I had another monster dream again. But, first, let me start from the beginning. I was at school and I wasn’t making it to any of my classes. Someone found out so I had to escape off of campus. As I was leaving I saw a beautiful peach colored horse and it reminded me of how I use to ride horses. I wanted her so much, but I couldn’t afford to keep her. So, this other said that she could take her in. I saw her riding the horse and I was so jealous, because I wanted to do that to. The horse was so sweet to me. It nudged me and gave me kisses. Since the lady was going to take the horse home with her, so I asked if she would give me a ride home as well. She agreed, so I went with her. We stopped off at a pit stop to get some gas. Here she decided that she didn’t want the horse so she gave it away. I was saddened, because I knew that I was never going to see the horse again. While we were stopped at the gas station, the car all of a sudden broke down. So, we had to camp up there with her that night. Later, that evening her car started to work, but she said that she couldn’t give me a ride home, because it was so far. So, I was stranded in a strange place and I wanted to go home. Some man suggested that I take the bus, but it would come out to 236 or 276 dollars and that was too expensive. But, I finally found someone to take me home. It was someone that I thought I trusted, but they quickly turned into a monster. We went back to his place and I remember being in his closet. I had some of my possessions there, but he got angry and violent. He started throwing my things off the shelf to make room for his stuff. I tried to move that back to a place on the floor out of the way, so he wouldn’t see it. Then the same man, but he wasn’t a monster came and helped me to hide my stuff. Then he turned back into a monster again. He put me on the top shelf like he did with his other things and tried to eat me out. I was so much littler than him. I didn’t want him to and I struggled against him. He was trying to take off my clothes and pull down his pants. I was scared and I felt a nail file behind me and I thought I could stab him and make him go away. But he had a much bigger knife and he started cutting into me. It hurt so badly and I knew I had to stop him, so I stabbed him in the eyes with the nail files. He screamed and backed away from me, but he was still alive. So, I tried to ram the nail file into his heart, but it was too small and it wouldn’t go in all the way. The monster got up and ran and hid. So, shaking I had to find him before he found me. I found the blade that he had and it looked more like a nail file saw, or something, so I picked that up and went to find the monster. I searched in all the rooms of the house. It was dark and there were so many rooms open. I kept jumping around expecting him to grab me from behind. Finally, I found him. He was in this room closest to the front door, between a bedroom and the kitchen. He was cornered between the two rooms. I came up behind him and I knew I had to decapitate him so I started sawing away at his throat. Then a funny thing happened. I heard someone coaxing me on how to saw off his throat. I assumed it was the monster, because there was nobody else around. I got to the spiny bone part of the neck and it started giving me some problems. So, I had to rip and twist the bones with my bare hands. Then the monster or the invisible person started telling me that I had to rip my way down to the arms. If the monster didn’t have arms, I would be safe. So, I started cutting away at the arms and ripping and tearing at his bones. Finally, the monsters arms were cut off. Now, it was my time to escape. I saw that the monster wasn’t moving, but I didn’t know if he was going to come back and get me. I started running to each of the rooms, trying to find what belonged to me. I had some many things that I wanted to keep, but I couldn’t take them all with me. So, I found some things, a phone, some car keys, a wallet, another wallet with some money in it, but I couldn’t find my id. How was anyone going to be able to tell who I was if I didn’t have an identity? I saw a jacket and I put it on, but I kept putting it on backwards. All the while I also saw my cat. I tried to take him with me. But, he was scared and he kept running from me. My jacket was still on backwards, I couldn’t seem to put it on right. I chased the cat all around the house. Then there were more cats, staring at me, and now it was hard to find the right cat to bring with me. I couldn’t leave it there in the house, but now there were so many. People started to come then, more monsters or zombies. They were coming for me. The started to reach for me, but someone else jumped out from beside me. It gave me a perfect chance to escape. They no longer came after me, because they thought that I was one of them. Next… I wake up.

Cutting myself with an invisable razor. It's not real. Imagining my pain seeping out with my blood. This is my mental mirage. It's helping to alleviate the mental and emotional anguish I feel. I'm tired. Oh, so tired of making excuses for another person. Why should I have to suffer in light of someone elses weakness. In light of their darkenss? It's not fair! I did not ask for this, so why am I being punished? Do not be mislead. I am not seeking sympahty. I am simply seeking an end to all this misery. I wish it would all go away. Why did you hurt me? I was young then...innocent. I didn't deserve it. I'm struggling to remain strong, but at what expense? So, that you can hide behind the shadows guilt free? So, that noone can know of your deviance, but me? No. No! I will not have it be. I wish I could cast your reflection onto thee. Where's my weapon of destruction? The dagger... the phalice... intrusively ripping into your essence... Cutting away at your innocence, your trust, and the thing that creates a naive belief that love is suppose to hurt? Why? Why did you do this to me? Why must I suffer and carry the guilt born of your sins? When will it end... this internal torture? I'm can no longer pretend that everything is okay. Because, it's not. There are so many fragmented peices of me. I am so utterly thankful that they were there, when nobody else was, sheilding me from the storm. Collectively, we make a stronger person...but...it still hurts. I am you and you are me. I owe you my all, the ones that make up we. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being there for me when nobody else was. Because, of you... I no longer feel alone.

