i havent wrote in here in a really long time and the number one thing in my life that is going on is that the one person that i loved so so much with everything i had and just as much as she loved me are done, its kinda my fault and theres nothing i can do about and it kills me that i wanna keep loving but i cant becasue i ruined it, i doubt she will ever read this and thats not why i am writing this right now, i dont plan on her reading this, if she does either it wont save or help anything or its way to late by the time she knows about these feeling running through my head and heart, i am writting this for two reasons one because no one cares about what i have to say and no one even knows if im really sad, and the second reason i am writing this is because i have no one else to talk to because i dont talk and i have no one to talk to, the only person that really cared is her and she is gone from my life the only thing i can so i hope to see her around or something, i wish i could just talk to her or even just hear her voice one last time so i can get those butterflies and smile that smile of love, i wouldn't even care if we just sat on the phone no saying a damn word i would still smile and member it, i dont even care if she yells at me again i just wish she was still in my life and still the one thing that i could keep and hold on to for ever, i planned my life out knowing damn well that half was never going to happen but i would be with her and i wouldnt care about any other thing else, it just sucks that i ruined it and i have nothing in my life to make me really smile that smile, and have someone know just by the sound of my voice when i anwser the phone something is bothering me, i miss the feeling, the feeling of being warm inside and out, i wish she still loved me, but theres nothing i could do i guess, but wonder what would have happened and even right now i wanna call her and say i love you and not even matter if she said anything back but i cant just cant, and that kills and hurts the shit out of me, like right now shes online and i wanna IM her asking hows she doing but i cant cause she doesnt care i made it this way, my emotions are taking over and i never thought that would happen to me but it has and theres nothing i could do, i guess i have to just turn around and agian in my life be a shadow and close myself up to the world and box my heart or whats left, i guess i will go to bed tonight saying i love you and she will hear whisper in her ear saying io love you and she will know it's me and smile and go to bed with that beautiful smile....