I work SO much and SO hard. I feel ok. 70 ish hours? NO BIGGGIE. I don't EVEN care. Except all I do is work and sleep. I guess it is better than sleeping and sleeping. I still need to fix the house up a bit, but whatever. I think I'm getting good at Zumiez. Probably 2nd manager soon. We'll see. I may have sexed up a girl. Who had a boyfriend. I maybe didn't care. Fuckkkk I;m bored. I'm reading the Harry Potters. Im gonna try and knock out all of number 6 tonight and tomorrow night. 300 a night is easy peasy. I was so emberassed walking into borders and looking for it, it was insane. I've never been more emberassed in my life. I just got a degree in English, and this is what I'm OMG. My first book after graduation was HP 5, I'm going to kill myself. BUT, girls walked by and I was like, "I'm in the wrong section" when I was in the young adults section looking for it. I actually was! It is in the children's section. Fuck.

Well my trip home was sort of lame. My family made it worth while, but 80% of the time, 80% of my friends bailed. I know everyone is busy or has kids or whatever, but it still sucked. My puppy missed me SOOOOO much though. I'm gonna be gettign all her white hairs off my clothes for months. Got my car smog checked. 60$ didn't pass, got it diagnosed. 190$ Estimated repair cost. 650$ Worth of car. <900$ Selling it for 1000$ to the state and getting a bike and a bus pass. Life is gonna be good. I'm totally gonna get my body back this summer and next year. Gonna get super lean and all kinds of sexy. Then the ladies be lining up. Move in with Corbin soon. I'm staying there but still moving things over. Travis and Calvin moved out in a hurry, leaving the house fucking messy and filled with shit. "You're gonna have some extra responsibilities" more like "clean up our shit". Fuck thattttt deposit=mine

I feel funny. Jordan Related.

I graduate on Saturday. For the first time in ever, I wont be in school. I'm only taking a year off, but still. I don't think it has hit me quite yet. Tons of my family member are coming up, I'm excited. Then, after the party on Saturday, I'm making my way home for a week. Brent is tattooing me, and I'm going to see if I cna pull off one by Peter's cousin, and maybe one more. Then back up here, back to work, back to whatever it is I'm supposed to do. I have my last/first final tomorrow in french II, which I have yet to study for. Plus I have to turn in two stories for Fiction and Nonfiction, which I haven't started. No pressure though, I'm golden. I picked up my tassle today, felt weird in my hand. I am not at ALL where I thought I would be. Not a bad thing, but a very weird thing.

GOD DAMMIT. Alex quit Don Dehlia, so now my main "summer event" is cancelled. FUCK. I need to find somethign epic to do now. God dammit that was such a sweet plan.

I felt it coming back; in a matter of fifteen minutes I could feel myself ont he verge of going back into not being happy. I shoved 3 comedies down my throat and watched a bit of Californication. I might be okay.

I'm finally happy! GOD DAMN it took so long. I can still feel it, but I also feel like a lot of my depression is gone. It was SO bad for a while. It might have been my body figuring out how busy it was, and when it can and can't sleep, but FUCK. Finally. I'm so afraid it is going to come back that it actually scares me. Well, my buddies came up from Napa for the weekend, and it was epic. Highlights you ask? 1. Lord fornicating on our backyard deck at 3 in the morning 2. 5 edibles 3. Snuggling with Sorelle 4. Hookah in our sweet den we crafted from tents. 5. Not working on Easter 6. EVERY SINGLE SECOND It was awesome. Now I have to go back to school and DO shit? ROUGH. OH! On an amazing note, as soon as I stopped being a sad weirdo, I met a girl. Her name is Sorelle. It is going well so far, I dig her. We're still in the "just dating" phase, but I feel like it is going well. It is just really hard when MONTHS later I still think about Jordan and wonder how she is doing, and knowing she is trying to be with a guy who doesn't deserve her. I GUESS she should have made the better choice. UGH. SEE!? Now I feel kind of shitty. So a while back, someone left a little note for me on here, asking me to "be okay", and it had to be her right? Raise all my hopes, abandon me, then I fall into depression, then she pretends to care(if it was her), then when I ask about it she ignores me. I'M SORRY, FUCK. For how much she cries about people cutting her out of her life she is pretty damn good at it. No more about that, or I'll rage. Just listenin to music, illin it at work. My boss for Zumiez wants to tattoo me soon, I'm excited. a HUGE one on my thigh. I'm stoked. ok, I'ma do work.

Today was okay. Skipped class, again, but I think it was ok this time, because I had to work at Zumiez, then an hour break, then here. On that note, I did SO fucking good at Zumiez today. We needed to make 172 dollars between the two of us, we made 1500. I had a 440 sale, and overall made like 11.20 on commision, whch is dope. Tomorrow is one of my no sleep days. Exciting. So today was awful, for one reason. Well two. When I got off work at like 7:43 am, I couldn't shake the feeling that somethign was up with my little sister DeAndra. We are pretty much psychic twins, linked through MAGICAL MINDS of sacrasm and wit. I didn't want to wake her up though. Quirks don't like that much, well who doesn't though. So she texts me when I'm at work, and she had a horrible day. A pretty bad one. The worst thing for me is when bad things hapen to her, or when she is unhappy. Just not fun. So point of the story, me and her are psychic and the coolest siblings ever. Ummm yeah. forgot about the deadline for fake rosetta stone, due tomorrow at midnight. Fuck. This is lame. Got invited to a murder mystery speakeasy party. I'm playing a gangster, so cool. Um yeah.

