everything is going to hell and theres nothing i can do to stop it. no joke. this weekend was straight though. plus i got kicked out of tastees. who else can say that really? well the people i was with can i guess but they don't count.... anyway today has been one of those days. you know the days where everything just seems to piss you off for no reason. i havent written in a while because my computer went to shit and we had to send it in to get it fixed, which took long enough. this entire week has been super lousy. im not even on my rag or anything... its just sucky... i think im gaining wait. i don't kno i just look fatter for some reason. i've tried going on a diet but i don't know its not helping any... maybe im doing something wrong or still eating too much im not sure. but i really feel like im turning into a blob. maybe its stress or something. ivew had planty of that lately. everyone at school could tell something was wrong with me today. i tried to talk and be myself but it just wasn't working i just wasn't in the mood for people today and everyone noticed. the thing is all family problems and i don't want people involved. im not one of those people who will dump all of their problems on other people. and if i seem upset while im talking to you don't insist on finding out whats wrong. usually if i want to talk to someone while im pissed its more often then not to get my mind off of things not go over and over them with everyone i know. so i'll write whats wrong here so that everyone who cares can read for themselves and no one has to bother me with questions. and if i seem like a bitch for it im sorry i really don't mean to be its just i'll talk when im ready and willing to.... but anyway for those who are curious... here it goes.... my mom is nothing short of a nazi shes such a ... buzz kill i gues... and everytime i make plans or ask to do something she gives me this weak ass excuse as to why i cant. and im treated like im 5 and im sick of it. i really am. i want to be able to go out on friday AND saturday if i want to. and actually be able to spend the night at someones house with out having it planned days ahead of time and i want to actually be able to stay at my friends house past 10 in morning the next day. thats not so ridiculous is it? i mean its not like im irreponsible or this huge pot head or i have terrible grades or something. she has no reason to keep me home all the time like this. i thought that maybe it was a responsibility issue so this year i joined the volleyball team. ive gotten much better grades than usual, ive even been moved to all honors classes, i went and got a job thinking that would make her view of me change, but nothing has worked, i still have a bed time for fucks sake.... im 15! what is that!?!? she thinks im part of the reason my brother is a little asshole. she doesn't see that he pushes and pushes because he knows she'll let him and won't kick his ass like it needs to be kicked. she doesn't underdstand why he behaves at my dads house but not here. its because my dad doesn't put up with his crap like she does. my dad will kick my brothers ass if he needs to to get his point across, hed kick my ass too, not to the point of child abuse or anything don't get me wrong but he won;t stand for anything less than the respect hes owed and all my mom has to do is stand up to the kid for a change... start being tough on him instead of me... at least shed have a reason for that... ive seriously been thinkging about moving back to new york to live with my dad because i know hes not ridiculously strict... but i can't rite now because there are things going on there that i can't say because he asked me not to say anything (nothing illeagal or anything just personal family buisiness) but i kno it'll come out soon anyway. theres just been issues between him and my stepmom and i probably won't be going there this summer. i'll miss my dad so much though... and my step brother i love him even though i hate him sometimes... him and his mom are my family now and i don't want anything to be wrong with my family or anyone i love... im just like that... but im stuck here untill things get solved there... and theres nothing i can do about either situation and it sucks.... my whole life is slowly going to hell... i feel bad calling my issues with life problems because i know that there are so many more people wtih real problems that have seriously fucked up lives and everything is against them and i wish i could help. all my problems seem so petty when i think about it. they always take the back seat when some else i care about has an issue... maybe i should stop caring about others for a little bit and work on my issues or once... or would that make me even more selfish?.... i just don't know any more.... im off to new york a.s.a.p...... put me in a wheelchair and get me to a plane, hurry hurry hurry, be fore i go insane...