Oh, man. I had a really strange and fucked off dream last night. It started off interesting, but... Well, let's just get to the weird part. So, I was running. I guess it was a marathon or a race, because I was surrounded by other girls. We were running though the mountains and the roads were winding. It reminded me of Colorado. (I only went there twice and it was driving through.) So, in my dream, I need to break away from the pack of girls and find a bathroom. But, first I wanted to know how long it would take them to make their way back around to me so I could continue running with them. I guess I didn't want to feel stranded or alone. The said a serious of times, but settled on eight minutes. So, I break through the race of people to the left where I see a trail. It felt like swimming against the tide. I finally broke through careful not to get run over and I proceeded up the path. It was beautiful, lush and green. There was a magnificent house posted up on the hill. I see this old woman knitting in her rocker. I ask her if I could use her bathroom. She informed me that the easiest way to the house was to go back down to the road and around to the bottom. I didn't want to do all that so she offered me another alternative. She lead me around to a secluded area and said, "Or, you could just drop your pants and handle your business here. It's private enough so no one will see." I walk through this beautiful archway that lead to a little hide-a-way. I pass by and see some cute furry bunnies happily munching on the grass. I calmly make my way into the private area as the lady escorted me. As, I broke into the clearing I noticed that there were people in a series of cages all linked together. They were hanging from the top. Then I noticed some skeletons from where people died in the cage. At, first I was amused, because this place didn't seem or feel very threatening. So, I laughed and said, "Why are all these people in cages?" When I turned around I saw that the woman was pursuing me. She had a huge amount of needle and thread in her hand. I assumed that she was going to wrap me up or bind me with it. I felt cornered and trapped. I went to go around her and leave, but then a man broke through the clearing to stop me. I struggled against them both in order to make my escape. Just then it went to a bird eye view and I saw the pack of females running back up the hill towards me. I started screaming at the top of my lungs, "Someone please help me. I'm over here. They have me trapped and they won't let me go." No one came though. I struggled and pulled with all my might. During the process I managed to inch my way out of the secluded area. I finally made my way back through the trail and broke through the clearing into the road. When that happened there was like a mini explosion from the people clashing into each other. A girl was ripped apart, mangled and bloody and she died. I woke up then. To use the bathroom. LOL = D Afterward, I went back to sleep and the dream picked up right where it left off. Instead of running with the pack I went back to the place that filled me with terror. I guess to confront my fears. I morphed into a black panther and went after the lady. I lunged at her throat and ripped her apart piece by piece. I growled savagely and looked for the man, but he was nowhere to be found. I knew that I needed to clean the blood off my face and my hands so that no one would notice. I heard the pack of people making there way up the road, again, just like before. I morphed back into human form, wiped the blood in my hair (I dunno...I'm a redhead) and started running with the people again. This time I was running ahead of the pack. I turned around and looked back at what was a crossroad. I saw the pack of woman running towards me, but then I saw another pack of woman running towards the small intersection. They were about to crash into each other just as before, but I saw the potential danger and was able to warn them. Just as I thought they were about to crash against each other, they harmoniously danced past each other. I turned back around and continued running back the way I initially came (from the beginning of the dream) I turned to my left and saw a girl running beside me. We were coming up on another crossroad and I didn't know whether to go right or left. They girl went left so I followed her. I look back to see if the rest of the women were following us, but I wasn't sure if they decided to go right. I keep on running. The girl and I, we finally make our way around the mountain. As we turn right we come across a small town. Just then a big bottle of perfume comes out of the sky and a huge hand starts spraying its scent on us. I hear the girl say, "Someone has a secret admirer..." Horrified, I turn to look at the girl and I felt like the evil that I was trying to escape was still with me. Just then she says, "I've been running with you this whole time. I am your twin." So, then I decide to run on ahead away from this girl, away from my twin. I make my way around the winding roads. I head to the right around the mountain and it goes to birds eye view again. I see myself running down what appears to be a highway surrounded by highways. I am the only person running on my highway, all the cars are cruising down the other highway. But, the thing is that the other highways in deep into a ravine. The ravine is steep and I feel like there isn't any way I can get down there and survive. And even if I do, I could be hit by the speeding cars. I finally, see and indentation that I could make my way down in. Now, 3 weird things happened at the same time. (1) I saw myself making a call for help on a payphone. (2) I saw three huge bunnies eating the, I don't know, the evil force...? And (3) I saw a swarm of police cars and policemen at the scene of the crime. So, from my suspended view in the sky, I believed that it was finally over. The next thing I know, I guess, I make it home or something. The house doesn't look familiar and the people who are supposed to be my family don't look familiar, but I just assume that it is home and these people are my family. Anyway, I'm welcomed home and I'm a little hesitant. I'm greeted warmly and informed that there is a surprise for me. They open up a door and I cheer excitedly because I see that it's my uncle (but it was a stranger). They tell me that they have another surprise and they open up another door that was behind the door they already opened. I cheer and say, "It's my aunt!". (I don't have any aunts). Then they tell me that I have another surprise. So they open up a door that was behind that door, again. I cheer and say, "Grandma and grandpa!" (But, my grandma and grandpa passed away.) Then they tell me I have another surprise, but I need to walk through the door. The doors just kept coming. But, I decided that I wanted to go out this other door that I saw. That I believed lead outside. I open the door to go outside and it leads me back to the same room I was already in. I feel trapped, so I try to go out another door expecting that the same thing was going to happen. But, instead a garage door opens and I'm standing in this huge lawn. It was night time. The people who were supposed to be my family yell, "Surprise." Then they told me that I need to stop running away from them. They said that they were never going to go away, so I should stop fighting them. Just then, I guess they were going to do something that was against me will, but I was finally able to stop them. In my dream, I was waking up from the dream so to speak. I didn't morph into a black panther or anything. My supposed family tried to morph into different people to (I don't know) trick me or get me to do something that I didn't want to do; but they couldn't. They stood on one side and I stood on the other. It was no longer them against me. Different people started to materialize on my side of the field. One after another they popped up and stood by my side. It was like my own personal army that I created. My supposed family asked me, "How can this be?" I told them, "I have been working on this for over a decade..." They stood by shocked. I realized then that I gave those people (the wanna-be-family) jobs or titles. One was supposed to represent a father figure, another an aunt figure, and so one. I went up to one lady who looked like nothing more than a school girl. One that I might be friends with. I asked her who she was supposed to be. She answered, "My grandmother." And just like that, she turned into an old lady and I was able to see her for what she really was. Then, I went up to this man and said, "How could you take advantage on such a sweet innocent baby? She would lay in your arms hungry, crying needing to be fed and you would nurse her without any substance. No milk and nourishment would go to her. And you would do this all night long." And then I woke up. Um, what the fuck?? Some dream... Pretty, fucking strange isn't it?? Lol.

