Once again I find myself in the large a dark abyss of trying to date. I am a social retard when it comes to daiting. I never know when a guy is flirting or not. Im never sure. So now I have to sludge my way thru finding a boyfriend. I dont need one, but I want one. Someone to love and kiss and make me feel good. When doing things of that nature with Russ my stomach would squirm with a trickle of disgust. I used to supress it and ignore it but Im tired of denying my very self anymore. I need my heart to sing when Im being caressed. Not writhe uncomfortably. Besides I hate it when guys stick their tongues in my mouth. Its like, "Uh, excuse me? That is my mouth you are defiling with your yucky tongue. Yeah, when I want a tongue in my mouth I will let you know." I couldn't even kiss him with my lips barely apart. The second they parted a just a tiny tiny bit, so I could breathe that damn tongue poking out. Seriously. I know that frenching can be a really erotic, pleasurable, or just plain romantic experience, but not when its like that. I like to build up to it, not just go at it the second our lips touch. Anyways, Ive gotten myself all worked up about it now. Gah. Im glad he's in Idaho, something that USED to make me miserable. Ever since he came and visited, I find myself cooling off towards his. Plus, he sucks in all physical aspects. And I do mean ALL -hint,nudge,wink-. He also is inept at making you feel uncomfortable with something he says. And I swear he lies...A LOT. But whatever. I saw a really cute guy at the store and he followed me out and was looking for me, but I didn't know it tell I was in the car driving away. When I looked back in the rearview mirror I saw him watch my car then go back into the store with his head down. I almost want to go back. Oh joy, trying to find a boyfriend again. Woopie. Well ma filles (my girls, in french) Bea has just discovered me in the office. She made a break for it from my dad and now she is on my lap and typing will be impossible. TTFN dahlings

Dear Russ, Not a moment goes by that I don't think of you and your kindness. Your love got me out of a situation that I don't care to speak of, but would have killed me, had I stayed. I would lie awake at night, wondering; if I left Chuck, who would take me, with a daughter already? The answer became clear after many months of torturing myself and finally relenting to tell you how I felt. Just a crush, I said. I could not overwhelm you, could I? But soon you showed me that you were the one with overwhelming affection. I had to take a step back, and think. What did I truly want? After nights in hell with Chuck's mom, and being persicuted for things I never did, it soon became clear. One call to my parents was all I needed for the ticket. But how to get out? I had no car, no license. Chuck had seen to that. But one word to you had you driving two hours out of your way to come and rescue me. That night, dear, was the bext night of my life. I respected you so much when you showed me my own room, and said the choice was mine. When you sat with me on the couch with just your arm around me, and did nothing else. And of course I have to throw in the naughty, when we got high and just sat and talked. It's been a long time coming, but after months of thinking about this question. The answer is yes. Give me some time, just a little more, and I will be your wife. Christina

But first it must end. And it ended today. I just left Chuck. And, really, Im happy. It would have been two years in january, and I still tear up, but it was for the best. Thats about it, I guess. SO many things going on right now. Last night Chuck called and threatened my dad. He can't get that we are over. Its done, and Im getting a divorce. The motherfucker used to hit me, alright? Throw me around and once threw me outside without shoes and it was snowing. Im not going to get into it though. So here I am again. A single woman with a child. I could ask the question, who would want me? But...I dont have to. Its early stages yet, but maybe...

Can that hold true to Boise? I suppose...beings as everyone AND their dog does meth. Its so bad, there are a million commercials on that are way disturbing and kinda ruin the TV for anyone who doesn't do it. So Im slightly drunk...but not really, but kinda sorta. I havent had a good Sam Adams in a while, and Ive gobbled down a few... I suppose Im mad at Chuck at the moment. I keep trying to get ahold of him, and he just ignores me. Not to mention my whole entire family does not want to see me, old friend wont answer my calls. It kinda sucks. I havent had any ganj since thursday, and its killer. All I wanr ro so is relax and be mellow. Pish. Yeah right. I keep seeing a commerical for girls gone wild, and its irritating. I might go to a b=day party of someone who has mutual friends as myself, and I just want to get all gussied up and do to Chuck as he has done to me. I prolly cant, but whatever. Hes not here, and other...kinder people are. He wont talk to me, and I really need someone to communicate with, and no ones wants to. Am I that bad? I know Im kinda bad...but to be ignored by my own family? When I call all those godforsaken fuckers they ignore me. So my family hates me to. I swear there is a ghost in this house. I keep glancing stuff out of the corner of my eye...and no I am not THAT drunk. Just buzzed, and I saw it before I started drinking. EWWWWWWWWWWW. Pulp Fiction is on, and its the sick part with the two guys and that black guy. Who knows where my life is going. I must be bi-polar, if my last entry was all sunshine ands giggles.

