the insurance I purchased on it will be good enough to get a refund back. Otherwise, I guess I'll have to eat it. I mean, the thing is, I fucked myself. And if I want Aaron, it's just money. I'm not going to give a hissy fit over 300 a miss another opportunity to be with him over three hundred dollars.