I wrote this stuff over the course of all the different weekends Josh visited home. He has been the only spark for my writing. And all of it, sucks. Coincidence? Nah. These are more like diary entries than poems, and I just wanted to get them out. I don't expect anyone to read all this shit, seriously. It just, needs to leave my notebook.#1.It's crazy how I fell in love with you this time. This time it wasn't because you are a hardass or because you don't care about anything. But because you came to me. Weak. You came to me in need. You came to me alone. And although your head was not on straight, you called me. I felt closer to you that day and night and now than I ever have before. I've known you for as long as I've known my best friend, and I've finally let myself trust you. Let myself fall into your eyes, without regret. I love you and I don't think I'd care if you dated anyone else, as long as I don't lose what I've been reaching for for so long. And although we may have developed something new I will try not to tell you that. Because although I feel some kind of false love in the space between us, I won't jinx it. I know that I'm an overjoyous emotional teenage girl, but my heart scream's that I'm good enough for Jesus. If I'm good enough for that son of a bitch, how could I possibly not be good enough for you?And although I'm happy and giddy when I hear your voice now, I'm afraid I'm jumping to conclusions simply because I hung out with you all weekend. And now that you're gone you will call me less and less each day.So my smile will fade as your voice in my head seceeds, and the sharp, small pain will become blunt but large and heavy.#2.Everytime these weekends abandon me and time is all that's left I feel threatened by a pen. Like if I don't write I will just fall down dead. This time don't have anything clever to say. This time I can't tell you that I 've agreed on "Brook", that a ring has meaning, that your laundry is not a problem. This time you already know, I'm sure, that I love you, because you love me, too. And there's something inside me that laughs when someone says you're stupid, but I know there's no point in trying to hate you again.What if you do love me, like I love you? I'm sure I could never trust you. Sure, there's a sigh of relief when you say "No, no girls today", but my anxiety builds during the next day until the night when you have time for me again.When you are near me, I don't feel scared that anyone else can have you, so my desire to have you holding me is not as strong and passionate as when you are away from me. That is why I'm not jumping into your arms all the time. But now I long for the familiar scars on your hands and smell of your jacket.You'd have to prove your love to me, prove you are trustworthy. But the problem rises when you won't. There's a crystal clear image in my mind of your disappointed face when I tell you this. We both know that you won't go as far as to prove yourself. You'd shrug your shoulders because you don't want me that badly. So much that you'd do whatever it takes to prove it. Because you don't love me like I love you.#3.When I thought I'd had it, it was the dumbest lie yet. And while everyone's lies hurt me, my own lies have been killing me. My reflection is too embarassed to stare back. And while you did what I thought I wanted I was wrong again. I thought the word love was as binding for you as it was for me or moreso. When really it's just hard on your ears and a beautiful melody to mine. I'm thorougly hurt and pissed off, and I hope I'm done now. I hope you can't talk or smile your way out of this one, and I hope I no longer am enslaved by a writing utencil every time your presence is withdrawn from me. I hope my writing can creatively come from me next time, instead of plunging onto paper with no sense or direction, just passion, whether it was love or hatred. I hope I'm done now.