Why can't I get happy, so annoying. I finally get someone to talk to, and she bails. I don't even care except now I have no one to text all day. I just need someone to communicate with constantly. I was at a super low point, then Carly came back around. I knew that it wasn't anything real at all, just killing time, but it felt really good. I was way less depressed (note not happy, less depresssed*). So she decided to do whatever, but I'm not gonna talk to her I guess. Then while I'm sitting here, Jordan is just chilling and getting cuter and trying to get with Michael. He is so dumb for not jumping at the chance. Anywayyyyy fuck them both. I am SO bitter. Which doesn't help much. I think it is one of those spirals that head downward; I for real don't know how to make it better. On a good note though, I got paaaiiiddd. So awesome. PLUS I get a paycheck from Zumiez on Friday! Double pay day woop! I can't get any tattoos though. I had to borrow money from my rents, which I hate doing, and it wouldn't be right to spend my money on something they disapprove of. I think I'm going to start paying them back instead. If I have this much spare money going on, I can give it to them. I just need to hold on to enough to cushion me just in case something happens. Ok. It is 3:25 and I am at work. So I am gonna go work.

Well. I work two jobs, full time in school, and yeah. Today I axctually got too much sleep for once. 10:30 am to 11:00 pm. Work starts at 11:00 pm so I was 30 minutes late. Because I had to run out the door, I'm wearing the damn sweatshirt Jordan made me. I'M NOT EVEN BITTER JK. I'm still on the fence about moving home. I want to pretty bad, but I'm not even sure why. I know if I live at home, I can get my body looking how I want it to again. I can see Brandon's baby all the time, see him, see Peter, Dan, Majdi, everyone. Ride muh future fixie all around town because there aren't hills every ten feet. I mean I guess I could do that up here too. Back home though I could probably make way more money, get more tattoos etc. Up here I'd make way less because of rent and shit. Plus, up here I don't have the see Jordan or Michael, which is pretty nice. HOLY SHIT. Chouji grew wings without takign the pills! He is gonna wreck some shit. 2 hours later and I am still on this page. I am suddenly having a rough night.

My life is so fucked. Two awesome jobs that take up way too much of my time. School that feels so incredibly pointless that it hurts. No one to share myself with. I'm working so hard to absolutely nothing. Jordan is with Michael, probably. I have to see this God forsaken tattoo every day. I'm alone in my house scared as fuck to go to sleep because I'm here alone and that freaks me out. Jordan is just living her life. Why does her living hers mean me dying in mine. I'm severely depressed for the first time I think. I've been really sad, but this puts the rest to shame. I sleep for either hours and hhours, or not at all. I find myself faking being happy because people are used to that Kiefer. The super happy nothing gets to him and he is always good to go Kiefer. I am so fucking low and I have no idea on how to fix it. I am drinking less. Although that is probably ebcause I am poor as fuck. I have to borrow and ask for money, and I hate that more than anything. I have 27 dollars to feed myself and get to work until my next paycheck, which is a mystery to me. I don't know when I get paid at either fucking place. I get off work at 9 am. Who else fucking does that? Then I go to school, get off and go to work. Sleep is a foreign idea to me. I wish I wasn't the kind of person who does better when they have someone, but I am. I like sharing myself with people. Everytime I think maybe I found something, it doesn't happen. Now I'm too afraid to engage myself with anyone, because past experiences lead me to believe I can trust no one in that regard. So I just sit here brain dead watching Casablanca over and over again. I don't know what I'm supposed to do really.

WOOOO. re-downloading all the Emery cds I lost, as well as one I don't have, and 1 I didn't know about. Oh man I just watched the saddest video on tumblr. I haven't cried in sooo looonngg. some badass with tattoos had to put his three legged dog down. He was crying and I was crying and I'm just glad my roomate didn't walk in. Emery is so damn radical. I made one of my special keys on my loop into a necklace with an old shoelace. I think I'm in love with it. If I ever get another girlfriend I'll make her one out of another good key. I really like my keys. I think it may be a fetish. Won't get hired at HT until December, but Angie the manager likes me and I sorta know some people, so this lady Katie who is the manager at Goldrush coffee was like, "yo i wanna hire someone" so Angie gave her my number. CONNECTIONS. Excited.

"but I heard somewhere there is a cure for useless eyes". Ugh I have like 6 pages of french hw to do, or maybe even 10. so it turns out the drinking game "wizards staff" is impossible. SO HARD. For my height it is like 17/18 cans, I got to 13 and it took ALL DAY. FUCK PBR. ok. hwksqhw

I am going to try and go insane. Checkmate.

