hello! it is crunch time at the moment. Might be doing a big move, although i am not sure. hope you guys are well xx

circus is going well. Some aspects of my life aren't but i am getting help. I hate the cold. I want spring

this year i am finding out who i am and where to go without feeling bad for myself or letting guilt trip affect me

in the past couple weeks i got backstage at cat power did more trapeze tricks and had good times howre you

I am not sure who I am addressing this to, for this year has changed me as a person and I am evolving. My own ego is directing me in the direction I need to head, for better or worse my mind screams I want to go there. Every little piece is coming together, as if all the times before this part in my life existed solely to build me up. After what seemed like decades being fostered as a lost cause all this direction hope and ingenuity has driven me up. I must do opposite as to what I did before, a perpetual dice being spun for all the new possibilities. I enjoy feeling the air on my face, buying a magazine and book, coffee and my journal thrown together because this year I am instructed to feel again. My friends are often scared to talk to me and of interaction. Maybe it is because I am this new wild person who wants to do everything at once, and they have not reached this stage of permanent excitement. They want not to be bewildered but to stay in a cocoon and a shell, one of them and their lovers and their lovers’ insecurities and common ground. I want to believe the night is always young or perhaps the night shouldn’t just be an excuse to live. “Why not Paris?” I grab their hands and exclaim. “Because what does Paris have that the city doesn’t have already?” this sad pessimism is what keeps the common man and woman down. I went through a week where I started off by being on the trapeze, and flying. I moved onto singing onstage in another language which was French of course. I was on this euphoria and bewildered by how things could turn. I documented everything in my brain, as if I etched it myself. Then I crashed because I didn’t have any way to recreate that moment that I was in, with all the other people who chose to be there. I realized everything in my life wasn’t Paris at all. I had this taste on my tongue from everything that happened I could not replicate. So that is “why not Paris!” and the context is changed. From people evolving and people scared to evolve and people halfway there. Maybe by moving out of the industrial city we can all evolve, and not even need Paris as a kick start. In the meantime I rely on hasty decisions, quick calls and having my heart beating too fast to comprehend anything that is normal. I am allergic to normal for it is not in my system. We must move to Paris post haste.

oo! heading there i was nervous as hell. It certainly is not a walk in the park/. I did tissue (climbing up and down drapes) trapeze (hard) and conditioning where you are given a book of exersises and have to do them in a certain time it began by a lot of squats, push ups, and such things as side bastards. Where someone stands over you and you go up and down diagonally. To be honest i am no expert at trapeze. I think its because my arm muscles are weak. Someone suggested chin presses really help. tissue is the good thing for me. basically wrapping yourself around and climbing. im beat so if you want to know more ask!

http://www.vulcana.org.au/ im so excited you guys! xoxoox

woo going to this on the weeekend liveandletdiy.org should be good. and i made a new friend! tops.

23 23 seconds, all things we love will die 23 magic, if you can change your life Your tainted heart, my tainted love, repent now How many times ? As long as you live, how many times ? The world will go around He was a friend of mine, he was a son of god ... he was a son of a gun 23 seconds, in you I see a chance 23 magic, if you change the name of love Your crazy heart, my crazy love, repent now How many times ? As long as you wish How many times ? The world will go around How many times ? As long as you want How many times ? The world will go around He was a friend of mine, he was a son of a gun ... he was a son of god 23

Am i a bad person? please read this and tell me. I have come to the point where i am through with so many things in my life, home, certain people, circumstances. That i have ceased to be the nice and caring person i once was. I don't bother with presents, with shows of emotion. What is the point if i can only get empty. People forgot my birthday 2 years in a row and i am expected to show up to theirs with a smile and hope. I don't think i can live here for a while. It seems like the only person i would miss is my cat. At some time or another everyone has let me down. Or let someone who hurt me move in with them and stopped talking to me. Or spread lies about me. Or assaulted me. I am looking at a couple places. Not forever. But even a 3 week break will help me decide on what to do. 1. New york. The only downside i can see from this is that i am 18 the legal age for everything in Australia, yet not much at all in U.S. Forgive me if i am wrong, but to my understanding i can't go out into social venues/drink/have fun etc? . Now by saying this i am by no means a party animal i just wish to see certain people who perform there a lot. Oh and don't get me started on the 'health care' system. Oy 2. Quebec I have spent some time learning french canadian and getting quite good at it. I want to be immersed in a culture that is totally opposite to where i am now. So this is looking like an amazing option. As i understand it 18 is the legal age of majority there too. I think some downsides are that some places can be more conservative which is not where i want to be at all. 3. Back to Vancouver. I have family there, love the city and everything around it. If i feel too overcrowded its a short trip to Victoria on Vancouver island. I think the age of majority is 19 there though. It is a good option, although i don't want to impose too much on family members at all. So hey help me choose what i should do next. its like a choose yr adventure book or something. xo

Maybe it is because no one really knows about this journal or it could be a motorcade of other reasons. I feel like i do not know myself at all, and if someone where to ask me who i am i would not be able to answer them. I love art and music and making the two. However i don't know what artists i truly identify with. I know what music i am bonding with however. I can't at night because of the pressures of nothing. If someone where to move me from here to another place and tell me i couldn't come back until i knew everything would it really help? Half of me wants quiet solitude to go about my art. The other wants me to push myself so more people will notice my works. el desperado xo

http://www.kerismith.com/funstuff/100ideas.htm

i promise myself i will of moved away from here. promise

Not sure what is happening just yet. I graduated high school last year and man i hated school..just one of those people who do. i graduated that i just wish everyone would leave me alone about it. i literally cringe when i think about school the australian summer makes my skin itchy and anoyying. im spending most of my time in the pool. it might storm? i hope so

are amazing faveourite band for sure. Uh not much is happening. some mixed up stuff though. if you are reading this i hope things are going well for you. i had a sad morning so..something of substance soon.promise.xox

its so humid here. theres going to be a massive storm soon, and then there might be floods. wooohoo. seriously though its so hot i will go out and swim in it. nothing much is happening really. i am getting dreadlocks.xoxo

i think i am ill. its so strange, i make meals and dont cook them properly and put ingredients in that dont work. i lost my flair. words are hard to read, and i keep putting odd letters in them. i get a headache when i try to read as well. i just think im mentally exhausted. Im planning to visit lena next year. (past german exchange student) she visited me this year, so its only fair.Plus she is the nicest girl on earth.

I think the main problem is that no one around me believes i could get over a social anxiety and therefore i don't really try. I mean i was supposed to apply for a job at a cool place but everyone was like "why are YOU applying there?" and so now i feel like an idiot for even thinking about it. And i was invited out later in the week to see a friends band but only told the basic details....so it kinda feels like people don't expect me to have the confidence to go...so im not going to try? i dont know. I mean its like that bright eyes song Lua where he is like i wouldnt reccomend it but it sure is one way to live... i am just expected to be unhappy and stuff. Everyone yells at me for not being able to sort out my life but i cant if everyone expects me to be unhappy forever.

mega storms here! yikes!

i think im asexual lol