hr{color: black;width:40%;height:4;border:1pt solid black;}body{cursor:crosshair;}b{color:#FF0099;font-size:9pt;}i{color:#FF3399;font-size:9pt;}u{color:#FF6699;font-size:9pt;}A:link{height:0em;text-transform:none;color:#FF6699;filter:none;}A:visited{height:0em;text-transform:none;color:#FF6699;filter:none;}A:active{height:0em;text-transform:none;color:#FF6699;filter:none;}A:hover{height:0em;text-transform:none;background:white;cursor:crosshair;filter:none;}a:hover{border:0pt solid black;text-decoration:none;}body{scrollbar-face-color:white;scrollbar-shadow-color:white;scrollbar-highlight-color:white;scrollbar-3dlight-color:white;scrollbar-darkshadow-color:white;scrollbar-track-color:white;scrollbar-arrow-color:#FF0099;} input{background:#FF3399; border: 1pt solid black; font-family: arial; color: black; font-size:8px;letter-spacing:0pt;text-align:left}-->stats time:4:13eatin:oxygendrinkin:nothinfeelin:coolthinkin about:rushps i hateyou Gravity pulls me down It makes my lips pout No, I don't feel sympathy I'm cruel and wish the worst on you. I feed off your weakness. Yeah, I get stronger when you're sad. Sure, I'll go with that. I never should have loved you When I look back I don't think I did. My hormones just got the best of me, what I thought were love's ashes once again were simply lust wishes. You were never there for me but I can't blame my hurt on you because my lack of care began with adolescence. All I can blame you for is lying, but I know that I will forgive you, I always do. Revenge is a natural want if it's on someone that's done you wrong. It's unfair that I've cried so much over you, but when you're crying and I'm the one that doesn't care, I'm the one that's wrong. But, life's unfair. made by: .Shady

hi, existing's cool. yeah its actually REALLY FUCKING AWESOME.

body,td,table{background:white;}font{font-size:7.5px;font-color:black;font-weight: normal;line-height:80%;font-family:"tahoma"}a:visited{filter:alpha(opacity=80);font-style:italicize}a:hover{COLOR:white;background:url(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v346/_fearless/rainbow.gif);font-weight:bold}a:link{color:black;}b{color:deeppink;font-size:10pt;}s{color:gold;font-size:10pt;}u{color:orange;font-size:10pt;}i{color:red;font-size:10pt;}strike{width:100%;text-decoration:none;background:black;font-weight:bold;color:deeppink;text-align:right;font-size:13pt;}body{scrollbar-face-color:white; scrollbar-3dlight-color:white; scrollbar-shadow-color:white; scrollbar-highlight-color:white; scrollbar-darkshadow-color:white; scrollbar-track-color:black;scrollbar-arrow-color:white}input{color:black;background:white;border:1 solid black;height:14px;text-align:left;}hr{color:black;width:50%;height:4;border:1 solid deeppink} Forgive me for poking and punching, but I try to make sure it's real when I'm happy. Your hand stroked mine so gently, I started believing this world was right. Your shoulder cushioned my head in a fashion that made me think I was important. Could I feel this way about anyone? I've experienced love and lust and everything in between, I can't tell the difference except nothing in the past has been worth living for. I just want time our friendship is growing I can feel it, from more than our touch of cheek. Our truth and honesty is forming a bond no one will be able to break, keep it growing. okay thats gross i dont even like it anymore. i wrote it last night. ew. im a retard. &layouts

font{font-size:7.5pt;font-color:black;font-weight: normal;line-height:80%;font-family:trebuchet ms}a:visited{filter:alpha(opacity=80);}a:hover,a:active{height:0;filter:alpha(opacity=30);cursor:crosshair;font-weight:bold;}a:link{color:skyblue;}b{color:khaki;font-size:10pt;}s{color:gray;font-size:10pt;}u{color:skyblue;font-size:10pt;}i{color:deepskyblue;font-size:10pt;}strike{font-size:12pt;width:100%;text-decoration:none;background:white;font-weight:bold;color:gold;text-align:center;border:1 solid black}body{scrollbar-face-color:white; scrollbar-3dlight-color:white; scrollbar-shadow-color:white; scrollbar-highlight-color:white; scrollbar-darkshadow-color:white; scrollbar-track-color:lightblue;scrollbar-arrow-color:white}input{color:black;background:white;border:1 solid black;height:14px;text-align:left}hr{color:gold;width:50%} ;border:1 solid black;height:100"> Careful, you might get carpel tunnel. I can't even tell you not to waste your breath, these twelve point font Times New Roman apologies are supposed to mean something to me? Today my arm was twisted around with a twisted truth behind it. You've got it all wrong, fucker, and your lies add on to the askew tale beneath my hatred. This cold hell and these burned angels think I waste my time hating someone that means nothing to me, you're the one with effect on my life. My actions paint me stupid your words state you're sorry. We're both proven wrong on the flip side, so act on this or [don't] kiss me goodbye. Those lines say they care, but do you check to see if my heart's still bleeding on my sleeve for you? I'll tell you, it's not. There's someone that cares about me, and I'm afraid of coming too close, but I'm not afraid of the same things I should have been petrified of with you. this last part was about rush.^^ &layouts

