I will write this down for you So you can read it I will hold my breath for you Till I can't feel it And I don't care if you don't love me And I don't care if you don't change And I could live inside the shadow that I cast for you If it meant that you would stay And I'll be home before the morning comes, You won't have to be alone Oh love, I'm tangled up again Oh love, when does this twisting end? When does this twisting end?

doesn't it seem funny, how soon you did forget All the words have now lost their weight I remember. Desperation, devastation All I truly know Is isolation Self damnation All life that I'd own was shed and worthless now. What I knew was wrong One who lived is gone Guess it was just an echo When you would sing my song I can hate myself more... more than anyone will you join me? i know that you know that this tourtures me. have i created this suffereing? show me! Or do you happily let it deepen to sever what's left inside, that binds me.

..tay well update of life.. im renting a room from nicoles house right now or part of one anyway and thats kinda good hopfully i can stay there long enough to save some money my car tottally broke down now and i have to get a loan and get a new used car ..which im excited about but at the same time sux haha i still am a huge loner and kinda have no friends due to my lack of judgment during my last two years of high school and it completely ruining me but i think im starting fresh ..although very slow. do i deserve a second chance?? its hard not to dwell on anything i did wrong cuz i feel so dumb and i want to fix it all! but we cant just do that now can we? anyway i got a job at wells fargo which is still new but its going to be very good i shoudl start school in january and be back on track so basically besides the stressful money or lack of situation and zero% social life which may i say thos can both be fixed with time.. my lifes ok. im happy that im alone which is a great step. um. i dono im just going to try and be better now. also i donno if i just suck with the being able to have a best friend thing or maybe just cuz im stressin right now about money and ish but nicole and i havent been on too good of terms lately either : / ..but nuthing horrible haha so i know no one reads this but if anyone happens to im really improving! and im so sorry for how i ever was. annnnd i know its not fair to ask you to bare with me but eventho im doing good other things are overwhelming so please dont mind me if i seem scatter brained! thank you :)

la ti da ti da ..i hate when nuthing is for sure its hard to plan your life out on that

find me someone amazing already pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez

im more than half asleep but here this goes... i have this weird thing...or i do this wierd thing?.. its like sum kind of theraputic self destructiveness or self inflicted pain..i donno i cant think but anyway you know how some people cut themselves like they dont actually want it but at the same time they crave it [the pain] thats how this feels like i crave negative attention...i "like" when people hate me get it i like feed off of it ...crave negativness i donno if its cuz i like feel like i deserve it actually i tihnk that is it you know i think i dont deserve something so i put my self in certain situations sumtimes...only sumtimes and only with certain peopel where i know whats goign to happen i know that its going to be negative i mean really i dont like it it tears me up but i guess this kind of saftey wall deal...i like it..and i hope that person does hate me and ill feed off it to make them hate me more untill ive had enough of it from that person. then ill just stop and itll all not even matter to me...ill take as much negativness as i can or as i "need" then im done with you this sucks cuz sumtimes ill actually be attatched to that person..but i never want to be vunerable to real hurt so its already too late for me maybe the kind of safety where i know if you hate, dont like, me whatever it is then i know you dont know me you cant and wont know me so therefor im not vulnerable im safe from any real hurt? i guess this is all just thoughts isnt that sad? to crave negative attention.

things are fine no family tho i think i am being a better person if that counts please think about me i want to be in your heart always, you know ..your mind a few times too i actually want and like being single right now...weird? i have two jobs now...yay money i like clubs especially buzzed woo hoooo dance dance nicole number 1 lifes going fast

"but you think about yourself too much and you ruin who you love."

tonight turned out really fun bought glowy glasses and wore them yea everyone looked at us crazy haha rode a motorcycle and jumped on a trampoline with drunk people ...sooooo funny but of course never fails someone had to bring up me being "crazy" maybe one day youll all get over it like real people? who cares "i want twist with cranberry" o man nick was so fun lol and of course nicole!...must do again

i havent been going to school and im suppose to graduate in a week almost...oopsie i got my ears periced again.. no big dealio my car got towed the other day .. that really sucked...300dallors eek but im over it now hurmmm im 18.. O! i might go sky diving at the end of july sweeeeeeeeeeeet you! please forgive me and talk to me already arent we adults now? ha so yea..

