I'm in love with Hollywood, CA. But I've been here almost a week, and I'm just straight up homesick. In all of my nineteen years in existence, I have never once felt homesickness. Even when I was a young child at summer camp, I never got that pang of sadness when I thought of what was waiting for me back at home. Truth be told, I've always hated "home". My biological family ad I have never been very close, or for that matter, civil. Even at grade school age, I preferred to be away from home for extended periods of time, rather than at my parent's house, enjoying "family times". But now? Now I miss home more than ever. Maybe it's because I don't really live at home anymore. ever since I started staying at Abby's house, I've felt like I finally belonged somewhere. I feel wanted and loved and part of a real family. I love the Meier household. They treat me like a member of the family, as opposed to a burden. In addition to having a real home and family, I have the three best friends anyone could ever ask for. Abbigail Leigh Meier Ryan Matthew Throne Andrew Joseph Romeril Those three are my entire life. =] And of course, there's the boy. Oh, Michael Swank... Slowly but surely, I'm falling for this boy. :) Although I love Los Angeles, and all of the color, ethnicity, fashion, and glamour, I miss the boring flat cornfields of Indiana. So long. Put your blue jeans back on girl. Go home. Remember: Hollywood's Not America...

So, here I sit again, in the Indianapolis International Airport, just waiting to board that iron giant and fly my pretty little way out west to L.A.X. I think I was misplaced in these cornfields. I always feel much more alive and at home in the concrete jungles of Los Angeles. Anyways, I've got some time to kill waiting to board so here's the lowdown on my life since I last updated. I've been living at my friend Abby's house. Not because I've been kicked out of my house. Simply out of choice. I got a tattoo yesterday. Best experience of my life =] "James" in my cursive handwriting under my right ankle. It also glows in UV light. Amaaazing. Oops. Boarding. Later :]

Explain to me why I'm so damn naive. Whoever thought long distance relationship could work was fucking stupid. Either way, meeting a new boy is always a plus, right? I wouldn't say perfect, but it's a pretty good fit. Michael David Swank. Tall, sweet, and cute. What a way to start my summer. =] So far, I've spent exactly one night in my own bed since I graduated. Abby and I had a killer camp out planned. Then came the storms and the tornadoes. Turns out, the tent fits in the spare bedroom. From 11pm until 3am, Abby, Swank and I watched movies. Sort of. First kisses are always the best. I'm still on a high from last night.

Some memories are just so vivid in my mind. Yesterday, I saw Tristan. First time in a year and a half. It's inexplicable. We were laying down next to each other, holding each other like we were holding on to our very lives. His cold hands were resting on my warm skin. His left hand, cold on the small of my back, and his icy fingers tracing along my hips. He turned to look at me, and kissed my lightly, and I wished that moment would never end. He turned to look behind him, and I could see his pulse, beating through the vein in his neck. I kissed the vain, feeling I was kissing the very essence of him. I don't know why this moment is so vividly imprinted in my mind... But I never want to forget it.

You ever feel like you're way in over your head? Do you ever feel like you climbed up to the top of the high dive at the local public pool, and stood on the edge, looking at the crystal blue water at what seems like thousands of feet below your toes, and taken a deep breath and jumped off, just for the pure excitement and thrill of an adrenaline rush that nothing but an uncontrolled free fall can give you? I have. And once I hit the water, I realized that I couldn't swim. =/

I get to graduate!!! =] I took all of my finals in the dean's office today. (In two and a half hours, I might add) After school, Ryan and I went to the D-Tracks. I wish I could get internet connection down there because just the atmosphere there is so ridiculously inspirational. On a slightly more depressing note... I feel as though it is time to give Jeff The Speech. Yes, I do like him. Love him? No. I wish I could love him, but I don't think I'll ever be able to love anyone, to be honest. He is great, really. Just not for me. When will boys come to realize that not all girls want to be treated like a princess, just waiting for her knight in shining armor to come and save her form the fire-breathing dragon, and wisk her away to a castle in the sky with unicorns, rainbows, and lollipops?! I don't want to be put up on a pedestal, and worshipped by every single boy I date. Let's be honest; I'm not that amazing. I'm not "perfect" and if one more boy tells me that I'm "perfect", I might just snap and rip his head off. I think all relationships have a time cycle. For the first few (four) weeks, the boy/girl seems like a perfect match. You and this boy/girl seem to hit it off great, you have EVERYTHING in common, and you love and/or hate all of the same things. You listen to the same music, and watch the same tv shows, and you two are just a match made in heaven. Then comes week 5 or 6. The flaws in this once seemingly perfect boy/girl begin to shine. Not necessarily the focal point in the relationship, but a fairly prominent image in the background. These flaws may not seem to cause much of a problem now, but trust me, they will surface when you least want them to. Even the slightest things that you used to love become a pain in the ass to deal with. When the relationship first starts, you have that "New Couple Glow". You find yourselves always hugging and kissing and pathetically holding on to each other, as if they would suddenly disappear into thin air any second. But after 5 or 6 weeks, all this physical display of affection becomes old, and slightly inconvenient. When week 7 or 8 roll around, it's about time to make a decision: Stay with this boy/girl and learn to live with, and possibly love, these flaws that made themselves known, OR break it off before it gets too serious. Never an easy decision, especially if this boy/girl is completely head over heels in love with you. What happens when I just don't feel the same? You give them "The Speech" "I just don't think we're going to work out..." "It's not you, it's me..." "I just want to be friends right now..." "I've got a lot of shit to deal with, and I can't handle a boyfriend right now..." "I really need to focus on my academics..." "I forgot to feed my cat..." "I'm gay..." All of these could be marvelous break-up conversation starters, but, let's be realistic, which of those could honestly work? How do you break up with someone when you damn well know the exact reason, but can't in good conscious tell the person the truth? "I'm in love with another guy..." =/