just a little bit of information for you poor kids that don't have a life, as i do not. in the last entry i did not specify that I DONT TALK TO JOSH ANYMORE. =D yeah im happy about it. pissing him off is very easy, and satisfying. satisfying is a weird word. am i spelling it wrong?

body,td,table:{font-family:"tahoma";}font{font-color:black;font-weight: normal;line-height:80%;font-family:"tahoma"}a:visited{font-weight:bold;}a:hover{background:deeppink;height:0;font-size:12px;color:black;font-weight:bold;}a:link{color:black;}b{color:deeppink;font-size:10pt;}s{color:gray;font-size:10pt;}u{color:hotpink;font-size:10pt;}i{color:pink;font-size:10pt;}strike{width:100%;text-decoration:none;background:hotpink;font-weight:bold;color:white;text-align:center;border:1 solid black;filter:blur;}body{scrollbar-face-color:white; scrollbar-3dlight-color:white; scrollbar-shadow-color:white; scrollbar-highlight-color:white; scrollbar-darkshadow-color:white; scrollbar-track-color:white;scrollbar-arrow-color:black}input{color:black;background:pink;border:1 solid black;height:14px;}hr{width:50%;color:deeppink} okay i tried this once before but the oh so grand technological advancement of today known as the computer failed me again, and i pressed the cancel button. of course i, being intellectual and bright, saved my entry ahead of time. i knew something may happen in error. but when i excitedly opened a new entry page and pasted..what was there before was no longer, except the layout. i was fucking pissed. so anyways, ive had these poems sitting in front of my buttocks for the last week and now im going to try to post them again. theyre all about josh. and they arent any good, but its how i feel, awright?"You've Got My Spot"You get off the phone to avoid deep conversationsomething they've lacked for some time too longI miss our phone dialogues of marriage and futuremy heart would fill up with hope now you crush itway too much you tell me about heryou tell me about heryou tell me about her as wellbut do they hear about me?Do they know I'm the one you call?In those silly movies i cry overlove is exciting and loud and the lovers want everyone to know they love one another.No one can hear our love when you only whisper it in my ear.J.K.T. dies = my favorite day.This boycan do so many things wrongand still make me feel special.This boymakes me cry more every dayand he makes me smile more than anyone.This boyhas ripped my heart into pieces more than twicebut mends it so much it grows.This boyturns me off with his attitude of assand turns me on everytime he looks into my eyes.This boycan comment on the most horrific thingsand tell me I'm beautiful so I fall again.This boyis no one importantbut he's everything to me.This boydoesn't give a shit about meand I feel like he loves me.This boytells every girl the same thingbut to me it's only me.This poemis liquid on dead tressand means nothing.okay one more. its not really a "poem" but its poetry.He calls meand tells meeverything Ithinkinsidehereallydoescarebutthenhe turns aroundanddoessomethingstupidagainandIfeelsodumbforbelieving hecaredbutthenhedoesitagainhesayssorry againheapolgizesagainIlovehimagainandforgivehim againthenhelikessomeoneelseandhishormoneswin and ithappens again. &layouts