I am never, I repeat NEVER, going to stay up for a full 24 hours again. Not unless I can help it. I finally got around to falling asleep at 2:00 p.m. I was asleep for no more than 45 minuets when I was ATTACKED! I woke up gasping for air. My heart was racing and pounding out of my chest. I went to get up, but my head was ringing. My body was numb and shaking. I staggered toward the closet and in a stricken panic I thought that I was dying. My first thought after that was to call 911. I wasn't sure what was happening to me. My mind was sluggish and disorientated as I reasoned to call my brother. I haven't felt so scared in so long. I was afraid to lay back down...afraid to close my eyes...afraid to fall asleep... Upon speaking to my brother he assured me that he was going to come get me. I had enough sense to take a shower and get ready. I felt like I was on the brink of passing out. Some people may think that this wasn't a good idea, but I decided to take a shower. Water, has always had a calming effect on me, especially when I desperately needed to "ground" myself. Sure enough, when I got out of the shower I felt a LITTLE bit better, but, not much. At least the fear of dying was slowly starting to subside. My mother arrived at the door and asked if I was okay. I said that I wasn't very sure. We both proceeded down to my brothers vehicle and got in. He asked me if I wanted to get dropped off at the house, because my mother was going to check out some senior citizen living apartments. I was terrified of being left alone, so I agreed to tag along. After the application process, from which my mother was approved, and after the tour of the apartments we headed back to my moms place. I fell asleep on the couch, watching Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets, around 6 p.m. I woke up off and on, but I really got up around 9:30 p.m. and awaited getting picked up by my love. Once awake, I was still disorientated. I felt slow and dumbed down if that makes any sense. I arrived back at our place, but felt too restless to lie down. I told R that I was going to check the mail. He was a little against it, but I assured him that, oddly enough, I found the ritual of checking the mail to be relaxing. I left the house staggering into the night. The night was slightly windy and I enjoyed the breeze on my face. I started thinking about the events that transpired that day. I thought of how scared I was. Then I envisioned a complete stranger going through the same ordeal as I. I imagined a female looking up into my face with her eyes stricken with panic. Then I saw myself reaching out for her and, in a sincere strong voice, telling, "It's okay. I'm here for you." Right then and there a large a leaf hit me right in the chest. It didn't trickle down gently or skip into my arms. It knocked me with enough force to loose my train of thought and look down towards what had so completely taken me off guard. It was then at that moment I felt g-d so completely. It was the ultimate reminder that I wasn't alone and that the GREAT LOVING DEVINE, as I like to call g-d, was always there for me. I could never be alone. There is no way that I could be apart of that source. G-d is just as much apart of me as I am of g-d. The ironic reality is no matter what the situation is that makes people feel fear (whether it be a phobia, an illness, saying hello to the new, or saying goodbye to the old, even when someone knows that they are dying) they all wish the obvious... Not to be alone and to take solace in knowing that at least one person is standing by their side. Now I can see the ultimate truth in my experience. It was a very much needed test of faith. It was a welcomed reminded that during my darkest hours, its okay if I don't see anyone standing by my side. I know and I feel with every ounce of my soul that g-d is always there for me. It's very easy to forget that though. If you can't see it, hear it, taste it, smell or touch it with our humanistic senses. It's very easy to forget we can feel through our soul. I kept the leaf and put it on my alter as I reminder of this. Blessed Bliss.