When do you really know that an era has died? Is is at the downward slope, the revolution, or maybe when the next era is almost over? Wow, ma filles! Over a year and I find myself a changed person. I feel like shit for everything I have done, and no matter what, those bridges can never be rebuilt. If only my darling Charlie could read and believe this. The fact that I stomped on everybody does not leave my mind, but I have found a peace, so to speak, and her name is Beatrice Lynn. My daughter. She is over a year now, her birthday being May 29. Surprisingly, I am in California at the moment, but Im visiting with Bea. I have my own house in Boise, Idaho with my husband and our roommate(I kid you not) named Jesus. Life is great. I got off the pills after I went back to Boise, when Bea was 6 months old, and havent touched them since. Drinking, however, has slightly replaced that. But beings as I only have a beer here and there, I think its alright. I wish someone would respond to this, though I doubt it. I am so out of touch with everybody here, and yes...it was my own doing and now I hate myself for it. I find myself wandering, remembering happy times, but there is no one to share those memories with, and they end up weighing me down so far, that I am almost depressed/nostalgic. I hope whoever should read this finds that I am not the same person I used to be. To be perfectly frank, I have grown up. <3

I was watching Chuck play Halo2, and this chick on there sounded so much like Livvy that it reminded me of this old thing. 1. Im in Idaho. 2. Baby is due next month 3. Greg, Chucks brother is the hospital for trying suicide by tylenol, and prolly needs a liver transplant 4. I got a cat named Chaos. She likes to lick then lay on my face in the middle of the night, then jump on the curtains when Im sweeping. 5. I hate it here. 6. Im going back to Barstow in a week 7. Chuck is joing the Navy after Beatrice is born 8. I have an overdue library book. I intend on keeping it, beings as Im leaving. 9. I have cold or cough or something that wont go away. 10. I think Im going to Boise to see Greg today, but the suicide watch guy is creepy, and Chuck doesn't really want to go because he thinks his brother is stupid. I think thats about it.

1. When is the last time you held hands with someone? yesterday 2. What should you be doing right now? looking up whats wrong with my computer 3. Have you ever crawled through a window? yeah, when we locked the keys in the house 4.Where is your mom? laying on her bed, pissed because I want to wait until Chuck is home to watch the Prestige 5. Morning or night person? night, or maybe afternoon 6. Last movie you saw in theaters? Actually, I think it was Pirates of the Caribbean 7. Do you have a crush on anybody now? No 8. Any cool scars? I dont think they are cool 9. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite/same sex? same sex: Maybe their figure. Opposite sex, their eyes and hair 10. What is the first thing you do when no one is looking? take a drag from a cigarette 11. Ever been in love? I am in love. 12. What's one thing your friends make fun of you for? Well, my tendency to be bossy and controlling. In fact, they have started calling me Hitler, and hailing me. 13. What is your curfew? depends on how psycho my mother is feeling. 14. Would you ever dye your hair red? I have. Bright Ariel red 15. You + alcohol = Tipsy after a while, and giggly. But I dont drink anymore 16. What's your worst personality flaw? Controlling, probably. 17. What career do you wish to take in? WRITING 19. Do you want a well paying job or one you enjoy? Both 20. Do you wish to have the same best friends when you're older? The only friend I have that isnt Chuck's friend 100% too is Codi, and I suppose yeah. 21. do u believe in needing a religion? I think people need religion to fulfull their mundane lives and to comfort their insecurities when dealing with things they dont understand or cant handle. 22. What did you wear today? jeans and shirt that will accomodate my stomach 25. Do you like math? no. 26. What about history? Best subject 27. Have you ever seen 5 squirrels at one time? No, just the old granddaddy squirrel that antagonizes my dogs and eats all my plants 28. Can you touch your tongue to your nose? Tcha. No. 30. Did your grandpa fight in a war? Yeah, WWII and Korea. 31. Who's your favorite person to talk to online? I cant talk to anyone online anymore, because of my stupid computer, but I guess Frank. 32. Have you ever used photo bucket? Yeah 33. Do you like hugs? Not really. I feel like Im going to suffocate. 34. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: I have a husband 35. Do you want to be a doctor? I actually do not like doctors. Maybe because of their God-like complex 36. Have you ever fallen asleep with gum in your mouth? No, I dont really like gum 37. What do you do right before you go to bed? Read 38. What do you do right when you get out of bed? Eat 39. Do you love your parent(s)? Sometimes 40. What music are you listening to right now? Sublime, again 41. Do you want to be famous? Maybe for my writing, or my eccentricities. 42. Do you spend a lot of time contemplating life's unanswerable questions? Only dealing with death 44. What do you do on the weekends? Hang out with Austin or Codi 45. How are your grades? Not in school anymore. 46. Do you hate anyone? I have it narrowed down to 4558725 people. Just kidding. Only two. 47. Name 3 things you love to do on the weekends? Watch Chuck and Austin bowl. Watch Chuck and Austin play dominoes Hang out with Codi, while watching Chuck and Austin bowl and/or play dominoes 48. Name 3 things you hate that people do: 1. Trash talk with no reason 2. Trash talk my music 3. Complain about all their petty problems 49. Who would you like to meet? DAVID BOWIE 50. Do you like surveys? sometimes.