BODY { scrollbar-track-color: black; scrollbar-face-color: black; scrollbar-highlight-color:pink; scrollbar-3dlight-color: lightpink; scrollbar-darkshadow-color: pink; scrollbar-shadow-color: lightpink; scrollbar-arrow-color: white;}body{cursor:help} keeteeleen (9:59:47 PM): i wanna get married on a wednesday. TH0MASthe0BSCURE (10:00:14 PM): to whom,and why keeteeleen (10:01:26 PM): id ont know yet keeteeleen (10:01:33 PM): and because wednesday is my faovrite day keeteeleen (10:01:40 PM): thursday is my least though TH0MASthe0BSCURE (10:01:43 PM): why wednday keeteeleen (10:01:46 PM): so we have to have sex before midnight keeteeleen (10:01:51 PM): idk, it always has been. keeteeleen (10:01:53 PM): since i was little. TH0MASthe0BSCURE (10:02:14 PM): yea keeteeleen (10:02:17 PM): it started in kindergarden when we had "wacky wednesdays". and we had to wear our school shirt. and i always forgot. keeteeleen (10:02:21 PM): lol keeteeleen (10:02:53 PM): and i hate thursdays TH0MASthe0BSCURE (10:03:11 PM): why dont you like thursday keeteeleen (10:03:16 PM): im not sure keeteeleen (10:03:24 PM): another thing from when i was younger

font{font-size:7.5pt;font-color:black;font-weight: normal;line-height:80%;font-family:trebuchet ms}a:visited{filter:alpha(opacity=80);}a:hover,a:active{height:0;filter:alpha(opacity=30);cursor:crosshair;font-weight:bold;}a:link{color:skyblue;}b{color:khaki;font-size:10pt;}s{color:gray;font-size:10pt;}u{color:skyblue;font-size:10pt;}i{color:deepskyblue;font-size:10pt;}strike{font-size:12pt;width:100%;text-decoration:none;background:white;font-weight:bold;color:gold;text-align:center;border:1 solid black}body{scrollbar-face-color:white; scrollbar-3dlight-color:white; scrollbar-shadow-color:white; scrollbar-highlight-color:white; scrollbar-darkshadow-color:white; scrollbar-track-color:lightblue;scrollbar-arrow-color:white}input{color:black;background:white;border:1 solid black;height:14px;text-align:left}hr{color:gold;width:50%} ;border:1 solid black;height:100"> BIGegosRme (5:26:18 PM): im listening to some hot techno right now keeteeleen (5:26:30 PM): really now BIGegosRme (5:26:33 PM): o yes keeteeleen (5:26:51 PM): i have some really great memories from techno. BIGegosRme (5:26:59 PM): u and scott and chris? BIGegosRme (5:27:05 PM): or kyle BIGegosRme (5:27:10 PM): ....i forget keeteeleen (5:27:22 PM): scott and kyle keeteeleen (5:27:33 PM): chris? hm.. no. lol werid choice BIGegosRme (5:28:10 PM): i couldnt remember the name for the life of me BIGegosRme (5:28:11 PM): lol keeteeleen (5:28:29 PM): but yeah scott and kyle BIGegosRme (5:29:09 PM): tahts aweosme keeteeleen (5:29:53 PM): yes. i miss that a lot. BIGegosRme (5:30:20 PM): do u still like scott? keeteeleen (5:30:38 PM): no keeteeleen (5:30:48 PM): i just miss everything about our relationship BIGegosRme (5:31:27 PM): definetly know what u meanYeah,I don't think she does. I loved Scott with all of my heart, and basically did anything in my courage and power for him. I have so many fond memories with him, I can't even count that high..(so I can't count past a hundred. shut up). But really, he was a lot of my firsts. Most of them actually..everything but kiss. I don't mean to sound like a perv, but I remember the first time we had an intimate moment was in the movie theatre. For Christmas 2003, I gave myself to him. After Christmas, there was no stopping our love. Except for my mom. And she most definitely did stop it. I hated her for it, but I loved her at the same time. I did feel like I was trapped in the relationship. I was scared of making him mad, and it got to the point where everything I did made him mad. So I got free of the relationship. But now, I miss it more than ever. Really, I made memories I never knew were possible to make and then not be able to have forever. &layouts

