oh, God, i feel terribly sleepy. Especially when i realise that i have so many things to do. what abt life? it goes. The session is comming. So its gonna be pretty soon, well, i dont feel anxious abt it, but thats still a pain in my ass. yeah.. and i applied for i job and I'll get their answer after May, 10. If i am employed, bye-bye North Carolina.

Aha..) Ive never thought that Dalai Lama is gonna live at my place,,, may be occupy my own room. So he and his gf. and some other people aer chatting now in the living room and having coffee. but what i want now is ... S I L E N C E...

I believe that people are born good. I mean - just from their cradle. But they become bad when they begin prove that they are better than others. whatever NOw I'm a teacher. And i have a class (they are 13) of 12-years-old kids. Firstly, it was hard as hell. I didnt get along well with their previous teacher of English, just b'coz she is bitchy old lady. I had to scream and shout to make them sit calmly. But they still get on running and jumping during the class. And then we turned to acting. I thought - ok, guys, you wanna move and express yourselves - do it! We are making a play "three little pigs". Its short and simple, coz they really cant put a couple of words together in a phrase. But its fun. Im like a Big Mom. ) heh... We also learn songs and sing them. Still, my practice finishes that week.. and I'm sure I'm gonna really miss these bastards :). ______________ P.s. I'm back. And i've really missed you, guys.

sing with the wind play with the fire ... its easy to get anything you want when(and if) you want anything. I has proved it several times. it seems i got tired of constant wanting and striving for something. Tired of rinning towards the falling sun. So let it be just walking in the darkness. never knows what to expect

I'm not a Fatalist i'm a Fighter. So fuck off. __________ I try to be friendly. With everyone. But it doesnt mean I wanna be a friend of everyone. And.. I'll never let you stand on my way & pretend on my destiny. Even when i smile, it doesn't mean "welcome". I always smile.

Nothing is certain. probability theory never proves itself in life. Actually it's never heads or tails, never ever like that. Precise sciences never work in the real life. Only your intuition. at times you are tired of making choices. And these times i'd love to live in a manual of physics where everything is certain and proved.. and you trust it unconditionally.

Yeaps... I used to have a cactus. (It was alive for a half a year, not more i guess) It was a usual one..like... green, yeah. and extremely thorny. It never grew higher. it never flowered. but it seemed that it was growing wiser. day by day. thats what i kinda feel. growing wiser. may be older. i dunno. It seems to me that i noot just clearly see the things around and know what to do abt them. I start feeling how to live. may be just the matter of some life experience. but... i dont wanna enter the grown-up life.. maybe not the one that i think is a grown-up life.

i found it. a key to myself. a key to open the living. let me tell you... do u remember your childhood?.. I mean.. You were used to.. play. Yes to PLAY. There used to be some games. and the games had rules. and ..like.. within the game the rules were strict, but.. any time you could say "OK, i'm outa here". and.. yes. FINITA. And no harm. today. the same thing. I say now "OK. Let me play". and I'll play. I'll be really serious playing the life. And i know the rules. I'll be playing, OK? Just.. please, don't tell me that it's serious. Don't tell me that life itself is serious. Let it be a game. Just a game. Just to know that any time you can escape.

no surprise life is a FIGHT me -vs- me i feel.. there are powers that are fighting IN me WITH me AGAINST me FOR me and .. i don't know who is gonna win. that something that wins will become my new FAITH and REASON of living. that all.. is so hard to put in words. OK... whatever. Just needed to put it down. _________________________________ Still. Life goes. 2 exams out of 4 are passed. Better than i'd expected. i take it as a .. routine. now i don't want to change anything. thats.. kinda sad.

am starting to pass the exams it's a prob already i've already failed.. well.. yeah... some. but they have nothing to do i'll pass it anyway, it's just.. the thing to go through

June... Hello-o-o-o... anybody out there? spring, yeah... bye. you were terribly beautiful... no beautifully terrible. Ok, so what i've been through.. 1) ... 2) ... no, i'm too lazy to count this stuff. So what i need to say is.. that it's over. I'm tired, so tired of it already. It was fun, but that all was kinda unreal. i mean.. i've thought that all this was happening.. not to me. And... i don't know what i am feeling now. indifference. may be. i'm counting the cows on the fingers to fall asleep. there's a war somewhere or an airplane crashes and i close my eyes. to fall asleep. to wake up and.. understand.. that all this is happening to me.

