I don’t know what I want to say to you. I feel like I could say a million things to you or nothing at all. But since I’m writing this and I’m here... Hey.

So you still get extremely awkward in social situations? That made me giggle out loud. Cause you know that's what I do, sort of make you feel uncomfortable on purpose and then sort of giggle at it. We're both going to be 26. -Amanda

I don’t want to look back. I’d rather have a gold-framed painting of those mountains on a wall in the back of my mind next to the old photographs and composition books. All the history, it’s history now. I want new memories, new feelings, new ways for you to look at me and for me to suffer through my stumbling awkwardness that brings all of this (I move my hands motioning to my body) to a screeching halt and leaves me standing in Can’t Say What I Want To Say City, population me. But we’ve got the rest of our lives for that. I’m 26. -Chris

I'm turning 26 next month. How old are you now? I read back on all that we've written and I don't think any of it is silly. I think we were and are pretty emotional and smart. I'm impressed by us. I'll remain impressed. Hope you're well. Miss you. -Amanda

I'll draw you a map.

Do we still exist?

Strange sounds are coming from the hallway. An old man playing a piano mixed with a soft moaning...ghostly, cold. I've fallen off my bed, fighting something in a dream, and the ground looks darker than it usually does. Adjust my eyes. I'm so alone, but I lay there on the ground and it's just beautiful. Haunting to hear things that may not be real but it's 9:29pm and all I want to do is float. Levitate into a crowded room while the fireworks crackle over the rooftops outside. I still hear all the kids screaming and the dogs that don't get along. I'm inside but no matter...cause I'm SAFE. -Chris

The radio hums a gospel tune. "You've got a rare reflection to you." "What does that mean?" "It means I've pooled together all my thoughts about you. My feelings about you. Our memories, my memories of just you, and I've summed you up. And I know you're thinking that a person can't be summed up, never, not forever, but never and I know. And I say that doesn't matter." "No...it really doesn't. But I'd still like to hear something about my rare reflection." The radio drowns out. cop out. out. Chris

I actually thought about trying pot or something. Like, it's not a big deal at all. And maybe it's not, maybe it's just as harmless as everyone says... But I decided I'm not going to do that stuff. So, I'm not. Alright? Alright. -Amanda

Love- “There are as many forms of love as there are moments in time.” I love my family. I love my friends. I love that one boy and he knows it. Now, what do I do with that? Aging- I’m never going to grow old, and I’m never going to die. Travel- I’ve gone far, farther than most people I know. I like going away, but in the end I’d rather be in my room, in my bed. Conflict- Mainly with food, or with time. There’s so much to do lately, and I don’t have a job. It all just makes me feel really tired. Your body- In the morning, right when I wake up, my body is perfect. I would let anyone in the world see me naked, I am so beautiful. Once I eat any morsel of food that whole image dissapears and will not come back. Then I wake up the next morning and I’m perfect again. Knowledge- I thought I was very smart when I was in highschool. Once I got into college I realized I’m probably the most average human being to ever exist. Mediocre. I know a lot about wolves, though. Literature- Is the section where all my favorite books are, by all my favorite authors. And I have the worst grammar in the world. Coming of age- Graduation is sort of that moment, I guess. I think it's many moments put together--many memories. Life As A Man- Hu-Man. Sometimes I think men have it easier than women, and with many things they do. They get away with writing vulgar much easier than women do. Also, at shows, they can shove their way up to the front of the stage and scream with the lead singer. Getting sweaty, farting, not washing their hair. I guess the main things I envy are all the gross things. In the end I guess I like being a “chick.” -Amanda

