Memorable Quotes from American Pie (1999) Finch: God bless the Internet. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Steve Stifler: She called me and asked for my number. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Steve Stifler: I say, why don't you guys locate your dicks, remove the shrink wrap, and fucking *use* them! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Suck me beautiful. College Girl: What did you just say? Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Suck me beautiful! [girl laughs] Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Friends call me Nova as in Casanova. College Girl: That's pathetic! Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Jeez you don't have to laugh at me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jim: I would like to make an announcement. There is a beautiful woman masturbating on my bed. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jim: You realize we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Steve Stifler: What did you cocks do to him? Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: You came to see me in action? Jim: Yeah man, I thought you sounded really good! Steve Stifler: Yeah man, I think you need your balls reattached! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Victoria 'Vicky': I want it to be the right time, the right place... Jessica: It's not a space shuttle launch, it's SEX. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jim: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like? Kevin: You want to take this one? Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Like warm apple pie. Jim: Yeah? Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah. Jim: Apple pie, huh? Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Uh huh. Jim: McDonald's or homemade? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jim's Dad: I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of [hesitates] Jim's Dad: masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it stroking the salami, yeah, you know, pounding the old pud. [pause] Jim's Dad: I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [On being sensitive] Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: You ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit. Steve Stifler: I dunno, man, that sounds like a lot of work. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jim: She's gone! Oh my God, she used me. I was used. I was used! Cool! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Kevin: Separately we are flawed and vulnerable, but together we are the masters of our sexual destiny. Jim: [imitating dubbed martial-arts dialogue] Their tiger-style kung fu is strong, but our dragon-style kung fu will defeat it! Kevin: Guys... Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: The Shaolin masters of East and West must unite! Fight! And find out who is number one! Kevin: GUYS! I'm serious! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Stifler's Mom: I got some scotch. Finch: Single malt? Stifler's Mom: Aged eighteen years. The way I like it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Michelle: What's my name? Say my name, bitch! Jim: Michelle! Michelle. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Steve Stifler: I'll see you guys tonight, in the "No Fucking Section", right? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [talking about masturbation] Jim's Dad: It's like playing a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. It can be fun, but it's not a game. Jim: Right. Jim's Dad: It's not a game. Jim: No. Jim's Dad: What you want is a partner to return the ball. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [discussing Kevin difficulties saying he love her] Vicky: Maybe the words aren't that important. It's like, I know he really care about me, you know even if he can't say if he does. And yeah, he always talk about sex, but that's ok cause he's a guy, right? Jessica: He got a dick, he's a guy. Vicky: Right. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [while looking at a picture of Stifler's mom] MILF Guy #2: Dude that chick's a MILF! MILF Guy #1: What to hell is that? MILF Guy #2: M-I-L-F Mom I'd Like to Fuck! MILF Guy #1: Yeah dude! Yeah! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [On Condoms] Jim's Dad: Well, they're safer than a tube sock... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jessica: You've never had an orgasm? Not even manually? Vicky: I've never tried it. Jessica: You've never double-clicked your mouse? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Coach Marshall: I don't want any of you boys thinking, that you're gonna score. You don't score, until you *score*! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Kevin: [after Stifler drinks the tainted beer] Hey Stifler, how's the pale ale? Steve Stifler: Fuck you! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Watching Jim's strip tease over the Internet] Finch: Did not just take out that chair. Kevin: Yup, he took out the chair. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Choir singer: [to himself] Just focus on the music Heather: Yeah, that'd be a start. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Steve Stifler: Choir chick! What the hell are you doing here? Heather: Well, uh, I was asking Chris to the prom. So do you wanna go? Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah, that would be great. Steve Stifler: Well, just don't expect Oz to pay for the limo. Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Stifler, fuck! I mean, why do you gotta be so insensitive all the time? Steve Stifler: What? Whatever. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [watching Jim and Nadia over the Internet] Kevin: He's pullin' out the porn. Finch: He's desperate. Jim, just wait till she leaves. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jim's Dad: We'll just tell your mother that... we ate it all. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jim's Dad: [to Jim] Now, do you know what a clitoris is? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Michelle: This one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Garage Band Member: Go trig boy, it's your birthday. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jim: [Naudia takes off her underwear] Holy shit. Finch: HOLY SHIT! Garage Band Member, Garage Band Member, Garage Band Member: [together] Holy shit Enthusiastic Guy: [enthusiastically] Holy shit! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Steve Stifler: You actually said that? [laughs hysterically] Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Shut up! Jim: You did better than me Nova. Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Don't call me that any more. I'm a fraud. Steve Stifler: You guys are pathetic. I'm gonna find myself a little hottie. [shouts] Steve Stifler: SUCK ME BEAUTIFUL! [walks off, laughing] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Steve Stifler: Hey, Kev, seen shit break lately? Kevin: Why? What did you do to him? Steve Stifler: Me? Nothing. I'm the one who ass he kicked. Shit break won't have a problem shitting at school any more. Slipped a little something into his Moccachino. [shows a jar of laxatives] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Kevin: If Sherman has sex before I do, I'm gonna be really pissed. Jim: Sherman? The Sherminator? [both laugh] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nadia: I believe "shaved" is the expression.