Oh yes... bubba-bay-beh! I am so freaking stoked that this damn laptop is working again. Man, oh man. You wouldn't believe what happened. Um...okay, well maybe you might. On an average day, many moons ago, (approx. around my last post or such) I was running to this computer. My excited little feet were rubbing against the carpet. I reach out towards the laptop to begin my writing ritual, when out of nowhere the computer shocked the shit out of my finger. Or did I shock the shit out of the computer? Hmmm. It's one of those annoying riddles like, "What came first the chicken or the egg?" Anyway, exactly right after that, the computer just turned off. Just like that. And now its working. Huh, talk about hybernating. Um...yes. Okay, so it's like 8 in the morning and I haven't been to sleep. Ahhh. Damnn, I haven't done this in a long time! I just finished burning a cd for my love and it is so "choice". Okay, I should probably take my ass to bed now. Must Empty Bladder! I will catch up later. La-la-la-love ya! One.

Well, here I am chilling at the computer lab. Whew, it's been a loooong time, my friend. R's laptop broke down, so I haven't really had access to the Internet as of late. School is finally finishing up for me. Yay! I have an assignment for psychology that was like due on the 6th. So, that means I have to bust ass to get a good D. (They knock down a grade for each day you are late) Speaking of the 6th, did you know it was my birthday? Whoo-hoo, I am the big... none of your business. Tee-hee. It was fun. I got a nice cozy green throw blanket with a couple of fuzzy scarves. The others, I didn't like, so I am returning them. R and I went out to eat at a restaurant slash bar lounge. The food was alright. It wasn't the greatest. I was craving some wild caught halibut, but the other restaurant I wanted to go to was having a private holiday party. Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I was a little pissed off at the hostess. The rude bitch didn't even have the decency to acknowledge me. Talk about poor customer service. You better believe I filled out one of those "Tell Us About Your Experience" card thingies. The waitress was cool enough. So no foul there. I love the lounge area in the bar. The cocktail waitresses wore these very classy long black dresses that had a slit up the leg. The best part about the experience was getting to sit next to the indoor fireplace that was surrounded by topaz water. The contrast of the fire and the florescent lights were amazing! I had the best glass of champagne there. *Yummy* Let's see, what else...? Oh! The tenants are finally gone!! Hell fucking YES!!! Okay, well they aren't completely gone. There are still some things I think that they have to take care of. But, I swear in a matter of like days they will be (Justine Timberland, take it away...) GONE! And then I'm going to change the locks and my phone number. Good luck moving forward on the next stage of your life. NOW, KICK ROCKS BITCH!! Apparently, Jesse has some issues with alcohol that took a turn for the worse. IMAGINE THAT?!(Sarcasm, of course.) He became pretty depressed and self destructive. He mentioned wanting to jump start his mouth with a shotgun. *What a lovely though* Shortly before that we found 4 guns in his possession. 2 glocks, a colt revolver and a semi automatic mini machine gun. At least it looked like that. Oh, he did have the barrel of a sawed off shotgun, as well. Ahem. Did I mention that the lease agreement stated "No Guns"? Man, what a fucked off degenerate. I can't stand that guy. Despite this welcomed transition of Jesse finally getting out of our life, he's still holding on and seeking support from my significant other. "Hey R, do you think you can't help me out with..." And I want to stop my feet and scream at the top of my lungs, "NO!! NO, HE CAN'T FUCKING HELP YOU WITH ANYTHING. HELP YOURSELF, GET A LIFE AND STAY THE FUCK OUT OF OURS YOU MENTALLY UNSTABLE WASTE OF SPACE. ALWAYS, WANTING FAVORS AND SHIT. HELL, DO US A FAVOR AND CEASE TO BREATHE. YOUR POLLUTING OUR AIR SUPPLY WITH YOUR VERY LIFE FORCE! THE ONLY REASON WHY g-d GAVE YOU A SECOND CHANCE AT LIFE, WAS BECAUSE HE WASN'T READY FOR YOU TO RETURN BACK TO HIS SOURCE." Grrr. Okay, tangent completed. I feel better now. Trust me this anger and hatred that I am directing towards him is well warrented. I can't wait until he is out of our life forever. I'm ready to move on and be done with this shit. Amen.

