Well we officially own a house! Its an amazing feeling to be done with that process. The house is awesome, and I cant wait to live there finally! On the downside. The previous owners were fucking disgusting pigs. They left 9 bags of trash in our garage for almost a week - so the whole house reeked like cabbage and spoiled milk. There were ant traps everywhere, nothing was cleaned up. Its a mess. Its a good thing I enjoy cleaning and have OCD to boot. hahaha. Im just pissed. If that was my house I was selling - I would make sure that the people buying it would walk into a clean home, that smelled good. It kinda ruined the moment for me. He did carry me in the house though. While having a broken toe. What a guy! Drank a bottle of champagne on the porch. Straight from the bottle. HEY NEIGHBORS! We're here to fuck shit up. My kids wrote on a leather chair with a pen. Tried cleaning it up today. Succeeded in wearing down the leather instead. Fuck.

We close on our house tomorrow!!!!

Im so damn frustrated by my whole situation anymore. Somehow the closing paperwork got fucked up, so now we're waiting for a new close date. IF it even happens anymore. Its so confusing and legal and way over my head at this point. Got into a huge damn argument with him on Saturday. ALL I wanted to do was watch HP and chill out for the day. I never, EVER ask for a movie day - especially here. The whole damn series was on TV for the weekend. NOPE, he decide to invite his friends over to drink, and bought booze.. and just UGH. No one even asked me what i wanted, if i cared, etc. They just did it. So I felt completely left out and like what I wanted didnt matter. So we argued. And he didnt get it. He never does. I hate when he argues with me here - because his whole position is to get as loud as possible, knowing I wont yell back. I did. I inadvertently got shitty with his mom because I was in the middle of this ongoing argument with him. After he SCREAMED at me on the porch - then followed me to yell at me some more. I left. Without saying a word. In the 7 years we've been together, ive never done that. I just couldnt do it anymore. I drove across the fucking city to go to my sisters. Things are good with us now .. but his mom is being pissy. IDK what her deal is. I apologized yesterday, and I thought that was it. She can be as shitty as she wants to me - DONT be an asshole to my children. She was so damn rude today. I ignored it, offered to help numerous times, etc. If your mad at me, talk to me. Im an adult. We can figure shit out. This is ridiculous. Went to a friends kids birthday party. Somehow got stupid drunk, and fell asleep in the back of our car. hahaha. And I somehow ripped off half my damn toenail. Wtf. I just need a break from this. I need my own house. I need my stuff. I want to be in charge of our lives again. This is too much. Watching my daughters' face sink because people yell or get shitty with them is not ok anymore. They need their life/stuff back.F

My daughters birthday was good. She got spoiled rotten. haha! But thats what birthdays are for. The awesome part is our families know to buy something small for the other girl so that they dont feel completely left out and miserable. Which helped SO SO SO much. She got a leappad2 .. so now both girls are sitting here, spaced out into game land. Which is nice bc I need some time this morning. I have that job interview with the employment agency today. I feel like throwing up. Not because of the interview itself. BC i have to go to the north side, and Ive never been there. My brother & sister were both jumped there. So here I am, pathetic little white girl, about to vomit because Im scared. Ughh. Also .. all of my dress/interview clothes are in storage. So I have to make due with nice jeans and a nice top, and pray that they dont think im an asshole. lol. My back is still killing me. Although it feels slightly better today. It took me an hour to get comfortable to fall asleep. Plus i'm pmsing so my husband is avoiding me like the plague because im apparently just a giant bitch right now. Whatev. Alright, time to get motivated.

