I get the same songs stuck in my head every day. I want to be 13 again, or somewhere around that age, when I had more of an imagination. I forget so much lately, and I still don't feel like growing up most days. I want to be by myself more often than not, but I don't want to let Alex go. I'm growing tired of what we have, though. I just want to be at that age where nothing phased me and I didn't judge people and people didn't judge me, or I didn't know/care that they did so.

Although I am rather pleased we chose to see a free show in Boston, featuring six different bands (with free parking and four dollars for the trolley), instead of spending $72 to see one band (an even further distance away), I must say I am quite disappointed in Metric for wanting to show their "acoustic love" for the day. I am also disappointed in myself for neglecting my SitD for so long.

my favourite thing is rediscovering old music that always gives me a good feeling.

What the hell is going on, world?

Out of the 364 1/2 days of the year 2008, I can honestly say there were only a few good memories that will never leave this tired head of mine. A brief caption of the year on a whim. Enjoy. We'll start off at the beginning (duh): -What greater way to start off the year than outrageously horrid? Dealing with a bad breakup and the asshole you used to be head over heels for is always a good starter. No other comment January through the beginning of March. -Although the beginning of the year blew chunks, I have to say, my birthday was a pleasant surprise; it was one of the last times I'd gotten to see everyone I know together, whom I have shared a personal bond with one way or another. Tie that in with laser tag, free Arnie Palmers and halfway illegal adventures to haunted houses and you have yourself a pretty whimsical night. One groovy night. Better than nothing so far. -Discovering I could stop being so stupid and naive and actually having feelings for other people again. -I'm going to be cheesy and mention prom. I can't deny how classically fun it was. Short hair, the vegetable oil spillage on my dress, gaining back a once very close friendship that is now just enough, performing the Thriller with Catherine and forming an epic circle of fellow peers because of how sick nasty it really was, and getting to share the night with my date and also best friend. -Getting a new job was pretty cool. For like, the first week 1/2. I've met some really awesome people since May and I'm learning so much from two of them in particular. -This summer will never compare to that of '07, but it was spectacular in another way. There may not have been as much cruisin' in the Neon with the windows rolled down, blasting Arcade Fire and Smashing Pumpkins with my two closest amigas, but I got to meet the other me in male form and I spent every day doing ridiculous/exciting things with a really awesome chick. - My first rave was memorable enough. Wasn't too exciting, but I didn't think having as much energy as I did until 5am was possible. Driving into Boston didn't phase me too much either. Another great experience, and another great moment for meeting some great people. I like to think I shared the night with the perfect best friend, as well. -Sigur Rós. What a gorgeous night. I felt the music right in my chest. It made Tim cry. I always think of green smoke when I hear them. Especially when they started off with Svefn-G-Englar. The atmosphere in Boston was cold, but tied in perfectly with the bone-chilling numbers they played. I closed my eyes the entire time and let everything else melt. They may be growing a bit repetitive with their performances, but whatever. It was damn incredible. -I've been blessed with the presence of an amazing art teacher this semester. He listens to great alternative rock music and walks between his two classrooms strumming on his guitar. When I'm in a good mood in class, we usually talk about my future (how sad) and listen to Jeff Buckley and the unfortunately good mixtapes a woman, that lives next to his parents, leaves in his car when they watch his kids. He gave me his student violin his wife used to play on until I got my new beautiful 4/4 violin for Christmas. That's the main reason he gets an entire paragraph of my year in 2008. -Discovering Kings Of Leon all over again. So so good. This shouldn't really apply here, but having an already amazing start to the new year has, in a way, made the closing of 2008 ironically satisfying. These were never meant to be discreet, but you can never turn down a mystery game. I. The reason I'm putting you first is because you are more important than I've made you feel in the past. Saying you do so much for me is an understatement and I should be more grateful than I really am. Sometimes you do things for me before I can get the chance to think about it. You're the only friend I've ever been able to depend on, and when I brush off your advice and encouragement, don't feel as though I think it's silly, because most of the time it isn't. You're better than anyone I know. I wish I could have started showing both of you, sooner, how appreciative I am. II. We've had many exciting times discovering each other in such personal ways, but you'll always be like the brother I'd complain to my parents about wanting (even if you're older than me). Riding in the Nissan was my favourite thing to do with you, besides getting smoked at Mortal Kombat. The time you tried to teach me to drive stick can easily be more forgotten, however... Frisbee, Shadow, MK, haunted houses in Danville, Gogurt kid, sneaking out. Some of the greatest things about us and you would agree. You're the first person I've ever smoked with, the first person I could kiss and still look straight in the face without feeling nervous. Groovy is our middle names and I'm just as glad I took that Spanish class. III. I think we were meant to be really close from the start. Just not as close as you may have wanted, and I think you've grasped that now. You seem perfectly fine with it, though, and I can't believe how amazing of a person you are. I will never forget two nights in particular: The first night we met and immediately fell in love with our conversations of Tom Waits