prom tomarrow woo hoo fun time tonight was lame : / i really wanted to go out o welly my new gay friend moved to a different store ...sad i miss internet because i cant dl any music ...sad x 10 do you like who youve become? my favorite story ever in the whole world is the little prince i want to meet someone who understands things like that and from that piont of view. im hungry run along now.......... -the pondering list- will you ever miss me? where will i end up? will i ever feel that again? do any of you now mean anything to me? will he ever attempt anything from the heart again? will my mom ever be out of debt? will my sister stop being a dumb ass and listen to someone? why is my dad the way he is? why doesnt god help him? will we ever feel like family again? will any of you realize that you never did know me? will any of you realize how selfish you are? will we die like this? will we live like this? why do these things happen? why do i feel like peeing is such a waste of time? why am i so freaking bored that im writing everything that comes to mind? dance party dance party you never cared that you lied to me

prom saturday yay got my dress and stuffy :) i might get my first 'tat' on sunday wooooo i love nicole mannnnnnnnnnnnnn i recently made out with someone whos like my brother and ...weird i missed church two weeks in a row...sad :( hung out with brain and boys this weekend it was funny p.s. NEVER drink cheap cheap vodka i got new shoes that i loooove i just look down and am like yay you dont love me and i dont care...this is good one month of high school omg im sooo happy and im going to a 4 year i think...who would have thought?? even thoguht i dont want to see or talk to a lot of people i still want like an update of everyones lives its just interesting ...i still have no internet : (

hes fun i have a job at a shoe store!! woo hoo all of you are gay and have no clue about life...stay away i love nicole and allie x 10 still no internet yet prom coming up boat trip vegas trip maybe high school is over

ill have internet soon i swear!

i start school tomarrow...boo i like being able to do whatever i want each day ..im so glad high school almost over . yay! im getting my hair cut on thursday or friday and im soo excited!! cuz i need one bad and its free last night i was pretty funny i wish who ever reads this could have seen me. too bad i went to sleep like right after tho. i love nicole we had like a photo shoot in the car haha. i burned like 15 cd yesterday too so that made me feel good. hurmmm im hungry

i get to be myself again. i have met so many new people in the last two weeks and its very cool because none of them know any of the friends who know my mistakes and so they cant have someone influence their opinion on me and thats awesome because i dont go in already thinking i dont have a chance. which equals no drama only fun! someone wasnt there when i really needed them right before i was leaving and that really sucked. i have no idea what happened and its kind of ironic because someone did the same thing to them already. so you would think that they would do it differently. and this is not bad its just better not to say names. spring break was fun. best part was the beach camping attempt! im desperatly looking for a job right now. family ordeal and all is still horrible. im going to get a kitty bitty! i love my put put car and id die without it. id also die without nicole who is thee best person when you look closer.thanks for being there for me when others werent. allie is still here like i always knew she woudl be...its awesome to have a friend like that..and now i have two! i still want to go to OCC..i dono whats going to happen thurr i could very well move back to the oc later. i know a bunch of people are glad that im gone and i dont give a shit! so thats sweet. because its better to get away from people who wont give you a second chance. for all the nosie people... i can honestly say i hate him now! so be satisfied. hurmmm there was so much more to say but its left my head.

isnt it funny how you end up becoming exactly what you never wanted to be

i hate you i dont see how you cant find it in you to do this to me so many times so many damn times god you kill me but i guess its ok because your fine right i hate you

i woke up late and looked like shiiiiit today but the day went by super fast... all these last days are. but today was overall pretty good becaus ei got some awesome things from the 99cent store and got to eat at my favorite sandwich/bread place watched fifty-first dates finally and i thoguth it was good and funny :) hurmm...met someone new annnd laughed a lot so that definately out weighs the looking like shit, being weak again, annnd the rain. ... fair DOES matter because if it doesnt at all then you never stopped loving me that way. im so very glad that i met you but i really hope i never see you again. ... i havent talked to really or hung out with julie in forever and im not quite sure what to do about that but i guess not a lot she seems to be fine tho i guess drifting is better than pushing ... i love candles..does anyone know that? oo i just remembered that i bought a see's chocolate bar and never ate it...thats a plus for tomarrow : ) ... i need to find myself. im a wreak..i mean way better but i still need to and i dont even know where or how to start really, this is hard.

uno mas semana yo quiero va a la playa..la dia es muy bonita. this year has flown by so fast..and its not because i was having fun...i wonder how it does that so weird.. i feel like i was spacing out the entire time. todos los cosas was falling down around me. i wish i could sing good thatd be an awesome talent to have after friday ..goodbye esperanza. i really hope i get a job quick becaus ethe loger it takes the longer im actually stuck in that spot that whoudl be a little overwhelming