Today is my daughters 3rd birthday. When I started this blog, I just found out I was pregnant with her. (then I deleted almost every entry) She's the sweetest, craziest, funniest little girl. So much attitude in a 35 lb package. A mini version of myself (i dont know if thats good or bad, time will tell.) She's awesome, and I love her more than myself. Happy Birthday chicken nugget, momma loves you! A couple days ago, my hubs saw me reading my OLD blog. I was logged into this acct, but I was still mindfucking myself with the old one. Welllllll.. he got all weird about it. Like - i wasnt supposed to have a life or feelings or date before I met him. So now this blog is set to friends only until he forgets and moves on. Hes not harping on it, or being mean. But he keeps making weird comments. Whatev man. I had a lot of fun times before I met you .. that blog reminds me of so many good, bad, wonderful, crazy, insane memories. I deleted A LOT of entries - and now I wish I didnt. But .. maybe in hindsight it was for the best because he cant read them. lol. So a couple months ago, I started getting a weird, dull, achey pain in the middle of my back, right side, next to my spine. I brushed it off, even made jokes about spine cancer. (because cancer is just fucking hilarious. :) .. ANYWAY. It comes and goes now - and I only really notice it if I sit weird and I lean on something, or if someone touches it. Yesterday I was playing with the girls .. giving them flying rides on my legs, flipping them over, etc. Well I was laying on my stomach, and my girls were taking turns walking on my back. My 3 y/o fell .. and my 5 y/o got a kick out of this. So the 5 y/o decided to fucking CANNONBALL onto my back. all 45 lbs of her, directly onto the part of my back/spine that hurts. Immediately I couldnt breathe, my back completely froze, I just layed there in shock and pain. Finally (after keeping the girls off me) I was able to get up and go sit down. I let it go, and throughout the night it got worse. It kept cramping and spasming. I had to go to walmart to get gifts - and almost cried because they locked the doors on the side I was parked on - and I had to walk across and around the store to get to the car. My husband couldnt or wouldnt walk with me - which pissed me off. Finally got back here, and I just went and layed down in bed after taking 3 extra strength tylenol - THAT DIDNT HELP. I just stared at the ceiling with tears rolling out slowly. This hurts like hell. I fell asleep finally after I wedged a pillow under my back. This morning I'm so stiff, my back is all cramped up, and it hurts to do anything. Ughh. :( I have an interview with an employment agency tomorrow. Fingers crossed that I get a job.

4th of July was good. Hit up the parade in Brentwood with my sister while our kids hung out. She didnt tell me that my makeup was LITERALLY MELTING DOWN MY FACE. "The word of the day is dickhead. YOU'RE A DICKHEAD FOR NOT TELLING ME! Whaaat the fuck." hahaha. Came back here, had a bbq with his whole fam. Went swimming. Had mojitos with my MIL. Watched my husband almost blow himself up. Ate a bunch of really delicious food. Great, great day. Finally got down to the hospital again. John's back!! He's back to being his old self, and I cant express how much that meant to me. I missed the hell out of him. He still has a lot of PT & OT to finish, but he's come so far already. He CAN do this. I was smiling ear to ear. I will perpetually feel like a teenager living at my in laws. Things have been amazing this time, so I dont want to jinx it .. but I feel like I did something wrong, or I broke a rule. Then again the girls were out of control today, so that could have something to do with it. No news on the job front. >_< Hopefully something with that will sporadically happen this week. Laaawd knows I need a job. 5 days til we close on our house. I cant wait. Hubs & I went on a very adult date yesterday. We browsed home depot for an hour looking at cabinets, back splashes, counter tops, and flooring. Im getting my way with the kitchen remodel - yay! Then we went to Pier 1, didnt see anything there that we liked other than wine glasses... AND i almost broke this elephant magnifying glass while an old couple laughed at me. hahaha! After that we went to Bed, Bath, & Beyond and played with gadgets for a while looking at stuff we needed. Weighed myself. (I gained 10 lbs in a year... I officially weigh more than I did in HS without being pregnant this time). Went to dinner at this little italian joint, then came home and went swimming. lol. The girls were with their grandparents all day at an arts & crafts festival. They loved it, so that was a bonus.

A week away from closing, and I swear im about to lose my mind. Ontop of all the stress I have from closing, I'm just spiraling with everything else in my life. Currently im jobless, and pretty much applying to anything that *might* consider me and/or hire me. Which sucks, because in DE I was making 10 an hour, full time, and had the chance to promote. To come back here ... to nothing. I get hammered on all day everyday about finding one. Then another situation in my life has me completely fucked in the head. My BEST friend in the entire world was involved in a motorcycle accident on Memorial Day. Broken ankle/leg, his spleen needed repaired, fractures in his spine, and a traumatic brain injury. Other than his brain injury - hes recovered really well. Spleen is good, leg is in a cast, fractures in spine being taken care of, over the pnuemonia he had while in the ICU. But. The brain injury is a LOOOOOONG recovery process. Hes getting better very slowly, but hes getting better. His gf told me the other day he had a few days of clarity and seemed to actually know what was going on after his Dad explained it to him. I saw him 2 days prior to that, and he didnt even know who i am .. even though we've been by each others sides for 15 years. Hes so angry and anxious all the time. His filter is completely gone. Hes done a complete 180 from who he was. I pray daily that he recovers fully. I feel selfish and stupid saying this - but I need my friend. I feel so fucking lost without him. I dont know what to do here without him. Hes the person I went to for everything. (well, not EVERYTHING .. but everything that a best friend offers.) We have literally gone through everything together since we were 15. I love him like my brother (sometimes more than my actual brother) Even if he never fully recovers, he will always be that person for me. Even if he doesnt know me. I hate this so much. This is the 2nd person (the other being my mom) that im close with to go through a TBI .. and I wouldnt wish it on anyone. Its awful to lose a person like this. Everytime you see them your reminded of who they used to be, and everything you shared. To see the look in their face when they dont know you, to not remember your name, it just fucking sucks. If I had only one wish in the world - it would be that they would never have to experience this, that everything was normal again. That wont ever happen, so I'll do what I always do. Plaster a fake smile on my face and force myself through every day until it becomes my reality. My sense of reality is warped. I need a strong drink.