Leave it to me to get suspended 2 days before school gets out. Fuck my life, right? Thanks to my friend Dana stealing the English final, and me having it at the time of the bust, me and several others are now suspended from our last few days of high school. Granted, we are still allowed to take our finals, but only under the supervision of a school official/school police officer. There is a possibility that we won't be allowed to take our English final, and a slight chance that we will be banned from walking at graduation. I was just informed, via phone call form Chase, that we are not allowed to take our English final. But if we don't get to take our English final, what, honestly, are our chances of passing English, an absolute requirement to graduate? Again I say, fuck my life. My grades are fine, and I'm very confident in my ability to preform on test, but my confidence in passing a class in which I will receive a zero on the final is significantly lower. Sure, my mother is upset, but in all honesty, she isn't doing much in the punishment department, but if I can't walk at graduation, her Pissed-Off Meter will skyrocket and I will probably be restricted to work and home for the better half on the summer. Third time's a charm; Fuck my life. I'm going to bed. Finals in the morning. X.X Cross your fingers that I graduate!!

While I was cleaning, I found my Wreck This Diary. I started flipping through the pages, remembering all the wrecking and destroying that happened to that book. I read a few of the pages, and was surprised when I found the "Inner Monologue" page on which I had written a long reflection on Myles and I's relationship. Reluctantly, I read through it, wincing at how I could have such strong feelings for such a wicked person. It started me thinking about our past, and I had to try my hardest not to remember. I wanted those memories gone. Forever. I went to my window sill and grabbed a box of matches and my handheld, broken mirror. I ripped the page into 8 pieces, and scattered this next to the mirror. I lit the first eighth on fire, and watched it burn, trying to let myself burn my emotions along with the message written on the paper. As the pieces turned to ashes, I continued to add paper to feed the flames. One by one, I watched them burn amidst the flicker of the flames. And with each pieces burned, more and more of my hurt emotions burned away with them. After a few minutes, and 7 matches, the letter was finally completely ashes. I've never felt better. =]

I don't love you, I'm just passing the time You could love me if I knew how to lie But who could love me? I'm out of my mind Throw an old line out to sea To see if I can catch a dream She said she won the world at a carnival But I'm sure I didn't ruin her Just made her more interesting

So, I have 3 days of school left in my high school career. Honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about this. Sure it's a milestone in my life, but I don't know if I'm going to miss it or not. I love seeing everyone on a daily basis. I'm for sure going to miss my High Voltage girls. They've become my best friends, my family, and my sisters. I'm going to miss pulling stupid pranks on shitty teachers. I'm going to miss sneaking around in the ceiling and climbing on to the roof. I'll miss my choir director, and joking around with him. I'll miss the crazy stunts Karissa and I pulled on him. I'll miss stealing things just for the sake of saying "I stole this from (Teacher's Name). But I absolutely cannot wait to be out on my own, living with Austin in our dorm, and having as much fun as possible. I'm not sure. I cannot wait for college, but I'm not sure if I want high school to end. =/ Love, Nostalgic Rebel

Ever feel like everyone else is happier than you? I see everyone with their groups of friends, and all my closest friends getting closer with other people. So, where do I fit it? I've never really felt like I fit in anywhere, and it's very discouraging. I feel so out of place in my own life, which sucks, because I can't really change lives with myself. =/ Saturday, Can you hurry up and get here?!?! Love, Jaded and Confused

