I've realized that no one on here, or really just in general, actually knows me... so here are some my top five movies/albums so far... MOVIES: ummm... let's see... #1 Queen of the Damned (awesome concepts, Lestat is sexy, and it's a great dark movie)... #2 How to Deal (I'm definately like Halley Martin in this movie)... umm.... #3 Tristin & Isolde (ultimate favorite romance chick-flick drama movie)... #4 Corpse Bride... or Edward Scissorhands, or maybe Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005) (Tim Burton is a GOD)... and #5... anything by Cameron Crowe really... umm... Almost Famous, Elizabethtwon.... oh and RENT... Jonathon Larson would be proud of whoever did the movie version... okay ALBUMS: Let's start this with #1 Led Zeplin - Physical Graffitti... "Ten Years Gone" is the BEST SONG EVER in my opinion... then there's #2 Gavin Degraw's Chariot... some really amazing lyrics on this album, plus whatever album We Belong Together is on... the song is so amazing... #3 oh... Halifax - their EP album... I think it's self-titled... some really great music there... and #4 The Like .. .actually I forget the name of their album, but they only have one out right now so that's it... some serious angry chick rock power going on... and #5 umm... #5 would have to be Swimfan soundtrack... or maybe something by Paul Westerburg... or NIN Note to self... really need to extend the list from five... P.S. - My fast lasted 66 hours and the clock stops anew tonight @ midnight.

Last night I had a dream. I knew it was a dream because it was too perfect. I was back all the way down to 110 lbs (my goal to get to by Thanksgiving by the way) and I was working @ FYE up at the Mall and this really REALLY hot guy walks in... tall, muscular, dark hair, tan... and he just starts talking to me in his amazingly sexy British accent for no reason at all. I loved every minute of it... all five or six there were before my manager walks over that is. Then he asks for my number, and not being the usual shy, cautious person I am... I do. For almost three weeks we talked to each other from 8 PM to anywhere between 3 and 5 AM... EVERY NIGHT! Then he finally asks me out and we go to this beautiful garden/park/whatever it was at night and it's just so beautiful. We end up sleeping together that night and he popped the big question and I say yes. Can you just picture it? Me... back to my old weight and beautiful again... with my dream guy... LITERALLY! All I know is that I woke up on the floor holding/hugging one of the pillows, I guess thinking/wishing it were him. Oh... and his name is Nickoli, Nicki for short. I remember this because he also called around Noon on Independence Day on my/dad's call phone (mine recently broke... again so now we're sharing) and my dad got pissed because we were having a BBQ at my Gran's house like we used to when I was little... and I talked to Nicki for over an hour then, too. If only that would happen in reality. If only, if only.

This quote sums it up for today... "Every song ends, but is that a reason not to enjoy the music?" That's how this is... parts of your life change and/or end, but you have to enjoy it as it comes to you.

On Xanga they're trying to shut down all the sites and blogrings that contain ANYTHING to do with eating disorders (ANA, MIA, EDNOS, ect.) and self-injury (aka SI - cutting, burning, etc). They can't do that... there's this thing called free of speech... and they are in serious violation of that. I could understand if they were just asking anyone with those intentions to tone it down a bit or put they're sites on private or friends/subbies only or whatever it would be... but shutting them down altogether isn't the answer... it's just wrong. 'I think about you alot now - up there, in Heaven, with the lovely angels, whose hair you get tangled up in. Silly how jealous of them I am.' - "St. John the Divine"; Author Unknown

I guess rainy days are good for something; I wrote like five songs today and they all KICK ASS! They're very EMO and TEGAN AND SARA sounding songs. "And Hansel said to Gretel, 'Let us drop these breadcrumbs so that together we find our way home because losing our way would be the most unfortunate of things.' This year, I lost my way.... And losing your way on a journy is unfortunate; but losing your reason for the journey is a fate more cruel.... The journey lasted eight months. Sometimes I travelled alone; sometimes there were others who took the wheel, and took my heart. But when the destination was reached, it wasn't me who had arrived... it wasn't me at all."

"There are six billion people in this world.... Some are coming home... some tell lies... others are finally facing the truth."

'M IN LOVE... I'M IN LOVE... I'M IN LOVE....I'M IN LOVE! Half the night I waste in sighs In a wakeful dose of sorrow For the hand, The lips, The eyes, For the meeting of tomorrow. - Tennyson "Yes, losing your hearts desire is tragic. But gaining your hearts desire? It’s all you can hope for. This year, I wished for love. To immerse myself in someone else and to wake a heart long afraid to feel. My wish was granted. And if having that is tragic, then give me tragedy. Because, I wouldn’t give it back for the world." - Peyton (OTH)

I FEEL LIKE PEYTON SAWYER DID IN ONE OF THE EARLY FIRST SEASON EPISODES OF OTH, WHEN SHE THOUGHT HER DRAWINGS DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING. I KNOW NOW HOW SHE FELT. I TOO WANNA DRAW A FADING SUMMER OR BLIND FAITH... OR RATHER FIND THE WORDS TO DESCRIBE IT IN MY SONGS. "IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU SEE A GREAT BAND LIVE IN CONCERT FOR THE FIRST TIME AND NO ONE'S SAYING IT, BUT EVERYONE'S THINKING IT... 'WE HAVE SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN AGAIN.'" I WANNA FIND THAT FEELING, BUT I CAN'T. AND IF I CAN'T BE GREAT AT IT, THEN I DON'T WANNA RUIN IT. IT'S TOO IMPORTANT TO ME

George Bernald Shaw once wrote, "There are two tradedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire; the other is to gain it." Shaw knew heartache, as do I. Shaw lost himself... so have I. Who knew that when I woke up today, I would break someone's heart... let alone my own? I just ended everything with the guy I guess I can say I was cyber-dating. (I won't mention names in case he, or other people from YAHOO that knows who it is, is reading this entry.) It all came down to one word he said just seconds ago... "wifey." Will called me that. (tries to hold back tears) I just can't do relationships anymore because everything reminds me of William. I could more than likely take ALL the love ever felt by everyone in the entire world since this moment, put is together and it still would NOT equal the love I felt for Will... and the love I felt back from him. So, I'm gonna go cry now... for two reasons... because I lost Will, and because I have might quite possibly just said goodbye to the only other person in this world who could ever make me feel loved again in my life.

I think I'm about as far as you can get from a beauty pageant cantest. Although... if Hole sponsored it, I think I would enter.

Nothing's harder than admitting you're wrong and really meaning it, knowing you screwed up, wishing like hell you could take it all back. Sometimes the damage is done.

Someone once quoted this song to me... and now that's him inside my head. P.S. - Today is my bestest friend, Chrissy's, 15th birthday... so... HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIKI!!!

Frozen days and freezing time in this journal. Sometimes I look back and wonder... WHO WAS THIS GIRL WHO WROTE THIS? On other days, I remeber exactly where I was and exactly how I felt at the moment - for better or worse. One may think we’re alright/But we need pills to sleep at night/We need lies to make it through the day/We’re not ok One may think we’re doing fine/But if I had to lay it on the line/We’re losing ground with every passing day/We’re not ok