It's been awhile since I wrote in you. I know I use to write it you every day, but then SITDIARY had to go and "shut down for maintanence" thus fucking up my flow. Ah-well, no worries. Things are good as they should be. I'm pretty excited about: *H - A - DOUBLE L - O - W - DOUBLE E - N SPELLS HALLOWEEN* (Do you remember that song from when you were a kid?)I'm stoked about going to a costume party. I'm still indecisive about what accesories I want to wear. Anyhoo, I do have a test today that I should study for. Oh, shit. I should catch a bus back down to CSN and withdrawel from my Anthropology class. Wait, I wonder if I can do that shit online... Hmmm, t'would be nice! I have another job oppurtunity coming up. Yes. Yes. It's another test for State. But, unlike last time I am actually interested in working for this particular job. So, with that said, the chances are greater for the universe to line it up for me, because it is what I really want. = ) So, yes, testing is this Wednesday. There has been some other trivial drama in my life. But, like I said, its trivial. I don't consider it worth wasting my time typing about. At least, not now anyways in this moment. Maybe later when I'm bored or something. One.

Long time no talk to... I missed you! *Hugs* I'll talk to you soon, okay? Love you, Me

WHAT THE FUCK?!?! YO, I DID NOT GET A MEMO ABOUT SITDIARY BEING DOWN FOR MAINTENANCE. SON OF A BITCH!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW ANGRY I WAS AND HAVE BEEN THESE PASSED COUPLE OF DAYS?!?! WELL, I'LL TELL YOU, I'VE BEEN PRETTY FUCKING ANGRY. DAMNIT!!!!! Okay, well, I'm a little bummed at getting a 55 percent on my test. It's my fault, I've procrastinated all day long. Whatever, blah. I don't feel like fucking writing right now. The charm has been lost. Fuck it!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

Stop procrastinating and do your fucking homework!!! What...do you like to be stressed out?? Time after time you wait until the last minute. Enough is enough. I am sick of it. So congratulations on being rewarded with apprehension all day tomorrow. Will you complete the assignment on time or will you falter and fail? You actually like this, don't you? You are addicted to the drama of testing yourself, aren't you? Yeah, you are. You sick little fuck!! Get a new hobby, one that is healthy for you, instead of the toxicity of self sabotage.

Man, I'm tired. I just got back from taking the test for State. Yeah, it was for today. I had the dates confused. Anyway, I did a lot better compared to last time. I need to work on my math skills though. Formulas are easy for me to comprehend. But, for some reason, I draw a blank whenever math is incorporated into word problems. Maybe that's a form of dyslexia on my part, who knows. I think I need to work on my comprehension skills. I'm a direct person, and I really don't get it when shit is played out in riddles. Get to the fucking point please and stop wasting my time with mind fucking mumbo jumbo. Last night I went to Whole Foods and got some Holy Basil gel caps. Apparently, it's suppose to help relieve anxiety and promote a relaxed state of well being. Can you believe it was thirty dollars a bottle? Blast those pharmaceutical rapists. I took one gel cap and was rewarded by a zanax-weed high. Talk about feeling fucking stoned!! The happy feeling wore off a couple of hours later and was replaced by a racing heart that filled me with anxiety. Ironic. "Feeling anxious? Here, take this pill. It will relieve you of stress and worry. Please note that the side effects may lead to anxiety." WTF? So, that's that. I'm hungry. I think I will eat something. I need to start my school work tomorrow. I have an assignment for Soc. 101 due this Saturday and I haven't even started. I am such a procrastinator. Okay, that's all for now. I'll write later. One.