I cant get the stupid P off of my hand from the show on saturday. We didn't even intentionally go to it, we just happened to go to the bowling alley, and Chrysalis is playing at the bar, Shooters. I havent thought of Jesse since me and Chuck got back together and I found out I was pregnant. I havent wanted to anyways. But I have this horrendous feeling that one day, like ten years from now, Im going to meet up with him again. Like when he is a fading rock star, and I am this authoress with a strange daughter, fifty cats, and my own private island that is shaped like a skull, we will end up meeting at a deli in New York, and go "Holy fuck, I know you." I dont want to though. I think of Chuck now, and smile actually. I am restless until they come home, but I cant wait for him to get out of bed in the morning, so I can have it all to myself and my growing stomach that wont stop moving in the middle of the night. Funny how bits and pieces of Sublime songs fit my life. Like Garden Grove: "It's you, it's that sh*t stuck under my shoe It's that smell inside the van It's my bed sheet covered with sand Sitting through a sh*tty band Getting dog sh*t on my hands Getting hassled by the man Waking up to an alarm Sticking needles in your arm Picking up trash on the freeway Gettin' depressed every day Leaving without making a sound Pickin up my dog up at the pound Livin in a tweeker pad Gettin yelled at by my Dad Saying I'm happy when I'm not Finding roaches in the pot" and What I Got: why I don't cry when my dog runs away. I don't get angry at the bills I have to pay. I don't get angry when my Mom smokes pot, hits that bottle and goes right to the rock. F*ckin and fighting, it's all the same. Yeah. Beatrice is not listening to Sublime until she is a teenager. At least.

If she doesn't stop kicking me in the ribs, Im going to scream.

I finally got on here. Lemme see. Im having a girl, and her name is to be Beatrice Rose. My cervix is short and so I cant do heavy lifting and laundry and stuff. I think I have another kidney infection. I bought Nine Lives today, and have been jamming out to Pink. I havent been sleeping. And on my last ultrasound the baby was doing the rock on with her hand. Pink Pink - it's my new obsession Pink - it's not even a question, Pink - on the lips of your lover (oh) 'Cause Pink is the love you discover Pink - as the bing on your cherry Pink - 'cause you are so very Pink - it's the color of passion Ah, 'cause today it just goes with the fashion Pink - it was love at first sight Yeah, Pink - when I turn out the light And Pink gets me high as a kite And I think everything is going to be all right No matter what we do tonight You could be my flamingo 'Cause pink - it's the new kinda of lingo Pink - like a deco umbrella It's kink that you don't ever tell her Pink - it was love at first sight And Pink when I turn out the light Pink gets me high as a kite And I think everything is going to be all right No matter what we do tonight Yeah! I want to be your lover I, I wanna wrap you in rubber And it's pink as the sheets that we lay on 'Cause Pink - it's my favorite crayon Yeah! Pink - it was love at first sight Pink - when I turn out the light Pink - it's like red but not quite And I think, everything is going to be all right No matter what we do tonight