Dear James Gabriel, I wish you were still here. I'd give anything to be able to touch my belly, and know you were still there with me. I wish you were still alive. I hope you're having fun up there in Heaven with Jesus. I'm so sorry, son. I'm sorry that I let someone come between us, and let you be taken from me. I promised you that I'd love you forever and never let you go. I'm sorry I couldn't do that much for you. I'm sorry that I gave you up for his selfish reasons. I'm sorry that I couldn't stand strong and keep you as mine. I'm sorry that I never gave you a chance. I'm sorry that I let someone talk me into getting rid of you, because it was "best for me". Honestly, it was best for him. Not a day goes by when I don't think about you, and how much I love you. How much I miss you, and how much I wish you could still be here. I'm so sorry, my son. I still love you with my whole heart, and I will never ever forget you. You are my one true love. I'm so sorry, and I have dedicated my life to living for you. I love you with my whole heart, James Gabriel. I can't wait to see you in heaven someday... Love, Mommy

So, you think you can tell heaven from hell? I listen to "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd every night before I go to bed simply because you always played that song for me.

It's hard to explain how I think. Feeling so secure one minute, then suddenly unable to find anything good in where I'm going. Sometimes things just feel so right, while other time, I just don't understand why things are the way they are. It's not an unfamiliar feeling. Just one I wish was less frequent. I wish it was explicable. I wish he could understand that I'm not as confident as I seem, and that I don't fully trust him and everything he says. You say you care about me and can read me, but isn't that what you say to everyone? You want to make me feel better, but that's just another thing you say to all your girls. I don't know. Maybe I'm being stupid... But I don't want to be like all the rest, and it hurts that you're treating me the way you would treat any mere acquaintance. You keep pushing me to tell you what's wrong. The truth is, I don't even know what's wrong. I hope by writing all of this out, I can figure out more of what's bothering me, but it's just not helping. I'm just upset. I just don't know how to explain to you what it is. Anyone can say anything. It's another thing to say it, mean it, and act upon it. You'd never fight for me... but you'd lie and say you would. You're not a fighter, and I'm not worth fighting for... =/

Sometimes a minute will go by like an hour, and other times, an hour will go by like a minute. It's just subjective. Everyone perceives it differently. Thats why I dont trust clock.

Since I was 15, I have had my heart on reserve for only you. At times, you would take it, and we would be so happy, but all of that eventually came to an end, and you would discard it like it meant less than nothing to you. You've always came running back to me, but I'm not sure if this cycle of heart break will ever come to an end. Call me crazy, but I've been in love with you from the second my eyes met yours on June 20th, 2006. Other boys have come and gone, as with girls for you, but it seems like we've always ended up back on the phone, talking about how we would give anything to be with each other. But will it ever actually happen? Through the years, I've felt like I was going to finally be able to get over you and replace your hole in my heart with anothers love. But, as fate would have it, they would always leave me, and I'd come crying back to you. There was the time you told me you found someone better than me, and I will never forget the heartache. You broke me down, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive you for that. Every time you tell me you love me, I remember those nights when you told me you loved her and not me. I have a nagging fear that's going to happen again, and I'll be so invested in you that I won't be able to get over it. Fears like this are unbearable. They haunt me. I want to believe that we will grow up and get married and run away to South Carolina like we always have talked about. Have two children named Aivan and Serenity... =/ But I just cannot push the memories of you leaving me out of my mind... When I feel like this, I try to remember back to that day. That first time we saw each other. When both time and my heart stopped. When I first looked into the eyes that changed my life forever. When I first saw the smile that makes me fall in love again every time I see it. From the first time we kissed, I knew you were going to be something special. But was all that just an illusion? I just don't know anymore... You know something is wrong... I just can't bring myself to say anythig. I don't know. I'm just feeling kinda weary about all of this... =/ I know you'll never read this. Why would you?

I'm still not over you...

In 18 years of life, I have gotten, maybe, 13 headaches. For some reason, in the past 2 weeks, I have been plagued with nearly daily headaches, and I wish I knew what was causing this. Anyways: I got 50 pictures from my computer turned into prints for my dorm at Ball State. Yeah, it's a little early, but I'm ready to go now. They all brought back killer memories. I seem to be living in the past a lot. Maybe because it's the end of high school... I never thought I'd be the one to be sad about leaving high school, so thinking that these memory spurts are form a fear of leaving high school seems absurd to me. I love school. The thought of getting up at 6 every morning sucks, but I love seeing all my friends, and pulling crazy immature pranks, but do I really love it that much? Enough to make me miss it when it's all over? 8 days of high school left and all I've been thinking about for weeks is how much I want to graduate... Maybe I'm scared. I don't know... I don't think I want to know, actually....