Duh. Hmmmm. Humph. Ahhhh. *sigh* These are the sounds that come from my immovable lips. Today was a day of anxiety, flashbacks and etc. I was sitting in Barnes and Noble, of all places, when suddenly I was greeted with another attack due to PTS. An unexpected occurrence of repressed emotions were thrown at me like a bucket of scalding cold water. So there I sat crying, shaking and trying to make sense out of a turbulence of emotions. Impressions, concepts, ideas, confusion and dismission. Is this...? Did this...? Had this...really happened? So, I sat on a toilet trying to make sense of it all. She's trying to tell me something in her own words. What an innocent, beautiful, courageous and yet fragile little soul. She went through so much and she still doesn't want to hurt me. Her, him, them and we. All make up the concept of what I am. All these little individualities of consciousness complete me. The ultimate goal it to see that all is merged into one. I have a hard time of doing that during this stage in my life. I know that this is a journey towards soul evolution; a step by step process. But damn it, right now, I want to fly.

Whoo-hooo. Today is the day that I take my test for State. I'm excited baby! I'm going to fucking pass. It will not be like last time when I had test anxiety. "Nope! Nope! Nope!" I kept over thinking the shit and second guessing myself. Lesson learned and I shall not repeat that offense. Man, I am ready to make my money!!!! = ) Note to self: I must mail Mike his dead candied shrimp.

So, it's a new day. R is off and he's cleaning. I should be taking this time to study for my test for State. I will pass!! Oh, yeah. I'm so excited baby! I am abandoning poverty of mind and I am surrounding myself with thoughts of abundance!! I love the BIG DADDY A in all is many positive forms. Especially, the dolla dolla billz yo'! Fo sho'. = ) Smurfs, take it away: "Lah lah luh-luh-luh-lah Lah lah luh-luh lah" That's my cue. Signing off now. One.

R and I found a really nice place to live. The neighborhood is really great. It is within a gated community that is tucked away and I am fairly convinced that not many people know about it. Which is good. It would be like an hour walk to get to a bus stop or to grab a cup of coffee, but it still would be sooo worth it. We have found our new home. Just him and I working together to see our dreams become a reality. No more negativiy and no more drama. It is no longer welcome in my life. All I want to do is build a foundation of success in family, friends, career, goals, dreams, contentment, bliss, serenity, peace of mind, purpose, health, growth, healing, happiness and love. I want to leave that legacy. I feel it will be soon. My time here is coming to a close and I must move on. I just wanted to thank you for playing a part in helping my dreams and goals become a reality. Thank you for being there for me and supporting me with loving strength. And thank you for continuing to do so. I'm going to need it for the days to come. I know that this is a test. Everything that is reminding me of my hardships from the past is staring me in my face. I will get through it. I will be strong. I guess my problem is that I am still fighting. And I am still fighting because I am still holding on. My lesson might very well be to let it go, move on and don't look back. I am trying. I am. It's very hard for me to do. I've conditioned myself to react in a specific way, because it served it's purpose to protect me. Ironically, the more I try to protect myself...the more I am provoked. I need to remember that this isn't real. None of this is. I am the main character in my own movie. But, what I keep forgetting is that I am also the director. None of this has to be if I do not consciously choosing it to be so. So, the real question is, why am I choosing this? The truth is, I am tired of playing part in the victim role. On the other side of the coin, I am tired of being victimized. So, where do I go from here? It would be easy to ignore all of this mindless taunting and provoking if it wasn't right under my own nose, my house and in other words my sanctuary. How can you run from something that lives with you? I know. I get it. This is the Universe's way of pushing me to grow. I'm fighting growth. And that is why I am stagnant in this hell. It is my own personal hell that I have created. Although, it is coming from another person; the power lies within me. I have the power to change this reality. I may not be able to change another person. But, I can still change me. I can grow. And I can move on. Thank you, again, God for believing in me. You've reminded me to believe in myself. I love you.

