I am never, I repeat NEVER, going to stay up for a full 24 hours again. Not unless I can help it. I finally got around to falling asleep at 2:00 p.m. I was asleep for no more than 45 minuets when I was ATTACKED! I woke up gasping for air. My heart was racing and pounding out of my chest. I went to get up, but my head was ringing. My body was numb and shaking. I staggered toward the closet and in a stricken panic I thought that I was dying. My first thought after that was to call 911. I wasn't sure what was happening to me. My mind was sluggish and disorientated as I reasoned to call my brother. I haven't felt so scared in so long. I was afraid to lay back down...afraid to close my eyes...afraid to fall asleep... Upon speaking to my brother he assured me that he was going to come get me. I had enough sense to take a shower and get ready. I felt like I was on the brink of passing out. Some people may think that this wasn't a good idea, but I decided to take a shower. Water, has always had a calming effect on me, especially when I desperately needed to "ground" myself. Sure enough, when I got out of the shower I felt a LITTLE bit better, but, not much. At least the fear of dying was slowly starting to subside. My mother arrived at the door and asked if I was okay. I said that I wasn't very sure. We both proceeded down to my brothers vehicle and got in. He asked me if I wanted to get dropped off at the house, because my mother was going to check out some senior citizen living apartments. I was terrified of being left alone, so I agreed to tag along. After the application process, from which my mother was approved, and after the tour of the apartments we headed back to my moms place. I fell asleep on the couch, watching Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets, around 6 p.m. I woke up off and on, but I really got up around 9:30 p.m. and awaited getting picked up by my love. Once awake, I was still disorientated. I felt slow and dumbed down if that makes any sense. I arrived back at our place, but felt too restless to lie down. I told R that I was going to check the mail. He was a little against it, but I assured him that, oddly enough, I found the ritual of checking the mail to be relaxing. I left the house staggering into the night. The night was slightly windy and I enjoyed the breeze on my face. I started thinking about the events that transpired that day. I thought of how scared I was. Then I envisioned a complete stranger going through the same ordeal as I. I imagined a female looking up into my face with her eyes stricken with panic. Then I saw myself reaching out for her and, in a sincere strong voice, telling, "It's okay. I'm here for you." Right then and there a large a leaf hit me right in the chest. It didn't trickle down gently or skip into my arms. It knocked me with enough force to loose my train of thought and look down towards what had so completely taken me off guard. It was then at that moment I felt g-d so completely. It was the ultimate reminder that I wasn't alone and that the GREAT LOVING DEVINE, as I like to call g-d, was always there for me. I could never be alone. There is no way that I could be apart of that source. G-d is just as much apart of me as I am of g-d. The ironic reality is no matter what the situation is that makes people feel fear (whether it be a phobia, an illness, saying hello to the new, or saying goodbye to the old, even when someone knows that they are dying) they all wish the obvious... Not to be alone and to take solace in knowing that at least one person is standing by their side. Now I can see the ultimate truth in my experience. It was a very much needed test of faith. It was a welcomed reminded that during my darkest hours, its okay if I don't see anyone standing by my side. I know and I feel with every ounce of my soul that g-d is always there for me. It's very easy to forget that though. If you can't see it, hear it, taste it, smell or touch it with our humanistic senses. It's very easy to forget we can feel through our soul. I kept the leaf and put it on my alter as I reminder of this. Blessed Bliss.