I bought my wedding dress yesterday. I saw all the gorgeous white gowns that look so like how I wanted my dress to be when I was little, but me and Chuck decided that unless we have the money to put off a big ceremony, Im just gonna have to stave off all that, and get a dress that wasnt for a wedding. But I LOVE it. Its like a goldish color, but it has black gossamer over it, and stripes going down the skirt where the folds are, and that makes it look more full. The boobs have gathered gossamer, and make my already swollen honkers look bigger, and its spaggetti strapped. Its floor length, and it is gorgeous. We decided that next weekend we are going to Vegas. Then, on like monday or tuesday, we will go to Disneyland for like, two days, for the "honeymoon". Im rather excited. I got some stuff for the baby. Just a mattress for the cradle, and a three piece cradle set, with the bumber, sheet, and little quilt.

Ok people, I need names. Chuck is no longer happy with Elizabeth Ann, and David Peter. He says that his parents are left out, so the only conclusion is to just pick a name that doesn't have anything to do with either parent. Besides, whos parents are feeding us, paying for us, you know...letting us live here?! Mine. Not his. Sure if they were here and they had money...lalalala. But point of the matter is, we need names. Im going to get a baby book, but Im not going anywhere until like, tuesday. So Im going to be wading into the vast catolague of the internet. So if you got any names that aren't the following; Anne, Dianne, Sharon, Rose, Michelle, Bruce, Peter, or Gregory, please let me know.

I GOT A MOTHERFUCKING LAPTOP FOR CHRISTMAS. I also got a retro antique nightstand, an iPod Nano(its so tiny), heaphones, gorgeous sapphire earrings that I had pointed out to Chuck, a new chain for my pearl pendant, Sirius Sattelite radio for my car, Beyond Paradise Blue as well as regular Beyond Paradise with matching stationary both from Chuck, about fifty bucks in cash, a twenty five dollar gift card for Barns and Noble, a charger for my iPod when Im on the go, a really cool medevil looking bedspread, socks of various degrees, and a barrel of monkeys. Plus, Chuck formally proposed to me, and now I have a darling diamond ring, with baggetts, solitares and one big one in the center. We might get married before New Years.

Stupid Austin got me sick. Now I cant stop coughing, and I feel like my sinuses are in a vice. My doctor isn't in till tomorrow, and I still have to pick up a few more gifts for Chuck and my dad. I already got him a double bass pedal, his favorite type of drumsticks, and my dad got him some tools. I had gotten my dad this big copper alligator that he had been hemming and hawing about for months, and I wrapped it in a box with handles, cut out handle holes in the paper, and put a bunch of little holes in the gap on the box. My dad asked me why, and I simply told him the present had to breathe. Ugh, everytime I cough, I gag, and whenever I really gag(like when I used to smoke) I throw up. Thankfully there hasn't been that much on my stomach. Im cold, dropped my book that Im reading to Chuck in the water, as well as a popsicle to help my throat, there is no kindling in the house to build a fire and I am NOT going out into that arctic weather to get some either. Ill just crank up the heater and maybe my mom will get out of bed.

For some reason I getting attached to this journal. Wonder why. I just cleaned the house, did some laundry, and all that. I wonder when Chuck will be home. I found one of my Sublime CDs, 40oz. to Freedom. I need to take it over to Austins today so he can listen to it while he tokes up. I read in my baby book that pot smoking in your first trimester doesn't do anything, and there is really no proof that smoking in your second and third does any real damage. I still dont though, unless my stomach is really rioting, then I'll take a baby shotgun hit. But I feel horrid about it. I think its a boy. [Spoken:] She was living in a single room w/ 3 other individuals, one of them was a male, and the other two, well hell the other two were females. God only knows what they were up to in there, and furthermore Susan I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to learn that all four of them habitually smoked marijuana cigarettes..... reefers I smoke two joints in the morning I smoke two joint at night I smoke two joint in the afternoon It makes me feel all right I smoke two joints in time of peace And two in time of war I smoke two joints before I smoke two joints, And then I smoke two more Daddy he once told me, "Son, you be hard workin' man" And momma she once told me, "Son, you do the best you can" Then one day I meet a man, He came to me and said, "Hard work good and hard work fine, but first take care of head" Whoa rock me to the night Ja say

