I had more nightmares again. No matter how many times I try to put it all behind me, it keeps resurfacing, to haunt me. I had what was called a stress dream; which involved my boyfriend’s tenant. There have been countless situations of problems with him drinking. Now, don't get me wrong, I've had my share of problems in the past. But, he is just reminding me of everything I'm trying to escape and change. In my dream it was my boyfriend, him, his girlfriend and I. He was drunk in the dream and he kept on harassing me. I got angry; because my boyfriend wasn't putting his foot down to protect me. So I took matters into my own hands by yelling at his tenant. I told him that I had no respect for him and that I didn't like his personality. He then whimpers like a little boy and tries to hide under the blanket. So, tried a softer tactic, and apologized for being mean. Really, it wasn't my intention to hurt him. I just wanted him to leave me alone. Next thing I know he reaches out and puts his hand on my private parts. I freak out and tell him, "No!" I asked my boyfriend if he saw and he said, "Saw what?" Then I told him what he did and he told me to calm down and we would take care of it later. I turn to the drunken tenant in my dream and I tell him that if he ever tries to do that again I will fucking kill him!! That's where the violence and the anger come from...I know. I have this feeling that nobody is there for me, so I have to be there for myself...and fight for myself to protect myself. I told his girlfriend in the dream what he did. She was angry and withdrawn. I told her that I didn't want to hurt her with the truth, but she had to know. My boyfriend did nothing, but sat on the couch. His tenant was still harassing me. I was nervous because he was acting as a "playful drunk", but I knew the corruption that lied just beneath the surface. He made indirect threats about hurting my cat and kicking it. This reaffirmed my helplessness and the fact that I felt trapped. Where could I go? I can't leave. What would happen to my cat? I had to stay and protect her. (Him) Does this mean that I'm going through post traumatic stress? My father drank and did bad things. My brother repeated some of the cycles as my father. I remember my father beating my brother. Then I remember my brother beating me. With him at 6'2'' 200 lbs compared to me at 5'2 110 lbs being choke slammed into a wall. Still, I fought, I argued, I taunted and I provoked him to do his worse. "Is that all you got you fucking pussy...fuck you!!" No wonder why I was so high and drunk all these years. My memories are like that annoying unwanted acquaintance from the past that invites them self to sit down next to you, without being asked, then proceeds to say, "Hey, do you remember that time when...?" And then you want to say, "No, I really don't remember that time when...so go away." But, the truth is you do. You really do. You just don't want to be reminded of it. Maybe this is what hell is like when you die. A remembrance of all the pain that you endured, all the anger and all your regrets accumulated into one big horrific flashback; within a millisecond in time that seems like an eternity. Do I have to confront my demons in order to make them go away? Do I need to confront my loved ones on their trespasses? Do I need to confront myself? Do I need to forgive myself and others and let go? I don't know how. Anxiety sets in and I'm paralyzed by fear. I'm scared.