and Coffee and Cigarettes and how much you love Harvey Danger. And the night we shared a quiet drive home from the beach, sitting in darkness while the sounds of Explosions in the Sky exhaled through the speakers in your old, beatup Subaru Legacy. You would most likely do anything for me. I hope you stay. IV. Maybe we could have made more of an effort to see each other over the past months. Things have been getting in the way of you and I, but we're better than we think. You're my favourite person to reminisce with. I remember when we never left each other's side. I remember when we planned to get married together to Ron Weasley and Draco Malfoy and the pages and pages of trees we wasted writing scripts for movies we thought were awesome (and they definitely were) and the times when sleepovers were pre-planned and always worth the excitement. There are still certain images and sounds, even smells, that remind me of our adolescence. Everyday has been an adventure for you and me. V. I had a dream centered around you recently. I know my mind will never completely be rid of your presence but it's comfortably bearable. I hope you go far with your majour and I think having you as a best friend at one time was like a good learning experience. I made so many mistakes when my mind wraps around the idea, but I'm unmistakably glad it happened. Now I know a little more about being a good blanket for someone else. You'll make someone very happy some day, just try not to do what you did to me. VI. First of all, I hope that when you do find out, you're not as upset as I'm expecting you to be. We are completely different, but somehow we work. I think it's safe to say the last few months of summer were rightfully ours. Your mother is crazy. We both knew that. You have such energy in you I only dream of being able to have every day of my life. We've done some pretty stupid things together, but going through it all together made it worth while. It's wonderful the bond we had even from the first night we went out together. You really disappointed me when you decided a boy was more important than your friends, though. I've dealt with it before, and I'm still going through it with other close people in my life, but I think that's what makes me feel less nervous about the idea of you finding out. VII. You're the kind of quirky not many people get in their daily agenda, but I do! We work well when we're together, just you and me. We know how to make each others' stomachs hurt from laughter and we know what to say during those soft, affecting moments. Inebriated and lying around in mismatched underwear is one thing we do best together. The memory of that night in the Neon, not too long ago, occasionally pops into my head. Ambience filled the heart of our ears as I wished people could care more about fairytales than materialism. You miss your childhood and so do I. We wondered where our past went and how quickly it escaped our delicate grasps. "What happened?" I asked you. "We grew up." I'm turning your paragraph into a story, but I think it better serves the purpose. I love you, kid. Don't forget about the Laughing City. VIII. I can't fathom the falling out we had, and I can't figure out why I was the one to speak first, but if we're both mature enough to leave it behind us it doesn't really matter. Sometimes I hope that you'll respect me more as a person and not treat me as though I'm a doormat. You've done it in the past and it definitely can feel like a swift kick in the teeth. I don't think I will ever get through to you on one particular level, and I don't think I will ever convince you that lifelong friends are more important than boys will ever be, but I know you feel the same way I do about summer. That's when we are in our prime and can really get a feel for life. You're my favourite person to go on daytrips and joyrides with. It's mostly about the music, because that's where we can finally lose ourselves and just forget about everything that has happened, especially certain unfortunate events from months ago. We have a curious friendship, but it's like none other. I enjoy it. IX. I think sometimes I'm nervous to tell you that I'm glad I get to be stuck with you my whole life in such a loving way. I know I'm a pain, and I know I was worse when I was younger, but what kid isn't? It's not like I knew how to be logical at eight. You're better than most when I really need help. I'm happy when I get the chance to see you guys. That weekend I came up by myself, I felt like I was escaping home and heading for one destination I felt comfortable driving to. I wish we could do things together more often now that we get along. I can't wait to be in your wedding and hopefully help you plan it. X. I can tell we're going to learn a lot from each other. You're the first person I've ever received a mixtape from and I like the feeling I get when I let the music fill my car. I don't remember everything we talked about the first time we hung out alone, but it fought over the silence of the entire night. You aren't like what some people perceive from the outside. And I know it's all cheesy, but I do feel special knowing you hate reading your work to other people, but that you do it for me. And I do like that you think I'm an addicting person. I know this could potentially ruin a strong bond that you once had and that I still have with one particular person, but right now, I'm not too worried. I guess it's moments like these that make a really shitty year kind of unforgettable.

oh sitd. where have i been? if you really must know, the internet has suddenly disappeared on my laptop and i've grown quite lazy since the start of vacation. however, that does not mean exciting things have not happened! my hair is growing, heather's gettin' hitched, i'm dating my best friend's ex, i got a brand spankin' new sexy violin for christmas and my friends have suddenly gone MIA these past few weeks... weird, huh...yeah. although i kind of feel like an asshole for what i'm doing, mostly i couldn't really care less. my first resolution of the new year is going to be about communication; less talking, more listening. maybe i'll finally screw the rebellious no-resolutions bit and compile a list.