And. I'm back to sit. After I deleted every entry except 2. Finally moved back to Pittsburgh for good. After moving to Louisiana for 3 years, then back to Pittsburgh for a year while Justin was in S Korea, then to Delaware for a year ... Im finally home. He went into the reserves from active duty. I have mixed emotions about this. Mainly because Pittsburgh brings back a lot of memories. Mostly good - but there are those fucked up moments in my life I was able to forget NOT living here. I was more confident when I lived outside of this city. I was happier (after I treated my ppd & ptsd). I became a different version of myself. Not saying it was all good, because the cake incident of 2013 was tragically epic. But mehh. Pittsburgh is and will always be home. I just loved living away from all the bullshit thats here. I turned 30 in March. (WTF.) Not much different. I still feel like an immature asshole 70% of the time. Except now I have kids and a husband and bills to deal with. Speaking of bills. We're currently in the process of BUYING A FUCKING HOUSE. We're in the the underwriting phase of this nonsense. So now all we have to do is pay closing costs and that motherfucker is mine. LETS RAGE. I cant wait to finally own. OWN. Its so fucking grown up I cant handle it. If I want to paint the walls orange, I can. If I want to make the basement steps a slide .. I can. NO MORE LANDLORDS. NO MORE BULLSHIT. NO MORE MILITARY HOUSING. FUCK. YES. With that comes a whole shitload of other stress that I cant even put into words. Bills. Money. Bills. Projects. Remodel. AC? Fences. Lets put a dogwood here. No fuck your hot tub, this isnt the 70s. I want a damn pond. No save the yard for kids. I hate the counters. I like them. We need to do the kitchen. I want a kayak. wtf? I just lost 3 damn paragraphs. Im done.