font{line-height:80%;font-size:10px;font-family:verdana}b,s,u,i{color:black;font-size:12px;}strike{width:100%;text-decoration:none;background:black;font-weight:bold;color:white;text-align:right;}body{scrollbar-face-color:white; scrollbar-3dlight-color:white; scrollbar-shadow-color:white; scrollbar-highlight-color:white; scrollbar-darkshadow-color:white; scrollbar-track-color:white;scrollbar-arrow-color:black}input{color:white;background:black;border:none;height:12px}a:hover{cursor:crosshair;color:black;font-weight:bold;font-family:arial narrow;font-size:13px}hr{width:50%;color:black;height:5;} Hm...I will have a story for you in my next entry. Because I wrote one. And you'll love it. Heartbreak and all. (Not so much..)Okay these next two pieces are my favorites. My pride and joys. Roast beef is just my excuse to get closer to you each time you move away.Okay that's like an inside thing. Josh always brings me roast beef or we go to Arby's together after fighting. And it was in my book so I decided to write it. Anywho...I call this one.."No Hablo Espanol"I wrote down that nightit wouldn't be forgottenyou read it with invisible inkbecause now you don't remember.You and I were in a dazed lustthe only way it should have beenwhen you wanted no more than to kiss me I fell downI'm still falling.Where distance means nothing it's everythingI wanted only the underlying feelings disclosed andMy own feeling brings me here--with achinginside and out.If what I saw in you was shallowtell me you are an actortruth is bigger when it's whole.Your skewed view is evil,I must have misinterpreted.The pain of losing you is muffled with a kissI didn't want it to end like this.When only in dreams are my dreams fulfilled,I cannot bear to be happyinside is what mattersand I'm filled with regret.Yes. Being a teenager is not so much fun or anything.Roast beef does wonders.This one does not have a title but it is my most recent. As in...two days ago. Suggestions for titles are 'preshiated. Thanks.All I had leftleft me.Lies and excusesdefeat me.Boys and girlskillme.The world and this place,fuck me.There's so much out there,I pity me.Lulu is starving, Ricardo dying.I drown in sorrow for myself.Slits open me up in the only way anyone will listenPain in my heart can't be heard but seen in bright red so obviousstill the only person I want to see is carelessly oblivious.While I'm so sad even my favorite mornings no longer hold the same bright smile,You take her out and tell herwhat I'm dying to hear.You're so caught up you can'teven see why I'm crying.You're so popular and joyousYou don't even recognizeI've devoted my heartarm to you.Okay I lied I have a title it's just at the end. Sorry. It's called "My Heart Bleeds on My Sleeve." &layouts

body,td,table{background-color:white;}font{font-size:10px;font-weight: normal;line-height:80%;font-family:trebuchet ms}a:hover{cursor:crosshair;height:0;filter:alpha(style=1,opacity=80,finishopacity=0)}a:link,a:active{color:black}b{color:deeppink;}i{color:pink;}u{color:silver;}s{color:black;}b,i,u,s{font-size:12px;}strike{font-size:12pt;width:100%;text-decoration:none;background:black;font-weight:bold;color:deeppink;text-align:right;}body{scrollbar-face-color:white; scrollbar-3dlight-color:white; scrollbar-shadow-color:white; scrollbar-highlight-color:white; scrollbar-darkshadow-color:white; scrollbar-track-color:deeppink;scrollbar-arrow-color:black}input{color:white;background:deeppink;border:1 dashed black;height:15px;}hr{width:50%;color:black;height:5;border:1 solid deeppink} Okay this first one I wrote a long time ago. It's about a friend, but I see no reason to name names. And she's already read it. So don't worry, I'm not a bad friend.I see the way you look at him, I know it's love. He calls me to give me an update, everyday... He called, not this time. The things he says, you've turned him around. You've hurt him. I hate you. You've hurt a man. I love you,idolize you. A man, A boy, A guy, The power source, Our world's sex lead. You've defied my theory, boys do cry. Why can't I make them?Alright. I don't feel like typing all the stupid little things I've written. So the next one is to my boyfriend last year of nine months. Ps-Sometimes I write really weird, strange kind of poetry. It's what I write though, so don't tell me I'm wrong. Thanks.How come I'm never satisfied? I said I wasn't happy enough with you, well guess what? I'm not happy enough without you, either. Memories of you tie up my thoughts, but I don't want you anymore.Why can't I make concious decisions,have a mind one hundred percent made up?I know I don't want you.So,these imagesblur my sight?You,disable my comprehension.So probably some of what I write doesn't make sense unless you're me. If it does, then I am very sorry you have to feel the pain and confusion like I do. I'm sure if you are a teenage girl then you can relate. This one is me being pissed off at someone for calling me fake and my friend a poser in the same time period. It was like...August.Sometimes I think of how I used to be a "loser"And I think of how Itried so hard.Now I don't know what I "am"Labels.And frankly I don't care.Wait.Yes,I do.Teenage mindsnotmadeup.Confusion.Okay that's all for this entry. Next entry shall be my good ones. I'm about to go start another one. I don't like having too much in one though. It detracts people from reading it.Have a good day! &layouts