only at sanborn will you be sent home on an early release because the water has harmful bacteria in it. only at sanborn! whatever. i'd say today was a pretty good start to the rest of the week.

i didn't think a vacation could be so hectic. i figure as long as i have one night to do something at my own leisure, i'm happy, so i went out to dinner with chelsea and we talked about a plethora of things. i think you appreciate these little things more when you don't get to experience them much. i've also been located to a new area of the house. instead of my quaint little attic, with the cute poorly insulated ceiling that was about to cave in on me at any given time, i have now been situated in my parents bedroom and they are now in the other downstairs bedroom. it feels weird. sometimes change scares me more than it should. having to change rooms scared/still scares me. i don't know why, but it does. is this what it will be like when i actually make a new life for myself outside of these walls? i have a new bed that feels like heaven, though.

the more i sift through these pictures of my past experiences with friends, boyfriends, places & the adventures behind them, many highs and minimal lows, i can't help but say the words in my head over and over. most of the time, i cannot stand the person i've become.

i feel so bored with my daily routine. i need some excitement, i just don't know how to reach it. i do have a few things to be very gleeful over. first things first: my two-years-running metalmouth image. these bad boys are finally coming off in ~17~ days!! i think my hair is actually growing at a fierce wow-i-think-my-hair-is-actually-growing-from-what-i-can-see rate. noice. i'm so tired, but significantly more happy. i'm looking forward to the big turkey day, and all the delicious eggnog and bread rolls that go with it, however work can bite the big one on the 28th. i'm not so competent at the moment.

i had a really great time seeing everyone last night and i don't think i've laughed so much in weeks maybe months. those things will be gone soon and i think i really need to stop bitching about everything and just use the time i have now to do things with the people who still care i know there are more than i've wanted to believe. it's now seven and i was up by five and i feel good for some reason. the sun is still rising and i've got work in a few hours but i'm still happy. my mother has been blasting christmas music on the oldies station all weekend and i secretly enjoy it more than she knows. i can't wait for thanksgiving dinner with the fam.

they say you have to have somebody they say you have to be someone's they say if you're not lonely alone boy, there is something wrong sometimes my heart feels a little empty.

i am standing in a train station, but everyone else i know has already left. i'm standing right on the freaking plateau, still waiting for something, god only knows what. why has everyone else found something? that's the only way i can describe things, my life mostly, at the moment, the decisions i have to make soon. i have so much to explain about things i love. i feel so embarrassed when i can never find the right words, the smart words. do i stand alone on this one? my job bites the big one, but what kind of job in your coming-of-age years doesn't? i have met some really great people. one reason not to leave. where did we draw the line at leaving the beautiful world through a child's eyes behind and becoming a bitter adult? one who has lost all sense of imagination. my wall is so empty and i lie in my bed staring at my window, coming up with solutions to my problems that could never work in the real world and which i'll probably forget by morning. i don't even dream anymore.

i'm pretty sure i left my fucking keys in a department store today. for some reason i always end up doing something wrong. a guy hit me at lunch the other day and not even the friends i thought i could rely on want anything to do with me. no fucking wonder i'm being voted most pessimistic by my entire fucking infantile class. i feel like a five year old!

POTATO STICKS have been discontinued. Three weeks of having that intense pregnant-woman-craving-weird-food feeling, only to be let down by French's.

ze laptop is back & in full force. finally. here's a lowdown on my past few weeks: work conveniently gets in the way of everything, i can't start a single essay, i happen to do very well with directions (on my own!), the idea of music grows everyday, some people will never change and some need to relax, most customers will always be the epitome of stupidity, i'm in love with my art teacher, and new friends can be as bad as some of the old ones. what am i going to do with my life?

tuesdays are officially bad days. nothing good comes from them. wednesdays are good. i like wednesdays. i had a good wednesday.

missed the last train home birds pass by to tell me that i'm not alone well, i'm pushing myself to finish this part i can handle a lot but one thing i'm missing is in your eyes in your eyes have you seen this film? it reminds me of walking through the avenues washing my hands of attachments i can land on the ground but one thing i'm missing is in your eyes in your eyes i'm sick of being told how negative i am. i'm back in the phase where i miss long hair. we had another college fair and i didn't talk to the lady from paul mitchell because i realized i was wearing the same shirt from last year's college fair and i thought she'd recognize me and think i never change my clothes. and this is the type of stupid stuff i worry about. i'm feeling much more positive about the future, anyway, and i'm going to see sigur rós on friday with tim and that's the only thing i'm looking forward to this week.

i think i've hit rock bottom. a big thanks to everyone, including myself, who has helped to make me feel like i'm worth lower than shit right now.