"One day this will be you," you said to me on a windy Spring day in Portland, as my sister closed in on her decision. Your eyes sparkled with the happiness you felt. And I felt it too. We walked hand in hand through the campus, and I dreamed of that same moment, 6 years later when it would be my campus we were strolling, still father and daughter; still hand-in-hand. "I'm so proud of Elizabeth, and I'm so proud of you." I saw you smile to yourself. And then there was silence. A calming silence that didn't need to be broken. I couldn't imagine my same experience any other way than how you told me it would be. But now your warm hand has been replaced with cold air. There is nothing to grasp onto for support, and I sometimes find myself drifting. Those feelings that we so outwardly spoke exist now only in my heart; hidden from the world where nobody but you and me can see them: the way it was supposed to be. I long to hear you tell me that you're proud of me too. Without that, I find myself afraid. And when the fear settles, and I will always wonder how different things could have been at this moment right now. It's still not fair that I've had to go through High School without you. That I can't be held by you, and feel your pride that it is me who is your daughter. How I wish I never took you for granted. How bittersweet are these times which will be coming to a close not soon enough. Final decisions have been made, and the tears are welled up; waiting to be shed. It's all too short, these years that we've shared, and I dread for the possibility of never seeing some again. But then there's the flip-side: the feeling in my soul that what has yet to come will be the best of all. And now I finally see; the only thing worth betting on is hope.

Another year has come and gone; one that was filled with friendships, laughter, tears and love. I don't think I am quite as good at showing my appreciation as I once thought I was. But it is a fact: I love everyone that has been a part of my life up until this point so much. I may have interesting ways of showing it, and even if it seems like I don't care, I truly do. I look back on the past four years of High School, and I get overwhelmed. Time seems to have slid by, and I still remember that first day; getting stared at by older and seemingly "better" Seniors, and simply being scared to death walking down the halls. I have made so many long-lasting friendships and lost some that I thought would last forever. Everyone has changed so much, in the best of ways. I am proud of everything I have ever done; even the things that were the biggest mistakes I could have made, I wouldn't change a thing. I believe that I am becoming the woman I always wanted to be, and I am glad to have shared my experiences with some of the best people in the world. These last 5 months that are left will slip away quicker than I will ever know, and some days it makes me overwhelmingly sad. But for now I am just so eternally grateful and also excited for all the memories we still have to share. So thanks friends and family for a few of the best years of my life.

I miss hanging out with everyone. I feared that this would happen someday, and I know that it's partly my fault. I rely on so many people, and lately I feel like I don't see anyone. This week has been a stressful for me. It's been one painstaking event after another, and five pounds later, I'm still trying to put the pieces back together. I've dealt with everything I can deal with, and now I just need to fix the wounds inside of me, and hope that things can go back to normal. It's not about broken promises or hurt feelings, it's about me knowing that this is the end of all of this. I just want it to go away forever. I don't know what I would do if this happened again. I've forgiven, and now I just need to try to forget.

My nerves often get the best of me. I always seem to find myself in trouble when this happens. It's annoying, I know. But certainly not uncalled for, I don't think. It sucks that nobody wants to listen. I wish I could read things better. I get myself carried away with too many 'what-ifs'. I guess I'm not as good as things as I thought I would be. It's becoming harder and harder to let go of my fears. I want to talk about it, but I can't.

I know you want me to want you, I want to. My back is killing me, and there is still so much left to do. This ache will be over soon, and my excitement is clouded with anxiety. Hold on, hold on, to the ones you love. I don't understand a lot of things. There is often no explanation for my behaviors, you need to understand that. Maybe I really am losing control. I need control. There's no comfort in the waiting room. To be honest with the world, I am afraid of so many things. The list grows every day, spilling over the corners of my mind. I am strong, right? Maybe I simply exist. And you will take the breath from my throat.

You want pity, and it's not going to work. I see how you act and the faces you make, and I know you say things to make yourself feel better. You did this to yourself. Things would be the same as before if it wasn't for you and your selfishness. Yes things have changed, but I am content. I'm sorry that you feel that way, but only you can make the difference.

Things are different. I have always contemplated and even anticipated the moment where things will never be the same, and they have come. For everyone right now, the wheels are turning, the Earth is spinning, and the clocks are ticking. Our lives are changing and growing at an accelerated speed; faster than some of us can handle. Sometimes faster than my mind can adjust to. I have lost and I have gained, but most of all, I have remained happy and optimistic about how everything will turn out. Despite the changes and despite the tears, I find myself smiling. Smiling for love and smiling for life.

I just have to keep telling myself that you are not attractive. But it's so hard when you're right there. With those eyes, and those arms. Gosh, do you know that you drive me crazy? You and your stupid girlfriend. Now I can never have you. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

those rolling hills that continue on forever remind me of the ever continuing circle of this day and every other day i've ever felt like this. it's just past nighttime and you know that i am always late. what am i waiting for? those shallow puddles that wipe the grass away forever after following your scent kept me sane as i trudged through the soggy plains behind your house. i write you off as the perfect disaster and this lost cause atracts me more. i promise not to call you on it. i am envious of your ability to put the exact words to describe your feelings and how you are not ashamed to act how you feel. i also love the way you breathe each fresh burst of air into your lungs like it's the hannukah gift you never got. the trills of smoke drifting from your lips create perfect cirles and spirals and every other shape and they mesmerize me. these spellbinding tales of sweet november thunderstorms and carpet rides galore entertain us as we sit around the sparkling bonfire. the light danced across your face and possibly even mine as the poetic music of this connection would put a smile on even the most monotone of faces. ahem ahem, you have my attention and it's only you forever and now. lets meet in private somewhere quaint and laugh until the chill makes our breath visible. we'll lounge in those lawn chairs with our captain by our side and the crescent moon above. we'll wait for the faintest cloudy shadow that will hint to us god's presence. we only think about the present and how sweet this freedom tastes on our lips for the first time. the blackness doesn't faze me, nor you, nor the suffocating scent of the wiltering fire. certainly this night will continue on until the sun crashes over the horizon and flows slowly over this land. it will touch all it can see and our hiding spot will be revealed. giggles will ensue and then our fingertips will slowly touch as we slump back into our designated living. our ship has sailed; our dream has faded. we found the cure to the one-track mind. and the crunching leaves under our soaked feet remind us of the adventures sure to continue on. the uncoverable smell of dew and booze lingers on our drenched clothing sticking to us in the downpour. walking up stairs was never easy for me. the sign on the door reads: please remove shoes before entering.