I hate when I begin to read teen books. I hate Sundays. I hate how I feel completely helpless. I hate how I still feel for you and miss you. I hate how I don't have anyone anymore. I hate how I'm not prepared for College. I hate this new house. I hate how you don't want a boyfriend. I hate how I fake my happiness. I hate how that is normal. It is weird how everything seems to be going so right, but upon closer inspection, i would rather be in Hell. Nothing makes sense to me anymore to be frank. I honestly feel as though you stole part of my life and I can't get it back. I can't trust anyone. I can't help anyone anymore. I can't even be happy because NO matter my efforts of getting you out of my life, someone brings you back in. I hate what you have done to me, and no one understands. Or, at least, that is how I feel. The worst part is that you even knew how badly I had trust issues and yet you still lied to me about everything. You are like a virus.

I have never felt this free in my life. I am so glad that I no longer have a controlling freak behind me, holding me back from reaching the true happiness that I knew that I deserved. I no longer have to feel bad for hanging out with friends that mean the world to me, or freaking out if I say something because it might upset the monster. I am done playing this childish game. I am done of taking the blame when it is not my fault. I meant it when I said I was done. I meant it when I said this was too much for me to handle. You broke our friendship faster than anyone could mend it. The whole time we have been friends, I have wasted hours trying to help you; trying to better you. I know how much you are worth, and I know how good you really can be. You never let me help, though. You wanted to do things your way. You wanted to destroy yourself. You pushed me out the second you found someone who would let you do whatever you pleased. It doesn't matter that I was right. It doesn't matter that you knew I would be right. All that mattered was that you were happy at that moment in time. You don't understand the mistakes you are making. You don't understand that the road you are going down is hard and rough. You will end up hurt. You sit there and you belittle me. Telling me that I made you feel inferior. Honestly, that is true. I did, but that was only because you acted inferior. You raised me on a pedestal, and I took every opportunity to take advantage of it. I had control over you. Under my control, you were becoming a better person. You had friends. You had A LOT of friends. Then you realized that you wanted to have "fun". You wanted the old life, so you ditched me. I can honestly say that I don't like a single thing about you. I thought I loved you, but, in truth, I loved the memories of you. At this point, I can honestly say that there probably wasn't any truth in them. You have lied to me about so much. You have led me through so much pain that I don't care what happens to you. I know you are going to continue messaging me, but I have my closure. You aren't the person I had as a best friend. You transformed into something that no one likes. The little bit of friends that you do have won't last long when they realize who you really are. I love that I feel so free. I love that I am finally liberated from the torturous spell you had me under. I can finally say I am happy again. You don't mean anything to me anymore. Also, I don't believe you about anything. Nothing about you is real. You are more fake than Barbie. I hope you have a good life, I really do, but I pray to God that no one has to go through what I did with you. Goodbye forever, dear friend.

I thought this would be a night where you wouldnt interfere and then the game of truth and dare popped up. i was asked how i actually felt about you and i found out that i couldnt actually give a straight answer. i am still in love with you and i hate it. i dont want to be and i refuse to admit it to you... this isnt how i wanted tonight to end up.. i wanted to be distracted and yet here i am.. focused more on you thsn ever before... i am not really ready for graduation. i dont want to leave the daily normalness and sll my friends. im really not ready. this is going to be a test of my true strength and i really dont think i am strong enough... everything seems to be out of my control and i dont know who is.. it is scary and i just hope that this is just a phase.

I don't exactly know where to start considering there is a lot on my mind and even more that i want to say. There is so much to say and, honestly, so little time. How did all of this happen? How the hell have we gone from barely talking to you being jealous as hell that I am hanging out with two guys who I could potentionally like? When did you become my boyfriend with none of the perks? It doesnt make sense to me at all. Now I learn that you are talking behind my back saying that the only reason any of them like me is so that I can take someone's virginity? Are you seriously calling me the whore? I wish that you would tell me what is really bugging you. I wish that you would get over me. You missed your chance with me. This is all your fault. You can't string me along like a tool because you can't bear to lose me. I'm sorry that I fell out of love with you and don't have any intention of going back. You should be able to do the same considering you found your soul mate... I guess it all makes sense, though, considering the problems you two are obviously having. You really know how to make someone feel special. No matter what, you always come back to me. In any other way, that would be sweet, but I don't want to be a second choice. I'm worth more than that. I'm not a trophy wife, I am something special that doesnt deserve you! You are going have to choose between me or him if you are ever going to be happy, and I don't think you will be able to. I am making the decision for you. When summer comes, you won't have to see my face. I won't miss you as much as you will me. Maybe we'll meet again, but i doubt it. On to more happier news, I am excited to spend the night in a hotel with some of the coolest people in the world with guest star appearance by the awesome rachel! If she goes, that is... Haha. It is going to be so fun just hanging out before graduation. GAH! I AM JUST SO EXCITED! Baha! Brand new life, here i come.