Okay. I write a lot. Of things. Yes a lot. But I keep them to myself because I don't want to post them on myspace because I don't want everyone I know to see them. So, I'm going to start posting them on here. (That's why I got one of these things.) I like comments! Bad or good! So I shall begin in my next entry. body{scrollbar-face-color:black;scrollbar-shadow-color:white;scrollbar-highlight-color:white;scrollbar-3dlight-color:plum;scrollbar-darkshadow-color:hotpink;scrollbar-track-color:white;scrollbar-arrow-color:pink;} input{background:black;border:1pt solid mediumvioletred;font-family:arial;letter-spacing:2pt;color:white;font-size:7pt;}hr{color:white;width:30%;height:5;} a:hover{height:0;filter:dropshadow(color=blue,offX=1,offY=1)}

language=javascript> Today. School. Sucks normally, right? Well today sucked even more. Let's see.Kerrie didn't come to school. Neither did Amanda. And in my first class, they are the only friends I have. That I love and enjoy talking to. The people that were there hate me. So first period sucked. Then yearbook. I guess it was the highlight of my day, because it was alright. Nothing bad happened. Had a Mr. Pibb and hung out with TR. Then Algebra 2. The same as always. (I don't have anyone in that class so I just normally sit there and listen to others' conversations..sometimes I'm included.) Then 8th period. Amanda came to school for me. So I chilled with her. And I am now the background on Katie's phone because I was walking around with my scarf tied around my head like an idiot, and I suppose it was a funny site so she took a picture. I must say, I was quite the dork. Of course, Josh was absent during my day because he's in assignment school. He called and told me to hurry up if I needed a ride home. So when we were riding home I told him that it's too bad he had to go somewhere- I wanted to sleep with him today. (joke..joke). He said "That'd be cheating." I looked at him. "Cheating on what?" Yeah then I found out that last night when he told me he was kidding when he told me he had a girlfriend, he wasn't. I took off my seatbelt and said stop the car im walking home. He didn't. So i started crying. And I don't hold it back in front of him anymore cause he's seen me do it enough. So I let loose and started yelling at him. I would like to have slapped him. But um...of course not. Never would I do that. But he's lucky. Because the force with which I slammed everything in my house around once I walked in would have taken him to the hospital.I kill life. body{scrollbar-face-color:PINK;scrollbar-shadow-color:light pink;scrollbar-highlight-color:pink;scrollbar-3dlight-color:pink;scrollbar-darkshadow-color:lime;scrollbar-track-color:white;scrollbar-arrow-color:black;} A:hover{COLOR:hotpink;background:url(http://members.aol.com/happyclam38/images/hooplabg.gif);}hr{background-image:url(http://members.aol.com/happyclam38/images/hooplabg.gif);width:65%;height:4;border:0;}input{background:url(http://members.aol.com/happyclam38/images/hooplabg.gif); border: 2pt solid pink; font-family: verdana; color: black; font-size: 10px;letter-spacing:0pt} -->