im more than half asleep but here this goes... i have this weird thing...or i do this wierd thing?.. its like sum kind of theraputic self destructiveness or self inflicted pain..i donno i cant think but anyway you know how some people cut themselves like they dont actually want it but at the same time they crave it [the pain] thats how this feels like i crave negative attention...i "like" when people hate me get it i like feed off of it ...crave negativness i donno if its cuz i like feel like i deserve it actually i tihnk that is it you know i think i dont deserve something so i put my self in certain situations sumtimes...only sumtimes and only with certain peopel where i know whats goign to happen i know that its going to be negative i mean really i dont like it it tears me up but i guess this kind of saftey wall deal...i like it..and i hope that person does hate me and ill feed off it to make them hate me more untill ive had enough of it from that person. then ill just stop and itll all not even matter to me...ill take as much negativness as i can or as i "need" then im done with you this sucks cuz sumtimes ill actually be attatched to that person..but i never want to be vunerable to real hurt so its already too late for me maybe the kind of safety where i know if you hate, dont like, me whatever it is then i know you dont know me you cant and wont know me so therefor im not vulnerable im safe from any real hurt? i guess this is all just thoughts isnt that sad? to crave negative attention.