"ruby, don't take your love to town" CAKE, "Sue" Your 33 Black Angels.

So I'm canceling my Illionis trip, if I can. I'm so unsure. He's perfect, he really is. Things are going too fast. He reminds me of (jeff) the way he tells me I'm so amazing and gorgeous and how he'll never let me go. It's so adorable, but I don't know if he'll be able to move here. And me going there isn't really well, I might have to eat 300 dollars because of this.

Aaron pretty much told me where I stood with him. He said he doesn't want to have to "compete" with another guy. He's right. I shouldn't be stringing him along...because the only reason I even considered Ryan as a possible choice was because it was convient....I couldn't break up with Jeff till I had someone else, I had to get him to a point where he wouldn't take me back- even though he was willing after I told him I had talked to Aaron.

I told Aaron I didn't want to use him as my emotional crutch. He said that he would have been there for me. I feel so stupid for doing all this to myself and to other people and getting myself in this huge fucking mess.

I just need to stop it before it goes any further, before he falls for me any more, before I dig myself a deeper Karma hole.

I should have just broke up with Jeff, or STAYED broken up with JEFF, and stayed with Aaron. He would be here right now, and not going through everything he is right now. Urgh.

So now, I'm spending ANOTHER 300 to see Aaron. I am hoping that the insurance I purchased on it will be good enough to get a refund back. Otherwise, I guess I'll have to eat it. I mean, the thing is, I fucked myself. And if I want Aaron, it's just money. I'm not going to give a hissy fit over 300 a miss another opportunity to be with him over three hundred dollars.