.:START:. 1. Honestly, how many people have you kissed? Maybe 4. Only 2 of them actually meant something. I thought I meant the same, but that went down the tubes. 2.Honestly, what color is your underwear? Navy Blue. 3.Honestly, what's on your mind? Why are things the way they are now? Why did we never happen? Why am I all alone while you get to be with someone who treats you amazingly? Why do you get away with everything even though it is so painfully obvious that you did what you did. Why do I still care about you? Why is it so easy for me to tell other people I love them, but when it comes to you, the words seem hallow and worthless. Why do you ignore me and blame me when I've done nothing wrong? Why do I feel so out of place in my own world? Why isn't high school over yet and everyone gone so I can re-do what I messed up? 4. Honestly, what are you doing right now? Reflecting and "babysitting". 5 Honestly, do you think you are attractive? I really don't. The words sexy and cute are wasted upon me and I have no idea why anyone could be able to describe me as such. Especially him. 6. Honestly, have you done something bad today?: Not really anything serious. 7. Honestly, do you watch Disney channel? If there is anything good to watch on. 8. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now? Yes, I am. I am so jealous of everything you have. I am so jealous that you have found someone who can treat you so well. I am so jealous that no matter what you do, you get away with everything. I am so jealous that you don't need me anymore. I am so jealous of everything that you are. 9. Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time? Amy Rebecca Roberds. =] 10. Honestly, do you bite your nails? I don't know how people can, to be quite honest. I have tried and it seems almost impossible. haha 11. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute? Yes. I don't know. He's unhealthy. 12. Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret? Probabaly. I don't remember them, though. 13. Honestly, when is the last time you have been to taco bell? With my family some time ago. I don't remember the occassion. I think we were buying clothing items? 14. Honestly, are you loyal? Obviously. I believed you over everything just because you were my best friend. You threw that all in my face, though, and now I don't know what to believe. 15.Honestly, are you in denial? Yes, yes, yes, yes. 16. Honestly, where would you rather be right now? I don't know. I really don't. 17. Honestly, do you like someone? I could never stop liking him until he is out of my life completely. Other than that, I don't know. The heart needs to heal. 18. Honestly, is it going anywhere with them? Hhaaa. It used to be. 19.Honestly, what was the last thing someone said to you? I don't honestly remember. 20. Honestly, what did you say to them? Can't remember what they said, cna't remmeber what i said. 21. Gone out of your way to make a new friend: Nope. I'm not really one who goes out of my way just to make friends. It seems kinda pointless. I also like things to just happen. I shouldn't force a friendship if there is no future to it. 22.Honestly, do you kiss and tell? Eh. Depends on who you are. Are you Rachel? Then yes, I will most likely tell you. .:DIFFERENT EMOTIONS SURVEY:. *Anger Section* 23. What do you do when you're mad? I cry. I throw. I scream. I also use a lot of hand motions. 24. What's the worst thing you've done when you were mad? Said things I shouldn't have. I don't regret them. That's how I really feel. 25. Ever made anyone cry when you were mad? Yes. He told me so. 26. Do you swear when you're mad? Yes... *Crying Section* 27.when was the last time you REALLY cried your heart out? Show Choir State at Lawrence Central 2009. :/ 28. Cried yourself to sleep? Once or twice. 29. Do you still cry when you get an injury? Not really, no. 30. Do certain songs make you cry? Yes, but I'm getting over them. 31. What usually makes you cry? The memories of what we had. Not even just one specific person. Everyone who has ever been in my life and then seemingly dissappeared. *Happy Section* 32. Are you normally a happy person? On the outside, completely. On the inside? Mostly. I have my sad tendencies, of course. I'm a teenager. 33. What can make you happy? Amy Rebecca Roberds. hahaa 34. Does being with your friends make you happy? Yes, of course. I love my friends with all my heart. Even if they treat me terrible. *Self-Esteem Section* 35. Do you believe in yourself? Depends, really. i don't think I'm too good at anything. 36.When people say they think you are good looking/pretty, do you deny that you are? Sometimes, but I'm usually flirting. hahaa 37. Are you one of those people that think they are ugly, dumb, and gross? No. I don't think those things, but I don't believe it when people tell me that I'm the opposite.

I think it's pretty clear what I'm destined to be in life. The "other" guy. Not one guy I've talked to in the past year has been single, but that didn't phase them. I'm glad to know that I have "whore" written on my forehead. Am I not boyfriend material? Just a fun little game? Even my "best friend" used me to cheat. They all say they like me. They all use the right words to get me in their web, but when it comes right down to it, they just want someone to satisfy them. Well, what about me? I wouldn't mind someone to love; to love me back. Isn't there ONE person out there who actually wants more than a fuck buddy? What's worse is I came to you for this and you just told me I wasn't. That's it. No reassurance, nothing. You don't care anymore. You just.. Don't care. It's whatever. Life goes on, I guess.

do you remember the day we first met? do you remember the first day we started texting? do you remember when we so painfully liked eac hother? do you remember when we were so close? do you remember when the police questioned us? do you remember when we were attached at the hip? do you remember everything that i told you? do you remember how happy i was? do you remember everything i gave up for you? do you remember when i ditched everyone for you? do you remember when we told each other everything? do you remember when everything changed? do you remember when the texts stopped? do you remember when the "i love you"s stopped? do you remember when everything seemed to be going downhill? do you remember how much i cared? do you remember the nights i cried for you, worried? do you remember when i took your side even though no one else would? do you remember when we were perfect? do you remember the late night conversations? do you remember my fears? do you remember how you were almost my first? do you remember? i remember. i remember everything. the pain. the joy. you. i remember. i remember when you stopped caring. i remember when you destroyed me. i remember believing everything you said no matter the credibility. i remember. do you?