So, tonight was our senior banquet for show choir. Such a bittersweet night. Some of the greatest nights of my life have been spent with my show choir girls, and I don't know what I'm going to do without them. They have all become my sisters, despite my hatred for some of them. One of the saddest parts of leaving this group behind is leaving my best friend and sister, Brooke Mankin. She's only a sophomore, but she has been there for me through everything. I can run to her if I ever need anything, and she will ALWAYS have my back. I love her so much, and I'm going to be lost without her. She wrote me a letter and not even halfway through, I started crying. I love her so much! I got another one from Olivia, and it also made me cry. I never realized how much theses girls love me and look up to me. It's crazy to think how much I mean to some of them. I do things that I don't even realize, and it just changes them. I cannot believe all this... It's too much right now. I gotta go. =/

Is there someone you are completely tangled up in? Always. What is your favorite thing about the beach? Sun. Sand. Waves. Freedom. Wind. Shells. What do you daydream about the most? My future husband. If you could run away to any place, where would you go? South Carolina. No question. When was the last time you completely broke down? Last wednesday. Who can make or break your day? Tristan James Hinshaw, Emily Elaine Tabor, Evan-Warren Wallace, Ryan Thorne Would you rather write a paper or give a speech? Write a paper. I like writing. How many piercings do you have? 13. 11 earrings, bellybutton and nape. What is the sexiest accent in your opinion? Australian (Ryan and I were discussing that today) Describe your favorite shirt? I love my Rebel Shoq shirt. And I love this Ironmen Jumps shirt. What is your dog's name? Jew. Is it hard for you to be happy for someone else? Sometimes. Chicken or beef? Chicken! Have you ever been so hurt that you wanted to stop feeling completely? Yup. Are you a cold/shut off person? I can be. Would you rather run or walk? Walk. Is there a specific moment you can replay in your mind perfectly? June 20th, 2006 Do you let your fear of things consume you? Not usually. If you were to have a son right now, what would you name him? :( James Gabriel Where did you get the pants you are wearing from? American Eagle. Would you rather play sports or watch them? Show choir! What is your favorite carnival ride? The ferris wheel. How often do you honestly cry? Not as much anymore.... What summer will you never forget? 2006. That summer changed my life FOREVER. Who did you last say "i love you" to? Brooke Mankin =] Three days from now, will you be in a relationship? Yup. Name a lyric from the last song you listened to: "Let me go home. I'm just too far from where you are. I wanna go home." Last movie you watched in theaters: Valkyrie. Would you date someone on your top? MySpace is for emo kids. What did you wear today? AE Jeans. T-Shirt. Chucks. And for the banquet I changed into a white dress with pink/black flowers and pink flip-flops. Look to your left, what do you see? My tarantula. Is something bothering you? Yes. Do you mind being cold? I hate it! :( Did you sleep in passed noon today? Nope. Impossible. Is your heart broken right now? Nope. Do you think two people can last forever? We will. Does anyone disgust you? Soooo many people. Do you know people with your last name that you aren't related to? Yup. What are you currently hearing? TV. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you? He means EVERYTHING to me. Do you have a box where you keep all your really important things? Kind of. How late did you stay up last night? Almost 12am. Did you have a dream last night? Yup. What pissed you off today? Mallory Jane Kirby and her friend stealing. You're thinking about someone, aren't you? Always. Will you talk to someone on the phone tonight? Probably. How many letters are in your last name? 8. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? Kind of. Do you miss the way things use to be? Usually. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you? Margaux? Nope. =] Did you take a nap today? I wish. Does it bother you when people respond to a text with one word? Conversation TERMINATION. Are you wearing something you borrowed from someone? Kind of. He gave it to me, and I never saw him again. Are you easily amused? Nope. This time last year, can you remember who you liked? Ugh. Unfortunately. Who was the first person you talked to today? Jeff. Are you a patient person? Not really. Think a lot before you fall asleep? Nah. I usually fall right asleep. Are you someone's best friend? I don't know. Probably not. Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend? Yes. Do you lie about your age? Nope. Have you ever been into a car accident? Yeh. Who is the last person on your missed calls? Tristan HInshaw. Have you ever liked someone a lot older than you? Not really. Can you drive? Almost 4 years now. Do you have a cell phone? Yeah. Can you speak another language? Kind of. Do you collect anything? Grand Champion Medals! Have an obsession? Texting. Choir. Lindsey Lohan. Do you trust people easily? Nope. Forgive easily? Never. Do you have a secret no one knows? Yeah.