Telling fortune, telling fortune by flowers to be or not to be to say or not to say to give up or not to snatch away or not .. whatever.. it doesn't matter actually how various your choice is.. at the end there would be only one thing. what matters? i don't know.

the path remains, even when the road is broken. It's night already here. i like to watch sades playing on the dark leaves of the maple in front of the window. listen to the rain .. and smile. in 2 weeks my exams start. till july. well... i'll get over them. thats' just.. routine again. and... i dream. i dream of stuffy summer mornings and fresh sea breeze. i dream of dark nights, of their whisper, meek glances and hot grains of sand in humid palms. i go along the path, along the broken road that i've built once....

not knowing what for... but struggle. to stay alive. not knowing what for... but believe. to have a light to get warm. not knowing what for... but ... i don't know. these are the only things i do. when one falls down, he(she) laughs or cries. when one gets on the top, he falls down or flies up. does it really matter what we do after a rise or a fall? we learn something. and till we are alive... that's all right, mama ... that's all right, mama

the simplier you take things - the easier life you have. nah. i dont want it. if i were like.. all these mini-girls in mini-skirts with mini-thoughts life may be would be.. easier for me. well. it's all Ok. anyway. we were in this... sport bar. guys were watching hockey & drinking beer. i was drinking fizz. smiling. And then went to WC to "powder" and asked a guy to care of my belongings... we chatted, sure.. and all this stuff... and the way he looked at me, his eyes were saying "hey, let's hang out together and then fuck in my car after all, heh?" I'd agree. and.. would i be ashamed?? no! that's the times when i want.. just to get away. all out of here. when you get tired of faces around. you look for something more, still not knowing what exactly you are looking for. thats the time i want to vanish in the universe.

He presses Save she presses Delete (c)aquarium Nothing matters nothing but your personal attitude, your life (& things) perception. again... love, friendship, treachery... no, nothing. only the way you treat them. so.. why should i care? why should i suffer (if i do not enjoy it)? the answer is clear. we are humans, created to FEEL (to laugh and be happy, to cry and feel blue). not to feel is the easiest philosophy. and when i say... that.. like i confess that i've failed smth, that i've lost the set of life... i am happy. really i am. because that all means that I CAN FEEL. I AM ABLE TO FEEL. and i am smiling. my life is .. so wonderful, so unpredictable. shit.. ) thats all good )

just...eh... talk to me... well, busy? yeah i see... [shit!] anyway. i just need... a sort of attention... it doesnt mean that u REALLY have to talk to me... no.. i am OK.. [shit. of course i am!! 10000 of times i am OK!] you ask me what i want to talk about! [bullshit. i won't answer this question, coz.. i just don't know] i guess. i just cant understand why things go that way... you know, it's easy to make your friend a lover. but its much harder to do vice versa. yes! friends and lovers are.. a bit great fucking difference! the saddest thing is that.. FIRST WE WERE GREAT FRIENDS THEN.. WE BECAME LOVERS (AND WE BELIEBED THAT WE ARE CREATED TO BE TOGETHER) AND NOW... WE ARE NODOBIES TO EACH OTHER. and thats sad. i should .. ok, forget.. nevermind....

i thought.. e'rything would change. i mean.. all this stuff around, the whole world. it hasn't. people around - they do not really change, only growing older. things around - the same - the do not change. only the layer of dust is getting thicker. i put the final point. i mean my ex-bf & i broke up... and there's no way back. why should i be treated with these bullshit promises of getting together again once in the future?.. no. let's just.. forget all that. all this - good & bad. this summer... i have no money & no job .. still. i'd pass the exams & hitch-hike again. & i do not care. freedom - i would not substitute it for anything else.

still im wondering what to live for, some wise said that theres only 1 sacred thing, 1 thing to live for & 1 thing to die for. and thats all Love. fuck. i do not believe in it anymore. i grew fucking wise i dont like it at all i do not suit the world i m getting used to it ----------- is it bad? ----------- its OK...

thats shitty as hell. i trusted the guy who fuckin offered me a well-paid job not far from here. (he USED to be My_fair_Gentleman... ) So we broke up... so i said goodbye to an opportunity to go to the US, working & hanging out up there. so now im ... like.. kicked out of his life. with fuckin no job, fuckin no hope, and fuckin broken heart. & thats too-o-o late for VISA docs ... as i broke off the contract with this company in the US. & here - no opportunities again. oh... yeah.... __________ I was like.. blind & now i cant even look in the eyes of my reflexion in the mirror P.S. Thats kinda.. sad...