DON'T JUDGE ME I CAN LISTEN TO ATREYU IF I GOD DAMN WANT TO. we may have found the dopest house ever, and the rent is only like 3 bucks more. PLUS IT HAS A WIZARDS LOFT. We are unsure who gets it yet. Plus it has a backyeard, and is a fucking HOUSE, and I get to sleep in my bedroom, alone, IN A BED. Our bodies are sore from this never ending sleepover. It is weird sitting on chairs or couches now. I can't seem to get 100% healthy. My throat is real mad at me for some fucking reason. All the weeeners probs. This weekend I'm supposed to get HELLA drunk, and try to explain the book 1984 coherently. I'm pretty excited. Then the next time, Travis is getting drunk and explaining a different book. Or movie. I donno if I wanna put this but I sexed a near-stranger. Pretty weird. Beign single is so weird/great/crazy. Pretty okay with it, mostly. Now I'm going to go play with Meghans animals.

Fuckkk. Just paid rent, I'm a little broke as fuck. My hair is getting so fucking long, but most people apparently didn't know the sides were short because I wear my beanier and hats so much. Kinda funny I guess. I bought a little book and a pencil and a pen to like doodle and write. So far, I've drawn one picture. Centipede man on roller skates. I finally fixed my bike and rode it to drop off rent, it was baller. Soon I'll go on a run, then two Y.E.S. house meetings, then open mic, hw, video games, and whatever time is left will be sleeping. I donno who I've been hanging out with but I haven't chilled with Mike and them for liek 2/3 weeks. Mostly new friends? I've been meeting a crazy variety of dangerous, insane, and rad people. Drug users? Check. Punks? Check. Funny as fuck people? Check. Man these kids I swear, so fun. I went to an Anarchist Book Fair meeting last night, kinda stupid. I don't know how I feel about them. Very unorganized, and I feel liek they just like the term Anarchist. My ears are lookin pretty rad. Ooh and my old resident KT gave me an AA hoodie, it is rad. BLUE. Me and Jordan got in a mini fight, but whatever. Everyone was right, I don't need to be concerned with what she is doing, she doesn't care about my feelings, so why should I care about her? Lindsay. Oh man that girl. I love how theres always a section about them in here. WELL, I finally have come to terms with being single for once. It really isn't that bad, apparently. I go out, meet people, and just dgaf. So far it has been rad, except now that I'm ok with myself and what-the-fuck-ever, girls are comin. Really lame timing, but Peter is proud HAHA. I haven't talked to my rents in a while, and they're camping so I can't call them. Weak. Brandon is in such a shitty position and I feel awful, but at the same time feel a twisted delight about it all. Him and Jordan man, that shit is rough. ON A BRIGHT NOTE, his babah is due in not too long. Trace. Trayce? I donno. So cool. At first I was freaked out when he called me a soon-to-be uncle, but now I'm stoked. Plus his promotion at work couldn't be any more rad. He makes over 20$ an hour! I miss my sisteeerr. I am now rambling. Pce.

I'm deciding on either a nape surface piercing, or a cheap lock picking kit. I am unsure which I want more. So went on a date with a girl, she wanted to do some drugs I haven't done before. not like HEROINE but just weird lame ones. I donno about her. On the women front, I hate everyone. It is very upsetting usually. The only two girls I have ever loved make me want to kill myself. That is a lie, but neither make me happy. They have both roughly done the same things actually, it is kind of funny. they both know how fucked everything is. I know the best solution is to move on, say to hell with both of them, but that is hard you know? I don't think I can ever stop hating Jordan, but that i what I said about Lindsay in the day. But how am I supposed to watch that dumbass fuck up her life for the 100th time. Jesus you think after Michael being the biggest bastard on the planet he could at least keep her on track for more than 20 minutes. Stupid stupid girl. Lindsay wont let this happen. It has been eight years, I'll be damned if I have to wait another eight. I haven't told her this, but she'll prolly read this, but I feel liek the back up plan. why the fuck can these girls say they love me and then do the things they do? One has to have the direct now, one wants the future, and both want the end? I'm not an ending to everything. I wont be here after you have all your shits and giggles. Hopefully I'll have someone who is willing to do everything with me. I'm not just a beginning, and I'm for fuck sure not just the ending. some girl will realize this and actually love me back. Both of these girls will be mad at me, but although all of us can be more mad, it can't get much worse. WE WILL SEE

It is fucking hard to update this with no internet connection at muh apartment. OH P.S. WORLD, have my own apartment. SO small, studeo, roomate. We def both sleep in sleeping bags. But I do love it mostly. Kinda lonely now but whatever. Ok. Once I have my own intetnet I will update more.

So a lot of things have changed. I am now couch surfing around HSU. I have school in the morning and I need sleep, but I wanted to update this. I think I might try doing it again, despite the fucked summer. OK night

So I had a nice long car-talk with dan, as usual, and I am not mad at Jordan or Michael. It is whatever. In fact, I think I can be nice. If I see her around I'm going to say hi and al that jazz; I wish her the best. Him a little less, but her, everything is okayish. Back to 1000 applications.