So...how do you like them apples? Huh?! You punk mark-ass little bitch!! I tried to tell you...with my eyes, but you didn't listen. No. You didn't listen. You were blinded by your ignorance and taunted by your own ego. So much so that you were oblivious to the warning that I gave you time and time again. You silly little fool; you should have never mistaken my kindness for weakness. But, there you were all along playing your little games; testing me, provoking me, and trying to push me to my limits. If I did not respond with hostility, you thought that you won. If I responded with anger or hostility, you succeeded in getting a rise out of me, and you still thought you won. Now listen here and listen to this. You didn't win. You've been a loser all along and soon you will see how much so. Soon, you will see that the only role you have played in my life has served to make me stronger, while you have repeatedly weakened in my presence. We both bring a certain truth to each others lives. Your existence reaffirms how strong I am and proves it with all I have endured. While my existence in your life has shown how completely un-evolved you truly are. I am here to remind you that this competitive game you so earnestly seek to play with me is nothing more than sheer mockery. You think this is a battle of wits? I'm sorry I refuse to go into battle with an arrogant simpleton. In truth you are an unarmed man. Now, you’re angry. Because, you see, all this time you invested on wreaking havoc into my life has been a waste. You pathetic fool. I would pity you, but my all consuming distain for what you are will not allow me to feel the slightest bit of empathy for you. When I look at you I see a species so un-evolved. At this time I was going to compare you to some grotesque mammal eating its own feces as it dry humps a rotting carcass. But, as disturbing as that image is, I don't want to insult the imaginary mammal or the lifeless image. Simply put, I care more about that than I do you. To get back on track, you didn't win. Didn't you know? If you fuck with fire, you are bound to be burned. Let's go down the list of your current situation. The only purpose you serve is to pay rent for my boyfriend and put money in your girlfriends pocket to feed the baby. I understand to you that might seem hard since you're such a dead beat dad and all. The people that are closest to you in your life really don't like you. What does that say about you? We all know I don't like you. My boyfriend doesn't like you. You’re only in his life to pay his bills. Oh, by the way, it's been great living here rent free. Your girlfriend doesn't like you. Personally, I think she is still talking to her ex husband. She might go back. Hell, if I could be her conscious I would tell her to take the baby, run and don't look back. Oh, and that leaves the baby, the only thing good to have ever come from you. Dude, your own kid doesn't even like you. What the fuck son? Your own child, who is 6 months old, thinks that you are a blubbering idiot. And he's right; how tragically pitiful. You really had no idea what you were getting into when you decided to toy with me. I am not to be fucked with!! Soon you will see. Soon you will be all alone. And the only thing that will be there to keep you company are your feelings of humility and regret. And now I snicker and laugh unmercifully, "Ha. Ha. Ha."

I had more nightmares again. No matter how many times I try to put it all behind me, it keeps resurfacing, to haunt me. I had what was called a stress dream; which involved my boyfriend’s tenant. There have been countless situations of problems with him drinking. Now, don't get me wrong, I've had my share of problems in the past. But, he is just reminding me of everything I'm trying to escape and change. In my dream it was my boyfriend, him, his girlfriend and I. He was drunk in the dream and he kept on harassing me. I got angry; because my boyfriend wasn't putting his foot down to protect me. So I took matters into my own hands by yelling at his tenant. I told him that I had no respect for him and that I didn't like his personality. He then whimpers like a little boy and tries to hide under the blanket. So, tried a softer tactic, and apologized for being mean. Really, it wasn't my intention to hurt him. I just wanted him to leave me alone. Next thing I know he reaches out and puts his hand on my private parts. I freak out and tell him, "No!" I asked my boyfriend if he saw and he said, "Saw what?" Then I told him what he did and he told me to calm down and we would take care of it later. I turn to the drunken tenant in my dream and I tell him that if he ever tries to do that again I will fucking kill him!! That's where the violence and the anger come from...I know. I have this feeling that nobody is there for me, so I have to be there for myself...and fight for myself to protect myself. I told his girlfriend in the dream what he did. She was angry and withdrawn. I told her that I didn't want to hurt her with the truth, but she had to know. My boyfriend did nothing, but sat on the couch. His tenant was still harassing me. I was nervous because he was acting as a "playful drunk", but I knew the corruption that lied just beneath the surface. He made indirect threats about hurting my cat and kicking it. This reaffirmed my helplessness and the fact that I felt trapped. Where could I go? I can't leave. What would happen to my cat? I had to stay and protect her. (Him) Does this mean that I'm going through post traumatic stress? My father drank and did bad things. My brother repeated some of the cycles as my father. I remember my father beating my brother. Then I remember my brother beating me. With him at 6'2'' 200 lbs compared to me at 5'2 110 lbs being choke slammed into a wall. Still, I fought, I argued, I taunted and I provoked him to do his worse. "Is that all you got you fucking pussy...fuck you!!" No wonder why I was so high and drunk all these years. My memories are like that annoying unwanted acquaintance from the past that invites them self to sit down next to you, without being asked, then proceeds to say, "Hey, do you remember that time when...?" And then you want to say, "No, I really don't remember that time when...so go away." But, the truth is you do. You really do. You just don't want to be reminded of it. Maybe this is what hell is like when you die. A remembrance of all the pain that you endured, all the anger and all your regrets accumulated into one big horrific flashback; within a millisecond in time that seems like an eternity. Do I have to confront my demons in order to make them go away? Do I need to confront my loved ones on their trespasses? Do I need to confront myself? Do I need to forgive myself and others and let go? I don't know how. Anxiety sets in and I'm paralyzed by fear. I'm scared.

