So, here I am...feeling bitter. The Eagles lost, but that's not why I feel so sad. This thing with my current boyfriend...what am I doing? Sometimes, I think I should fip the switch and be a lesbian. This bisexual thing is fucking with me. I'm torn between my dualities and yet I can't make up my fucking mind. I guess I just want the best of both worlds. However, right now one world is non- existant, because I'm in a committed relationship with my guy. There is something wrong, when I don't want to hold his hand when we go out. I don't really even want to have sex with him. I don't know if my sobriety is fucking with me, but I'm not interested. Damn, you phantom memories. I know you hide from me to protect me. I remember the jist of all the pain and abuse so why not the full spectrum? Will it fuck me up more? Maybe or maybe not. Here, I sit drinking a non-alcoholic drink and I'm wishing it was the real thing. I did a complete 360 over this past 2 years. I settled down. I lost my passion in sex and amongst other things. I went to therapy to pacify my significant other, but that was short lived. My therapist, though nice, was nothing short of a positive thinking behaviorist. Shit, lady. I've been doing that my whole life. I rather do that shit on my own accord, not have you throw the "just think positive thinking" fairy dust in my face and not pay you. Ahhh. Before, I would drink, smoke, pop pills and you named it. I lived a reckless lifestyle to the fullest. Full steam ahead of not giving a fuck. I would have one night stands and stay gone for weeks on end. What do I do with myself? The only emotions that seem constant in my life are paranoia, resentment, anxiety and anger. I lost myself. That girl that I use to be all those years. I lost her. Well, more like locked her away. Every day, I look in the mirror I see the resentment staring back at me. This new person that I am is such a selfish bitch; a dismissive snob that has no interest in interacting with anyone. Before, I was so loving, forgiving, accepting, fun, happy, outgoing, interactive and free spirited. Now, I'm left with this dull taste in my mouth that's the equivilant of eating ashes out of an ashtray. What am I doing? I don't know. What do I want to be? I don't know. Where do I want to be? I don't know. All I know is that I'm drowning in the past, my present is as murky as swamp water and I can't even see my way into the future. I'm afraid of losing control again. I remember what if feels like to not be in control. I remember what it's like to be on the bottom with something over you pushing you down. I hate this constant aprehension of not allowing myself to be hurt again. So, I fight and I keep on fighting. But, the truth is I'm just fighting against myself. Ironically, what dissapointed me the most was when I let my guard down and put my heart into someone elses hands. Nobody else appreciates my heart, but me. Well, maybe my boyfriend does. But, I'm so fucked up every which way and sideways. I don't know if I'm coming or going. Who am I? Why am I so crooked and backwards? What is wrong with me? Am I really crazy? What am I doing here? Everything seems so foreign to me. Sometimes, I feel like I'm just waiting to die. I know that there is something more than this state of agony. I think I've become accustomed to this feeling of pain. I'm sick of allowing others to be close only to be rewarded with rejection. What the fuck? It's like a game; a competition to see who is the strongest. Well, I know that I'm strong. I'm a strong bad ass mother fucker. I'm just tired of playing the game. It no longer interests me anymore. I rather sit under a fucking tree and tell it that I love it so. Then thank it for being so wonderful, that it's purpose is not to hurt me, but to give me shelter from the grueling heat. *sigh* I wish I could dip my toes into the ocean, take of all my clothes and be one with the elements. I did that once. I stopped fighting against the currents and allowed myself to trust in...the great loving divine. I drifted out into the ocean 30 feet from shore and stared up at the moon. I never felt so at peace. The spirit never lets me down. People let me down and I let myself down. But, that's my fault. I should never put my trust in man. I should always trust my inner guidance and listen to my soul. It doesn't lie. My ego lies. I guess I should stop judging myself. I'm trying to mold myself into some standard that I think is right for me; instead of just being me. Why do I place my value in somebody elses opinion? Even now, when I think that, my inner child whispers, "I just want them to love me. Don't leave me, protect me, I'm scared." I hate when I hear those words coming from the depths of my being. It tears me in two. All I can do is reply, "It's okay, I'm here for you. I won't leave you. Don't be scared. I'll protect you." But, even when I respond with those words, I'm still faced with the reality that it's just me myself and I.