Love- Love. Have I ever loved someone? Sure. Of course. Duh. But was it that kind of love? Now how do I know that? There is a girl, there was a girl. She's still around, but I try not to remember her. Was it love? I don't know but it's the closest I've come. Aging- Life is short. Way way way too short. It feels like just yesterday or last month it was 1997...and the thought of going out any second is terrifying. I fear death, big time. There are so many things I need to do. To experience. Aging and death there coming quick and can't be stopped. Travel- I wish my family traveled more when I was a kid. We never ventured far enough. I've always wanted to live in the snow. I've always wanted to visit Australia, England, Sweden, New York, Canada. I'll probably never go. I don't travel enough for my liking. Conflict- With who? Within myself? Plenty. With parents? Who doesn't? With friends? Sure. With animals? Sadly, yes. But I guess it's all for the greater good. Your body- My body looks magnificent from the right view, or else it's a complete mess. It's probably a humbling thing though. Who really wants to look like (insert famous handsome actor) anyway? I'm sure even he has his shitty days. Knowledge- One minute I feel smart the next I feel like I'm suffering from a rare brain malfunction. Secretly though, just between you and me, I think I'm very smart. Literature- Is a stuffy word. I like to read stories, my kind of stories. Literature reminds me of the worst English class imaginable. My favorite book reminds me of what it feels like to be alive. Coming of age- Now that's a great sub-genre for movies and books. I think The Outsiders is a great coming of age story. Life As A Man- Uhh...uhh...it's cool? I don't consider myself a man. A male, yes. 'Man' seems scary and like a looming evil figure to me. Like a dad that beats you. -Chris

Howard: Am I calling too late? I mean if you've got someone over, if you're really busy...there's just this thing. Trinity: It's no sweat. Howard: I was just pondering our...is there distance? Awkwardness? Obsession? Trinity: On your part. Howard: Am I like cutting off your circulation? Can you be honest? Trinity: If you need me to be. Howard: I need you to be. Trinity: You're wearing thin. Howard: How thin is thin? Trinity: I'd say it's about two weeks give or take. Howard: Two weeks? But we've...I mean you've got dreads and I love that. I don't know why I said that but it's true. Trinity: I'm awkwardly smiling right now. Howard: You're saving my life. Trinity: I really should get off the phone. I'm...off to count sheep and dream and stuff. Trinity: Look we'll just keep it loose, alright? Will that get you off the phone? Howard: For the best? Trinity: Mmhhmm. Howard: Were you ever really listening to me? Trinity: Look there's someone on the other line. I'll call. -Chris

i had a dream we were going out. it was funny. i like the new-ness of this. i love it.

Are you ready? Cause I'm so ready. -Chris

remember, i dont know if you do, but i like...well liked this boy in ka-rin's band named felipe. well ka-rin and i just had a fabulous day at the beach and stuff. then i'm dropping her off at home and she says, "i have to tell you something that you're probably not going to like. you'll probably think less of me." "whaaat? you've been keeping this from me all day until now?" "yea." "you smoked pot?" "no." "ok?" "i'm dating felipe." "oh, ok." so she gets out of the car and now i'm feeling rather shitty. i dont like being made a fool. you probably wont get this for a while, but that's what happened today. -amanda

I feel like I forgot about everything. I feel bad that I haven't stumbled, staggered, on to here in forever. two months? at least two months since I haven't notice noticed you? Every time I breathe in deeply my chest feels heavy. So, I'm not doing that. -Amanda

hand and ran with our legs split and our priorities garbaged we had the rest of our lives to figure each other out. We confided to each other that ourselves, our true selfs too empty without our cares, our tests and our priorities. We're forever running. They'll never catch us again. -Chris

Theres this journal that I never reach. I'm not sure why, but it reminds me of this dusty industrial building that we rented out for our business away from business. However the rusty nails or the frightening echoes scared us off. At least it scared me off. But I will not give up. The sign says OPEN. -Chris

and i've never talked to him, but he watches me when i talk to other people. i'll be speaking and i'll make eye contact with him. i know he's listening. i know he's interested in what i have to say. sometimes what i talk about is complete bullshit or just random nonsense, but he's always there. it isnt creepy though. it's not a creepy watch, it's like he wants to reply or say something. he has opinions running through his brain that he doesnt speak out. i always have an urge to sit down next to him and try to start a conversation. he's one of those invisible kids. i dont think i even know his name. but he's there, and i see him, and his eyes make me interested. so why can't boys like that come speak to me? -amanda

Why does mississippi have to do with everything? Oh I'm too much in a mood to make sense. I'll just give you some of my bacteria that I made. Yeah so I spend the better part of my class time on projects that are not curiculam related. So sue me already. Just look at my protozoa. Bacteria, protozoa, I don't know which it is. -Chris