So, here I am...feeling bitter. The Eagles lost, but that's not why I feel so sad. This thing with my current boyfriend...what am I doing? Sometimes, I think I should fip the switch and be a lesbian. This bisexual thing is fucking with me. I'm torn between my dualities and yet I can't make up my fucking mind. I guess I just want the best of both worlds. However, right now one world is non- existant, because I'm in a committed relationship with my guy. There is something wrong, when I don't want to hold his hand when we go out. I don't really even want to have sex with him. I don't know if my sobriety is fucking with me, but I'm not interested. Damn, you phantom memories. I know you hide from me to protect me. I remember the jist of all the pain and abuse so why not the full spectrum? Will it fuck me up more? Maybe or maybe not. Here, I sit drinking a non-alcoholic drink and I'm wishing it was the real thing. I did a complete 360 over this past 2 years. I settled down. I lost my passion in sex and amongst other things. I went to therapy to pacify my significant other, but that was short lived. My therapist, though nice, was nothing short of a positive thinking behaviorist. Shit, lady. I've been doing that my whole life. I rather do that shit on my own accord, not have you throw the "just think positive thinking" fairy dust in my face and not pay you. Ahhh. Before, I would drink, smoke, pop pills and you named it. I lived a reckless lifestyle to the fullest. Full steam ahead of not giving a fuck. I would have one night stands and stay gone for weeks on end. What do I do with myself? The only emotions that seem constant in my life are paranoia, resentment, anxiety and anger. I lost myself. That girl that I use to be all those years. I lost her. Well, more like locked her away. Every day, I look in the mirror I see the resentment staring back at me. This new person that I am is such a selfish bitch; a dismissive snob that has no interest in interacting with anyone. Before, I was so loving, forgiving, accepting, fun, happy, outgoing, interactive and free spirited. Now, I'm left with this dull taste in my mouth that's the equivilant of eating ashes out of an ashtray. What am I doing? I don't know. What do I want to be? I don't know. Where do I want to be? I don't know. All I know is that I'm drowning in the past, my present is as murky as swamp water and I can't even see my way into the future. I'm afraid of losing control again. I remember what if feels like to not be in control. I remember what it's like to be on the bottom with something over you pushing you down. I hate this constant aprehension of not allowing myself to be hurt again. So, I fight and I keep on fighting. But, the truth is I'm just fighting against myself. Ironically, what dissapointed me the most was when I let my guard down and put my heart into someone elses hands. Nobody else appreciates my heart, but me. Well, maybe my boyfriend does. But, I'm so fucked up every which way and sideways. I don't know if I'm coming or going. Who am I? Why am I so crooked and backwards? What is wrong with me? Am I really crazy? What am I doing here? Everything seems so foreign to me. Sometimes, I feel like I'm just waiting to die. I know that there is something more than this state of agony. I think I've become accustomed to this feeling of pain. I'm sick of allowing others to be close only to be rewarded with rejection. What the fuck? It's like a game; a competition to see who is the strongest. Well, I know that I'm strong. I'm a strong bad ass mother fucker. I'm just tired of playing the game. It no longer interests me anymore. I rather sit under a fucking tree and tell it that I love it so. Then thank it for being so wonderful, that it's purpose is not to hurt me, but to give me shelter from the grueling heat. *sigh* I wish I could dip my toes into the ocean, take of all my clothes and be one with the elements. I did that once. I stopped fighting against the currents and allowed myself to trust in...the great loving divine. I drifted out into the ocean 30 feet from shore and stared up at the moon. I never felt so at peace. The spirit never lets me down. People let me down and I let myself down. But, that's my fault. I should never put my trust in man. I should always trust my inner guidance and listen to my soul. It doesn't lie. My ego lies. I guess I should stop judging myself. I'm trying to mold myself into some standard that I think is right for me; instead of just being me. Why do I place my value in somebody elses opinion? Even now, when I think that, my inner child whispers, "I just want them to love me. Don't leave me, protect me, I'm scared." I hate when I hear those words coming from the depths of my being. It tears me in two. All I can do is reply, "It's okay, I'm here for you. I won't leave you. Don't be scared. I'll protect you." But, even when I respond with those words, I'm still faced with the reality that it's just me myself and I.

Well...all is well now. I never knew this thing existed. Thanks and props goes out to my friend. Normally, this would be filled with something interesting. This whole thing would be filled describing the coming and goings of this draining day. But, not now. No, not now. Because the Eagles vs. the Cowboys will be on soon. Go Eagles!!! I should sign off now. One!