Who can guess what album this is off of without looking it up and cheating? So I bit off half of my nails. It has now become a thing with me to see how long it takes to grow them back. Last time was like, three days I think? Prenatals and all that. I wish my hair would grow as fast, so I could get another perm. I want curly hair again damnit. Straight hair just doesn't fit my style. I want coffee. Lots and lots of coffee, with irish creame. But whats the point of drinking decaf? That just sucks. And it tastes like dog poo smells. You know, looking out my window, you cant tell I really live in the desert. Apart from the fact that in Daggett we have no sidewalks, and everything is just dirt dirt dirt, and a few evergreens that are more brown then green. The only trees on Daggett-Yermo Rd. are the ones in our front yard, and they are un-yielding apple trees. They are barely turning yellow. I should take a picture. Yes, we should all take pictures from our window closest to our computer, and be like a "what I see out my window" thinger. Im bored.

When I met Chuck the weather was cold, the wind blowing harsh and relentless, and the buds on the trees were not daring to hope for warmer weather and an early spring. In fact, it was a very frost Spring, not just the weather, but all the forces around us trying to keep us apart. I think the only people in the whole world who wanted to see us together were our parents. Funny, isn't it? Parents usually dont want to see their children growing up and growing loved. But our parents, his and mine, but supported us from the beginning. They stood by us, helped us when those would pry us apart and wreck our fragile world, so young. Now we are together, stronger now it seems, but still fragile. We still have enemies, though I don't understand why. We did nothing but be together. We stepped on no feet, only those in our enemies heads. And for some reason they feel justified in doing the things they do. They shouldn't. It is now almost Winter. The weather cold, and just as unrelenting. And once again we will enter the most fragile of seasons, Spring. That is when our baby will be born, and I cant wait. Let those who care to admit think what they will. And so what if they foresaw nothing but this life for us both? I would scoff at them. It is nothing but fate, and I am sure it is perfectly timed. Come what may...All you need is love.

God I am in love with Bob Dylan now. It always happens. When I was taking my first preg. test, Bree was listening to this song, and Ive loved it since I was like, seven, and so then I wanted a copy, bought a best of, and now Im in love. This is what happened with David Bowie. Rainy Day Woman #12 & 35 Well, they'll stone ya when you're trying to be so good They'll stone ya just a-like they said they would They'll stone ya when you're tryin' to go home Then they'll stone ya when you're there all alone But I would not feel so all alone Everybody must get stoned. Well, they'll stone ya when you're walkin' 'long the street They'll stone ya when you're tryin' to keep your seat They'll stone ya when you're walkin' on the floor They'll stone ya when you're walkin' to the door But I would not feel so all alone Everybody must get stoned. They'll stone ya when you're at the breakfast table They'll stone ya when you are young and able They'll stone ya when you're tryin' to make a buck They'll stone ya and then they'll say "good luck" Tell ya what, I would not feel so all alone Everybody must get stoned. Well, They'll stone you and say that it's the end Then they'll stone you and then they'll come back again They'll stone you when you're riding in your car They'll stone you when you're playing your guitar Yes, but I would not feel so all alone Everybody must get stoned. Well, they'll stone you when you walk all alone They'll stone you when you are walking home They'll stone you and then say you are brave They'll stone you when you are set down in your grave But I would not feel so all alone Everybody must get stoned.

My mom went crazy the day before yesterday. Now she hates me, thinks that I turned the whole family against her and ruined HER life. She has been treating me like Cinderella. Like I will be in the office, and she will be doing somethng in the kitchen, and she tells me to come and let my dog in or out, or she'll be in the kitchen and she'll tell me to get her a drink when Im laying down. Because we have to wait to let her "calm down" I cant go anywhere, or do anything, and I cant see Chuck. Im so mad at her. Its like Im being punished for her stupidity. I did nothing. I was the one who got smaked, and yelled at, and she took away the phone from me so I couldn't call my dad and tell him I needed help because mom went crazy. I was crying my eyes out, banging on her door, begging her to let me use the phone, and she told me to get out of her sight, before she blows my head off. Ill never forgive her for all of this. Im pregnant for gods sake. I dont need this stress.

I feel dizzy right now. I can't stand it. I just ran into the doorjam. And this song is tripping me out with its trippy music. I have to go to the doctor today at like, two. I dont want to! I just want to stay at home under my quilt and watch the wind blow every else around other than me. I dont have anything to read though. Ive gone through everything. Maybe I could find another Johanna Lindsey book. Ive been reading her books lately. Can we say romance whore? She is the only romance I will read, because there is actually a storyline behind it.