For some reason, I listened to a couple Hollywood Undead songs tonight. And there's a line from "Black Dahlia" .. "I used to lovestruck .. now I'm just FUCKED UP". HAHA. For some odd reason, I remembered I made a shirt with that saying on it, and wore it to Patty Jo's, with the sheer intent of pissing someone off. HAHAHA. Now I'm wondering where the hell that shirt went. My dad probably threw it away. lol. WOW. Then I just kept thinking of times like that, and I have no idea why. Now I'm listening to Gym Class Heroes. GOOD TIMES. Patty Jo's in GENERAL. Greatest local bar of all time. I should've ended up with alcohol poisoning from that place NUMEROUS times. lol. The epic, continuous games of beer pong. Hey Jealousy. Run Around Sue. Tequila tastes like straight asshole - "that's how i lost my virginity, then i was doing math homework and had to run out the broads' backdoor when her parents came home". Bruce, in general. MAR! - Best bartender of all time, who I just learned now OWNS the bar. Jim, Genesis, The Lap Dance. HAHA. Playing Uno. Redheaded Sluts. Smoking bowls in the bathroom. Doing, ahem, other things in the bathroom. LOL. Jules, Lil Lindz, Melissa/Kevin - DARA'S DRUNK/No Woman No Cry, Dan, Mike - ahem, Rick James, The Boys from Sunseri's, Mike D/His Dad - who inconveniently hit on me CONSTANTLY, Mr. Magician, Blowjobs [the shots, not the sexual act], RED DEATH .. so many good times FROM ONE BAR! John. Many Drugs, Many concerts, Many talks, Rare arguments. The road trip. Vine Street. Club Zoo, kicking him in the nuts 6 times in a row @ club zoo, and having the bouncer yell at HIM - lol. The jackass tape where my ONE PANT LEG ripped completely off at the top of my thigh. Jamesons. Tirama Dew. St. Patrick's Day. 420. Ignorant - ha. lkafja disgusting!. Where I almost toppled out of my chair backwards. Him puking out of the window going 55 down the highway .. "Kelly you gotta let me out, he ain't movin for shit". The 2 Halloween parties - both of which ended in fights. LOL. KMK. Jules. ha. Cough Syrup. The completely naked heterosexual shower. GIN. Watching her head bounce off GRASS. Professional Murder Music/Jones Soda. PM5K. That one Type O Negative song - PLAY THE CLAP SONG! Crown Royal. Patty Jo's. Her grandfather accidentally punching me in the eye. The cops are coming! The summer of Tony Hawk & smokin in my brothers room. "Julie would you like a mint?". Beer Bonging Screwdrivers .. then breaking a chair. HA! Melissa/Kevin [melevin/kevissa]. No Woman No Cry. The 4th of July camping trip in POURING DOWN RAIN for 3 days. Patty Jo's - Dara's DRUNK. Reggie Bush beat up the Prom Queen. [lol]. Ladderball. Beer Pong. Shotguns. White Zinfandel. Jesus. St. Patrick's Day '08. Dani. Mardi Gras. H2O. Clovis! NOT CLAYTON! Twin. Pot, Fox, & Llama farm. Fox & The Hound. Disney Cartoon movies in general. Car Dancing. The Blinkies. Moose stuffed animals. Waxing my eyebrows. 420. "I like my men like I like my bread - white". 4 hr aim conversations. Bert. Random phone calls till all hrs of the morning. Laughing maniacally. Ballfunk. Fafa. Him falling in Unimart's parking lot. Finger stabbing his eye socket. Non existent tags. Spending days @ a time at his house the one summer. That one random party? lol. Where Will threatened to stab me or something. HAHA. The Handcuffed eat n park experience. South Side.

Feels like you're dying, you're dying You, your sex is on fire Consumed with what's to transpire Hot as a fever, rattling bones could just taste it, taste it If it's not forever, if it's just tonight Oh, it's still the greatest, the greatest, the greatest I love that song! <3 It came out this yr, right before Justin left before BT. It'll always remind me of that saturday night before he left. ALWAYS. I love how certain songs can bring back memories, people, places, etc. But at the same time I hate it. For example. "Making Memories of Us" Keith Urban, "Bless the Broken Road" Rascal Flatts, "Follow Through" Gavin Degraw, "Lucky" Jason Mraz/Colbie Caillat, "Sex on Fire" Kings of Leon, amongst about a million other songs - all remind me of my husband. Each one is a memory, a time, or place. It's incredible. "Friends" Kottonmouth Kings - makes me think of John, and all the shows we've been to together. "Hey Jealousy" Gin Blossoms - will always make me think of Julie & Patty Jo's. Panic at the Disco will constantly remind me of Rob. haha. Panic in the KITCHEN! :] "Round Here" Counting Crows will make me think of ArmyJosh, and will constantly make me want to beat the living SHIT out of that kid. "Beautiful" Lifehouse .. will make me think of that tall fuck, and make me want to rip my ears off of my skull and force feed them to my dog. It makes me angry and nauseaus at the same time. Most Ozzy Osbourne songs bring up either good or bad memories. Good - because I met Justin [my husband] at Ozzfest! // Bad because my ex, that crybaby, was practically in love with Ozzy, and he destroyed me mentally. "It won't be like this for long" - Darius Rucker will always make me think of my daughter, Gabrielle. It's amazing how quickly they change and grow up. "Fade into you" Mazzy Star will always make me think of Nate. I have no ill feelings towards him. There's an Alanis Morrisette song that will make me think of this kid Zach I had a crush on in 8TH GRADE. lol. All because I saw him on the side of the rd as I was driving by, and it was playing. LAME. lol Any song by Genesis makes me think of my Mom. We have an uber love for that band. "No Woman No Cry" Bob Marley will ALWAYS remind me of Melissa, Kevin, & Justin, and that night after Patty Jo's .. LMFAO. :] My Imogen Heap cd will remind me of being pregnant while Justin was in BT. It sucks, cause I love herrr. <3 There's about a million more songs that I can do that with. I associate music with people, constantly.